Psychologist communicating with a teenager. Recommendations for parents: “How to communicate with a teenager

Parents of the younger generation are wondering how to communicate with a teenager.

Problems arise in many families because adolescence is considered one of the most difficult.

How to get rid of computer addiction for a teenager? Find out about this from ours.

Psychology

As the child grows up, he wants to gain more and more independence.

But parents continue to control him, trying to ensure safety and proper upbringing.

The problem is that sometimes the pressure is too much and the child begins to resist. As a result, aggression, leaving home, getting into dangerous company.

If a child is only forbidden, he will begin to do everything secretly. However, if left without complete control, he will not be able to assess for himself what is permissible to do and what is absolutely forbidden. Important maintain a golden mean.

When communicating with teenagers, first of all, it is necessary to achieve trust so that the child can calmly tell his parents about his problems and experiences, without fear of condemnation and punishment.

It is studied separately, and this is not accidental, it has its own characteristics and difficulties problems faced by parents and teachers.

Features of communication with adults and peers

As the child enters adolescence, adults increasingly lose their authority.

But small social groups become important for a teenager.

He focuses on subculture, fashion trends, features of communication in his circle. At the same time, parents may not like who their child is in contact with or what he is interested in.

This becomes the reason. In this case, there is no mutual understanding and respect between parents for the interests of the child.

Parents:

are members of the family in which the child is forced to live;
gradually lose authority, especially if there is no mutual respect and trust in the family;
are people to be feared.
Again, this happens due to loss of trust and constant punishment for any reason.

Peers:

accepted into a social group or rejected;
have similar interests;
more significant in terms of communication and exchange of opinions;
are interesting in terms of communication with the opposite sex;
can involve a teenager in illegal actions;
are an example to which the child is guided.

Relationship problems

Much depends on his success among his peers.

If he is rejected, he feels his difference, uselessness, loneliness.

The child may experience the following: Problems:

reduced;
excessively high self-esteem;
aggressiveness towards individual peers;
withdrawal;
fear of communicating with the opposite sex;
in front of a large group of people, the need to speak in front of the class;
, inability to make new acquaintances and maintain friendships;
aggressive behavior when parents try to interfere in their lives, control, impose certain behavior, clothing style, the need to study.

It is important for parents to understand that hormonal changes in the body occur; this also affects the child’s psychological state, his behavior, reactions to influences and stress.

Why don't parents understand teenagers?

Parents are a different generation, with with their existing stereotypes behavior.

The social environment is changing, and as a result, it is more difficult for the older generation to understand the younger.

In addition, parents forget how they felt and behaved as teenagers. Perhaps they think that they did not cause problems for parents, but in fact they behaved the way their daughter or son behaves now.

The level and direction of thinking of adults and children is also different.

How to raise them?

You need to start raising a child from infancy. But many parents forget this, in the end grows up to be a spoiled teenager, which is difficult to control. However, with some patience, the situation can be corrected.

Sex education

Sex education is aimed at the correct perception of one's own and the opposite sex. Of great importance prevention of early onset of intimate life, sexually transmitted diseases and early pregnancy.

Parents should have a conversation with girls even before the first menstruation begins, tell them how this happens and why. It is better if your mother or grandmother takes care of this issue. It is also important to explain issues of sexual relations and prevention to boys.

Some publishers publish special literature to introduce teenagers to the peculiarities of sexual life.

Nowadays, teenagers are quite active, so in some cases prevention should begin as early as 12 years old, but the individual characteristics of the individual should be taken into account.

Parents should not ignore gender issues and put off an important conversation for a long time. Unfortunately, in children whose parents did not take care of prevention in time, it often happens unwanted pregnancy and dangerous diseases are discovered.

In addition to the problems of communicating with peers, it is important to explain to the child how to protect himself from illegal actions on the part of adults.

How to talk to a child at 12, 13, 14 years old?

A teenager at this age is still a child, but already wants to seem like an adult.

