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1.1 Features of building relationships between mother and child in the context of theoretical research

The parent-child relationship is the most important condition for mental development child. It has been scientifically proven that insufficient communication between the infant and the mother leads to mental retardation and various kinds of deviations.

Thus, the characteristics of maternal behavior can influence the development of the child.

The problem of psychological readiness for motherhood is the most important in terms of developmental, preventive and corrective work in the field of the psychology of motherhood and the relationship between mother and child in the first years of his life.

According to D. Bowlby, the innate means of stimulating maternal care are such manifestations of the child's behavior as: crying, smiling, sucking, grasping, babbling, etc. According to D. Bowlby, the crying of a child affects the mother at the level of physiological reactions. In turn, the baby's smile and babble prompt the mother to do all sorts of things that show their approval.

It has been proved that establishing contact between the views of an adult and a child is of great importance for the formation of communication. At the same time, a social smile and eye contact are a kind of encouragement, a reward for maternal care. “Can we doubt,” writes D. Bowlby, “that the more and better the baby smiles, the more they love him and the more they take care of him. For the benefit of survival, babies are so constructed that they use and enslave their mothers.”

In addition, in addition to the ability to attract and hold attention, the child is also endowed with an avoidance mechanism. Crying, screaming, hiccups, yawns, energetic movements of the arms and legs are bright signals for interrupting the interaction.

Thus, when communicating with the mother, the child is not a passive object of influence, he is able to regulate maternal behavior through the available means of communication.

Filippova G.G. engaged in the study of the problem of readiness for motherhood of women expecting a child.

Personal readiness: general personal maturity adequate age and gender identification; ability to make decisions and responsibility; strong attachment; personal qualities necessary for effective motherhood.

Adequate model of parenthood: the adequacy of the models of maternal and paternal roles formed in their family in relation to the model of personality, family and parenthood of their culture; optimal parental attitudes for the birth and upbringing of a child, position, educational strategies, maternal attitude.

Motivational readiness: the maturity of the motivation for the birth of a child, in which the child does not become: a means of sex-role, age and personal self-realization of a woman; a means of retaining a partner or strengthening a family; a means of compensating for their child-parent relationship; a means of achieving a certain social status, etc.

Formation of maternal competence: attitude towards the child as a subject of physical and mental needs and subjective experiences; sensitivity to stimulation from a child; the ability to adequately respond to the manifestations of the child; the ability to navigate to understand the state of the child on the characteristics of his behavior and his condition; a flexible attitude to the regimen and an orientation towards the individual rhythm of the child's life activity in the early period of his development; the necessary knowledge about the physical and mental development of the child, especially the age characteristics of his interaction with the world; the ability to work together with the child; skills of education and training, adequate to the age characteristics of the child.

Formation of the maternal sphere.

Motherhood as a part of the personal sphere of a woman includes three blocks, the content of which is consistently formed in the ontogeny of a woman. In the emotional-needs: reaction to all components of the gestalt of infancy (physical, behavioral and productive-activity characteristics of the child); the unification of the components of the gestalt of infancy on the child as an object of the maternal sphere; the need to interact with the child, to care for him; the need for motherhood (in experiencing the states corresponding to the fulfillment of maternal functions). In the operational: operations of verbal and non-verbal communication with the child; adequate style of emotional accompaniment of interaction with the child; child care operations with the necessary stylistic characteristics (confidence, care, affectionate movements). In the value-semantic sense: the adequate value of the child (the child as an independent value) and motherhood; the optimal balance of maternal values ​​and other need-motivational spheres of a woman.

In the works of S.Yu. Meshcheryakova singled out the concept of "maternal competence". According to the author, maternal competence is determined not only by the mother's ability to provide physiological care for the child, but also by her knowledge of the basic psychological features child and the ability to satisfy them. The level of maternal competence already in the first months of a child's life is determined by how she provides the conditions for the development of emotional communication and the formation of attachment in an infant.

It is emotional communication at this stage that is the main condition for the full mental development of the child. Communication is such an interaction between a mother and a child, when partners alternately address each other as a subject, a person, expressing their attitude and taking into account the influence of a partner, and both partners are proactive.

S.Yu. Meshcheryakova identifies the following reasons for the lack of communication between mother and child:

The amount of communication is reduced due to the child's refusal to rock the child before bedtime, refusal to talk with the child, ignoring the child's crying;

Not satisfying the need for attention to the baby, which is signaled by children's crying, due to which parents are deprived of the opportunity to express their love and tenderness to the child in a timely manner, and thus make it difficult for him to form confidence in parental love, security, in his "need" to others;

Interacting with a child only on their own initiative, acting not on the basis of the interests and needs of the child, adults deprive the child of the opportunity to develop his own initiative, as they do not allow him to feel that he is the cause of what is happening.

E.O. Smirnova also highlights communication as an important condition for the development of a child in childhood. Communication for the child, according to the author, is the main source of the child's experiences and becomes for him the main condition for the formation of personality. In communication, the formation of such mental qualities of the child as: self-esteem, thinking, imagination, speech, feelings, emotions, etc.

E.O. Smirnova believes that the personality of the child, his interests, self-understanding, his consciousness and self-consciousness can only arise in relations with adults. Without love, attention and understanding of close adults, a child cannot become a full-fledged person.

M. I. Lisina considered the communication of a child with an adult as a kind of activity, the subject of which is another person. The psychological essence of the need for communication, according to M.I. Lisina, consists in the desire to know oneself and other people.

In accordance with the studies of M.I. Lisina, during childhood, the child develops and develops four forms of communication that characterize his mental development.

With the normal development of the child, each form develops at a certain age. So, the situational-personal form of communication arises in the second month of life and remains the only one up to six to seven months. In the second half of life, situational business communication with an adult is formed, in which the main thing for a child is a joint game with objects. This communication remains leading up to 4 years. At the age of four or five years, when the child is already fluent in speech and can talk with an adult on abstract topics, extra-situational-cognitive communication becomes possible.

In the works of S.V. Kornitskaya studied the influence of mother's communication with the baby and the formation of a child's feeling of attachment to the mother. The author's research describes an experiment when children of the first and second half of life were offered various forms of communication. Babies in the first half of the year were equally pleased with all three options for communication. Their need for benevolent attention was satisfied by the gentle, calm voice of an adult and individual appeal to him.

By the end of the first year, children preferred situational business communication with an adult. Which indicates attachment to an adult as an object of satisfying the need for communication. The emergence and development of situational business communication is reflected in the attitude towards an adult and in sensitivity to his influences. In the first half of the year, infants react equally to the positive and negative influences of an adult, in both cases showing positive emotions. In the second half of the year, the picture of the child's behavior changes.

Thus, the child is able to evaluate himself as a person, compare himself with other people, form self-esteem and evaluate others in communication with other people. In addition, experiencing a certain connection with another person (love, friendship, respect), the child learns the world by joining the community of people. In such a connection, new knowledge is not acquired (we do not learn anything new), but at the same time, it is in relations with another that the child finds, realizes himself, discovers and understands others in all their (and his) integrity and uniqueness, and in this sense knows himself. and others.

In the works of L.I. Bozovic mother is considered as a source of satisfaction of the child's need for impressions. At an early age, it is the behavior of the mother that ensures the emergence, based on the need for impressions, of the need for communication (in the form of emotional interaction).

According to N.N. Avdeeva, the child's attachment to the mother is the most important acquisition of infancy. At the same time, signs of affection are manifested in the fact that the object of affection can calm and comfort the baby better than others; the baby more often than others, turns to him for consolation; in the presence of an object of affection, the infant is less likely to experience fear.

M. Ainsworth connects the infant's attachment to the mother and the quality of care for him. According to M. Ainsworth, the baby is the more attached to the mother, the more mothers show the greatest sensitivity and responsiveness to the child.

The author identified some characteristics of mothers that contribute to the formation of secure attachment: sensitivity, expressed in quick and adequate reactions to the baby's signals; positive attitude (expression of positive emotions, love towards the baby); support (constant emotional support for the child's actions); stimulation (frequent use of actions that guide the child).

Attachment has a certain value for the infant in terms of safety and self-preservation. First of all, it gives the child a sense of confidence when interacting with the surrounding world of objects and people, and also contributes to the adequate socialization of the child.

Abulkhanova - Slavskaya K.A. notes that the child is not the object of educational influences, but is an ally in the general family life. A feature of the interaction of the child with the mother is the fact that in the process of this communication, children have an educational impact on the parents themselves. Under the influence of communication with their own children, engaging in various forms of communication with them, performing special actions to care for the child, parents change their mental qualities to a large extent, their inner spiritual world is noticeably transformed.

Thus, only in the productive joint activity of a mother and a young child, in the process of its implementation, does a constructive dialogue take place between mother and child.

In a word, the role of the mother and her behavior are decisive in the further mental, emotional and social development of the child.

