Together for 3 years. I am 23, he is 27. There are no children. In relations with my husband and mother-in-law, the situation is getting out of control.
The fact is that I was very jealous of my husband and his mother. When he called her (she lives in another city), he talked for a long time, sent some jokes on social media. networks, when she affectionately called him, I was literally torn from the inside. But I pulled myself together, tried to analyze, think soberly, but I let go.
But last week she came to us for 5 days. Before that, they had not seen each other for 7 months. I was in favor, because I understand with my mind that all this is nonsense, and staying with relatives, where everyone is already sitting on each other’s heads, is not an option. And we have a one-room, but large studio. This is my husband's mother. How can you not invite her? Moreover, when we communicate with her together, it’s a complete delight - she’s an intelligent, calm, wise woman, she seems to have no requests or complaints. Although I don’t have hopes that she loves me like her own, it is clear that she is trying to treat me well and take care of me.
She raised him, one might say, alone (she divorced her father when her husband was 12 years old), now she has no one and, as she says, she doesn’t need it. Judging by my husband’s stories, they were quite close: they went on vacation together until they were 19, and went for walks. So I barely made it through this week: I lost my temper, freaked out, got offended, left home, behaved like a stupid teenager.
As soon as her husband appeared, and she started cooing with him, giving him advice on wearing the “correct” intimate things, hygiene, trying to feed him almost from his mouth, hug him, when she tried to show an active interest in what interests him - in me as if a demon had taken over. It seemed to me that she was trying to show her superiority, primacy, that she was closer to him and he should listen to her. For example, I notice that he leaves the house in a T-shirt, I say: “Put on a jacket, it’s cool outside,” she: “Yes, put on a jacket, your mom tells you, then 10 seconds later, and your wife adds.” Or we go shopping: “Son, will you sponsor our shopping?” It’s as if I myself can’t decide with my husband how much money to take from the family budget.
Even help from her, like washing the dishes in our apartment, giving advice or preparing something without my knowledge, preparing breakfast for my husband, is perceived as an attempt to “take away” something important from me, an invasion of personal space. Intellectually, I understand that this is all some kind of madness, that this is a normal relationship between mother and son. It would have been much worse if he had “sent” her away and responded badly. She doesn’t want to offend or humiliate anyone, she’s just used to treating him that way. I understand that it was she who raised him to be a good person and pulled him along as best she could. I understand that she wants to help me, she doesn’t want to bother me with taking care of herself while visiting.
The only problem is me. But why does it take such ugly forms, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I really need help from this site before I cause trouble and ruin the relationship with my indignation, dissatisfied face and hysterics later on with my husband. I just wanted to stand up and shout: “Enough! This is my husband and I myself am able to take care of him and solve all the issues! We are family, accept that he is no longer your little boy and now I have to be the main woman in his life!” Today she left and I am incredibly ashamed. Such emptiness inside.
I am absolutely in favor of helping her, both material and moral. But again, so that all this goes through our family council. When we decide together what to give, how much money to give, I try to choose the best, I insist on good amounts. When something happens to her, I want to support her. But exactly until I am forced out of this “scheme”, even if not on purpose. Then I'm just beside myself with rage.
I really want to overcome all this nonsense, I want the family to be friendly, so that the grandchildren will happily wait for their grandmother to visit in the future, and not conflicts and misunderstandings. About myself and the site for my family: my mother died when I was 17 years old, my dad got married after that and lives his own life, and he is not inclined towards close relationships, everything is always my fault for him. My sister lives with her family in another city. I have work and hobbies, but at such moments I cannot distract myself from bad thoughts - it’s unbearable.
Relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are often complicated by disagreements.
The mother-in-law's constant interference in her son's family life can greatly ruin his relationship with his wife.
For this reason, daughters-in-law often think about how to put their mother-in-law in her place.
How to be happy in family life? Find out about this from ours.
Psychology of relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
True love and mutual respect are found in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law quite rare.
Even with outwardly friendly communication, these women, as a rule, have a large number of complaints against each other.