What to do:

respect his right to express his own opinion, this teaches independent thinking;
if there is a need to point out a mistake, then do it not in the form of criticism, but in the form of advice on how best to act;
set the limits of what is permitted and permitted;
take care of organizing your daily routine;
keep promises or don’t make them, teach the same;
learn to listen to your child, so you can see in time what problems he has and help in a timely manner;
do not ingratiate yourself, stop communicating with him as with a small child;
appreciate his individuality, give him the opportunity to develop;
do not conduct the interrogation with condemnation, partiality, or irritation, as you only frighten the teenager and alienate him from you;
don’t blame him for disturbing you, imposing himself, or making mistakes;
be interested in his feelings, state of health, but not intrusively;
praise for decisions made, noble deeds, achievements in studies, sports, development.

How to find a common language with your daughter or son?

If parents, when their daughter or son tries to ask for advice, begin to criticize, get irritated, and ignore the problem, then next time the child simply will not turn to you.

Typical mistakes of adults

No one is immune from mistakes, and there are no ideal parents. By assessing your behavior, you can prevent many problems from occurring.

Basic mistakes:

It will help to identify what is wrong in interactions with a teenager. confidential conversation. Listen to the child, understand his point of view.

Difficult teenager: what to do?

You need to be prepared for the fact that you will have to endure the period, but do not let the situation take its course, but try to somehow influence the child’s behavior. In advanced cases it is recommended psychologist consultation.

It is quite possible that you do not know about the problems and internal experiences of the child. The psychologist will help him restore peace of mind, and his parents will teach him how to interact with him correctly based on his individual characteristics.

How to Deal with Difficult Teens?

How to deal with a difficult teenager? Using punishment for any reason is not the best option.

In this case, the child moves away more and more, trust is lost, but the parents develop fear and a desire to contact them as little as possible.

To kid you need to find something to do which will be interesting to him. Talk to him, listen to what he wants from life, perhaps he will be happy to play sports, go to courses or join clubs.

Explain to your child why you devoted so little time to him that you had to work to support your family.

Parents should be an example; it is with them that a teenager learns a model of behavior and transfers it to the outside world.

Rules of Engagement from Gippenreiter

Julia Gippenreiter is a famous psychologist who has published many works on psychology.

And now we're getting to the "friend" stage. How to behave with a teenager in order to maintain a relationship, says psychologist Satya Das.

The last stage of growing up is called "friend". From about the age of fourteen, parents should understand that the child has already grown up. Everything that you could put and explain into it, you have already explained and put into it. If you haven’t invested, it’s too late to invest, nothing will change.

And in fact, this is the most difficult stage. If we can somehow imagine and make a child a “king” or a “student,” then we do not perceive him as a friend at all. How can someone who peed in diapers, threw a cat out of the window at four years old, and did a lot of stupid things like that, be a friend?

What does a child friend mean? Is he really supposed to be your friend? It's unlikely that this will work. But at the same time, you are obliged to speak to the child in the same words and with the same intonation as when communicating with your real adult friend.

Imagine that you come somewhere with a friend and live in the same hotel room. And so he didn’t make the bed in the morning, and it annoys you.

How will you tell him about this? You will try to do it more gently so that he doesn’t get offended in response and tell you to go to hell. And you order your child to remove this bed without thinking about how he will perceive it. But this commanding tone will offend him just as much as it would offend your friend.

Let's say that until the age of five your child is not a “king,” from five to fourteen he is a slave, not a “student,” and after fourteen he also does not become a friend. What will happen then? He will run away from you. Do you know what this approach is called? Mockery, emotional aggression towards a child.

Until the age of five, a child who is treated this way cries. From five to fourteen years old he will be offended, silent and closed. From fourteen he will begin to snap, and you will consider that it has begun.

Adolescence is a myth

But in fact, adolescence is a myth; it does not exist. It is clear that teenagers have more hormones, but when children become uncontrollable, it means that adults mocked and pressed, and children have finally learned to resist, snap back and defend themselves.

If a child was subjected to emotional aggression before the age of fourteen, then at the age of fourteen there is not a “hormonal explosion”, but simply the child will grow to the age when he has gained strength to begin to resist aggression. If these are physically strong boys, then at this stage they may well respond to the father who puts pressure on them simply physically. And parents attribute this to a hormonal explosion and adolescence.

The best thing you can do with a child over fourteen years old if you have problems with him is to leave him alone.

