We've been together for 6 years. My husband is a tyrannical, hot-tempered person and has always been like that. We went through a lot of things, including his betrayal, but he repented, and I forgave, and we moved on without looking back. Still a family . All the years that we were together, we were able to somehow get along under one roof and learned to understand and respect each other.

” What is happening now can probably be called a relationship crisis, or maybe it is something else.

We had misunderstandings and quarrels, but not to say that more often than others. By himself, he is a very touchy, vulnerable person, but lately this has all dragged on - my husband doesn’t want to put up with it. He sleeps in another room, doesn't talk to me. Constant threats that he would leave, and that I wouldn’t even dare touch him. Insults and humiliates almost out of the blue. He refuses to talk, no matter how much I ask. And sometimes I don’t even understand why he’s so offended or angry. He's just silent! He sees perfectly well that I am suffering, but he says that it doesn’t bother him. The feeling that a person simply likes to live in such horror.

” Not long ago he came drunk and began to say that he loved me very much, that I was a holy man, his soul mate, that he hated himself and reproached himself. That I shouldn't apologize for something that's not my fault. And that he, just like me, suffers and feels very bad, and also asked me to find him a psychotherapist.

It seems that they decided that there was peace. The next day he said that he didn’t say this, or rather, he said it, but not he, but someone else in him. And to this day the situation has not changed. In general, I don’t know what to do or how to be. We live like strangers, and I don’t recognize my loved one. He knows that I want to save my family, and he knows that I love him. But I don’t know what feelings he has. I only know that he is very cruel and unfair to me. What should I do?

I would like to continue the question: what to do to...? And then an explanation of exactly how you want to be. Like before? This would probably suit you, but he is no longer there. In six years, the method you used to smooth out rough edges and avoid conflicts has become obsolete.

” You know, it’s like things expire, they break and there’s no point in repairing them. So, I agree, the situation is quite poised for a crisis.

I believe that your husband himself does not really understand what is being done to him, but in fact, with his behavior, he invites you to closeness, to a more sincere relationship than the one you had, more emotionally rich, more satisfying. After all, he is clearly drawing anger out of you: he steps on a emotional sore, advances, humiliates, ignores. Answer for yourself: what does it provoke?

But you clearly have problems with anger. It’s been saving up for your husband for a long time, it’s been lying in a heavy bag behind your shoulders for a long time, it’s been collected even before the betrayal. Just look at your phrase: “It’s still family.” How much hidden patience she has, with which anger is put into a bag and kept there. And as a result, a holy man appears before the husband, his suffering half, reflecting his mental anguish and remorse for his own insignificance.

” When, under the influence of alcohol, the control of his consciousness weakens, the husband begins to say not what he thinks, but what he feels: he knows that his wife is toiling with him, a nonentity, and he is sucking blood from her to strengthen himself.

But only when I’m drunk, this is accidentally revealed in him, when the disguise of his wound of insignificance falls off, and he is masked by contempt for you and touchy unappreciation. Like a bewitched child, in the depths of his soul he wishes that his mother would break the spell, but his consciousness makes sure that he remains invulnerable and does not allow anyone near his spiritual wounds. And you, like a compassionate mother, obey his consciousness and endure it yourself. Anger in a magic bag can disenchant it. But to do this, you need to let the anger out of the bag on your back and dump everything on your hubby without a trace. The bag is heavy, it leans toward the ground and hunches over, making it look old. He sees not the woman in front of him that his soul needs, but a deception playing along with his consciousness.

” By enduring and hiding your anger, you lie to yourself and your husband and feed his psychological problems.

Let go of your anger, and with it also contempt and disgust for such behavior of your husband - and you yourself will become more beautiful, straighten up, your soul will sing, and your husband’s disguise-witchcraft will fall apart. If you endure it again and don’t start pleasing him, you will remain yourself, then the husband will have no options: either look for another wife who will allow her to drink her blood, or come out with sincerity himself, no longer out of drunkenness, but by a man’s decision. And, if a man needs it, he will go looking for a psychotherapist or psychologist himself, and not ask his wife, like a mother does for a child. So you can support the man in him, and not the nomadic, unhappy child.

