People who love each other enjoy going somewhere together. They like to please their partner and come up with new travel and vacation options. And if it was like this before, but now it’s not, maybe you’re just not happy with his company anymore?

2. Distance

Loving partners want to be closer to each other: they rush home from work, happily go on vacation, and even a regular dinner together brings joy. If you want to increase the distance, this is a bad sign.

3. Physical intimacy

As a rule, good partners have sex more often. They like not only to receive, but also to give pleasure. They are interested in what turns the other person on and how they can improve already pleasant intimate events. If you forgot when you had sex, you should think about whether it will happen again?

4. Focus

Loving partners think about each other, can bring a gift for no reason, and will always console you if the other one is feeling bad. Is this enough in your relationship?

5. Value

If everything is good in a couple, both are happy that they were able to choose such a suitable partner. Both value each other and consider each other great love. And if for him you are just another fish in the ocean (or vice versa), everything is not so good.

6. Respect

An unconditional given in a good relationship. They respect not only each other, but also their choices, know how to listen, speak and reach a compromise, and work well in a team. If a couple does not get out of loud arguments over trifles, there may be problems.

Problems in one or more areas do not necessarily mean that everything is bad for you, but it is worth taking a closer look and starting to correct the situation before it gets worse.

Or just affection?

Almost all of us have friends who jump from relationship to relationship, and each time they insist that they “absolutely and unconditionally love.”

For those of us who have been out of relationships for longer than the length of their several relationships combined, it is completely incomprehensible how anyone could “love” so many people at once.

I mean, let's be honest. Is not . This is the fear of loneliness. Right?
Yes and no. It's all about what we feel.

But what if our feelings deceive us? What if we are just so damn scared of being alone that anyone who gives us the slightest sense of security and comfort immediately passes for a soul mate?

You know that epiphany when, several months after a breakup, it becomes difficult to believe that you even said those three magic words to someone you wouldn’t even want to be around today?

And it’s impossible to understand how I could love someone so ridiculous? Someone so unsuitable? So superficial?

Well, it just wasn't love. It was affection.

I don't know for sure whether your love is true or just a relationship for the sake of a relationship, but I can show you a few general indicators. These are the kinds of things you can point out to a friend when he or she seems to be getting too attached to a one-night stand.

Because you probably wouldn't want to attend a wedding where one of the newlyweds said "he/she is just always there" as the reason for the event. And if you doubt the motives of your own love, also run through these 6 points to determine whether your efforts are worth the time invested.

Love is passion; affection - indifference

Here we are talking about behavior during separation. They say that the closest feeling to love is a feeling of hatred, which is why after a breakup, all that beautiful, sincere love turns into rage and ardent, unaccountable hatred.

When you are simply attached to a person, you will never become so angry. You will experience anxiety or irritation, but these anxious feelings will not lead you to something as strong and meaningful as real hatred.

Love is unconditional; attachment is self-centered

When you love, all your thoughts are devoted to this person. For the first time in your life, someone else's needs come before yours.

The only reason you buy a new bed is because now you have someone to share it with. Everything you do for your partner has a little bit of satisfaction in mind as well.

Love is complicated; attachment is only difficult when you are not together

Nothing is easy in true love. You think it should be easy because love is so pure and beautiful, but anything meaningful and life-changing takes effort. You must help the relationship grow and strengthen.

As far as attachment is concerned, there is nothing to cultivate. All attention is focused only on how often you can see each other during the week.

You need this person just as much as you need help. These relationships do not grow, do not bloom, and do not take other forms. As with the effects of a drug, the “high” is short-lived, and sooner or later you will be “released.”

Love is freedom; attachment is a prison

When you're in love, you don't need to have someone in your sight all the time to feel safe. You don't have to be close to a person to understand how they feel. You will never doubt the reciprocal love of this person and will not suffer from jealousy.

When you are attached, you have no real understanding of your partner's feelings, because you are only able to be normal in his immediate presence. When you are not together, you cannot get rid of the obsessive thought of how and with whom he/she can spend time.