You call this a transition period because this did not exist before, but now it has suddenly appeared. You hope that the transition period will end with age, but in fact the problems will not go away and will move to a new level. And I urge you not to put pressure on children, but to educate yourself.

When a child learns to snap back, his next step will be to try to run away from you. Don’t be surprised if your sixteen-year-old son wants to go to study somewhere in the wilderness for some completely exotic specialty or, at the age of fifteen, go to some terrible vocational school on the other side of the country. And you think: “Yes, I myself came from Nizhny Tagil to St. Petersburg, and he wants to leave God knows where from here, why is he doing this, why?”

But in fact, he does all this because he dreams of only one thing - to get away from you, because you are the aggressor in his life. He needs to go somewhere to be away from his crazy parents, who are already fed up with him, and that’s why he goes somewhere far away.

A girl has much more opportunities to escape than a boy. She can go away to study, or she can get married. If your daughter, at the age of sixteen, ran off with some suspicious guy on a motorcycle and they got married, then this means that you bullied the poor girl. Perhaps when she is thirty-six and you are fifty-eight, you will restore the relationship. But it is not a fact that this will happen.

If you don't do the right thing at every step, problems will inevitably arise. Remember how you felt as a teenager when your parents did not treat you as a friend. Don't repeat their mistakes.

At the age of fourteen, a child should become a friend, and nothing else. I had one student - a very colorful personality. When he first came to my classes, I asked:

What's happened?

He says:

Yes, you see, I have a problem with my children.

What's the problem?

They don't listen to me at all. I tell them, but they don't listen. We've been at loggerheads for a long time. I turn to them, and they answer - get out of here, leave us alone.

I ask, how old are the children? I think ten and twelve.

And he answers:

Twenty five and twenty seven.

Listen, my friend, don’t you think that you are about twelve or thirteen years late with moral teachings?

How late were you? But I'm their father.

That's it, from the age of fourteen they should be your friends.

But we are already friends with them.

Look, you and I are friends. If I start teaching you, telling you what you should wear, what you should eat, how you should think, who to pray to, and the like, what will you do?

I'll send you!

That's how they sent you.

But they are my children!

No, you decide whether you are their friend or not.

And he worried for so long, then the man was released. He began to come to classes happy, because it turned out that his children were not as bad as he thought. He just started being friends with them. Just like he was friends with older men. According to the principle: if you want to know how you are doing, find out if you can help with something - help, they don’t ask you - shut up. And it turned out that his children are adults, with their own interests, quite normal, and they don’t send him anywhere else.

When your child turns fourteen, become his friend. If he is five years old, make sure he becomes a proper "learner." And if he was just born, do not forget that he is a “king”.

I am sometimes asked how these periods of parenting transition from one to the next. Won't the child be shocked that instead of a "king" he suddenly became a "student"?

Don't worry. This transition does not happen in two seconds - turn five years old - and bam, they immediately transferred to “disciples”. The transition period is maturing gradually. My child and I started becoming friends about a year before he turned fourteen. And I slowly prepared myself for this.

The problem is not with the child, the problem is with the parents. They need to not miss the right moment and not become dull. You have to tell yourself - that's it, the child is my friend. And I don’t check my friends’ diaries. I can’t lecture him and say something like that, because I had to say everything before he was fourteen.

Comment on the article "How to communicate with a teenager over 14 years old? Like with a friend - but they don’t check friends’ diaries"

With a stranger - whatever. With your own child - as with your own child.

07.11.2017 18:59:04,

As long as these “friends” live in my house, eat in my kitchen and weekly demand pocket money, new jeans, balls and games, they will live by my rules!
He who pays calls the tune. (With)

07.11.2017 14:15:27,

Total 36 messages .

What happens to a child during adolescence

Adolescence refers to the period from 12 to 17 years. It is at this time that the child’s behavior sharply becomes contradictory, unpredictable and protest. The child’s physical and mental state, his attitude towards himself and the world around him change. The following aspects are undergoing the most dramatic changes.