On the part of the daughter-in-law, a negative attitude towards her mother-in-law may be caused by jealousy, sense of ownership towards her husband or the characteristics of a young woman.
But often a bad attitude is formed in response to the negative behavior of the husband's mother.
The main reasons why a mother-in-law may behave aggressively towards her daughter-in-law:
How to communicate with an energy vampire in the family? they will tell you!
What to do if your husband's mother..?
Daughter-in-law's behavior strategy directly depends on the character traits of the mother-in-law. It is necessary to clearly identify existing problems and develop an action plan.
Energetic vampire
Energy vampires replenish their energy reserves at the expense of their interlocutors. During communication, vampires constantly complain about life, talk about their failures and illnesses. They may do this intentionally or unknowingly.
In most cases, the interlocutors of such people become involved in communication and adopt a negative mood.
The desire to calm the energy vampire or the appearance of irritation in response to his complaints cause a surge of negative energy in the interlocutor. This response gives the vampire strength and stimulation.
The best way out of the situation is to stop this “donation”.
Necessary keep communication with your mother-in-law to a minimum.
If this cannot be done, you should develop a calm attitude towards the situation. It is important to remain calm during communication and not to worry.
Manipulator
Manipulators strive bend others to your will. Most often this is achieved by inducing a feeling of guilt in the “victim”.
With such behavior of the mother-in-law, it is important to be able to recognize situations in which she takes advantage of the current situation to satisfy her interests.
If her manipulations are aimed at her husband, it is important to try to open his eyes to the true motives of his mother’s behavior and teach him not to fall for her tricks.
If the mother-in-law tries to manipulate the daughter-in-law herself, it is necessary take a defensive position and defend your interests in any situation.
Selfish
An egoist always cares only about satisfying your desires and whims.
The interests of other people do not matter to him.
The best way out in such a situation is "mirror" answer.
In response to the selfishness of the mother-in-law, it is necessary to develop a similar attitude towards her.
Never give up your plans to please her requests, never change your mind under her pressure.
A woman treats you badly
Daughters-in-law rarely remain indifferent to the current conflict situation. They worry for the following reasons:
Interferes with children's upbringing
Often the mother-in-law, as a grandmother, strives to raise her son’s children. The lack of a good relationship with the daughter-in-law can provoke constant conflicts regarding the relationship between the grandmother and the children. Main problems:
Turns your spouse against you
Often mothers-in-law try to get rid of their daughter-in-law through their son. They strive to turn a man against his wife, draw attention to themselves and arrange provocations. Recommendations in such situations:
Gets into relationships
The mother-in-law interferes in the relationship, trying to control her son's life. Also, her intervention may have a specific goal - to ruin the relationship between her son and his wife. How to fight7 Recommendations in such situations:
How to properly distribute responsibilities in the family? you will find on our website.
Destroyed the family
Marriage is the union of a man and a woman. If the couple is married, then the reason for the divorce does not lie in the behavior of the mother-in-law. A man, respecting and loving his mother, must behave like the head of the family and protect the interests of his wife and children.
And a woman must find the strength to show herself patience, tact and cunning. Poor relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are just one of the many difficulties that spouses can face.
If the mother-in-law was able to destroy the family through her actions, then there was no real intimacy, trust and mutual support between husband and wife.
Thus, they are complicated by a huge number of mutual claims and demands.
Maintaining peace in the family is possible only if all participants make a choice in the relationship competent tactics of behavior. This applies not only to the two women, but also to the reason for their argument - the man.
How to defeat your mother-in-law? Psychology of relationships:
Young women often have to convince themselves that their husband’s mother creates an unfavorable environment in the family. A family psychologist often has to listen to young women with little marriage experience or newlyweds who are sure that “the mother-in-law is turning her husband against me.”
The advice of a psychologist should not be general and vague recommendations, because in each specific situation there are certain nuances, and both sides of the conflict can often escalate tension.
The existing relationship in which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are friends is, in fact, so atypical that it is not worth mentioning in this case. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in a family conflict are two warring parties between whom peace rarely exists.