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I always knew that my husband had a hot temper, but his temper had bypassed me before. But gradually my husband began to shout at me and might say something unpleasant. I pretended (probably this was my mistake) that I didn’t notice anything. Now, when my husband is not in a good mood, he uses me like a whipping girl: he distorts my words, he is rude, he can even call me names! And when it cools down, he says “in his own defense” that it was my fault that I brought him to such a state.
I’ve tried to talk to him more than once, but it’s all in vain, I’m exaggerating, they say. It’s very rare to hear the words “Well, I’m sorry” from him, and they are said in such a tone that I understand that this is a favor. I have always been against this behavior, but lately I feel that I have become nervous, angry and am about to answer my husband in the same way. Please advise how to improve the situation.
Irina Well, alas, this happens. Of course, the situation in the family is quite tense, and if nothing is done, it can go far. Therefore, it is important to solve it at a stage when there is still a desire and opportunity to change something.

Shout and be heard?
It’s hard to believe, but this is exactly how overly emotional statements are explained when sorting out relationships. It seems to a person that he cannot shout to his partner, both literally and figuratively, so he raises his voice. This is clear. Well, what about rude words? Psychologists have an explanation for this as well.
Rough and even profane language is always emotionally charged and is used in order to convey one’s thoughts even more “accessibly.” But seriously, the reasons for the not always adequate behavior of men is that they usually have more restrained behavior than us women. It is we who react emotionally to every little thing, but they accumulate and accumulate their discontent, internal tension grows, and then suddenly boom - and “you, a bad person, ruined his life.”
Another reason why a husband is rude may lie in the so-called “pattern behavior.” Simply put, in conflict situations, the spouse behaves the way his parents behaved.

Take care of youself
It’s probably not very pleasant to read this, but sometimes a woman whose husband is constantly rude should think about whether she has put herself in such an unenviable position. After all, as people say, “you want to hit a hunchbacked back,” but psychologists put it more delicately: the victim always finds his tyrant. What can you do if this is true, at least partially? We need to find a middle ground between “I’d rather remain silent out of harm’s way” and “I’ll defend my opinion until I’m hoarse.” Try to look at the situation from the outside, let him speak, and when the “fountain of emotions” dries up, calmly identify his actions and tell him about your feelings. For example, “You are screaming now. Why are you doing it? When you do this, I feel offended and want to defend myself.” Agree with your husband that, no matter how heated the argument may be, you will not get personal. After all, this is humiliation. Namely, from this, first of all, a man must protect his half.

Work for two
If you understand that the cause of your problems is your husband’s choleric temperament, try to convince him to seek help or advice (for some reason this word sounds safer for men) from a good family psychotherapist. However, this is not always easy to do. In any case, try to agree with your husband (when he is in a good mood) on a few rules at the moment when he feels like he is about to explode. If you happen to respond to your husband “in return,” they will also be useful to you.
To express your emotions, you need to choose a special place in the apartment. The main thing is that it is not the kitchen or the bedroom - we subconsciously consider these places to be the most intimate, so they should not be associated with conflicts.
During a “speech” you can raise your voice, but calling names and insulting is a no-no. Also, you can't interrupt each other. If you still have difficulties with the latter, try this psychological technique. Choose a small object (a pen, a TV remote control, a bottle of perfume) and agree that the person holding the object has the right to vote.
Physical pressure in the family is unacceptable not only to people, but also to things. And you cannot argue your opinion by throwing or breaking things.
If you feel like your emotions are getting the better of you, start communicating using notes. Thus, it will not be possible to interrupt or raise your voice. Yes, and calling people names, most likely, will not work, because the statements will be more constructive and thoughtful.

It shouldn't be like this!
It’s a completely different matter when such behavior from your husband is the style of your relationship. He is firmly convinced that his behavior is absolutely normal and not rudeness at all, but just mild criticism? It's time for heavy artillery. During your next performance, try to discreetly film it on your mobile camera or at least record it on a voice recorder. And when he is complacent, let him view or listen to the “compromising evidence.” If after this he does not think about his behavior, more drastic measures are needed. It's time to think about what good you are getting from your marriage. Stability, habit, material security are, of course, important, but your self-esteem and self-esteem cannot be sacrificed for this. You should be aware that many psychologists and women's rights organizations consider behavior in which one person regularly verbally abuses another as emotional abuse. I am sure that if you really want to change the situation for the better, you will succeed! And your most faithful helpers in this will be self-respect and the belief that you deserve only the best.

Look at you
You, in turn, also control yourself, because, let’s be honest, women know how to “nail” and “bring to white heat” like no one else. Do you allow yourself to make negative statements about his earnings? Do you question his abilities, criticize him in front of strangers? Any man perceives such behavior as humiliation, psychologists say. Someone withdraws, becomes apathetic, and someone will defend themselves with the same weapon - humiliation, only in the form of rude and offensive words. Therefore, always remember what kind of husband you want to have next to you. Smart, strong, successful? Then treat him that way.

