Human beings are in need of love from birth. Psychologists believe that this is our basic need. The lack of love or its absence can negatively affect the mental and emotional development of the child. But, even in adulthood, we do not lose this basic need, and for this reason we build relationships with people of the opposite sex. When we love, it is only natural that we expect reciprocity. But, not everyone gets it, and this often leads to mental suffering. Is it worth continuing a relationship in which love is not mutual, and what should one do in this case? Let's consider.

What is love for you?

In modern society, unfortunately, there has been a substitution of concepts and many young and even mature people confuse love with falling in love, although these are different concepts. Falling in love is a strong feeling, which is caused by biochemical reactions occurring in the body. Love can flare up and fade away throughout life many times. But, it is not love. The maximum duration of a biochemical reaction is 2-3 years, and if you base relationships only on this fragile feeling, it is not surprising that they collapse. Falling in love is short-lived, and only true love can become a solid foundation for a long-term relationship.

Therefore, if you find yourself in a situation where you are not reciprocated, you must, first of all, answer yourself the question: what is love for you? When you understand this, it will be easier for you to look to the future and you will know what to do. It is possible to fall in love with a person who does not reciprocate. Being in love is based on sympathy, and love is something more complex.

What is love?

In fact, everything is very simple. Love is not so much a feeling as decision. True love has several qualities that describe it.

1. Love is unconditional, unlike infatuation. Falling in love is feelings that have arisen because of sympathy, a good relationship, passion, mutual attraction and emotional comfort. Love arises regardless of any conditions. Just at some point, a person consciously makes a decision to love, care, be near, support, regardless of who the object of love is.
2. Love is selfless. And this quality also distinguishes her from falling in love. If falling in love requires a constant return from a partner, then love is the opposite - it concentrates on giving. It is this quality that allows people to live and love without reciprocity, and at the same time not feel unhappy.
3. Love is sacrificial, and in this it is similar to falling in love. Being in love sacrifices something in order to be close to the object to which it is directed. Love sacrifices something in order to make the object to which it is directed happy.

What to do if love is not mutual?

If it is love and not infatuation, you will not suffer from the fact that you do not receive reciprocity. The mechanism of love is quite simple - it is aimed at giving. But, if love turns out to be non-reciprocal, a person will be doomed to emotional suffering.

Non-reciprocal love is not really a reason to end a relationship. It is important to understand that love gives more than it takes, and it is able to make up for the lack of what it receives. So if you love but don't get the same in return, it's not a hopeless situation. As you know, we can only give what we have received. And if a person does not love, perhaps he himself was once deprived of love, real, selfless and unconditional. Such a person needs to receive healing, be filled with love, and only after that he will be able to bear it and give it away.

If you love your partner but they don't love you back, things can change. Just love, give love without expecting anything in return, and wait. The universe is arranged in such a way - it returns to a person everything that he gives, but only in large sizes. Just as a thousand sunflower seeds can grow from one sunflower seed, so the seed of love sown by you will bear fruit and return to you! Don't forget about it, be patient and enjoy the love!

Mutual love is an integral part of adult life. It so happened that people strive to find someone with whom they want to share their experiences, joy, spend time and cope with difficulties.

What is mutual love

All people show their love in different ways. It depends on upbringing, temperament, the model of relationships between parents, experience of communicating with the opposite sex, and many other reasons.

Regardless of this, there are common features that are inherent in all people, but they can also manifest themselves in different ways depending on the same reasons.

First of all, it is caring for a loved one, caring for his health, striving to make him happier. But the most important thing is mutual love, when people show their feelings equally on each side.

Mutual feelings exclude such situations when one person loves, and the second accepts this love. Love must be mutual, otherwise it is a disease.

Relationships are not fair and reasonable if only one person in a couple seeks to take care of the other.

In a relationship, both people must satisfy their needs for care, support, affection and love. If one person lacks this and suffers, the other cannot be happy.

Does she exist

Is there mutual love? modern world when everyone strives to simplify their lives. Undoubtedly, it happens. But, once having arisen, it will not remain by itself.

People are so arranged that they cannot experience euphoric feelings for a long time, whatever it is. Everything becomes boring, annoying, and in any relationship sooner or later a crisis occurs.

Any relationship needs to be worked on. For mutual love to arise, both people in a pair must be ready for it.