The best option is armed neutrality. The bone of contention becomes a man who is unable to make the alternative choice offered to him: “either I or your mother,” “either I or this adventuress.”
He needs both a wife and a mother, and a mature man tries to achieve consensus without pitting his beloved women against each other. An emotionally immature “mama’s boy”, who is in adulthood under the heel of an overbearing mother, will prefer the one who gave birth to him. But if the palm is given to the wife, to the detriment of the husband’s feelings for his mother, one should not delude himself either: this is a henpecked man of a different emotional type, striving to break free from under one dominant and immediately resorting to another.
This is an even more problematic option, because after a while he will calmly leave his wife if he meets another attachment, emotional or physical.
A person who grew up in a normal family always has the need to create his own. It is not surprising that he does not want to lose the family in which he grew up, so it is difficult to expect that a mature man will take the side of one of his women and unconditionally refuse the second.
The paradox that invariably arises when a mother-in-law turns her son against a woman who is completely stranger to her is easy to understand if you understand a few general points:
- she does not feel warm feelings towards her daughter-in-law, who suddenly appeared in her life, because she is not connected with her either emotionally or physically;
- no merits of the future wife of his beloved son will force him to change his attitude towards her, and it is better not to trump them;
- the younger and more beautiful the son’s chosen one is, the stronger the dislike for her by a woman who is on the threshold of menopause, figuratively speaking, on the threshold of old age;
- the more the son loves his daughter-in-law, the more the mother’s jealousy flares up, because before her child belonged only to her;
- if a woman experienced the same hostile attitude from her husband’s mother at the beginning of her marriage, she is convinced that she must somehow recoup the moral suffering she suffered in her youth;
- in a rich family, the mother-in-law is always confident in the mercantile motives of her future relative, in a poor family, she experiences hatred and envy towards her because of her own poverty or disadvantage;
- if you stand on the same level with her and start a war or compromise and surrender unconditionally in order to save your beloved husband, after 20 years, having your own son, you can turn into the same hated person for his beloved wife.
The husband's mother interferes in the family life of her son because she loves her child and hates the woman who, in her opinion, unjustifiably took him away and undeservedly got him.
She is not obliged to love her rival, who has taken a place in the heart of her boy, which previously belonged only to her.
Internet meme: A son and his wife through the eyes of his mother-in-law(photo from left). Even if she is an intelligent, tactful, well-mannered and delicate woman, she cannot do anything about nature. Maternal jealousy directed against the daughter-in-law leads to this. that she is at war with her rival, complains to her son about her in order to win her back to her side, and naturally experiences hostility.
The problem is that a mother-in-law who is smart, tactful, sensitive and well-mannered is extremely rare. If you come across one, you need to protect and cherish it. She hides her hostility with all her might, is ashamed of the feelings she experiences and understands their natural nature.
Therefore, she is friends with her son’s chosen one or maintains strong neutrality.
The rest, who do not have the undeniable advantages of an ideal mother-in-law, are divided into 3 conventional types:
- an unfriendly aggressor, waging open war and destroying marriages, using any methods, including unscrupulous and openly hostile;
- a benevolent monster of a pleasant appearance and charming manners, demonstrating his merits in every possible way and belittling the valuable qualities of his son’s chosen one, supposedly with the best intentions;
- an insidious imitator of neutrality, trying to quarrel between his son and daughter-in-law gradually, acting with ostentatious non-interference, which in fact has an even more destructive effect, being on a hidden level.
Oddly enough, in any case, a family relations specialist has to give similar advice, because there are only two ways that can solve the problem.
The first, from the point of view of a psychologist, is only the spheres of influence on the husband, and the determination of the acceptable boundaries of interference in the affairs of a young family on the part of the parents. The second is to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law, or at least the appearance of one.
What to do if your mother-in-law ruins your relationship with your husband
The basic strategy in normal family relationships works approximately the same, and contains several points that must be adhered to.
An open war with dragging a common man to either side will not work, because the mother is always alone, and the son has a long history of joint relationships with her.