Body. During adolescence, the bodies of boys and girls begin to actively produce sex hormones. Because of this, the growth and development of the child’s body is significantly enhanced. There is a sharp growth spurt, body proportions change, and puberty begins. A teenager is no longer a child, but not yet an adult.
Mood. Hormonal surges make a teenager's mood extremely unstable. It changes dramatically for no apparent reason. Joy instantly turns into resentment, euphoria gives way to rage. Not every adult can cope with such leaps.
Relationships with parents. Adults are frightened by the changes happening to their son or daughter. Many people do not understand how to behave correctly and begin to contradict themselves. On the one hand, they continue to tell the teenager what to do in a commanding tone (“sit down and do your homework,” “be home by 9,” “clean up your room,” etc.). And on the other hand, they begin to demand from him adult responsibility and independence (“at your age I was already a candidate for master of sports,” “think about your future yourself,” etc.).

The changes occurring in the child frighten parents. They don’t know how to react to their teenager’s defiant antics, his deliberate rudeness, and reluctance to communicate. But with such behavior the child tries to hide his weaknesses, cope with awkwardness and shyness. He strives with all his might to become an adult and independent.

Therefore, dear parents, it is normal for a teenager if he:

refuses to talk about his day at school;
began to spend more time in the company of friends;
asks not to enter his room without knocking on the door;
prohibits tinkering with his personal belongings (closet, briefcase);
began to study worse;
shirks from household duties;
often changes interests (trying to draw, then take photographs, then play the guitar, then write poetry and songs, etc.);
reacts too emotionally to your comments;
begins to keep a diary (mostly girls 13 years old and older).

The teenager is not doing this out of spite or to spite you. He’s just trying to get to know himself, form his personality, understand what’s happening to him. He no longer cares about school grades or parental approval. What becomes much more important is how he looks, what his status is in the team and how the opposite sex reacts to him.

So, dear parents, be patient and show miracles of wisdom to easily survive this difficult period together with your vulnerable, vulnerable and defenseless teenage child.

Remember yourself at his age: what you were interested in, what you dreamed of, who you were friends with and communicated with, how you spent your free time from school, how you studied at school. Try to feel that state again, at least a little, to experience those emotions. You were just like your teenager. You understand your daughter or son. This is the most important thing to understand in order to maintain a trusting relationship with your growing child. There is no need to go on the warpath with him, conclude a peace treaty and learn to communicate correctly.

Rules for communicating with a teenager

Your baby has grown up, he begins to demand respect for himself, and your authority is rapidly falling. Therefore, it’s time to learn the rules of communication with a teenager so as not to lose contact.

No moralizing or falsehood

To the routine question: “How are you?” thrown over your shoulder, you will receive, at best, the same routine answer: “Everything is fine!” This is no longer a 5-year-old kid who was ready to talk non-stop about everything: about his childhood affairs, plans, thoughts, dreams. A teenager's sincerity must be earned by showing him attention and respect.

In addition, most often, instead of words of support, adults rain down long moralizing lectures on the teenager, peppering it with phrases like: “But I’m your age...” or “You didn’t listen to me, so you’re suffering!” Agree that this completely discourages you from continuing communication.

Teenagers are very sensitive and vulnerable. They are angry with their parents for their selfishness, cold indifference, hypocritical moral teachings and sense falsehood very well. The child needs your support, not boring lectures.

To start a conversation, put your phone aside and close your laptop. Nothing should distract you. Look your daughter or son straight in the eyes with tenderness and love, but do not glare at him, otherwise he will suspect something is wrong. Be natural.

Don't interrogate with passion

Many teenagers withdraw into themselves and try not to tell their parents anything or ask them anything. A growing child tries to demonstrate his independence in this way. Prove to yourself and others that you can solve problems yourself. Although in fact during this period he needs his mom and dad even more than in childhood. But fearing misunderstanding from adults, he remains silent and does not ask for advice.

The worst thing you can do in this situation is try to force your daughter or son to talk to you, get angry at him, pester him with questions and surround him with annoying attention. You will definitely receive a heated rebuff. Tension between you will increase, and all this will result in conflict. Trust will be lost. Now he will definitely only go for advice to friends who already mean a lot to him.

Share your news and plans

You can talk to a teenager on almost any topic. Discuss with your son or daughter your boss, money issues, interesting incidents at work, etc. This will help you not only maintain contact with your child, but also unobtrusively educate him. By discussing various events with a teenager, you will be able to form the right opinion in him and express your positive and negative assessments. If as a child you read bedtime stories to your son or daughter, now move on to real life stories.