Both of them should be individuals with their own interests and views. They should be interesting both to the partner and to oneself.

Mutual love implies the gradual recognition of another person, his acceptance and understanding as he is, with all the advantages and disadvantages. In a healthy relationship, both people are full participants.

How to understand what it is

How to know if your feelings are mutual. It's easier and smarter, just in your feelings and ask directly if he is experiencing the same thing and if there is any hope that you can be together.

There is no need to hint that a person is not indifferent to you, since he can take them for your usual manner of communicating with any person. In healthy, strong relationships, people are always open about their emotions rather than hoping to be understood without words.

Trying to find in the behavior of another person that you are not indifferent to him is stupid and useless. If a person shows increased attention to you, calls you on dates and gives gifts, this does not mean a manifestation of love.

It may precede love, but it doesn't have to. Maybe a person really wants to know you in order to understand whether you are suitable for him or not, or maybe he has some personal interests and benefits that have nothing to do with love.

Why is there no mutual love

There can be many reasons why mutual love does not occur. Let's talk a little about each of them:

1. unreadiness for love. Yes, it often happens that a person may not be ready for true love. Maybe he's too selfish. Maybe he attaches too much importance and meaning to love, and therefore does not engage in personal development. You need to analyze your own reason. Meeting a loved one may be one of the goals of life, but it cannot be the most important of them. Any sane person will be deterred by the fact that he is the only meaning of life for another. In reasonable terms, sacrifices are not welcome.
2. There is no suitable person in the environment. Perhaps you have your own interests and hobbies, and your life is bright and interesting for you, but there is still no love. Don't think too much about it. It is better to devote this time to making new acquaintances, getting to know other people, perhaps among them there will be someone who can suit you.
3. Lack of self love. When a person does not respect and love himself, other people feel it in his manner of communication and manifestation of himself. A person with low self-esteem is difficult to love, because relationships in this case turn into a constant proof to a person that he is good and there is something to love him for. Believe me, living with such a person is painful and not everyone can stand it. Reasonable egoism must be present in every person, then he will know what he wants and what he expects from a relationship.
4. Fear of failure. If you have already had a negative experience in the past, you can subconsciously do everything in order not to start a new relationship. Although you may be convinced that you really want love. And this may even be true. Analyze your feelings and behavior, whether you are spoiling your own life. A future partner should not suffer from the fact that you once suffered a failure in a relationship.

How to achieve mutual love

It is not worth seeking mutual love. It is necessary to ask the person who cares about you, what he feels for you and whether there are any chances that you can be together.

If the person finds it difficult to answer this question or feels the slightest sympathy for you, you can offer to chat and get to know each other better.

Do not resort to deception, because sooner or later it will be revealed. If the person you are interested in likes horror movies, and you are terribly afraid of them, you should not say that you are also crazy about them, and then cover your eyes for the whole movie.

Someday you will get tired of pretending, and you will confess, but you will not look in the best way. Self-sufficient people respect the interests of others. And in a relationship, you should always strive to ensure that everything suits everyone.

We love each other, but not together

If you can't overcome that barrier that you can't be together, it's hardly true love. In reasonable relationships, people tend to solve problems and be around.

If this does not work, then there are reasons that your love cannot overcome. And there is only one way out of this situation - separation.

Unless, of course, you are one of those people who likes to be in the eternal search for a solution without resorting to it.

In this case, only an appeal to a psychologist and serious work on oneself can help. The responsibility for personal happiness always lies with the individual. No one can make the decision and make you happy instead of you.

What to do if your love is not mutual

If love is not mutual, you should not impose on a person, because he also feels embarrassed because he cannot reciprocate you. First of all, you need to respect the person and his decision.

And understand what it means, this is not your person. Falling out of love with a person is difficult, but possible. The main thing is the understanding and desire to become a happy person and have healthy and mutual relationships.

How to forget a person? Do not look for meetings with him, do not review photos, throw out emotions in the form of a letter, you can allow yourself to cry, and then distract yourself.

Take care of yourself, maybe find some new hobby. In general, to become interesting to yourself and again feel the taste for life.

Mutual love can arise spontaneously between two people, but to maintain it, efforts are needed from both sides.