Therefore, you should delimit spheres of influence, and if the husband does not want to deal with this problem, do it yourself. Talk to your mother-in-law and clearly explain to her the extent to which she is allowed to interfere in your new family.
There is no need to mention that this rule should work on mutual terms, and the wife’s parents should be given the same boundaries.
The rule is that my mother is smart, but yours needs to be discouraged, you need to forget. If conditions of non-interference are imposed on one side, then the second should also be defined within equivalent boundaries.
Talk to your husband and try to explain your feelings to him so that he understands what we are talking about, but do not dump negativity on him. Just talk clearly about your experiences, without trying to denigrate or humiliate his mother. Any type of mother-in-law cannot be weaned off at once and instantly.
You will have to repeatedly defend your right through negotiations and reminders. But this should be done calmly, firmly and correctly, under no circumstances showing the emotions being experienced. This will not bring much benefit, but it will give the mother-in-law pleasure and give a reason to demonstrate ill health, which is often used to cleverly manipulate sons. The main thing is not pressure and not establishing an alternative - me or her.
Constructive dialogue with your husband and parents on both sides will bring much more benefit.
How to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law
You need to try to do this, and preferably in such a way that your husband understands and feels it. After politely and firmly delineating acceptable spheres of influence, this will require a lot of effort.
Show your respect for her opinion and ask for advice on various occasions. Praise her son and talk about his merits.
Under no circumstances should you speak negatively about your mother-in-law in front of her son or about your son in front of his mother, even if there are specific reasons for dissatisfaction. It's no use because she will always be on his side. Do not give reasons for complaints and run the household in such a way that there is nothing to complain about (although there will still be a reason).
Don't turn the children against her, because sooner or later they will spill the beans.
In this video, the psychologist will give you some useful tips on how to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law:
Finding a common language with your mother-in-law is very difficult, especially if you have to live with her. If it doesn’t work out at all, then at least maintain the appearance of good neighborly relations, clearly stipulating all the points that may constitute the causes of conflicts, and develop tactics of behavior depending on the type of mother-in-law, which you will have to determine for yourself. What do you think about this?
Hello! please help, I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we gave birth to two boys, the eldest is 3 years old and the youngest is 1 year old. I am on maternity leave, my eldest son goes to kindergarten. I hate my mother-in-law. When I met my husband’s parents, there was nothing hostile. His parents treated me calmly and on my part they also treated my friendship with my future husband well.
When I became pregnant they decided to have a wedding and then I already began to notice that my husband’s parents were unhappy. And then the question became where will we live? My husband's parents have a very large house, but it was not completed, and my husband and his father built it together. They also had 2 apartments, which they sold to complete the construction of this house, as a result, the father-in-law squandered the money on all sorts of his interests and the house still stands... there is enough work there for a lifetime and a lot of money is needed. My husband’s parents offered to live with them to help them or so that we could earn money for housing ourselves, like they did. They also have a daughter, she lives with her family in a 1-room apartment. This apartment was inherited from my grandmother-in-law, i.e. This is the mother-in-law's apartment.
My husband and I had to rent a separate apartment, because... I felt very bad in someone else's house. but when there was no money at all, they came to live with my parents. My parents had a 3-room apartment. Then we had to exchange it and give us a share so that we could take out a mortgage. At the same time, my husband’s father died, and my mother-in-law was for us to live with her. While we were collecting documents and drawing up a deal, and the apartment was only supposed to be rented out in half a year, we had to live with her...