1.2 Psychological aspects of the formation of the maternal sphere

Psychological research proves that readiness for motherhood develops in stages. In psychology, there are 6 stages in the formation of the maternal sphere. And the main driving factor in the development of the child in the first years of life is the full realization of the maternal sphere.

A.I. Zakharov distinguishes the following periods in the development of the "maternal instinct": the relationship of the girl with her parents; game behavior; stages of sexual identification - puberty and adolescence. At the same time, the features of the manifestation of motherhood entirely depend on the psychological content of the stages of ontogenesis and create the prerequisites for harmonious relations between mother and child.

Interaction with mother early age occurs at all stages of the development of the girl in the process of her communication with her mother. At the same time, the most important for the formation of a full-fledged maternal sphere at this stage is the age of a girl up to three years. This stage is characterized by the assimilation of the emotional significance of parent-child relationships.

According to L.S. Vygotsky, the insufficient formation of the future mother's attachment to close adults can lead to fragile attachments with her own child in the future. In addition, the quality of the mother-daughter bond and its influence on the daughter's maternal sphere is determined not only by attachment, but also by the style of emotional communication and participation of the mother in the daughter's emotional life.

Representatives of the psychoanalytic approach are of the opinion that the attitude of the mother to the child is laid even before his birth. At the same time, the unborn child receives the emotional experience of communicating with the mother already at this stage of its development. Subsequently, this emotional experience influences the formation and maintenance of the girl's maternal sphere.

Thus, a positive experience of communication with a mother is a favorable condition for the formation of a subjective attitude towards other people and one's own children.

An equally important stage in the development of the maternal sphere is the stage of including the content of motherhood in play activities. During the game, the girl tries on the role of a mother for the first time, while, depending on the plot of the game, the child experiences different roles in the relationship and interaction between mother and child. Such a realization by the child of the role of the mother in game situations and modeling of real behavior during the game makes it possible to play female variants of the woman's sex-role behavior, as well as to consolidate maternal motives and actions and acquire emotional experience associated with motherhood.

During the babysitting stage, the child gains real experience with babies, as well as skills in handling a small child.

The most sensitive for the formation of the maternal sphere at the stage of nursing is the age of the child from 6 to 10 years. During this period, the child has a clear idea of ​​the features of the interaction between an adult and an infant. And the main content of this stage is the transfer of the features of interaction with the doll mastered in the game to real interactions with the baby. In adolescence, girls at the stage of nanny consolidate an emotional and positive attitude towards the baby.

The complete absence of the stage of nursing in ontogeny can form negative emotional reactions to children.

The next stage in the formation of the maternal sphere is the stage of differentiation of the sexual and maternal spheres. The gender component is included in the structure of the female role in adolescence. At the same time, disharmony between sexual and sexual behavior is the main reason for the defective development of motherhood. In the future, this leads to distorted maternal functioning.

Another important basis for the disharmony of the development of the sexual and maternal spheres is the mental and social infantilism of the expectant mother, which manifests itself when demonstrating her own sexuality and in sexual behavior in general.

It has been proven that the most significant stage in the development of the maternal sphere is the stage of interaction with one's own child. Since the main filling and structuring of the maternal sphere occurs during the bearing, care and upbringing of the child. This stage includes: pregnancy, childbirth, the postpartum period, the period of infancy of the child.

There are 9 main periods of this stage of development of the maternal sphere:

Identification of pregnancy;

The period before the onset of sensations of stirring;

The appearance and stabilization of the sensations of the baby moving;

seventh and eighth months of pregnancy;

Prenatal;

Childbirth and the postpartum period;

newborn;

Joint-separated activity of the mother with the child;

The emergence of interest in the child as a person.

The final stage in the development of the maternal sphere is the stage in which the mother develops an emotional attachment to the child. This happens on the basis of the dynamics of the emotional attitude of the mother to the child in the process of its development.

Thus, even in the womb, a close and emotional contact is established between the mother and the unborn child.

The mother's ideas about childbirth and the postpartum period, as well as her ideas about the upbringing of the child and his individual characteristics, are, according to G.G. Filippova, an indicator of the successful development of the maternal sphere and, as a result, a positive attitude towards the unborn child.

The formation of emotional intimacy in relationships with a child begins in the prenatal period, and continues to develop after childbirth. At the same time, a special role in the formation of emotional intimacy is assigned to mutual sensory stimulation during the care of an infant.

The ability to identify the needs of the child and organize the mother's own actions, which are formed in the process of caring for a newborn, depend on maternal competence and attitude towards the child.

Within the framework of the psychoanalytic approach, the competence of the mother is determined by the peculiarity of her condition, which allows her to identify with the child.

In the theory of social learning, this process is considered as the mutual learning of mother and child to send and recognize signals about their states in the process of interaction.

Thus, the attitude towards the child is formed, stabilized and consolidated during pregnancy, goes through the phases of symbiosis and separation.

Initially, in the phase of symbiosis, the woman's relationship to the child is identified with the relationship to herself, while the child appears to the woman as something one with herself, she does not differentiate the child as a separate being.

At the phase of separation, there is a separation in the consciousness of the pregnant woman of the subjects of the “mother-child” relationship, and the child is already presented as independent in his needs and behavioral reactions. The individualization of the child and the attitude towards him as a subject is an important characteristic of the mother's attitude, which allows the mother not only to take into account the individual characteristics of the child, but also to flexibly vary the styles of communication with him. Therefore, the timely passage of the separation phase contributes to the establishment of optimal maternal-child relationships in the neonatal period.

Violations in the interaction of a mother with a child during the neonatal period have negative consequences not only for the personality of the child, but also for the further formation of the maternal sphere of a woman.

During the period of joint-separative activity of mother and child, a woman has already formed a certain style of emotional interaction with the baby, the operational-behavioral side of motherhood is fixed, and the life situation is built taking into account the presence of a child. Further filling of the maternal sphere occurs in connection with the care and care of the child in the process of its development, the development of parenting styles, the living of situations that require the mother to realize her function as an object of affection for the child.

The next period of the formation of motherhood is the emergence of interest in the child as a person, and is carried out in the second year of the child's life. During this period, the functions of the mother are complicated by the need to change the relationship to the child. Mothering must now combine security and self-sufficiency. Therefore, the formation of a harmonious maternal attitude in this period depends on the degree of sensitivity of the mother to the needs and problems of the child, as well as her motivation to participate in play activities, and interest in the ways the child sets and solves play tasks.

The constant participation of the mother in the life of the child, on the one hand, and giving him the opportunity to be the initiator in his motives and actions, on the other hand, contribute to the development and maintenance of emotional closeness in relationships, the observation of the child's personality changes, the mother's interest in his individual, independent path of development.

Only the steady dominance of the value of the child and an adequate style of emotional maternal attitude can provide an opportunity to develop a personal relationship to the child and maintain his emotional well-being in life situations.

1.3 The main conditions for the formation of emotional closeness and confidential communication between mother and child

Personal relationships between mother and child are established in the process of interaction and mutual influence on each other. V.A. Petrovsky, insists that "joint activity and active communication between adults and children, their cooperation and community in real, live contacts with each other - this is the environment in which the personality of the child and the personality of the adult as an educator arise and develop."

In the process of repeated interactions with the mother and other loved ones, the child develops “working models of himself and other people”, which help him navigate the society. A positive communication model can be formed under the influence of trusting, attentive and caring communication with the mother. Disharmonious relationships convince the child of negativism and the danger of the surrounding reality.

Also, in the process of interaction with the mother, the child develops a “model of himself”. With positive communication, this is initiative, independence, self-confidence and self-respect, and with negative communication, it is passivity, dependence on others, an inadequate image of the Self.

In addition, the child transfers the primary attachment formed in childhood to communication with peers. So children with secure attachment are socially competent in interactions with peers.

Due to the mother's positive attitude towards the child, sensitivity to his needs, the infant develops a sense of security and support, which he transfers to further communication with other people, as well as a secure attachment to the mother.

Mothers who are inconsistent in taking care of the baby, showing either enthusiasm or indifference depending on their mood, have children showing insecure attachment.

Exploring the parental position as a real orientation of the educational activities of parents, arising under the influence of the motives of education, its adequacy, flexibility, predictability, A. S. Spivakovskaya draws on such a feature as the ability of a parent to see, understand the individuality of his child, to notice the changes taking place in his soul. “Constant tactful peering, feeling into the emotional state, the inner world of the child, into the changes taking place in him, especially his mental structure - all this creates the basis for a deep understanding between children and parents at any age.” Such sensitivity to the child is determined by the general emotional value attitude towards him, which is the basis of the interaction of a parent with a child, and it is no coincidence that it is used to characterize parental attitudes, parenting styles, types of family education.

In the studies of S.Yu. Meshcheryakova proved that quickly responding to crying and positive or negative emotions of the child, the mother shows high sensitivity to the baby, thereby creating favorable conditions for its development.

Such a mother in advance endows the child with personal qualities; she interprets any manifestations of the baby as appeals to her.