If that person is also only attached to you, doesn’t this mean that, by and large, it doesn’t matter to whom he becomes attached?

Love expands boundaries; attachment - drives into boundaries

Nothing in this life can inspire such a feeling of one’s own omnipotence as true love. It gives a completely new understanding of freedom, renews and energizes. You are alive - and ready to conquer the world.

Attachment turns into a banal struggle for power. You constantly need confirmation of your importance. You should have everything under control and the original “keys to the handcuffs” should always be in your hands.

Love is eternal; affection is temporary

When you love - truly love - it lasts forever. Whether the relationship works out or not, this person will forever remain the love of your life.

It won't work with attachment. Attachment has an expiration date and separation is only a matter of time. Attachment is fake, it is like being in oblivion compared to sincere love.

Someday one of the partners in such a couple may meet his own and all this affection will dissipate as quickly as it once formed.

True love cannot weaken, it remains with us forever.

The word “love” is familiar to each of us. Even small children use it in their daily routine quite often. However, it turns out that not everyone understands the feeling that is hidden behind this word.

Love, what kind of feeling it is, and how it affects our lives, can be considered both from the point of view of science and from the point of view of an absolute concept accepted by humanity. However, many people have never thought about the meaning of this word. What kind of feeling love is and what its true motives are, only a few know; moreover, it is difficult even for them to describe in ordinary words.

At the very beginning

In order to understand such a wonderful feeling as love, you should first turn to religion. After all, as you know, any society is based on faith, and in fact, it is practically unimportant what they believe. The Bible says that a feeling that is capable of enduring for a long time, not being proud, not thinking evil, covering everything and believing everything is called “love.” As a rule, this feeling arises towards people who are close relatives or spiritually. The Holy Scripture also indicates that such a relationship excludes any benefit. It turns out that, from the point of view of religion, this is a kind of virtue that excludes the possibility of using it. Most likely, most true believers agree with this definition and try to follow it. But is it so easy to love openly and unselfishly in our time?

Modern mores

Of course, perhaps some people live by the rule “If you hit the left cheek, you must turn the right one,” but every day there are fewer and fewer of them. It follows from this that the modern world does not associate self-sacrifice with desire. But really, what kind of feeling is love that you need to humiliate yourself and feel offended?

Quite the opposite, a wonderful word that characterizes a feeling of affection for another person, evokes a feeling of warmth and lightness in the heart. Modern love is a feeling of affection, comfort, and the desire to please a person. Probably, maternal love can be safely called the standard love. Many scientists believe that this type of attraction is the strongest in the world.

Such different love

Love, what kind of feeling this is, as well as its varieties, was studied by one Canadian sociologist John Alan Lee. He identified several types of relationships between men and women, namely:

1. Erotic love. From the name it becomes clear that such a feeling is based on the partners’ relationship with each other. Most often, this type appears in outbreaks and cannot last long. However, there are cases where erotic attraction lasted for years.
2. A game. This is the second type, which is characterized by pretense of feelings. The relationship of such a married couple is more like an exciting game than love.
3. Gradualism. Most likely, this is one of the more durable types, since it is based on such a feeling as friendship. A long friendship develops into affection and an attraction arises that can last for years. But there is a catch here too - too little passion.
4. Love-mania. People are controlled by a feeling of passion; they do not notice anything around them except the object towards which this feeling is directed. As a rule, a person does not realize what “love” is and how it differs from simple passion; the mania quickly passes and the relationship collapses.
5. Pragmatic feelings. In such a relationship, the partner clearly knows what he is looking for. He knows exactly what qualities a significant other should have. Pragmatic attraction can last for many years.
6. Love is an ideal. This is a long-term relationship that is based on trust, selflessness, and tolerance. These are the ideal feelings that many are looking for.

Great people "about love"

Since human attraction can be discussed endlessly, this feeling has been studied most of all in the field of philosophy and literature. Who else, if not philosophers and poets, should study what love is? Dante Alighieri in his works described this feeling as a certain force that is capable of setting the sun and luminaries in motion.