Is your husband hot-tempered and sometimes rude to you? Of course, this offends you more and more, which is absolutely understandable. Let's figure out if this is a bad habit or
everything is much more serious.

I always knew that my husband had a hot temper, but his temper had bypassed me before. But gradually my husband began to shout at me and might say something unpleasant. I pretended (probably this was my mistake) that I didn’t notice anything. Now, when my husband is not in a good mood, he uses me like a whipping girl: he distorts my words, he is rude, he can even call me names! And when it cools down, he says “in his own defense” that it was my fault that I brought him to such a state.
I’ve tried to talk to him more than once, but it’s all in vain, I’m exaggerating, they say. It’s very rare to hear the words “Well, I’m sorry” from him, and they are said in such a tone that I understand that this is a favor. I have always been against this behavior, but lately I feel that I have become nervous, angry and am about to answer my husband in the same way. Please advise how to improve the situation.
Irina Well, alas, this happens. Of course, the situation in the family is quite tense, and if nothing is done, it can go far. Therefore, it is important to solve it at a stage when there is still a desire and opportunity to change something.

Shout and be heard?

It’s hard to believe, but this is exactly how overly emotional statements are explained when sorting out relationships. It seems to a person that he cannot shout to his partner, both literally and figuratively, so he raises his voice. This is clear. Well, what about rude words? Psychologists have an explanation for this as well.
Rough and even profane language is always emotionally charged and is used in order to convey one’s thoughts even more “accessibly.” But seriously, the reasons for the not always adequate behavior of men is that they usually have more restrained behavior than us women. It is we who react emotionally to every little thing, but they accumulate and accumulate their discontent, internal tension grows, and then suddenly boom - and “you, a bad person, ruined his life.”
Another reason why a husband is rude may lie in the so-called “pattern behavior.” Simply put, in conflict situations, the spouse behaves the way his parents behaved.

Take care of youself

It’s probably not very pleasant to read this, but sometimes a woman whose husband is constantly rude should think about whether she has put herself in such an unenviable position. After all, as people say, “you want to hit a hunchbacked back,” but psychologists put it more delicately: the victim always finds his tyrant. What can you do if this is true, at least partially? We need to find a middle ground between “I’d rather remain silent out of harm’s way” and “I’ll defend my opinion until I’m hoarse.” Try to look at the situation from the outside, let him speak, and when the “fountain of emotions” dries up, calmly identify his actions and tell him about your feelings. For example, “You are screaming now. Why are you doing it? When you do this, I feel offended and want to defend myself.” Agree with your husband that, no matter how heated the argument may be, you will not get personal. After all, this is humiliation. Namely, from this, first of all, a man must protect his half.

Work for two

If you understand that the cause of your problems is your husband’s choleric temperament, try to convince him to seek help or advice (for some reason this word sounds safer for men) from a good family psychotherapist. However, this is not always easy to do. In any case, try to agree with your husband (when he is in a good mood) on a few rules at the moment when he feels like he is about to explode. If you happen to respond to your husband “in return,” they will also be useful to you.
To express your emotions, you need to choose a special place in the apartment. The main thing is that it is not the kitchen or the bedroom - we subconsciously consider these places to be the most intimate, so they should not be associated with conflicts.
During a “speech” you can raise your voice, but calling names and insulting is a no-no. Also, you can't interrupt each other. If you still have difficulties with the latter, try this psychological technique. Choose a small object (a pen, a TV remote control, a bottle of perfume) and agree that the person holding the object has the right to vote.
Physical pressure in the family is unacceptable not only to people, but also to things. And you cannot argue your opinion by throwing or breaking things.
If you feel like your emotions are getting the better of you, start communicating using notes. Thus, it will not be possible to interrupt or raise your voice. Yes, and calling people names, most likely, will not work, because the statements will be more constructive and thoughtful.

It shouldn't be like this!

It’s a completely different matter when such behavior from your husband is the style of your relationship. He is firmly convinced that his behavior is absolutely normal and not rudeness at all, but just mild criticism? It's time for heavy artillery. During your next performance, try to discreetly film it on your mobile camera or at least record it on a voice recorder. And when he is complacent, let him view or listen to the “compromising evidence.” If after this he does not think about his behavior, more drastic measures are needed. It's time to think about what good you are getting from your marriage. Stability, habit, material security are, of course, important, but your self-esteem and self-esteem cannot be sacrificed for this. You should be aware that many psychologists and women's rights organizations consider behavior in which one person regularly verbally abuses another as emotional abuse. I am sure that if you really want to change the situation for the better, you will succeed! And your most faithful helpers in this will be self-respect and the belief that you deserve only the best.