In this case, an atmosphere of emotional communication is involuntarily organized, which awakens in the child the need for communication.

The sensitivity of the mother to the manifestations of the child, the emotional richness of her appeals to him ensures emotional communication between the child and the mother. In the process of joint communication with the mother, the child develops such personality traits as attachment to the mother, a positive sense of self, a sense of security.

The study by E. Poptsova discusses the reasons for the more or less emotionally warm attitude of the mother to the child. According to the author, it is associated with the socio-economic status, cultural level, the age of the mother, the experience of her own upbringing in the parental family.

AND I. Varga defines parental attitude as an integral system of various feelings towards the child, behavioral stereotypes practiced in communication with him, the features of education and understanding of the child's character, his actions. Parental attitude is a multidimensional formation, including the integral acceptance or rejection of the child, interpersonal distance, i.e. the degree of closeness of the parent to the child, the form and direction of control over his behavior. Discussing aspects of parental attitude (emotional, cognitive, behavioral), the author believes that the emotional generatrix occupies a leading position.

A.I. Sorokina, studying the development of an emotional relationship with an adult in the first year of life, studied children with different communication experiences: babies from families and from orphanages. The results of the study showed that infants from the orphanage, experiencing a lack of communication, show positive emotions under the negative influences of an adult, while family children already at the end of the first half of the year begin to react negatively to them.

Communication experience is also reflected in the intensity and variety of emotional manifestations of infants. In the first half of the year, more bright smiles, joyful vocalizations, violent manifestations of motor animation are observed in family children than in children from the orphanage. In the second half of the year, their negative emotions are more diversely expressed: family children are offended, angry, whimpering plaintively, they reveal many shades of discontent, embarrassment, "coquetry"; orphans, on the other hand, mostly show stiffness, fear and slight discontent.

According to Mukhamedrakhimov R.Zh., violations of the social and emotional interaction between the child and the mother contribute to the manifestation of the loneliness of the child at an older age. At the same time, the author claims that the mother's stay in a stressful situation leads to negative consequences and negatively affects the child's psyche.

Emotional deprivation that took place in the relationship between mother and child at an early age can negatively affect the relationship between mother and child, as well as the child's ability to establish contact with peers, which in turn can negatively affect the emotional and social ill-being of the child.

In his research, Mukhamedrakhimov R. Zh. insists that the most harmonious and emotionally favorable relationship between mother and child is established when the child and mother live in a family, in conditions of emotional, economic, social, physical stability, predictability, and security. When a mother from the very birth of a child is focused on understanding him, sensitive and responsive to his signals and impulses, sensitively captures and promptly satisfies the needs of the child.

D. Stern found that the mother's behavior in communication with the baby differs from communication with older children and is expressed in the following features: the "childishness" of the mother's speech addressed to the baby; increased voice height and melodiousness. According to the psychologist, this form of behavior is of great importance for the mental development of the child. During the pause between calls, an imitative infant is able to respond to the mother's initiative with vocal imitation, which in turn encourages her to continue the interaction that has begun and change behavior, adapting to the child. And the baby, receiving a positive experience of communication, will continue to respond to these initiatives, which will subsequently lead to a dialogue between mother and child.

D. Stern also notes the slow formation and long retention of a particularly emotional facial expression and the repetition of actions that are unusual in tempo and rhythm of movements of approaching and moving away from the baby. The repertoire of expressive facial expressions is limited and does not change: an expression of surprise - to show readiness or an invitation to interact; smile or expression of interest - to maintain contact. The mother frowns or looks away if she wants to end the interaction, and keeps a neutral expression when avoiding it.

Thus, the mother's stereotypical behavior when interacting with the child, which consists of constant content and stereotypical manifestations of behavior, creates in the child a sense of stability and predictability of the surrounding world, a sense of security.

Between 2 and 6 months, mother and baby learn to interact with each other. They learn to read the signals of the beginning and end of each other's activity, follow the order and build long chains of interaction.

In the second half of life, the child moves to the stage of business communication. This transition is accompanied by the following features.

At 6-7 months, the baby tries to attract his mother to joint actions, to draw her attention to any object. He willingly plays with toys, mastering all new actions. The main task of education during this period is to create conditions conducive to bringing objective activity to the fore.

From 9 months, the baby is already guided by the emotional reaction of the mother. At the same time, faced with an uncertain situation, he seeks information to understand and evaluate the situation from a loved one, capturing the mother's reaction to what is happening.

Mutual adaptation, the presence of the infant's own social activity in interactions with the mother led to the conclusion: “The child and the mother change each other. They both develop. Socialization is not a one-sided, but a two-sided enterprise: like education, it is, in essence, a joint affair.

Thus, the influence of the mother on the mental development of the child is great, since the development of the child's personality occurs in the process of objectifying the need for communication. The need for a "other" person, contact with him during communication and interaction is the driving force behind the formation and development of the child's personality.

SYMBIOTIC ASPECTS OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD

N.V. SAMOUKINA

In the unstable conditions of the transition period and crisis, people need values ​​that they can "lean" on and that do not collapse under any political and socio-economic breakdowns. Such eternal values, undoubtedly, are in the sphere of personal relationships - friendships, love and family. And in this area, the core that carries the main burden of people's value expectations regarding love and support, of course, is the relationship between mother and child. The life goals of a generation can radically change, the state in which a person was born can disappear, the usual names of the streets on which he lived, met with loved ones and walked with children can be lost, the institution in which he worked ceases to exist, but the mother’s love given to him from the beginning of life, will remain with him forever, nourishing him with his life-giving warmth.

"Pumping" the main "array" of internal energy of a value and emotional order from professional, social and other relations to the "most eternal" and "purest" relations, which are the relations between mother and child, no matter how sad it sounds, begins to deform and destroy precisely these are the most important relationships. Desperate to find her life niche in a collapsing world, the mother transfers all her strength to the child, trying to become a "wall" for him, protecting him from the difficult problems of his current existence. In turn, a child (of any age), faced with the aggressiveness and danger of the outside world, seeks to find a "quiet refuge" and protection in maternal love. As a result, both of them make their relationships excessively saturated, intense, interdependent and even painful, trying to realize themselves in them and only in them, since a full-fledged realization in a distorted external world is difficult or impossible. They live for each other and do not let go of each other, thus creating the only opportunity mutual love and warmth and at the same time mutual lack of freedom and an incomprehensible, unnaturally closed circuit.

X In one of the southern cities, after a seminar, a respectable man of mature years approached me. He asked to receive his elderly mother, who began to show sclerotic phenomena. When talking with him, it turned out that he holds the post of vice president of a large bank in the city, was twice married, divorced and now lives with his mother. They have common money, they shop together, watch TV, walk, relax in the country. And so for several years. When I asked if he had a woman, he replied: "It's useless, with women I have

nothing works: they do not want me, but my money. Mom doesn't want anything from me, she just loves me."

X At the reception - a mother and her son, a teenager. The boy does not go to school while being homeschooled. One does not leave the house, always and everywhere - only with his mother. During counseling, he sits next to her, holding her hand.

There is a father in the house, but, being the owner of a large company, he works hard and rarely communicates with his son. In relations between spouses - the distance that the husband experiences as natural, and the wife does not accept it and suffers. The son became for her the only person on whom you can "pour out" your love and whom it was scary to let go of yourself, because the work and constant overload of her husband cause her rejection: "I don't want my son to be the same as her husband".

X In the family - grandfather, grandmother, divorced mother and her twelve-year-old daughter. For about three years, the girl does not go to school, being home-schooled. Reason: the mother is afraid that at school her daughter will contract a viral infection, learn profanity, be subjected to violence, and finally try drugs. The mother's fears for the health and upbringing of her daughter became apparent during her divorce from her husband, which occurred after the husband lost his job. "Another life", which arose in Russia, remained for the young woman incomprehensible, terrible and causing only destruction to her and her family, and it was from this life that she sought to protect her child.

X At the consultation - a mother with her son, a second-grader. She carefully takes off his coat, straightens his clothes, smoothes his hair and leads him into the office. Complaint: the boy is passive in the lessons, does not answer the teacher's questions, although he prepares homework well. In front of me is a child with open and trustingly open eyes, almost not entering into communication. Every time he asks a psychologist, he turns to his mother, as if asking her how and what to answer. And the mother is responsible for the son.

The family consists of a father, mother and two sons. A few years ago, the eldest, who was brought in for a consultation, almost died due to the fault of his father: they were crossing the street in the wrong place, and the boy was hit by a "new Russian" car. The mother spent a long time in the hospital, nursing her child, and the father went to work in the company of a man whose car hit his son. The family continues to exist, but the mother has a constant fear for the life of the child, and the father is completely removed from education.

The article offered to the reader does not contain a fundamental theoretical analysis, it is written in order to make the strange, contradictory and, in a psychological sense, unnatural relationship between a mother and a child - not only pre-adolescent, but already grown up and become an adult - become clearer.