Plato, in turn, studied love from the point of view of aesthetic perception. He interpreted it as falling in love with a beautiful body. From this teaching arose the concept of platonic love. It is a feeling based solely on spirituality, which is devoid of any physical sensuality.

Albert Camus also tried to understand what love is and how to recognize it. He once said that all people are subject to attacks of despair. He associated these states with the absence of one great love. All his life Camus was in search of truth. His philosophical reasoning considers love from the point of view of true happiness. He believed that love should not bring a person anything other than happiness.

Jealousy and love

As Francois de La Rochefoucauld said, in jealousy there is more love for oneself than for another. And, in fact, these words are not without meaning. In modern society, it is generally accepted that jealousy is somehow associated with the concept of love. But is this really so? After all, first of all, love is trust in a partner, the absence of doubts in him. And jealousy is an absolutely opposite feeling, which indicates that a person does not trust his partner. The concept of jealousy in a love relationship can only be viewed in terms of ownership. Every person who loves would like all the attention of his other half to be directed only to him.

Love from the point of view of Erich Fromm

In a science like psychology, love is viewed from a slightly different perspective. For example, E. Fromm studied what love is, what kind of feeling it is, and how it affects a person’s life from the point of view of character traits. That is, he is able to love everyone or no one. In other words, he believed that this feeling could be a character trait of a certain individual and set an attitude towards the world as a whole.

That is, love cannot be presented as a feeling for one person - if this happens, then it is most likely just selfishness. Love is light; according to Fromm, it warms everyone around.

Sternberg's theory

This theory considers love in three components - determination, passion and intimacy. Strenberg believed that without these components, feeling cannot exist. What is love like if there is no passion or determination in it? A person who is truly in love with another will definitely decide in his intentions, he is burning with passion and feels certain responsibilities towards himself. In addition, an important component of love is its object. For example, the object of a mother's love is her child. She cherishes him, educates him, loves him, no matter what, but some circumstances can lead to a decrease in the feeling of love. They say that love forgives everything, but in reality it turns out that even this feeling has certain limits and can end.

What is love, in your own words

Of course, given that this feeling has a huge number of facets, everyone is able to feel it in their own way. Someone claims that when a person is in love, his heart contracts more often, someone feels lightness in the diaphragm or, on the contrary, a spasm. But these sensations do not haunt people for a long time, but, most likely, arise only at the peak moment of the development of the situation.

It is very difficult to explain what love is in your own words to those who have never experienced this feeling. And those who have experienced it are not always able to understand whether it was really love.

Love and intimacy

Many philosophers and psychologists have been arguing for years about whether intimacy is necessary in a love relationship. Of course, everyone knows about the existence of platonic love, and this proves the fact that such relationships are possible. But on the other hand, some scientists believe that it is just a myth and self-deception. As you know, when a person is in love, the desire for intimacy arises uncontrollably.

Unfortunately, in our time, closeness between two people does not mean at all that there is a feeling of love between them. Many people completely confuse sexual relations with this wonderful feeling. However, studying the concept of “love” in psychology, what it is and how it arises, we are once again convinced that, first of all, love is spiritual intimacy. People should be attracted to each other not only physically, but also morally. They should be interested in being together, they should have common goals and, of course, wonderful sex - only in this case does love arise between them.

We walked down the street, it was dark and cool, these lanterns glowed so beautifully.

Aren't you cold?

You're not so talkative.

Well, yes, I just like to be silent, to be in silence.

Well, sometimes I like to do that too, but as you can see, today I’m not very good at it.

Hah, I noticed that.

I would like to talk to him, but it was hard for me, I just wanted to rummage through my thoughts, be silent and think about Johnny.

What are you doing? Let me show you something (said with a smile)

Well, let's go.

I was somehow scared, we went somewhere in the other direction from my house.

Close eyes.

I'm not asking you, let's hurry up.

Hey, maybe let's skip this.

Yeah, of course, let's close it, don't be afraid, you're with me, consider yourself safe.

His words sounded like that. I seemed to like it, it was as if he felt that I was scared and he consoled me, I trusted his words and closed my eyes. I felt how he held my hand, so tightly, as if he was afraid of losing me. As we walked, I heard how I walked on dry leaves, heard them rustling.