The desire to go towards each other, to make yourself and each other happier, to maintain interest in each other and joint decision problems - a guarantee of a long, harmonious and healthy relationship.

Video: psychology. Unrequited love

Everyone knows that love is something beautiful, so it's very nice when you have someone to share this feeling with. Well, if the lovers are happy together, but there is also unrequited love, what to do in this case?

Under unrequited "love" can be understood different situations:

• When a person has feelings for someone, but in return does not receive the slightest hint of reciprocity, when the other makes it clear that he does not experience reciprocal feelings.
• When someone who is in love receives “double messages” from another (he either reaches out and says that he loves, then rejects, then leaves, then returns), it is difficult to understand from the contradictions in his behavior how he really relates to a person in love with him .
• When the other does not even know that they are in love with him (i.e. when it is not known whether there is reciprocity).

If you are experiencing an unrequited feeling, then it is important to determine what type of situation in your case.

What is unrequited love like?

Each story of non-reciprocal "love" is unique. But there are several frequently repeated scenarios of unrequited love:

1. When a person is not free - when the "object" of love already has a relationship or serious feelings for someone else. For example, when a girl is in love and periodically meets with a married man. Or when a guy is in love with a girl who is "crazy" for his friend, etc.
2. When the one who is unrequitedly in love is not free - that is, when a person has a relationship, but he is in love not with his partner, but with some other person.
3. Love at a distance - when the one with whom a person is in love does not even know that they are in love with him, when a person watches the object of his love from afar, without entering into any relationship with him.
4. Non-reciprocity in relationships - when a person experiences unrequited feelings for his partner or husband, that is, for the person with whom he is in a relationship.
5. When the other person is not ready for a closer relationship - when the object of love maintains a relationship with a person in love with him, but does not want to shorten the distance. For example, he is in love with her, but for her he is just a friend. Or he wants only sexual relations with her, and she wants a family with him. Or a man is a free-spirited womanizer and wants to meet several women, and she is in love with him and hopes that he will stay only with her, etc.

Source of unrequited "love"

Unrequited "love" in our lives does not arise by chance. There are certain reasons that lead us to the unconscious choice of non-reciprocity. What could be the reasons:

1) - which way we build our love relationships depends on what we saw in our childhood. If our parents did not have reciprocity in a relationship, or our mom or dad did not give us the feeling that they love us, then there is a big risk that we will form an unconscious scenario of non-reciprocity in love. And then in the future we can again and again live a situation where we love, but we are not.

2) - when a person has experienced a lot of pain in relationships with significant people, he begins to be afraid to let other people close to him. And then, subsequently, unrequited love serves for such a person as a kind of protection from real, close relationships.

Due to the fact that the other does not reciprocate, he has the opportunity to keep him close to him. And also not to start other relationships that could become close. After all, while he is in love and hopes for reciprocity, he is not up to building new relationships.

3) Lack of a sense of self-worth - when a person did not develop a feeling in childhood that he is “good”, that everything is in order with him, that he is worthy of love, that he is valuable in itself, and not for some of his achievements , then in the future he does not believe those who appreciate and love him just like that. But it treats well those who do not reciprocate and encourage them to deserve their love. He considers such people deep inside himself to be safe, because they broadcast to him what he himself believes in - that he is not worthy of love.

4) Psychological trauma in early childhood- that is, various painful situations that prevent the child from going through important stages of growing up - the formation of attachment and the subsequent separation from parents.

If at these stages of development something went wrong, then the child does not go through these stages. He develops codependence or counterdependence, which remains with him for life. That is, subsequently he either becomes too attached to people, thus trying to relive the stage of attachment with his mother. Or, on the contrary, he too defends his independence and independence, trying to re-live the separation.

People with codependency and counterdependence, instead of building adult mutual relationships, try to finish what was not completed in childhood. They can build relationships according to the scenario "one runs away from the relationship, and the other catches up with him." And just this "catching up", who craves affection, can perceive his situation as unrequited love.

5) The habit of loneliness - in a relationship where there is no reciprocity, there is always a feeling of total loneliness. And when a person from childhood is used to feeling lonely for some reason (parents worked hard, often left one, etc.), then he subsequently strives to experience again and again what he is used to. And then, in order to feel the loneliness familiar to him, he can choose for himself such relationships where there is no other person in fact.