How does the emergence and formation of such a relationship between mother and child in their everyday life every day, for many months and years? What influences does the mother make and what responses does the child take? How can a psychologist react to this? What to take as a point of internal support in a conversation with a mother and her adult child? How can a consultant psychologist approach the correction of these relations, shrouded for people living in Russia with an aura of holiness? What actions of the mother should be classified as positive and developing, and which - as negative and destructive? Can a child who has become an adult, first with the help of a psychologist, and then independently, rebuild his relationship with his mother, or is he forced to come to terms with her powerful maternal instinct?

Let us turn to some works in which the search for answers to these questions was carried out. So, in his monograph "Mother's Right" I.Ya. Bachofen singled out not only the positive aspect of the attachment of the child to the mother, but also the negative one. The first aspect is manifested in the unconditional love of the mother, because she loves the child not for something, but precisely because he is her child. All mother's children have equal rights to her love and care.

because they are her children. The negative aspect of attachment is manifested in the fact that it can interfere with the development of a person's individuality, since he remains for her (and, as a result, for himself) a child at a time when, in fact, he has already become an adult.

E. Fromm also described the positive and negative aspects of maternal love, conducting a comparative analysis of fatherhood and motherhood in this regard. Many of the things he said come up in modern psychological counseling. It must be remembered that for E. Fromm, maternal love was all-preserving, all-protecting and all-encompassing, while father's love was associated with submission or rebellion. Attachment to the mother is a natural, natural attachment (unconditional love), attachment to the father is an artificial system of relationships based on power and law (conscience, duty, law, hierarchy, oppression, inequality, submission).

The "positive" relationship with the father lies in the possibility, depending on the child's own activity: the father's love can be earned, it can be achieved. "Positive" maternal love - in its unconditional, given at birth. The negative aspects of father's love are connected with the fact that it is precisely obedient child(continuity is obvious, but there are also limitations in innovation). The "negative" of maternal love is that it cannot be won in any way and by nothing: either it exists or it does not. And this is the tragedy for the child: if the mother does not show her unconditional love for him in "healthy" ways that make him develop (even in obedience), he cannot achieve her love, he has only neurotic ways: regression, infantilization, decline from the level of its development to the state of the child.

The tragedy of the relationship between mother and child lies in the fact that even in the case of receiving unconditional maternal love at the time of birth and accepting it as protection and support, in the process of growing up the child becomes (and should become!) Independent and autonomous from the mother, must separate and leave from her into "my life". The ringing sadness and longing of the mother's loneliness during the period of separation of her child and the deep feeling of the beginning "orphanhood" of the child himself, his constant and far from always satisfied, and in recent years most often unsatisfied, the need for emotional acceptance, support and security - this is the "fee" for growing up and autonomy, and now in Russia - for the destroyed values ​​of human relations.

Accepting the fact that there are not only positive, but also negative aspects in parent-child relations, A.I. Zakharov describes cases of a mother's overprotection of her child (overcare, overprotection, overprotection) associated with control of a permissive or restrictive nature. A.V. Chernikov writes about the "double clamp" phenomenon, E.G. Eidemiller and V.V. Yustitsky describe violations of the mother's role behavior in the family and her feelings about this. V.V. Stolin fixes the presence of suggestion on the part of the mother and considers cases of mystification when the mother communicates with the child and behaves as if he had certain qualities. At the same time, more often it seems to imply qualities of the child that have a negative characteristic.

So, the negative aspects in the relationship between mother and child were described earlier by foreign and domestic researchers. But we do not find a detailed analysis of the process itself, in which at first imperceptible, and then destructive

internal changes, as a result of which these relations from positive and developing turn into negative and overwhelming.

In order to understand how the relationship between mother and child is actually formed, it is necessary to find a logical scheme of analysis that allows one to "grasp" the dynamics of the emergence and implementation of progressive and regressive tendencies in their relationship. In our opinion, one of these logical schemes can be found within the framework of the design approach. Despite the fact that the theoretical and methodological possibilities and heuristics of this approach are shown in works devoted to the construction of a cultural-historical concept and the theory of developmental education, nevertheless, in our opinion, the methods of thinking of the researcher developed in its "layers" can be constructively applied in the analysis of problems of parent-child relationships.

It is important to separate the concepts of "design" and "projection". Projection is a transfer by a person of his own unacceptable and unconscious motives to an explanation internal causes actions and deeds of people around. When explaining their personal difficulties by external causes, a person relieves himself of responsibility and achieves calm in a non-constructive, neurotic way.

Designing is the process of forming certain qualities in a child or an adult, in which there is always a model that acts as the beginning of the formation process and at the same time its goal. The projection that the mother carries out in the process of building her relationship with the child and cultivating certain qualities in him may or may not contain projection, but is never exhausted by the latter. Social norms and stereotypes, social and economic conditions of life, the personal history of the mother in her relationships with men in general and with the father of the child in particular, the level of education and personal development, the ability for constructive reflection and self-awareness, finally, the ways of interaction with her parents learned by the mother , - all these and many other components, except for the projection, saturate the process of designing by the mother of the psychological characteristics of her child.

Psychological design in the relationship of mother and child. When pregnancy occurs, a woman goes through the path of not only physiological preparation for childbirth. Together with her husband, she begins to think about who will be born - a boy or a girl, what kind of child will be and what kind of mother she will be. She discusses the birth of a child with relatives and friends, walks down the street and pays attention to babies, looks at her childhood photos, asks her mother about what she herself was like as a child...

In a word, a living, pulsating and changing image of her unborn child arises and forms in her mind, gradually taking shape from fragments of her childhood memories and adult impressions, her preferences, desires and aspirations. Just as a developing fetus in her body is pierced by blood vessels that feed it, so in her mind the image of an unborn child is pierced by living "threads" of her soul and character, her past experience and the experience of her parents.

It is important to emphasize that long before the birth of a child, the mother treats him in a certain way: she loves and wants him to be born, or perceives his future birth as an extra burden and gives birth to a child under the pressure of circumstances (for medical reasons, you cannot have an abortion, "We have been living without children for a long time and sometime you have to give birth, then it will be too late, "etc.). Exactly:

the child has not yet been born, and his psychological "project" already exists in the expectations of the mother, by her attitude towards him, she already assumes that he has certain personality traits, character and abilities. And after birth, consciously or unconsciously, the mother begins to communicate with him in accordance with her original project.

Of course, a child is not a "blank canvas" on which only the mother paints his portrait. In the course of development, he himself also strives to create his own self-portrait. He leaves some paints imposed by his mother, in some shades he changes them, but he refuses some maternal touches. But the fact is that he is approaching a "psychological canvas" on which there is already a portrait of himself painted by his mother.

Transfer and assimilation of the psychological project. So, in the process of daily care for the child and communication with him, the mother "puts on" the "psychological shirt" sewn in advance, even before birth, on her child. This transfer of the project takes place in a direct and indirect form.

The direct form of the transfer of the project is the words in which the mother's assessment of her child and her attitude to what he is doing or has done are expressed. The indirect form is the views of the mother, the intonations of her voice, interjections, touches, her actions and deeds. Quite often, in the process of direct transmission of her expectations, the mother acts consciously, and in the case of an indirect form of projection, unconsciously. But the boundary between active consciousness, volitional striving, spoken words, on the one hand, and spontaneous movement, accidentally sounded intonation, unexpected look or act, on the other, is extremely thin and plastically changing, therefore, the selection of these two ways of designing by the mother of her child is very conditional.

This transfer of the project can be expressed by the mother in positive or negative ways that create the emotional background in which the child lives and develops throughout the many years of his childhood, adolescence and adolescence. The positive way of transmission is expressed as follows: "you are good", "I love you", "you will succeed". Negative way: "you are worse than I would like", "if you are better, I will love you", "if you are the way I want, you will be fine".

In the first case (with a positive way of transferring the project), the child receives from the mother - as a spiritual inheritance - the opportunity to treat himself well, initially and, without any doubt, positively accepting himself ("I respect myself because I am a Human") . In the second case, he rushes about and painfully doubts his own self-worth, as if rejecting his human being ("I am the worst of all", "I have nothing to respect myself for").

Assimilation of positive or negative self-esteem by a child occurs not only at the level of formation of his acceptance or rejection of himself, but also at the level of his dominant emotional mood (activity, energy or depression, apathy), general life philosophy (optimism or pessimism), orientation and attitudes (struggle for oneself or submission to the influence of circumstances). These unspoken "contents" of emotional background states are "recorded" into the unconscious sphere of the child's psyche, as files are recorded in the computer's memory, and act either in the form of a "system block" (background state), or in the form of psychological "files" opened by life (actions performed by a person , sometimes unexpected for him).

Units of transmission and assimilation of the psychological project. Transmission by the mother

a positive or negative attitude towards their child and, accordingly, the formation of their self-attitude - acceptance or rejection of themselves - can be decomposed into certain "units" of their verbal or non-verbal communication.