So wait, you have to go through here

Well, let me open my eyes.

I felt his hand pass over my head and touch my hair. And he was blindfolded.

Now you definitely won't see it.

He took me in his arms.

Aah..(screamed)

He carried me, his arms were so strong, he held me and quietly said, “Already close.” I was already curious where we were going.

He lowered me to the ground, I stood there, suddenly felt it, he took my hand and we walked a little.

Okay, now open it.

I took it out of my eyes. And I saw a river, and the moon and stars were reflected on it. I turned back, and there were only trees, it looked like a forest. Leaves from the trees fell into the river.

Well? Do you like it?

I loved places like this, it was so beautiful and sweet. He seemed cool in appearance, money, girls, why I thought so, he was very handsome. But it only seems. You can't judge by appearance. Appearance is the enemy. After all, we often like to pay attention to appearance; when someone is handsome, we immediately think that he is super, etc. But I don't think so, I'd better be careful. When you see a beautiful person, but at heart he is shit. And for the first time I met this man, who not only has an ideal appearance, but most importantly, a soul. His appearance matched his soul, in my opinion, I’m not exactly sure, maybe I’m wrong, but this act was amazing. Maybe these are small things, but not for me. I don't need those 101 roses, or big soft toys.

I knew. What do you like (with a smile)

I had never even seen or known about such a place.

Yeah, no one goes to this place and you're the first one to know about it.

I just smiled, I liked it so much, it was beautiful, quiet. I felt him take my hand. I turned in his direction, he looked into my eyes, his hand. He squeezed my hand like that. We didn't say anything to each other, we just looked into each other's eyes. I liked it. I felt something, but it couldn’t be called love, it was something else.

Action, activity. Here we come to another serious misunderstanding about love that needs to be carefully considered. Love is not a feeling. Many people who experience a feeling of love and even act under the dictates of this feeling actually commit acts of non-love and destruction. On the other hand, a truly loving person often takes loving and constructive actions towards a person whom he clearly does not like, for whom at that moment he does not feel love, but rather disgust.

The feeling of love is an emotion that accompanies the experience of cathexis. Cathexis, let us recall, is an event or process as a result of which an object becomes important to us. We begin to invest our energy into this object (“object of love” or “object of love”), as if it had become a part of ourselves; We also call this connection between us and the object cathexis. We can talk about many cathexis if we have many such connections operating simultaneously. The process of stopping the supply of energy to the object of love, as a result of which it loses its meaning for us, is called decathexis.

The misconception about love as a feeling arises from the fact that we confuse cathexis with love. This misconception is not difficult to understand, since we are talking about similar processes; but still there are clear differences between them.

First of all, as already noted, we can experience cathexis in relation to any object - living and inanimate, animate and inanimate. Thus, someone may experience cathexis for a stock exchange or a piece of jewelry, may feel love for them. Secondly, if we experience cathexis towards another human being, this does not mean at all that we are in any way interested in his spiritual development. A dependent person is almost always afraid of the spiritual development of her own spouse, towards whom she has cathexis. The mother, who stubbornly drove her son to school and back, undoubtedly experiences cathexis for the boy: he was important to her - him, but not his spiritual growth. Third, the intensity of our cathexes usually has nothing to do with wisdom or devotion. Two people can meet in a bar, and the mutual cathexis will be so strong that no previously scheduled meetings, promises made, even peace and quiet in the family will compare in importance - for a while - with the experience of sexual pleasure. Finally, our cathexis can be fragile and fleeting. The couple in question, having experienced sexual pleasure, may immediately discover that the partner is unattractive and unwanted. Decathexis can be as rapid as cathexis.

True love, on the other hand, means commitment and effective wisdom. If we are interested in someone's spiritual development, we understand that a lack of commitment will most likely be painful for that person and that commitment to him is necessary first of all for ourselves in order to show our interest more effectively. For this same reason, commitment is the cornerstone of psychotherapy. It is almost impossible to achieve significant spiritual growth in a patient if the psychotherapist fails to enter into a “therapeutic alliance” with him.