So our troubles began... My mother-in-law transferred the entire household to my husband. They decide everything together i.e. financially and domestically. My husband takes his mother everywhere. My mother-in-law doesn't give me any credit. My mother-in-law wants my husband to finish building her house, then supposedly a house, a car and a lot of other things would go to my husband, but there are no guarantees, his sister is also there, she said that she is not going to give up anything. And the mother-in-law is not going to do any documents, because... believes that I can take away their property after the divorce if we get a divorce. When I started living with my mother-in-law, I felt very bad, I started getting depressed, I had no one to talk to, because... I didn’t have any friends there, and I couldn’t invite anyone to visit. I began to cry very often, I only communicated with my son. My husband and I started having scandals and fights. He categorically defended his mother, laughed off my requests and demands and did not react, I said I was not henpecked. I was very sad and hurt. There was no happiness in this house. I practically didn’t talk to my mother-in-law and she didn’t want to get close to me. There was a situation where my father-in-law and mother-in-law insulted me and my family, humiliated me and beat me. I understood her over the years of knowing my husband and my desire not to communicate with her at all. She fell in my eyes, she greatly disappointed me. This woman is deceitful, two-faced, only to have everything for her and she gave birth to and raised a son for herself. It seems to me that we are jealous of my husband, and she of her son. We end up dividing it. What to do? What should I do? When our apartment gave up, I moved with tears and scandals, my husband said that he couldn’t leave my mother alone and I’m very bad... I live alone with two children, the apartment is under mortgage, my husband comes and takes us to his house for the weekend, as he says, there we and our children communicate with dad. He no longer participates in raising children and does not help me. I don’t see any money from him, he buys us food and necessary things, about 3 thousand a month and pays for the mortgage. It turns out that my children and I live on my youngest son’s allowance, but he tells me I need to finish building the house and I’m creating inconvenience for him. He loves his mother very much. He persuades me to live with him there, he says he’ll put me behind the wheel, you’ll drive, he says don’t pay attention to your mother. I can’t get over myself and don’t believe him. He also looks at his interests. I feel very good at home and I don’t want to move in with his mother. We don't have a family. We have a separate husband and his mother and me and the children. But still, when we are alone, we have feelings of love, passion and we really want to live together, but we cannot... Help!
- Why do the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law have a relationship in one family, but not in another?Often a man unconsciously chooses a wife who is similar to his mother, and if the mother is an attentive, kind, friendly and hospitable person, then, in general, the wife will be close to this image. And two easy-going, pleasant people will be able to find a common language. But if she is dominant, if she is used to doing everything as she wants, if she demands that her opinion is not only taken into account, but followed strictly - of course, with such a mother-in-law, a conflict is inevitable. “And here I am!” - behind this statement there is an unpreparedness and unwillingness to accept changes either in one’s life or in the life of another person. Now imagine that the son brings his daughter-in-law to this mother-in-law, whom he, in turn, chose in the image of his mother. Of course, these two women will not mirror each other; they may have different levels of upbringing, education, different cultural codes - this similarity is conditional. And yet, each stands in its own position, each believes that only she is right, each has a lot of claims to the other. And the poor man rushes between them.
The main reason for the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the desire of one person for the other to correspond to subjective ideas about him. This is generally the biggest misconception that arises in relationships between people. For example, a mother-in-law has an image of an ideal daughter-in-law, a daughter-in-law has an image of an ideal mother-in-law. And this discrepancy with the ideal image causes irritation, resistance, and reluctance to communicate in a person. When a person makes claims against another, first of all it means that he is dissatisfied with himself. Conflicts often arise when a person expects that his partner is capable of deep understanding of his problems and internal difficulties. This is a huge illusion - each person has his own ideas about relationships, and often our expectations do not coincide with reality. This results in resentment and claims against each other.
We must always remember that every person has a set of the most uninteresting, unlikable, incredible qualities. And if a daughter-in-law, entering into a relationship, understands this and recognizes the mother-in-law’s right to be herself and not meet her expectations, then, as a rule, she will not be disappointed in her relationship with her mother-in-law, even if the mother-in-law is a difficult person. And if the mother-in-law understands that the daughter-in-law does not have to live up to her expectations and withdraws the claims against her, it will be easier and calmer for everyone. It is not necessary to love your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, but it is important to at least not have internal resentments and irritation, which are an obstacle to peaceful life in the family.