Thus, one can observe how the child is assigned positive or negative qualities that he does not have or that have not yet manifested in his behavior.

Positive attribution is, in essence, assignment to the child of the nearest "development zone" as a progressive perspective of his inner movement. In this case, the mother communicates with the child as if he had positive, “strong” sides of his personality and character (“Why did you take this toy in kindergarten? I know you are kind and honest. Tomorrow take it to the children, they also want to play ").

Negative attribution is the programming of a regressive lifeline for a child. The mother "sculpts" the negative aspects of her child's personality and character, calling him "bad words" ("Why did you take this toy in kindergarten? You are bad! You are a thief!").

Let's analyze this example. The child took a toy in kindergarten. He took action. For himself, a child is still "no"! He is neither bad nor good! The mother makes him good or bad - through her assessment of his actions. In her own words, she denotes not so much his action as his own: "You are kind and honest" or "You are bad and a thief". The child's action is situational and transient, but the mother's assessment is "recorded" in his internal system in the form of self-assessment and his emotional background state: "I am good" or "I am bad".

Let's think about it: after all, such attribution occurs daily, several times a day and for many years ...

Projection also occurs through the exaltation or humiliation of the child by the mother. Ascension: "You're doing great! You know more than me! You know how to do what I can't! You speak correctly, perhaps I will heed your advice." Humiliation: "Still small, listen to what adults say! But what do you understand! Live with mine, then you will understand!"

The exaltation of the mother of her child gives him self-confidence ("If mom praises, then I'm worth something!"). This quality is accompanied by an internal state of active vitality, the desire for self-affirmation and unfolding of one's vitality.

And, on the contrary, humiliation programs his self-doubt ("If mom scolds, then I'm not worth anything, I'm a nonentity!"). Such a quality as uncertainty goes "in parallel" with the internal state of over-anxiety, reduced vitality, and a tendency to depression.

The transfer of the psychological project by the mother occurs through the creation of a zone of freedom and opportunities or restrictions and prohibitions for her child. Freedom (“Do what you want and see fit”) is the mother's transmission of her trust to the child. And, as you know, you can trust a good, smart and strong person. It is this message that the child "reads" through the channels of the unconscious in communication with his mother.

The consent of the mother with the freedom of the child is also the recognition of his right to his own life. The mother conveys to the child approximately the following content: "I live the way I was able to organize my life. But you can live your own way, the way you can make yourself and your life". Here the mother assumes the psychological equality of herself and her child: "I am a man and I live as I want. And you are a man and you can live as you want."

Assuming the freedom of her child, the mother programs the need for him to rely on himself, on his own independence. It is at this moment that the child arises and develops the ability to be "himself" and build his own life as he wishes. Such a mother's attitude towards her child is extremely useful for him also in terms of the formation of his psycho-physiological system of self-control, self-regulation and reasonable self-discipline.

Restrictions, prohibitions and countless "no" - this is a mother's deep distrust of her child, non-recognition of his right to equality with her. Restrictions and prohibitions hinder or completely block the successful development of the child's self-regulation system, because they force him to constantly and intensely maintain a relationship with his mother ("What is possible and what is not?").

This allows the mother to control and manage her child, because it is she (and only she!) who acts for him as the main forbidding or allowing authority: the child relies on her and believes her, does not rely on herself and does not believe herself. In this case, the mother becomes an externalized, subjectivized "system of regulation" for the child, in which he feels the need now and will need for a long time later. And during periods of drastic changes in society and crises, he will need it all his life.

The transfer of the project also occurs through the rehabilitation or disability of the child. Despite the fact that this unit of mother-child communication concerns, first of all, his physical health, here there is also a psychological "lining" of his self-confidence or self-doubt, the formation of his idea of ​​himself as a person capable or unable to protect himself.

Recovery is often expressed in this way: “You can walk through puddles, just make sure that the water does not reach the edge of your boots,” “You can walk without a hat, but when it gets completely cold, put on a hood.” You can see that gradually, in the second part of her appeal, the mother shows her child that he can protect himself ("... make sure that the water does not flood the edges of the boots", "... put on a hood"). It is important to emphasize that the mother here relies on the activity of the child and programs this activity: "Act, defend yourself!"

Disability is expressed in the fact that the mother evaluates the child himself as in advance not capable of self-defense: “You are so pale, are you sick?”, “You are weak, take a rest, I will do it myself”. Pay attention: "Pale - sick", "Weak - rest". This is the mother's programming of her child's passivity, his inability to defend himself. As we have already said, such programming is often done unconsciously by the mother, she really wants to protect her child, close him with herself, protect him from everything, and from illness too. In this moment is the key to the maternal formula, common in our culture: "A mother wants only good for her child."

Unfortunately, such a mother does not take into account that it is simply impossible to protect her child "always and from everything": the child can only protect himself from the adverse effects of the external environment, through his own activity and through his own actions. Therefore, a reasonable maternal formula should sound something like this: "I will teach you how to defend yourself so that you can protect yourself without me".

Psychological design extends not only to the area of ​​interactions between mother and child, but also to his social status, the position occupied among friends and peers,

in relationships with people. I mean situations in which a mother makes positive or negative comparisons of her child with other children.

In the first case, she positively highlights her child: "You are doing the best", "You are my most beautiful". In the case of a negative comparison, the mother makes a choice in favor of other children: “Everyone is children, like children, only you are so crazy with me”, “Look how smart Lena is! She does everything: she studies better than anyone, well-mannered and neat And I have you - I don’t know what ... "

In the positive and negative comparison of the mother of her child with other children, the projection mechanism is manifested: if the mother is a self-confident person, then, as a rule, she praises her child and positively distinguishes him from other children. If a mother is an insecure person who feels inferior to other people in some way, she will treat her child in the same way, passing on her own insecurity to him.

A psychological project that a mother transmits. You can often hear: "A mother always wants only good things for her child" and "A mother will never advise bad". But the transfer of a negative project is really happening - this is a fact! Let's see what the mother seeks to convey and why she consciously or unconsciously "chooses" negative ways of transmission.

Let's first answer the question: "What?" In our culture, parents want their child: "to be a good, decent person"; "was honest"; "studied well"; "was smart" (usually this means: "remembered the educational material well"); "brought things to a close", etc.

In addition, often a mother wants her child to be able to do what she herself could not do, or to achieve what she herself could not achieve. For example, if a mother had musical abilities, but due to certain life circumstances she was unable to learn music, she seeks to send her child to a music school and expects success from him.

The mother can express her wishes not only regarding the child's activities, but also the level of his claims and desire for success, the desire to have a certain social status, communicate in a certain circle, stand at a certain level of the social hierarchy.

Thus, the mother wants the child to learn the cultural norms of inner life and outer behavior. Of course, positive norms.

Now let's answer the question: "Why?"

Why, despite her desire to make her child good and smart, does the mother still carry out negative projection? There are several reasons for this, let us first dwell on those that determine the mother's conscious choice of negative influences on her child.

First: she was treated the same way by her parents, in particular her mother, and, having no other experience, she believes that with a child "you need to be strict", "keep him under control" and "he needs to be scolded, not praised "("I will praise - the egoist will grow").

Second, if the child is a son, externally and internally similar to his father, with whom the mother divorced, the negative projection can be conscious and quite intense. The woman survived the life drama, is offended, and the son reminds ex-husband. She consciously wants him "not to become what his father was" and puts her efforts to ensure that this does not happen.

Third: the mother is fast and mobile, and her child is slow and inhibited. When interacting with him, she often experiences irritation:

"Well, let's go faster!", "You always dig, because of you I don't have time!" She tries to "remake" the child's temperament, constantly pushing him, because she believes that "in life he will not have time to do anything" .

The unconscious choice of negative projection methods is most often associated with a woman's general dissatisfaction with a difficult life. And this kind of dissatisfaction, being now a fairly common occurrence, is "dumped" on the child ("I feel bad, everything around is bad, and you are bad, unsuccessful").

Quite often, a mother yells at her child and scolds him because of chronic fatigue, nervous exhaustion, or lack of time to explain her demands: "I said, and that's it!", "Do as I said, and don't argue!", "Put your toys away , you always scatter, you can’t do anything yourself! "

If a husband suppresses his wife, she, in turn, can unconsciously suppress her child, involuntarily manifesting her difficult inner state in interaction with him and transferring to communication with the child the style of relations that the husband implements with her.

The attitude of the child to the psychological project of the mother and the ways of its transmission. It should not be thought that the attitude of a mother towards her child should always be positive and gracious. Whether the mother's negative project regarding the formation of a strong, autonomous son and a free, self-confident daughter will "work" or, on the contrary, will make them super-dependent social "cripples", largely depends on the "irradiation dose" and the degree of activity of the mother, as well as on the strength and activity of the child.

In the "force field" of overcriticism and overcontrol, a potentially weak child really becomes "erased", passive and submissive, as if giving his life and himself to his mother. strong child will fight for the opportunity to independently build himself and his life, overcoming the mother's attitudes, and, having matured, leaves her.