6) Unrealistic ideas about relationships - when a person expects something special, magical, not like everyone else from a relationship. He wants to see next to him not a mere mortal with his own shortcomings and virtues, but an ideal partner. And then falling in love with someone unattainable and fantasizing that he has some special, outstanding qualities is an opportunity for such a person not to face reality.

What you need to know about unrequited "love"?

• Unrequited love in a person's life, as a rule, is a recurring thing. That is, if you once fell in love unrequitedly, then there are about 80% that this will happen again. This proves that unrequited love is not an accident.
• There are some myths and beliefs that support unrequited love. For example, such: “Love must be earned”, “My love is enough for the two of us”, “Love happens only once in a lifetime”, “I am not worthy of love”, “Everyone must find their soul mate”, “ Real love happens at first sight. If you have such attitudes, then they can lead you to unrequited love or feed you this feeling.
• Often people who are not in love endow this feeling with some kind of magic, consider it to be something special. But it is important to understand that this is not magic, not magic. There is nothing special about unrequited love.

• The most common age for unrequited love is 14-25 years old. At a young age, people often experience a non-reciprocal feeling. But for many, unrequited "love" becomes familiar, i.e. no longer an isolated incident, but a recurring scenario. And then, regardless of his age, a person unconsciously chooses for himself just this type of “love”.

Who do you really love when you "love" unrequitedly?

For the development of love, it is necessary that the other person is next to us, so that we learn and get acquainted with what kind of person he really is, what he is in reality. And love at such a distance at which people are, if there is no reciprocity, is impossible. Only falling in love with the image of another person is possible, which we feed ourselves with our fantasies.

Therefore, when you "love" unrequitedly, you love not the person himself, but your idealized picture of him.

Also if internal cause your unrequited love is that you did not feel loved or loved by your parent, then in those people with whom you are in love, in the depths of your soul you see not themselves, but your parents. That is, you unconsciously transfer the image of your parent to these people.

And trying to get them to respond, you really want your parents to love you. And the person you are in love with is interesting to you only because he does not reciprocate. Thus, giving you the opportunity to play with him the scenario of rejection that is familiar to you.

What good does unrequited love do for you?

Every problem we have, we need it for something. With its help, we get some advantages and benefits for ourselves. This is where our problems lie.

What good and valuable things can give us unrequited love:

1. With the help of unrequited love, one can avoid relationships and the discomfort and risk that they have (the need to consult with someone, seek compromise, frightening rapprochement, etc.).
2. One can live in fantasy without having to face the unpleasant side of reality, the shortcomings of the person one is in love with.
3. Unrequited love gives strong emotions, vivid experiences. This mental suffering gives a person the opportunity to feel alive and live emotionally rich. Mutual relationships are calmer and do not give such strong emotions as non-reciprocal ones.
4. Unrequited love resolves the inner conflict between the fear of being alone and the fear of relationships. On the one hand, a person creates for himself the feeling that he is not alone, since he has a love. But with the other he has no relationship, because the other does not reciprocate.
5. With the help of unrequited love, a person “suffers” and receives support and attention from his environment.
6. A person, hoping for reciprocity, lives in anticipation of it. He has a joyful feeling, similar to anticipation before a holiday. There is purpose and meaning in life.

Is it possible to "share" non-reciprocal love? What to do if you are unrequited in love?

1) If you have identified the first type of situation in yourself, that the other person has made it clear to you that he does not have reciprocal feelings for you, then in this case it is no longer possible to “share” unrequited “love”.

Often there are situations when a person who is in love unrequitedly believes that if he tries, he will be able to earn love. Thus, he is protected from the painful reality that the other person does not love him, and nothing can be done about it. It is easier for him to think that the problem is in himself, that as soon as he starts doing something differently, the object of his love will reciprocate.

Such an illusion is dangerous because it does not allow an unrequited lover to experience the fact that he was rejected, to grieve it and move on. Because of her, he cannot let go of the one with whom he is unrequitedly in love until he has tried everything to achieve him.

It is important to understand that if another person really denied you reciprocal feelings, then all attempts to manipulate him to “make” him love you is already violence against him. No matter how painful it is, in this case it is better to acknowledge the fact that this particular person does not want to be with you. And experience the pain that follows.