Look at you

You, in turn, also control yourself, because, let’s be honest, women know how to “nail” and “bring to white heat” like no one else. Do you allow yourself to make negative statements about his earnings? Do you question his abilities, criticize him in front of strangers? Any man perceives such behavior as humiliation, psychologists say. Someone withdraws, becomes apathetic, and someone will defend themselves with the same weapon - humiliation, only in the form of rude and offensive words. Therefore, always remember what kind of husband you want to have next to you. Smart, strong, successful? Then treat him that way.

Hello! Please tell me how to deal with my husband’s rudeness? My husband is a very impulsive person, and there are situations when he allows himself to speak too harshly to me, to be very rude... I, on the contrary, am the kind of person who will never allow himself to talk like that and, therefore, when this happens, I feel offended depths of my soul - I’m simply speechless... Why can such a dear person behave like this towards me? Does he really not respect me as a person, as his wife, to that extent? I know that he loves me, after some time he asks for forgiveness, but it’s becoming more and more difficult for me... I’m afraid that this may alienate us... Is it possible to “fight” this without him noticing? Is it possible to make sure that this does not happen again? (I see that my requests do not help). And how should you behave correctly in such moments? (We are a religious family, married for 1.5 years). Thank you, best regards, N.

Women marry angels, and after a while they can get a demon. Something happens, and after a while many spouses complain that the husband has become aggressive and irritable. How does such a transformation occur, where and, most importantly, why does an aggressive spouse arise in the family, and is it possible to do something about it so as not to be an eternal victim?

An eternally dissatisfied and angry partner has become a common phenomenon in our country. This condition often causes physical or mental harm. There are people who are able to withstand such outbursts of emotions, and there are those for whom this will be critical. But if a reason appears that makes the partner such, it is quite possible that there is a factor that will return the usual psychological state. First of all, it is worth understanding the reasons for what is happening in order to be able to configure something.

Aggression is quite typical for male behavior.

It allows you to gain social status in society - leader, leader. Achieve goals, win the favor of ladies. Run a business successfully and compete with rivals in any field.

So, as we see, in certain doses this condition is even useful, being the core of a man’s character. So where does an angry and nervous man come from, whose critical excesses interfere with life?

So, why did the husband become irritable, what are the main reasons?

1. Major constant troubles at work. In addition, under stressful conditions, the brain does not have time to move from one mode, work, to another, family relationships, so a transfer of behavior patterns occurs. A man proves his case to the director by standing in front of his wife. Physical exhaustion, lack of sleep, overwork are also reasons for irritability, both with yourself, and from there - with those around you.
2. Psychological traumas of childhood. They can become aggravated in certain situations, they can go into the subconscious and remain there for years. It is worth understanding the reasons for their manifestations at certain moments. You cannot do without a specialist in such matters in order to get rid of internal complexes once and for all.
3. Application of a model of behavior in the family adopted from parents. If the father and mother were constantly at knifepoint, creating scenes with a showdown, against the backdrop of screaming and scandals, the child takes this as the norm and builds his family relationships in a similar way. This is usually noticeable at the very beginning of a relationship.
4. Abuse of alcohol, drugs and other drugs. The psyche is disturbed, a person is no longer able to adequately assess the environment and his behavior, periodically loses control over himself and does not notice it, becomes angry, dissatisfied with everything around him and irritable.
5. Male irritability syndrome (MIS) is a recently emerging diagnosis in medical practice. It is characteristic of that period of a man’s condition, a kind of menopause, when the body produces less testosterone, the male hormone. This leads to the husband becoming irritable and aggressive, nervous and tired. So this behavior is not always a consequence of external factors, but is sometimes due to physiological reasons.

Manifestation methods

Aggression is sometimes a peculiar way of male self-affirmation. This behavior often occurs in cases where a person experiences a lack of love, attention, or warmth. In this way, he begins to fight for them, to prove that he is worthy of attention.

Jealous husbands aggressively express their rights over women. For many women, such emotions are mistaken for outbursts of passion, according to the principle “hitting means loving.”

It also happens that aggressiveness becomes a way of communication.

Aggressive behavior of a person is a manifestation of his internal properties, such as:

• weakness;
• lack of self-confidence and strength;
• inner anger;
• various psychological complexes. It’s easier for women to cope with them, because it’s easier to admit their inadequacy. Men are less flexible;
• various fears, especially not being realized, wealthy (in any matter), achieving something.