A weak child can also leave his mother, asserting his adulthood and desire to "live his own life". But often such a departure is not so much about internal development, but about finding a strong partner and accepting this leadership in place of the mother's leadership.

However, both strong and weak children inside their consciousness, in the hidden "bowels" of their psyche, can reject themselves. But if the weak often put up with this, then the strong either build a rational program of protection at the level of mind and duty ("I must be strong and independent"), or in turn become over-critical and over-controlling parents for their children. Let us note in passing that authoritarian, dominant and rigid leaders are, in the vast majority of cases, the sons and daughters of precisely authoritarian and powerful mothers.

There is another, rarer "option" for the child to overcome the negative maternal project: escape from reality into the symbolic world of creative self-expression. If in real life in interaction with the mother - complete dependence, control and prohibitions, then a talented person consciously or unconsciously seeks an area of ​​\u200b\u200boccupation in which he would feel free and significant. Such an area can be artistic or musical creativity, scientific work, writing and other activities in which you can freely express your individuality and which are not available for controlling actions on the part of the mother.

Contradictions in the psychological design of the mother. Mother's negative projection is a test for

child, which he can still experience constructively, strengthening his individuality or showing himself in creativity. More serious difficulties arise for the child when the mother behaves with him in a contradictory, ambiguous way. Often this is expressed in the fact that in statements addressed to the child, she expresses a positive attitude towards him, and in her actions and deeds - negative.

So, a mother can speak to her child arbitrarily long and eloquently about her maternal love and how good he is, but her eyes will be cold and distant, and her voice will be alienated and devoid of warm, loving intonations. She can inspire him with the idea that "She is a mother and only wants good for him", but in reality she will be guided only by her own goals in her actions, neglecting the goals of the child. As a result, a contradiction arises between the positive content that is spoken by the mother and which the child hears and understands, and the negative general atmosphere of the relationship, as well as the expression of the mother's face and the sound of the voice that the child sees and hears. The child can also feel the contradiction and discrepancy between the spoken and demonstrated content when observing the actions and deeds of the mother. Doing something, she says: "You need this", but in reality he sees and understands that it is not for him, but only for her.

The inconsistency of the mother's psychological projection can be expressed not only in the discrepancy between what is said and what is demonstrated in relation to her child, but also in the instability of these relations. Today, mom is calm and loving, understands everything and forgives everything. And tomorrow mom is nervous, alienated, does not want to understand and forgive anything. Such sharp swings in the mood and attitudes of the mother are always unexpected for the child, he gets scared and, not understanding the reason, often blames himself for this ("I did something wrong and badly, so she stopped loving me").

In this regard, one can speak of a situational and constant contradiction in the psychological projection of the mother. We spoke above about the form of the relationship between mother and child, in which she constantly shows inconsistency and ambiguity. The action of situationally contradictory psychological projection takes place only in some situations that are super-significant and frustrating for the mother. In these cases, she loses her inner balance and becomes contradictory for the child. In other, more "calm" situations, it can manifest itself more clearly. I'll give you a specific example.

X In one family, it was customary for a ten-year-old daughter to walk in the courtyard of the house in the field of view of her mother and that every time she looked out of the window, the mother could see her child. But one day, with the onset of evening, the mother did not see the girl and began to look for her. The search yielded nothing, and the woman became seriously worried.

When it was completely dark, and she already despaired of finding her daughter, a girl appeared in the back of the yard, running towards her mother. She played with her friends and began to get ready to go home when it began to get dark. The girl rushed to her mother, trying to snuggle up to her, because she herself experienced the fear of getting lost. In turn, the mother also extended her hands to her, but instead of affection and love, she suddenly began to loudly scold the girl for deviating from the agreement and leaving the courtyard of the house.

As you can see, in this case, a situational contradiction arose between maternal love, the joy that the girl was found, and the mother's desire to protect herself from unrest. Such a mother really loves her child, but she has problems in maintaining inner balance in

difficult, stressful situations, as well as in adequate expression of their own experiences regarding the safety of their child. As a result, instead of the joy of meeting her mother, the daughter experienced bewilderment and, possibly, emotional shock from the outburst of irritation from the mother.

The attitude of the child to the contradictory psychological projection of the mother. The contradictory and ambiguous attitude of the mother to the child significantly hinders his personal development. So, there may be certain violations in the emergence and development of his inner image of the Self, as well as in the formation of an attitude towards himself. The child, included in conflicting relationships with his mother, subsequently does not find a place for himself between the definitions of himself: "What am I - good or bad? Smart or stupid? Strong or weak?" Inwardly, he seeks to build his positive portrait - good, smart and strong, but, not receiving support and reinforcement from the mother as the most significant person in this period of his life, he doubts his movement and stops, without molding himself into anything concretely effective and concretely self-perceivable.

If we return to the topic of "psychological portrait", which we touched upon at the beginning of the article, then we can say that the child cannot fully accept the image that the mother offers him because of the ambiguity and inconsistency of the means of influence implemented by the mother in relation to him. But he also cannot "draw" his portrait on his own, because he does not know in what psychological "paints" - light and bright or dark and faded - to dip his "brush".

This contradiction in relations with the mother is especially acute for a teenager who enters the period of formation of his personality. If at this age stage, with her conflicting attitude, consciously or unconsciously, the mother blocked the formation of his image of the Self, self-relationship and self-esteem, he may not build his personality and remain "none", without an internal core, as if an unformed piece of plasticine, amenable to any external influence.

During this period, in his relationship with his mother, a teenager rushes between the desire to have close, trusting relationships with her and the fear of being misunderstood and humiliated by her. In the future, in his later life, without having a stable self-image, he will also rush in a vicious circle: striving for emotional closeness in relationships with other significant people and experiencing fear of the possibility of having emotional closeness with them. He will accept and at the same time reject himself, desire and at the same time fear his partner.

Most clearly, this internal contradiction, which can be defined as "aspiration of fear", manifests itself in the son of a young man in relations with girls. Perhaps less clearly and directly, but still taking place, such a contradiction is also visible in a girl who had an ambiguous relationship with her mother during the periods of childhood, adolescence and adolescence. With all the strength of their souls, both of them strive to love and be loved, but they can also actively or unconsciously avoid close and stable relationships, experiencing incomprehensible anxiety and inexplicable fear.

How does an adult, a man or a woman, who grew up in conditions of contradictory maternal influence, behave?

Overdependence. Unable to build their own image I, son or daughter, as you know, can stay with their mother and live with her all their lives. Wherein

consciously or unconsciously, the mother will tie them to herself, experiencing fear of loneliness and old age, especially if she is a woman who raised a child without a husband. Such children may make attempts to build their own life and their own family, but these attempts are often unsuccessful, and they return "under the wing" of their mother.

Tying her son or daughter to herself, the mother is supercritical about their love interests, always finding certain shortcomings in their chosen ones. By influencing her child, the mother gradually "tears" him from his loved one, creating in him the illusion that "he (she) can find better".

As a result, a lonely son stays with his mother, making up with her a kind of married couple. Without physical incest, such a family is a case of psychological incest. We can say that such a mother, not finding a husband among adult men, grows a husband for herself from her son.

Overdependence on the mother can also be shown by a daughter who returned with a child after an unsuccessful marriage to her mother or who did not marry at all. In these cases, the mother gets the opportunity to organize a kind of family in which instead of one child (daughter), she already has two children (daughter and grandson or granddaughter). She begins to patronize and control not only her daughter, but also her child.

When the daughter returns to her parental home after a divorce, the mother begins "life anew". She again feels young and necessary, active and caring. But, unfortunately, this surge of the mother's vitality is "fuelled" by the daughter's vital energy, the mother, as it were, takes away her life, once again becoming a family leader. And it is not always clear why the daughter could not get along with her husband and was forced to divorce: because she was initially dependent on her mother, infantile and not ready for independent family life, or because the dominance and authoritarianism of the mother in conflict with her son-in-law did not allow her daughter to have a prosperous life. family?

Both the grandson and the granddaughter, who grew up in such conditions, may also not have a personal life. It affects the lack of real experience of full-fledged female, male, love and family relations, in which the boy gets the opportunity to "read" the forms of purely masculine behavior, and the girl - feminine. A young man brought up in such a female family still has certain chances to organize his own family, if only because in Russian conditions he has a fairly wide choice due to the numerical predominance of women over men. A girl from such a "three-story" female family, who observed a lonely grandmother and mother, is practically doomed to loneliness. In the people, this phenomenon is defined as "crown of celibacy".

Becoming lonely people, such grown-up children experience increased anxiety in front of the world, acutely feeling their own insecurity and vulnerability. They are tormented by fears, they are suspicious and suspicious, expecting from the people around them any unseemly acts towards themselves. Often such negative expectations are exaggerated and are not related to the real attitude of people towards them. Fears and experiences of danger make them withdrawn, as if "withdrawn into themselves". They strive to find protection from their mother, who, it seems to them, reliably, like a "wall", closes them from the aggressive and unpredictable outside world.