2) If you have identified a situation of unrequited love in yourself, when the other person gives you “double messages” and it is difficult for you to understand whether your partner has reciprocal feelings for you, then you have two ways:

• Have a frank conversation with the person you're in love with. Talk about your feelings and ask what he wants from you, what kind of relationship he is ready to offer you. And based on the results of the conversation with him, determine what you should do next.
• If your conversation does not clarify anything for you, then decide for yourself how much longer you are willing to wait for reciprocity from this person. Maybe another month, three months or six months? Set a specific date when you stop waiting. Be sure to write down this date for yourself so that it periodically catches your eye. And if after the onset of this date, the situation does not change, then do everything possible to end this relationship and free yourself from your hope for the reciprocity of this person.

3) If you have the third type of situation, when the other person does not even suspect that you are in love with him, then you have a chance that your feelings are mutual. Then you can try to take the initiative in communicating with him, interest him in something, or even confess your feelings if you feel like it.

But here it is important to understand that if the one to whom you have feelings is in love with someone else or he has a marriage, a love relationship, then think many times, do you need it ?! After all, even if a person responds to your feelings, he can invite you into his “love triangle” without ending the relationship with you or with his partner or partner.

The same applies if you are in a relationship and you are not in love with your partner.

What to do if unrequited love is often repeated in your life?

1. Try to find something in common between those with whom you were in love unrequitedly, some common feature, characteristic, habit of behavior. This is the hook on which you "hooked" and, most likely, will "hook" when choosing partners.
2. Think about what good is for you that you fall in love unrequitedly, what value you get for yourself in this way.
3. If you want to learn how to build mutual relationships, then seek the help of a psychologist - or another specialist. A psychologist will help you gain new experiences, thanks to which you can “get out” of the repeated stories of non-reciprocal “love”.

Non-reciprocal love is a drama that happens at least once in the life of most people. Someone experienced such love for an inaccessible object (for example, a married man), and someone was in a relationship with a person who only allowed himself to be loved, but did not love himself. Many have happened to be objects of non-reciprocal love - and this is only slightly easier than loving yourself and not meeting reciprocal feelings.

How to understand that your love is not mutual

If the one you are in love with simply refused to date you, everything is clear: he simply does not reciprocate your feelings. But it also happens that a relationship has begun between people, and one of them is tormented by doubts about the feelings of a partner. The following signs in most cases, they say that you love, and the partner only allows you to love yourself:

What to say when feelings are not mutual

It happens that you confess your love to someone to whom you are completely indifferent. Most people in such cases are embarrassed and want to refuse as gently as possible, without offending the person, but without giving false hopes. What to say if someone shows you feelings that you cannot reciprocate?

• Don't answer anything. This option is suitable if you received an email or text message with an invitation to a date or a romantic confession. Silence is a rather harsh, but very intelligible answer, which will make it clear that there are no reciprocal feelings on your part.
• Tell the truth. In most cases this is The best way respond to a person who is unrequitedly in love with you. No need to be rude or humiliate a person; just tell him that you don't have romantic feelings for him and don't want to date him. He will be hurt, but this pain can lead to a fairly quick disposal of non-reciprocal feelings.
• "Let's just be friends". Only say this if you really want to maintain a friendly relationship with the person. However, be prepared for the fact that your friend will from time to time show not quite friendly sympathy for you and remind you of his feelings. However, it is possible that you yourself will fall in love when you get to know the person better.
• Explain the reasons. Some people don't understand when people just say "no". They need to know exactly why you don't want to go out on a date or keep in touch after a few dates. Again, there is no need to be rude to such a person; As a rule, it is enough to be as honest as possible about what exactly you do not like about it.
• Lies to the rescue. Unfortunately, sometimes it is better or easier to lie than to tell the truth. For example, you can say that you already have a loved one or you are very busy with work and study, so there is absolutely no time for a relationship.
• "The problem is not with you, but with me." Of course, this is a very common form of rejection, but it really works. Usually this phrase does not raise any questions, but especially stubborn people may, in spite of everything, offer to “try” to meet and deal with your internal problems along the way.
• Be polite. Regardless of which answer you choose, you need to speak as politely as possible. Rejection is painful anyway, but you should try to soften the blow. At the same time, remember: when love is not mutual, even the harshest rejection is better than false hopes.