In other words, before the patient dares to make serious changes, he must feel confident and strong, and therefore have no doubt that the doctor is his constant and reliable ally.

For a union to occur, the doctor must demonstrate to the patient, usually over a significant period, consistent and even care, and this is possible only when the doctor is able to be committed and devoted. This does not mean that the doctor always enjoys listening to the patient. The obligation is that the doctor - whether he likes it or not - always listens to the patient. Just as in family life: in a healthy family, as in therapeutic work, partners should pay attention to each other regularly, routinely, and intentionally, regardless of how they feel. As mentioned above, falling in love among married couples sooner or later passes; and it is at this moment, when the instinct of copulation completes its mission, that the possibility of true love arises. It is when the spouses no longer want to be with each other continuously, when from time to time they want to be apart, that the test of their love begins and it becomes clear whether this love exists or not.

This does not mean that partners in stable, constructive relationships - for example, in intensive psychotherapy or marriage - cannot experience cathexis towards each other and towards their relationship; they experience it. But the point is that true love transcends cathexis.

If love exists, then cathexis and the feeling of love may also exist, but they may not exist. Of course, it is easier - even joyful - to love with cathexis and with a feeling of love. But one can love without cathexis and the feeling of love: it is precisely the realization of such a possibility that distinguishes true love from simple cathexis.

The key word for the distinction is the word "will." I have defined love as the will to expand one's Self in order to nourish the spiritual growth of another person or one's own. True love is primarily a volitional rather than an emotional work. A person who truly loves does so because of the decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, regardless of whether loving feelings are present. If it is there, so much the better; but if it is not there, then the determination to love, the will to love still remains and is active. And vice versa, for for a lover it is not only possible, but also obligatory, to avoid acting under the influence of any feelings. I may meet an extremely attractive woman and feel in love with her, but since an affair could destroy my family, I will say to myself out loud or in the silence of my soul: “I think I am ready to love you, but I will not allow myself to.” In the same way, I refuse to take on a new patient who is more attractive and seemingly promising in terms of treatment, because my time is already devoted to other patients, some of whom are less attractive and more difficult.

My feelings of love may be inexhaustible, but my capacity to be loving is limited. Therefore, I must choose a person on whom I will focus my ability to love, on whom I will direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling that overwhelms us; it is a binding, deliberate decision.

This universal tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love allows people to deceive themselves in all sorts of ways. A drunken husband, whose family currently needs his attention and help, sits in a bar and with tears in his eyes says to the bartender: “I love my family very much!” People who grossly neglect their own children most often consider themselves the most loving of parents. It is quite obvious that in this tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love lies a certain egoistic background: it is so easy and beautiful to see confirmation of love in your own feelings. And looking for this confirmation in your own actions is difficult and unpleasant. But since true love is an act of the will, which often transcends the ephemeral feelings of love, or cathexis, it is most correct to say: " insofar as it works"Love and dislike, like good and evil, are objective categories, not purely subjective.

We can now see the essential component that makes psychotherapy effective and successful. This is not an “unconditional positive attitude”, or magic words, techniques or gestures; it is human involvement and struggle. This is the will and willingness of the doctor to expand his Self for the sake of nourishing the spiritual growth of the patient, the willingness to take risks, to sincerely get involved on an emotional level in relationships, to sincerely fight with the patient and with himself. In short, the essential ingredient for successful, deep, meaningful psychotherapy is love.

It is characteristic - and almost incredible: the vast Western professional literature on psychotherapy ignores the problem of love. Indian gurus often simply and without ceremony say that love is the source of their strength. The closest approach to this issue are those Western authors who attempt to analyze the differences between “successful” and “unsuccessful” psychotherapists; Typically, characteristics of successful doctors include words such as "warmth" and "empathy." But more often than not, the question of love confuses us. There are a number of reasons for this. One of them is the confusion between the concepts of true love and romantic love, which has so permeated our culture, as well as other confusions discussed in this chapter.