Share your plans with your teenager and ask him for advice. This way he will take an active part in your life, learn to make decisions and take responsibility for them, and empathize. Let your son help you choose a new phone, and your daughter help you choose an office outfit. Just be restrained in your assessments. You shouldn’t tear to smithereens what your child has chosen for you. Remember that a teenager is just learning to make decisions.

Learn to actively listen

“Communicate with the child. How?" – this is the name of the book by Soviet and Russian psychologist Yulia Gippenreiter. This is one of the most interesting books about parenting that I have read. One of the techniques proposed by the author is called active listening. It helps well in situations where a child behaves badly or does not comply with your request. This method is very effective when working with children from 4 to 10 years old. But it also works with teenagers. It is important that they hear you!

Instead of asking questions: “When will you finally clean your room?” or “Why don’t you listen to me?”, you just need to say your guess about the reason for bad behavior in an affirmative form.

To make it clearer, I will give an example. For example, a child refuses to clean up the room. Instead of questions and orders, you need to calmly say: “You don’t want to clean up because you’ve been asked a lot at school and you’re very tired.” If you have correctly identified the reason, your son will indignantly confirm this (“Oh, screw it! They asked so much that you don’t want anything at all! There were also 6 lessons”). Surprisingly, after a little time the teenager will still clean his room. He saw that you are not indifferent, you understand how difficult it is for him, and that means you love him.

If you didn’t guess the reason, and your son continues to lie calmly on the bed, ignoring your words, then wait a pause and express the next version of his reluctance to clean up.

When I read about active listening, I didn’t believe that this method worked. Then I decided to try it on my eldest daughter, who refused to put the toys back in their place. It worked! Now I always try to actively listen to my children, but not in order to force them to fulfill my request, but to understand the reason for disobedience and help them cope with it.

What to talk about with a teenager

It is much easier to communicate with a teenager if since childhood you have allowed him to talk about everything, reacted calmly and correctly and talked about yourself. Listen to your child more, give him the opportunity to speak out, and be sure to discuss the following points with him.

Himself. Be interested in the child’s condition not only when he is sick. A teenager’s body is developing rapidly, and many processes occur for the first time. Talk to your child about his well-being, behavior, dreams, goals, and physiological changes. About everything connected with him.
Relationships with the opposite sex and sex. He should learn about this from you, and not from friends “from the back alley.” Sex life will begin sooner or later, no matter how much you want it. You should not entrust education in matters of sexual relations and contraception to someone else, thinking that the teenager will somehow cope on his own and find out everything. Otherwise, it will be a shock for the mother to become pregnant with her daughter at 16 years old. Your task is to protect your child from possible problems and risks associated with the onset of sexual activity.
You. They did not expect? But in vain! It is during adolescence that a child stops idealizing his parents. Now he begins to evaluate them critically. Share your thoughts, doubts, mistakes with your teenager, talk about your good and not so good experiences. You are no longer an indisputable authority for the child. Now you can become either his best friend or his enemy.

A teenager is no longer a kid with whom you did everything together: walked, played, read, etc. Now your child is growing up, and he has his own interests, hobbies, and friends. He is becoming more and more independent. To continue to get along with your son or daughter, I suggest you follow these guidelines.

Become a role model

What could be better than a satisfied and successful parent?! Don't get hung up on the child. Find time for yourself and your interests. The atmosphere in the house will become calmer and friendlier, and your teenager will follow your example.

Accept your child for who he is and support him

Teenagers have many complexes related to their appearance. Don't laugh at him, just help him. Want to dye your hair? Take me to the hairdresser. Wants a tattoo? Invite him to make a temporary one. Any prohibition you make will be perceived as a signal to action. Both externally and internally he remains your child.

Knock on the room

This way you will let your son or daughter know that you respect his personal space. He will feel significant, which is very important in a difficult transition period.

Instead of blaming and reproaching, explain your feelings

For example, the usual: “You haven’t done your homework again!” replace with the phrase: “Your attitude towards studying upsets me.”