How to get rid of unrequited love

• Write down the reasons why you can't be together. Be honest, you shouldn't show this post to anyone. Write honestly and clearly, for example, that a loved one refused you (you can also write about the form in which he did it), that he is married or you are not his type of woman. Re-read the list of reasons for when you feel especially bad. It can be painful, but this way you will get rid of illusions: you will clearly understand why the relationship between you is impossible, and stop harboring unreasonable hopes.
• Draw your own conclusions. Non-reciprocal love is also an experience, albeit a negative one. Consider what lessons you can learn from this experience.
• Limit communication with your loved one, if possible - exclude him completely. If you work together or live next door, this can be tricky, but still try not to interact and meet with him unnecessarily. Don't check his social media pages, don't ask mutual friends how he's doing, and delete his phone number from your address book.
• Allow yourself to be sad. Trying to artificially cheer up only aggravates the depression, so allow yourself to be sad and cry for a while. After a week or two, your mood will start to improve on its own, and you will begin to enjoy life again.
• Do not chase thoughts about him. These thoughts will appear from time to time, but do not try to drive them away - it will only get worse. Let them be present in your mind, but keep going about your business, focus on them, and one day unnecessary thoughts will stop bothering you.
• Don't sit at home. Chat with different people, do something new, visit unfamiliar places; fresh impressions in large quantities - one of the the best means against the pain that unrequited love causes.

We are all used to the fact that unrequited love is, first of all, a blow to our pride. But what if you look at it from the other side? Try to answer the question for yourself: “What good can non-reciprocal love give?” And you will be surprised at the answer. After all, in fact, not mutual love is one of the most powerful incentives to become better personally and professionally.

Grade

They say that behind every successful man is the love of a woman. Behind every successful career of a woman is a betrayal of a man. Therefore, nothing stimulates a woman to active personal growth like unrequited love. Have you noticed that it is thanks to unrequited love that we have received a huge number of brilliant books, love novels, films and songs.

Recall the recent example of the singer Adele. She became not only famous, but also incredibly rich, thanks to the fact that she turned her defeat on the love front into a victory. When her boyfriend left her, instead of starting to feel sorry for herself, she transformed her pain and bitterness into creativity. And all why? Because she took matters into her own hands. And when a woman does this, there is a desire to prove to a man what a beautiful woman he has lost.

It is interesting in this aspect to understand the reason why some women often fall in love with men unrequitedly. This is due to the negative attitudes that many of us have. The logical question is: “What negative attitudes provoke non-reciprocal love?”

There are many of them. For example: “I’m not good enough for love”, “Why love me?” A woman who has such a negative attitude provokes non-reciprocal love. This attitude “There is nothing to love me for”, “I am ordinary and not attractive in any way” suggests that a woman does not love herself. Therefore, men will reflect her attitude towards themselves, like a mirror. After all, if a woman does not love herself, how can she expect this from a stranger? So with her dislike for herself, she forms the fact that a man cannot truly fall in love with her.

READ ALSO: What's stopping you from being happy?

In addition to this setting, there is another one that interferes with most women. This is the "All good men already taken apart." Such women will automatically fall for married men. And, not because they are better, but because they gave themselves such an attitude. At the same time, good, unmarried men simply will not be noticed. There are also other attitudes, such as "All men are goats", "They only need one thing from women" and so on. Thus, as you can see, the reason for non-reciprocal love lies in a negative attitude, or several negative attitudes.

What to do with it? To get rid of non-reciprocal love, you need to find out what negative attitudes are hindering you. To do this, remember that you most often talk about men, for example, in communication with girlfriends.

What is your relationship with men?

Do you believe that there are worthy, single men?

Do you consider yourself worthy of a real man?

When you decide on the negative attitudes that interfere with you, you can get rid of them with the help of positive affirmations.

After that, you will notice how your life will change. And right now, find the good in your unrequited love. Think about what good not mutual love can give you personally. What can you do to get better? For example, go in for sports (start running in the morning, play tennis, get involved in martial arts, fitness), study foreign language, change the image? The choice is yours.

Quote

Love inevitably enriches the one who loves. And if so, there can be no such thing as “unrequited, unhappy love. Viktor Frankl

Joke

I actually love cherry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate me, but they don’t behave like a schmuck either.