There are very active mothers-in-law who try to get involved in every event in their son’s life, even the most insignificant: how he dresses, where he goes, what he does. And it is clear that this causes resistance in the daughter-in-law. Over the years of living with his mother, the son got used to this and developed his own style of behavior - in some places he shied away, in others he obeyed. For the daughter-in-law, this situation is new, and, of course, it is annoying and indignant. If the mother-in-law’s behavior hurts, this indicates that the daughter-in-law has an internal readiness to follow her demands: after all, she wants to be good in the eyes of her husband’s mother. And this contradiction causes an internal storm. An emotionally mature person knows that he does not have to obey always and in everything. The mother-in-law can want anything, and if her desires coincide with the capabilities of the young family, then they will come true; if not, then desires will become unfulfilled. With this position, the mother-in-law’s behavior does not cause a strong surge of aggression and does not affect the relationship with the spouse.
- If a relationship doesn’t work out and a conflict arises, how does a man feel?
It all depends on the man’s attitude towards his mother. Some are very sensitive to the possibility of some kind of conflict situation. Others, on the contrary, like it, since they cannot openly express their complaints against their mother due to childhood fears, reluctance to get involved, spoil their mood, and through their wife, who is in conflict with her mother-in-law, they clear their emotional blockages and show that dissatisfaction. which a mother would never dare to express directly. For example, if a wife does not want to visit her mother-in-law often, with her help he conquers his territory and internally supports her reluctance to see each other. Moreover, it happens that if a daughter-in-law tries to establish good relations with her mother-in-law, this begins to anger the spouse. The daughter-in-law is trying to somehow reconcile them in order to minimize the mother-son conflict, and the husband, on the contrary, provokes it.
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The mother-in-law is also not always ready to understand that the son has already grown up, that he has his own family and it would be nice for his life to improve. Against this background, the mother-in-law begins to get sick (not on purpose, all this happens unconsciously), because everything that happens in her son’s life does not meet her expectations: his family is not like that, and his wife is bad. Manipulation begins through claims and accusations. And this desire of the mother-in-law to insert herself into someone else’s life, control it and by any means force other people to do what she wants is much more important for her at a deep level: after all, it raises her own status and significance. But if the mother-in-law really wants the best for her son, it is important not to intrude on his family relationships and show respect for the boundaries of his personal life.
- Can a mother-in-law influence the breakdown of a family and, conversely, its unity?
Of course, it depends on the person and his internal motivation. For example, a dominant woman, who was used to everyone in the family obeying her, suddenly felt that her daughter-in-law was not a match for her son. Suppose she expected her son to choose a wife from a good family, with a certain position, but her son’s choice did not live up to her expectations. The mother-in-law cannot come to terms with this situation, her internal motive begins to control her, unconsciously she begins to undermine the relationship between her son and daughter-in-law - she makes some comments, reproaches, expresses her dissatisfaction to her daughter-in-law, begins to incite her son: “I told you that she’s not like that, look - Vasya’s wife does this and that, but yours is like that.”
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However, it also happens that not even the most evil mother-in-law can destroy a strong family - and vice versa, the most wonderful mother-in-law cannot save the family if it falls apart.
If you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law, do you still need to keep your distance, realizing that the mother-in-law is not a mother? Is it possible to discuss my husband with her as with a girlfriend?
Sometimes relationships with mother-in-law develop warmer and more trusting than with one’s own mother. And your mother-in-law can understand and support you better than your closest friend. But here it is important to understand that no matter how well she treats her daughter-in-law, a son is a son. Even if you express your dissatisfaction with her son, you need to spare her maternal feelings. It also happens that after the breakup of a family, a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law maintain a warm relationship and help each other.
If initially the relationship with your mother-in-law did not work out, is it worth trying to improve it? Can it improve over the years?
Of course they can. If the daughter-in-law has a healthy, adult position towards her mother-in-law, if she clearly understands that her mother-in-law is not her friend, not her mother, if she is not deceived in her expectations towards her mother-in-law, and the behavior of the mother-in-law herself does not hurt her emotions, over time, such a humane position leads to the mother-in-law changing her negative attitude to a positive one. The children grow up, the family does not break up, the mother-in-law sees that her son is happy in his marriage, and over the years he becomes attached to his daughter-in-law. Often these relationships develop into completely healthy ones.