Don't raise your voice

Shouting is not an argument. On the contrary, when you scream, the teenager begins to feel that he is right, realizing that you have no arguments. Your menacing tone will make a stronger impression than a wild scream. Even if he is rude, don’t lose your temper! Maintain your composure at all costs. This is one of the most effective ways to help win an argument.

Apologize if you do mess up

When tension increases, it is best to disperse to different corners of the ring. Both the parent and the teenager will cool down, calm down and think about the situation. Well, if you couldn’t restrain yourself and you said too much, apologize. Learn to negotiate correctly.

Share his hobbies with your teenager

Now is your time to explore the wonderful world in which your son or daughter lives. Watch youth TV series, sports competitions together, listen to music that your child likes. Perhaps his tastes will seem wild to you, but remember yourself at this age. Did your parents share your interests? And also communicate with your child in instant messengers and social networks. In the virtual space, the conversation is easier, more relaxed and simpler than in personal contact.

Keep an eye on your child so you don't miss anything important.

Unfortunately, some parents are faced with the fact that their teenager becomes difficult, completely out of control, starts smoking, drinking alcohol, drugs, breaking the law by getting involved with bad company. Here you are unlikely to cope on your own. It is better to seek help from a psychologist. Better yet, try to avoid such situations. Another good reason to take a teenager to a psychologist is prolonged depression. He constantly sits in the room, is not interested in anything, does not know how. This condition can easily provoke suicide. This cannot be done without the help of a professional. Be sensitive and attentive parents! No one knows your child better than you!

I understand that there is a lot of information, and it is unlikely that you will be able to remember all these rules at once, so to reinforce the material, I advise you to also watch a video from a psychologist. She explains in a very interesting and accessible way the main points in communicating with teenagers.

Conclusion

Dear parents, if your child is already 12 years old and you feel that you are starting to lose contact with him, take immediate action. The tips I have given in this article will help you restore the lost good relationship with your growing child. Help your inexperienced, but very sensitive and intelligent little man overcome this difficult transition period. There is no need to become an additional source of stress for a teenager. He needs your love, attention and care!

We'll talk about 7 ways to improve your relationship with a teenager. Relationships with children that have moved on become unpredictable, like running through a minefield.

Teenagers and parents are an eternal confrontation. Some insist on their right to care and guide, others desperately defend their right to freedom and their own decisions, although they still have absolutely nothing to support these decisions.

Writer and journalist Ksenia Buksha says. The problem is that teenagers are no longer children, but not yet adults. They cannot be controlled from the position of an all-knowing adult, but you should not expect full awareness and responsibility for your choice either. What should parents do with those whom it is impossible to force, there is nothing to punish and it is impossible to convince them - read our article.

Strategy 1. Force and prohibit

In fact, we still have this tool. But you won’t have to use it voluntarily, which means the price may be ruined parent-child relationships for life.

We are adults, and we can still do whatever we want with a teenager, even send him to a school at a monastery, like the father I know who has a drug-addicted daughter. She stayed there for six years and came out at twenty, when all her friends and girlfriends had already died. I don’t want to judge that dad, or praise him, or evaluate him in any way, and I certainly don’t want anyone to have a reason to follow his example. I'm just trying to show the scale of the problems in which it makes sense to act this way.

We apply prohibitions only when there is a complete disaster. Drugs, anorexia, conversations about suicide, banditry, involvement in a cult - grab and pull from the edge.

But smaller accidents like “dropped out of school”, “has sex before marriage” - are we ready to pay for this with a relationship with a child? “Lays around with his phone all day long” - and for that? More likely no than yes, but what if he is seriously depressed? Before you wield an iron fist, you also need to understand where you are going to drag something.

Strategy 2. Draw up an agreement

In a written form. And hang it on the wall. An agreement can make living with an emotional teenager bearable.

Parents and children have rights and responsibilities. A parent has the right to sit on a clean toilet in the morning. The child has the right not to respond to SMS, but is obliged to respond to calls. Or vice versa.

Any item thrown outside the room goes into the trash bin. For dirty marks on the ceiling - whitewash it yourself, for example. Anything, the main thing is points that are realistic for your family and discussing them together.