Addiction. If, however, a child, a young man or a girl, who grew up with such a mother, nevertheless built his own family, typical for such

cases of psychological difficulties. Thus, a son often remains dependent on his mother, being physically an adult, and psychologically an immature and infantile child. People usually call such a young man a sissy. If he married a girl who is soft, emotional and weak in character, the older woman (mother-in-law) will retain and even increase her influence over her son. He will be guided by her opinion, ask her advice, give her money, etc.

But most often, such a son chooses as his wife a woman who is strong and transmits a maternal position in love relationships in order to unconsciously end his relationship with his mother. In his family, he manifests himself contradictory and ambivalent: on the one hand, such men express a demand that they accept their male leadership, on the other hand, they really act as dependent on their wife. As a result, a woman is forced to "play along" with her husband: to pretend that he is the main one in the family, but to really make decisions, earn money, take care of family affairs, raise children, i.e. be a family leader.

Unconsciously still experiencing pressure from his mother, such a son can "dump" his irritation on his wife, striving to "finish" himself with her and become an adult and mature. Such a desire is often expressed in unjustified aggression towards his wife, a focus on personal self-affirmation, and even some male tyranny. The aggressiveness of such a dependent husband is often enhanced by the fact that he subconsciously feels guilty towards his mother for having to leave her for another woman - his wife.

There may be another solution to the problem - the husband's conscious acceptance of the leadership of his wife. Often such men call their wife "mother", and she does not have to be older than her husband. But families in which a woman is physically and psychologically older than her husband and in which she leads, and he unquestioningly obeys her, are built according to the type of parent-child relationship in which the husband acts as if the "son" of his wife.

Such families are stable and stable if the wife is an active, energetic woman, formed according to the type " older sister". He seeks to receive care, she seeks to take care. But families break up if next to an immature husband, a child is the same immature wife, a child. People call such daughters mother's daughters. The wife's infantilism is manifested in the fact that she retains her dependence on her mother, who begins to lead in the family of young spouses: make decisions, distribute money, raise grandchildren as their children, and so on.

If a young husband seeks independence, he will fight for his family, conflict with his mother-in-law, and strive to "tear" his wife from her mother. In case of success, the family will survive, in case of failure, the husband leaves, and the daughter with the children remains with her mother.

Who is guilty? Considering the sad personal stories of lonely people, one often wonders: who is to blame - the mother, son or daughter? Professional experience shows that this typically Russian question can be answered as follows: everyone is to blame - both the mother and the children.

the head of the family, in which her partners are a son or daughter, she acquires the illusion that she lives a family life.

Therefore, the mother commits two life mistakes. The first mistake is that she does not know how to overcome the relationship style she has learned, not understanding and not feeling that incomplete family, in which she grew up, is rather not a rule, but a sad exception. A mother who lives, repeating the experience learned in her parental family, usually argues like this: "My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And my son (daughter) will live alone (alone)." For comparison, here is the logic of the reasoning of a mother who seeks to overcome the stereotype of dysfunctional relationships in which she was brought up: "My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And I will be happy if my son (my daughter) has a family".

The second mistake of a mother is that she was unable to "set free" her child, son or daughter, at that age period when they needed it. This is primarily adolescence, when the child goes through the path of personal maturation, as well as the period of youth, when a son or daughter develops their own love attachments.

Thus, during adolescence, a mother must necessarily recognize the autonomy and independence of her child, despite the fact that she may experience difficult and painful experiences. At this time, mothers usually say this: “I completely stopped (a) obeying. She does everything in her own way!” In fact, every teenager wants to be independent and independent, since such a desire is the main life task of his age development. The child will not pass this period successfully - for the rest of his life he can remain dependent and infantile.

When a son or daughter has the first love affections, the mother usually says this: “I gave my whole life to him, and he, ungrateful, only thinks about her!” (“I gave my whole life to her, and she, ungrateful, only thinks about him !") or: "And what did he find in her!?" ("And what did she find in him?!"). During this period, the mother does not take into account the life task of her son and daughter, who begin to go through a happy and at the same time difficult path of mastering the role of a man and a woman, in the future, respectively, of a father and mother.

It is impossible to be one-sided, blaming only the mother, who in her motherhood is looking for a way of salvation from loneliness. Of course, this search for a mother carries the features of inertia, an inability to be creative in life and maternal egoism, but the relationship of the two is always bilateral, both participants make their “contribution” to their content: both the mother and the child. It is quite justified to speak here of the fault of the child.

A son or daughter entering the period of adolescence and youth can be accused of not fighting for themselves, for their growing up and for their independent life. In a sense, they use the mother, her life force and experience, experiencing fear of growing up. After all, to become an adult is to take on obligations, to learn social norms and prohibitions, to accept the duty of love, motherhood or fatherhood. All this is hard daily work, performed not so much at will and in accordance with the principle of pleasure, but out of a sense of duty and in accordance with the principle of objective necessity.

So, a teenager striving for independence and independence must learn to communicate, understand

people, set their own goals and strive to achieve them. In addition, a teenager must understand himself, "draw" his individual psychological portrait, form his inner image of I. Solving these life tasks is difficult, but necessary.

A young man or girl, entering into a love relationship, should gain experience of caring for another person, forgiveness and self-sacrifice. At the birth of a child, they must learn not so much to take as to give - themselves, their strength, energy and life time - to a small creature. Obviously, it is incredibly difficult to do this physically and psychologically, and the always existing temptation to hide from life's problems "under the mother's wing" is very great.

The guilt of a son or daughter who has not become truly adults can be briefly formulated as follows: the rejection of life's work and the choice in the direction of an easier life path, free from obligations, debt and self-sacrifice, building one's life according to the principle "I want, and give".

Despite the fact that outwardly such adult children live simpler and easier, not burdening themselves with worries and expenses, they "pay" for it incredibly dearly - by their rejection of their own future. Indeed, sooner or later, the mother will complete her life and leave her grown-up son (or grown-up daughter), and the latter will have an empty house and a lonely old age.

Alas, sad fate!

1. Aleshina Yu.E. Individual and family psychological counseling. M., 1993.

2. Davydov V.V. The theory of developmental learning. M., 1996.

3. Zakharov A.I. Neurosis in children and psychotherapy. SPb., 1996.

4. Romanin A.E. Fundamentals of psychotherapy. M., 1999.

5. Rudestam K. Group psychotherapy. M., 1990.

6. Samoukina N.V. Paradoxes of love and marriage. M., 1998.

7. Stolin V.V. Self-consciousness of the individual. M., 1983.

8. Fromm E. Human situation. M., 1998.

9. Chernikov A.V. Integrative model of systemic family psychotherapeutic diagnostics. M., 1997.

10. Eidemiller E.G., Yustitsky V.V. Psychology and psychotherapy of the family. SPb., 1998.

11. Bachofen J.J. Gesammelte Werke. bd. 23. Das Mutterrecht. Basel, 1948.

Received 5.X.1999

source unknown

Wanted or Unwanted

In my opinion, the most important factor in the emergence, the beginning of the relationship between mother and child is his desirability. It happens that there is no pregnancy yet, but a woman dreams, dreams of a child, as if anticipating him. And if pregnancy occurs, in this situation everything with communication should be easy, especially in the first months of a baby's life.

True, artifacts are also possible - due to the fact that the baby is too loved and desired from the very beginning, its value for a woman and for a couple is enormous, too strong, anxious attachment arises. And anxiety weakens the connection.

With a child who initially not wanted connection is more difficult to establish. Here, maternal guilt can also interfere (“I didn’t want you, I’m guilty before you”), and other family circumstances complicating the situation. For example, rejection of marriage or a child by relatives.

But in general, the relationship between mother and baby is a paradoxical phenomenon. The circumstances of life can be very difficult, and the bond and love for a child is incredibly strong. Such stories are known to us from grandmothers about the military and hard time. There are such stories now, and many will have something to tell - not about themselves, but about acquaintances or relatives.

Bonding with the baby during pregnancy

9 months pregnant- a great time to tune in to the baby and try to establish a connection with him. In the first trimester, this is not easy for everyone, because the woman's well-being can be very mediocre. Psychologists consider it important that a woman accepts the fact of pregnancy and begins to enjoy her until 12-16 weeks. Then this will not prevent the child from developing, and connections to be established.

For the second trimester of pregnancy, an indicator of a normal connection is that a woman begins to treat her condition as good, comfortable. The first tremors of the baby are felt at 17-20 weeks, and from the moment future mom began to distinguish them well, a qualitatively new level of communication is possible - contact at the bodily level.

There is a favorite game that almost every pregnant woman opens like a wheel: if you put your hand on your stomach, the baby will kick there with his foot. For mom, this is an extraordinary joy and the first understanding that there is a separate living person inside you.