Another reason is that "scientific medicine" is inclined to everything tangible, rational, measurable, while psychotherapy as a profession was formed largely outside of "scientific medicine."

Since love is an intangible, immeasurable and super-rational phenomenon, it cannot be analyzed scientifically.

Another reason is the strength of psychoanalytic traditions in psychiatry; these traditions, with their ideal of the cold, aloof psychoanalyst, lie not so much on the conscience of Freud as of his followers. According to these traditions, any feeling of love that a patient experiences for a doctor is usually branded with the term “transference,” as well as any feeling of love that a doctor feels for a patient is “countertransference”; Of course, both of these feelings are considered an anomaly, part of the problem, not the solution, and should be avoided.

This is completely absurd. Transference, as mentioned in the previous chapter, refers to unacceptable feelings, perceptions and reactions. There is nothing unacceptable in the fact that patients come to love a doctor who sincerely listens to them hour after hour and does not judge them, but perceives them as they are, as probably no one has perceived them before; he does not take advantage of them, and he alleviates their suffering. In practice, the content of the transference in many cases is such that it prevents the patient from developing a loving relationship with the doctor, and then the treatment consists of overcoming the transference so that the patient can experience a successful loving relationship, often for the first time in his life.

Likewise, there is nothing unacceptable in the physician developing a feeling of love for the patient when the patient submits to the discipline of psychotherapy, participates in the treatment, willingly learns from the physician, and begins to thrive through this relationship. In many ways, intensive psychotherapy is similar to renewing a parent's relationship with a child. A therapist's feeling of love for a patient is just as acceptable as a good parent's feeling of love for their child. Moreover, from the point of view of successful treatment, the doctor's love for the patient is beneficial, and if success comes, then the treatment relationship becomes mutually loving. And the doctor will inevitably experience a feeling of love that coincides with the genuine love that he showed towards the patient.

In most cases, mental illness is caused by the absence or defect of love that a particular child requires from his particular parents for successful growth and spiritual development. It is obvious, therefore, that in order to heal with the help of psychotherapy, the patient must receive from the psychotherapist at least some of the genuine love that he was deprived of in childhood. If the therapist cannot truly love the patient, treatment will not take place. No amount of training or diplomas will help a psychotherapist if he cannot expand his soul through love for the patient; the overall results of the medical practice of such a psychotherapist will be low. Conversely, an uncertified, non-professional doctor with minimal training but with an enormous capacity for love achieves the same high results as the best psychiatrists.

Since love and sex are closely intertwined and interconnected, it would be appropriate here to briefly touch upon the problem of sexual relationships between psychotherapists and their patients - a problem that in our time often attracts close attention from the press. Due to the necessarily loving and intimate nature of the psychotherapeutic process, strong - or extremely strong - mutual sexual attractions naturally and inevitably arise between patients and therapists. The craving for sexual consummation of such attractions can be enormous. I suspect that some mental health professionals who castigate a psychotherapist who has had a sexual relationship with a patient may not be loving therapists themselves and cannot truly understand this colossal craving. I will say more: if I had a situation where, after careful and sensible reflection, I came to the conclusion that a sexual relationship with a patient would be significantly beneficial for her spiritual growth, I would decide to have this relationship. In fifteen years of practice, however, I have not had such a case, and I can hardly imagine how it could actually arise. First of all, as I said, the role of a good doctor is similar to the role of a good parent, and good parents do not allow sexual intercourse with their children for a number of very important reasons. The point of a parent's job is to benefit the child, not to use the child for one's own gratification. The purpose of a doctor's job is to benefit the patient, not to take advantage of the patient.

The parent's task is to support the child on the path to independence; The doctor's task in relation to the patient is the same. It is difficult to imagine how a physician who had sexual relations with a patient would not use the patient to satisfy his own needs or how he would promote the patient's independence in doing so.