Most teenagers already know how to control impulses at the very least, which means they will follow these points. The good thing about the agreement is that when sanctions come, there is no point in sorting things out with the parents - everything is fair. Candy wrappers and skins must be removed from the bathroom without making a sound, and in his room they can rot for an eternity.

Important: the agreement is not an attempt to achieve from the teenager the desired “course of his life”; it is not a motivator. This is just a means to clearly separate boundaries. Therefore, you should not include items like “computer time, no more than two hours a day” and other things that do not personally concern the parent.

A treaty is a division of rights and obligations, territory and resources.

Strategy 3. Give independence

If you want to find a common language with a teenager, let him conquer himself in at least something. We reduce the initiative and give the right to decide for ourselves. We can’t put you to bed if you don’t go to bed yourself, and we can’t force you to put on a hat if you think it’s not cold.

We can think long and hard about letting something go, and we can take rights back if we see things going wrong.

But we are not disappointed, but constantly test reality - maybe your child is already ready for independence. For example, I overslept on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday I got ready on time. You get the following scales: here we are, the parents are stronger, and here we are already a teenager, and here we are again.

Strategy 4. Discuss plans

From the age of 15-16, we need to let the teenager understand what level of support awaits him after 18, and where we will begin to insure his risks.

This should be very clear. For example: “We will always help you at first and you can live with us.” Or: “You are responsible for your studies yourself, we will not excuse you from the army if you don’t enroll.” Or: “You don’t have to worry about anything until your sixth year.”

A person must somehow plan his future. Otherwise, you live on everything that seems ready-made, but it’s somehow unclear: am I already an adult or not yet? And when I become an adult, then what?

If you clearly discuss all these things together, talk about specific plans for the future and ways to achieve them, direct, intimate motivation can be born. Only teenagers and parents should make plans together. We do not inform the teenager that after he turns 18 he will be removed from our living space and we do not try to “give him a good education.” Only together and with love we decide on further steps, where his family will always support him.

Strategy 5: Switch off

Our main tool every day is to switch off. There are such heaters: they heat the air to a specified temperature - once, they turn off, stand like good boys and cool down. A parent of a teenager needs to be able to do this too.

The child has broken all the rules, resists furiously, doesn’t want anything, or, on the contrary, wants the wrong thing and our strength is not enough to convince him. Let's ask ourselves if anyone would die, God forbid, if we switched off right now. If the issue is not fatal at the moment, feel free to switch to “off” mode.

It is more useful for a teenager to see not a strict parent, but a person who knows that he is right, but refuses to fight. Which, as it were, silently says: “your move”, “you know what to do.” And, importantly, it allows you to do wrong.

This means that we continue to be present, but we stop conflicting. We drink tea peacefully in the kitchen. We only do what we want now. If our child is difficult and problematic, this is a good prevention of codependency. The main difficulty is that you need to turn off all general thoughts, like “what will grow out of him.” Now we are not interested in this, but in living peacefully for an hour.

By switching off, we allow ourselves to rest and circumstances to work for us.

Strategy 6. Get involved

Well, if we know how to turn off, then we also need to turn on correctly. If you want to find a common language with a teenager, every day tune yourself to friendly chatter, which includes your own independent remarks, listening to your interlocutor, and feedback.

Choose a topic that interests your teenager (not about school). Tune in, smile, nod, listen. Be mentally horrified, but do not evaluate or criticize.

Such a conversation is always effective, even in times of conflict. Relationships with children almost immediately move to another qualitative level, trust and intimacy emerge.

Strategy 7. Surprise

By adolescence, our children know us well, and our reactions are familiar and predictable to them.

The essence is not important, the range is important. Affectionate joke, caustic irony, absurd absurdity, sometimes sarcasm, and sometimes tenderness, as with a baby.

A teenager is a kind of infant-adult, a newborn full member of society. He is born as an adult and in this capacity deserves all kinds of tenderness - only carefully.

To surprise again and again, to be a different person, and not just a “parent” function, to show how interesting it is to truly communicate, to look for ways and approaches to each other, to be alive. Maybe there won’t be fewer stubs in the car, but is that really the point? But all participants in the conversation will develop a different view of each other, closer and with many discoveries in the future.

Now you know the main 7 strategies on how not to destroy the parent-child relationship and find a common language with a teenager.