Recommendations:
- read more literature about the development of pregnancy, in order to have a good idea of ​​what and when the baby develops.
- attend special classes for pregnant women together with the father of the child, receiving information on how to conduct childbirth and the first weeks of the child's life as gently as possible. Parental literacy will help to avoid mistakes.
- don't create the perfect scenario childbirth and perfect image unborn child - this can greatly interfere with the acceptance of what will happen in reality.

First days and weeks of life - bonding

An excellent opportunity to establish a reliable connection with a newborn is as early as possible contact with him. Ideally, if these are the first minutes and hours of life. But if for some reason this is impossible, then there are as many as 6 weeks to establish the so-called bonding (from the English verb to bond - to bind, connect) - the time when both the baby and mother are as sensitive to each other as possible, tuned to signals from each other .

And if pregnancy was experienced as a unity, then after childbirth it is worth trying to come to reunion on a new level.

"Golden Keys" for establishing bonding:

• Set up for early contact
• Breastfeeding on demand in the first weeks of life
• Skin to skin contact
• Calm environment and the opportunity to look at the baby, tune in to him

Could something interfere with establishing this connection?

First of all, the discrepancy between the expectations of the mother and the sex or appearance of the child, or a very stressful situation in the first days and weeks after the birth of the baby, is the main factor in the difficulty of feeling the baby by the mother. It is necessary to try in the first days and weeks after childbirth to create the most comfortable, calm, cozy and protected environment for the woman in labor and the newborn.

During pregnancy, especially the first one, a woman often does not even imagine how important such an environment - psychological, domestic, relational - will be when the baby is born. You need to try to have time to “make a nest for yourself” in order to calmly spend the first weeks and months of the baby’s life in it.

If the environment is favorable, the connection arises more easily.

If the first months were not easy

It also happens that the end of pregnancy and the first weeks of a child's life are accompanied by great anxiety for the mother and all those around her. And here. Not to a calm environment and not to special techniques to establish a connection with the baby. And a woman may not realize how important the mindset for early contact is, and read or find out about it a few months later.

Are opportunities to establish a reliable connection lost? Of course, he will marry, because the entire first year is the time when the child is tuned in to the connection with the mother and is open to her. And the adaptive capacity of babies is enormous. And it happens that even after a month or more spent apart due to health problems, the baby and mother become attached to each other literally counted days, and this connection is very strong.

It is only important to remember about the "golden keys".

• Stop beating yourself up for wasted time and lost opportunities. Everything can be fixed and made up for if you do not exhaust yourself with guilt.
• Try to get professional help breast-feeding. But if it doesn't work out, remember - it's not a disaster. But maternal depression, which arose from a sense of inadequacy, can do a lot of harm.
• Hold the baby in your arms as much as possible, bathe him, go for a walk with a sling.
• Learn to enjoy physical contact with your baby.
• Include the child's father in daily care. Try to make simple events like a bath or a massage a small family holiday.
• Find specialists (pediatrician, psychologist, massage therapist) who will support you in the first year of life.
• Do not rush around for different doctors, choose them in advance and carefully, and remember: "horses do not change at the crossing."
• Find new acquaintances of parents who are also close to the position of close connection with the baby.

What kind of phenomenon is the connection between mother and child?

• Communication is when you feel the baby without words, and you can formulate his desires or unwillingnesses even when he himself does not yet know how to express them in words.
• Communication is when at a distance (for example, in a store) do you feel the baby is awake because the milk has arrived.
• Communication with a child is when, by the tone of his voice or behavior you understand that something happened- good and bad.

Here communication is ahead of knowledge. In the connection between mother and child, intuition and your trust in it play a huge role.

Breastfeeding through tears

Often, especially with the first child, breastfeeding, which is considered natural, and so an important factor bonding between mother and baby is not easy. I want to eat, but I can't.

In our world, there is so little of everything natural that we have to learn things that used to happen by themselves: both childbirth, and breastfeeding, and the first year with the first child are now just such things.

Family traditions are interrupted and new professions emerge: doula, lactation consultant, perinatal psychologist, child psychologist. And the young mother learns to properly feed, swaddle, bathe, console sometimes literally through tears.

But it is very good that there is something and from whom to learn. Therefore, if breastfeeding did not work out and the baby had to be transferred to a bottle, then this can be perceived as a defeat all his life later. And the connection between mother and baby will suffer not from the fact that he is artificial, but from guilt.

Communication is a two-way phenomenon

The quality of communication is difficult to assess from the outside. Communication is different. And sometimes it seems that this mother-child pair has no connection at all. She holds him in her arms a little or kisses him a little, or doesn’t say good things about him ... But then something happens and it becomes clear that everything is good with this mother with a connection, it just manifests itself differently from you, in a different way.

By outward signs, expression and caress, it is difficult to conclude that there is a connection. For example, is there a connection between a mother and a baby who grows up in the arms of round-the-clock nannies? Mom only comes to bathe him, rejoices violently, kisses him, says a lot kind words, and then again does not see the child for a day. Are all these violent emotional manifestations a connection or an imitation of love? It is not for us to judge, because only these two know about the relationship of two, whether they are spouses or a mother-child couple.

But you have to be honest with yourself. And if your family circumstances, personal qualities, or characteristics of the child make it difficult to form a connection, do not leave it like that, take action!

What can you do to get connected?

• Spend as much time with your baby as possible. Full-time work is not suitable for a mother of a small child.
• Do not entrust the baby for more than half a day to assistants
• Try to breastfeed your baby for at least a year and no more than two years
• You should not be afraid to be alone with your child, and you can easily cope with regime moments.
• Do not leave the baby when he is sick
• Long trips without a child will not harm him only when he becomes older than 4 years, and before that it is better to take the baby with you
• Find time to play with your child at least 15-20 minutes a day

"Spiritual umbilical cord" connecting mother and baby

They say “a mother’s heart is a prophet”, “a mother’s prayer will get it from the bottom of the sea”, “a mother’s blessing does not sink in fire and does not burn in water”, “there is no better friend than a mother”. All these proverbs about the connection between mother and baby, which has no analogues. And if a mother can have several children, then a child has only one mother.

But only often do children understand the uniqueness of this connection and begin to appreciate it not immediately, but somewhere closer to English adulthood. And that's okay. While the baby is growing along the umbilical cord, the currents flow from the mother's side. No wonder they say "when the sun is warm, and when the mother is good."

The truth and return from the baby begins from the first weeks of life, from the first smile, from the first "mommy, I love you."

The baby is growing - how is the connection changing?

Until the child is one year old, the most important level of connection for him is the body. As psychologists say, achieving the first 6 months is unconditional emotional communication with the mother, the main result of the first year of a child's life is basic trust in the world, the emergence of which is possible only if there is a basic acceptance of the baby by mom and dad.

After a year and a half, a new stage in the development of the relationship between mother and baby begins. The child becomes a personality, masters speech, acquires his own opinion. Then everything will not be so smooth and calm, the relationship will go through difficult times - a crisis of 3 years, a crisis of 7 years, a teenage crisis.

But the level of the basic, which arose in the first year of life, will help you in living through these difficult stages of development.

"Out of range"

It is very important not to be completely distracted from the child, having gone into work, into building new relationships, into the birth of another child. It is important not to be “out of reach”, not to become emotionally unavailable.

Of course, short stressful moments, when you simply don’t have the strength to pay full attention to the baby, happen in the life of every adult. But try to get in touch with the child as soon as you cope with the problem at least a little, and you will see how much warmth and support can be received from such a small creature.

• Try to read as many different books as possible on raising and caring for a child, starting with pregnancy. Let the residents be their authors different countries, representatives of different times. Try to highlight from the books what you like; whatever suits your family's lifestyle. Your point of view should be panoramic.
• ABOUT discuss what you read with the child's father. You should not close all decisions related to his life, upbringing, development on yourself. After all, then the father will not be able to be an active participant from the first weeks of life, which is very important for the child, nor to support you - and this is extremely important for relationships.

Mother's programming of the child

When the bond between mother and child is established, it is very strong. And the maternal possibilities of influencing the baby - conscious and unconscious - are very great. There is a Russian proverb “whatever you call out, it will respond”. It well illustrates the possibilities of mother's programming of the child - for life success or defeat, for strength or weakness.

Mom, holding the child in her arms, peering into his features, cannot help but think and imagine what he will be like, what awaits him. And it is very important that your thoughts are not too disturbing, so that a negative program is not created that can prevent the child from finding himself in life and fulfilling his potential.

The connection between mother and baby is the strongest tool. And it is important how it will be used - for good or out of selfishness.

After all, everyone knows cases when people under forty do not marry, guarding their mother; or situations when quite prosperous families collapsed due to the efforts of one of the mothers ... It is necessary that your connection with the child, established from the first days of his life, does not prevent him from becoming an independent person.

To be a parent is to give a child life, put him on his feet and let go ...

Of course, this will not be at all soon, in 18-20 years, and the connection will not be interrupted even then. It's important that your bond doesn't become a noose as your baby gets older. Everything has its time.