Often the husband is very hot-tempered and aggressive because this is a response to a ban, restriction of rights, infringement of dignity. A way to get what you want if it turns out to be impossible otherwise. When such behavior receives the approval of a partner, it is clearly established as not only normal and producing results, but also placing the spouse on a higher level, allowing him to dominate in the conflict. However, aggression has a property - it is like fire, it attacks everything around without choosing an object. Therefore, in the next conflict, the place of the neighbor or conductor will be the wife who recently admired her husband, who solved the issue with his fists.

Forms of aggression

Despite all the variety of forms of this emotion, aggression can be:

• verbal
• physical.

It would seem that nothing compares to a physical blow. But a well-placed word sometimes hurts just as much. Offensive nicknames, uncontrolled statements, rude attacks, threats, comparisons - all this causes deep psychological trauma, especially if it happens often. Even if the words are not fair and everyone knows about it, they hurt very painfully, and even an apology subsequently does not smooth out the scratched relationship.

Physical violence is very common in many families, no matter how many times a hot-tempered and irritable husband hurts his wife, time passes and she forgets everything. Either in an effort to save the family, or in a hopeless belief that everything will change in some wonderful way, or out of great love.

An aggressive man - what is he like?

Almost all aggressive individuals have similar character traits. Which ones exactly?

• They often consider others to be their enemies. To protect yourself from a potential blow, strike it first.
• They have low self-esteem. Aggression in this case is perceived as the very way to assert oneself, to prove one’s strength to oneself and one’s opponent.
• They look for the culprit of their mistakes from the outside. Instead of analyzing your own behavior, the easiest way is to identify those around you who are responsible for the failure and attack him with reproaches. Your weaknesses require justification, which is only possible with an external culprit. Such people do not like to take responsibility.
• They allow themselves outbursts of anger, easily and quickly ignite, allowing themselves to be nervous, and sometimes enjoying this state.
• They do not compromise and are extremely self-centered.

What to do in cases of male aggression

If your husband is aggressive, what should you do first? It is very difficult to restrain your emotions and not succumb to mutual aggression or violent tears, depending on the woman’s temperament. This is possible in conditions of composure and a rational approach.

First of all, you should not enter into conflict. A woman should avoid this in every possible way: go shopping, even if she doesn’t need anything, go for a walk, trying in every possible way to disappear from sight and stop being an annoying factor. When an aggressive husband is alone with his emotions, due to the lack of a punching bag, he will calm down.

Helping a man get rid of attacks of anger and irritability is possible only with his consent and willingness. No doctor will heal a sick person who does not want to be healed.

How to behave if your husband has become aggressive and irritable, how to properly resolve conflicts? Recommendations from a psychologist in the field of family relationships will help.

1. Gently remind your partner of his shortcomings if you feel that attacks and accusations against you are groundless. Offer to improve and develop together - a joint business always unites.
2. Try to find the cause of your man’s outbursts and discontent, and figure out whether you are contributing to the process of forming negative emotions.
3. Don’t let anger, uncertainty, or irritability take you out. Do not take accusations at face value, do not humiliate yourself by adapting to all your partner’s claims and fantasies.
4. Do not put pressure on a man, forcing him to act against his will, obeying your desires and demands. Allow your partner to strive and achieve something of their own, even if you yourself do not see the value and importance of it. The spouse also has his own desires and goals, do not deprive them. The best way to persuade is negotiation; use dialogue to resolve conflicts.
5. Don’t hide your grievances, tell your partner about them, build feedback. Sometimes things happen that happen only because the man has no idea that you are not into it.
6. Strengthen your own self-esteem.
7. Remember your dignity in difficult moments. Sometimes it is worth pretending that nothing is happening in order to devalue emotions.
8. Manage yourself, this extends to those around you. Self-control often solves problems more than shouting and strong emotions. At the same time, it is also necessary to let off steam, but in more painless ways, there are a lot of them (physical activity, hitting a pillow, playing sports, etc.). And then the question of why the husband became like this will disappear
9. If this is a manifestation of MIS - male irritability syndrome, then a man needs female warmth and care more than ever. At this time, attentive attention from loved ones will help you get through a difficult period. Otherwise, the husband will forever be in this state.

Conclusion

Wives married to abusive men know it, but often don't want to admit it. This kind of partner behavior is usually kept secret, especially when it happens and others are not around. If this problem really bothers you, don’t let things take their course. If both partners want, a solution can always be found.