Many patients, especially those with seductive appearance, develop a sexualized nature of attachment to one of the parents from childhood, which undoubtedly interferes with the freedom and development of the child. Both theory and the few practical facts available to us confirm that sexual relations between a doctor and such a patient strengthen the patient's immature attachments rather than weaken them. Even if the relationship is not consummated sexually, falling in love between doctor and patient is destructive because, as we have seen, all falling in love entails a narrowing of ego boundaries and a weakening of the normal sense of separateness between individuals.

A doctor who has fallen in love with a patient apparently cannot be objective about his, the patient’s, needs or separate these needs from his own. It is out of love for their patients that doctors do not allow themselves the pleasure of falling in love with them. Because true love requires respect for the separate personality of the loved one, a truly loving physician recognizes and accepts the fact that the patient's life path is - and should be - separate from the doctor's life. For some doctors, this means that their paths should never cross the paths of patients, except during treatment.

We have already discussed the assertion that psychotherapy can be - and should be, if we are talking about successful psychotherapy - a process of genuine love. In traditional psychiatric circles, this idea seems somewhat heretical. The other side of this coin turns out to be no less heretical: if psychotherapy is a process of genuine love, then is love always therapeutic? If we truly love our spouses, parents, children, friends, if we expand our Self to nourish their spiritual growth, does that mean we are providing psychotherapy to them?

My answer: absolutely.

From time to time I hear over cocktails: “It must be difficult for you, Mr. Peck, to separate your social life from your professional life. After all, after all, you can’t just spend all your time analyzing your family and friends?” Usually such an interlocutor simply carries on a boring conversation; he is not interested in a serious answer and is not ready to accept it.

But sometimes the situation provides me with the opportunity to teach a lesson or practical session on psychotherapy on the spot, explaining why I do not even try and do not want to try to separate my professional life from my personal life. If I notice that my wife or children, parents or friends are suffering due to illusions, falsehood, ignorance, unnecessary complications, I definitely do everything possible to expand, extend myself to them and, as far as possible, correct the situation, just like that the same way I do it for my patients for money.

Can I deny my wisdom, my services and my love to my own family and friends on the grounds that they have not signed a contract and are not paying for my attention to their psychological problems? Of course not. How can I be a good friend, father, spouse or son if I do not use every opportunity and professional skill to teach the people I love what I know and to provide them with all possible assistance in the spiritual development of each of them? In addition, I expect the same reciprocal assistance from friends and family members, within their capabilities. I have learned many useful things from children, although their criticism is sometimes unnecessarily harsh and their teachings are not as profound as those of adults.

My wife guides me as much as I guide her. My friends would not be my friends if they hid from me their disapproval or love interest towards the wisdom and reliability of my path. Could I develop faster without their help? Every truly loving relationship is mutual psychotherapy.

My views on these things were not always like this. I once valued my wife's admiration more than her criticism, and I did as much to strengthen my wife's dependence as to strengthen her strength. I considered it the task of my father and husband to provide for the family: I brought home a good income, and that was where my responsibility ended. I wanted the house to be a citadel of comfort, not challenge. At that time, I would have agreed with the idea that practicing psychotherapy on friends and family was dangerous, unethical and destructive. But this agreement would be dictated by my laziness no less than by the fear of misusing my profession. For psychotherapy, like love, is work, and working eight hours a day is easier than sixteen. It is also easier to love a person who seeks your wisdom, comes to you to receive it, pays for your attention and receives it within a precisely measured fifty minutes - all this is easier than to love someone who views your attention as his right, whose requests can be unlimited, for whom you are not power or authority at all, and your teachings are of no interest. Psychotherapy at home or with friends requires just as much effort as in a treatment room, but the conditions are much less favorable; in other words, even more effort and love is required at home.

I hope that other therapists do not take these words as a call to immediately begin psychotherapy with spouses and children. If a person continues on the path of spiritual growth, his ability to love continuously increases. But it always remains limited, and the doctor should not undertake psychotherapy beyond the limits of this ability: psychotherapy without love will be unsuccessful and even harmful. If you are capable of loving six hours a day, be content with this opportunity for now - it already exceeds the capabilities of most people. The journey will be long and it will take time to increase your ability. Practicing psychotherapy with friends and family, loving each other all the time - this is an ideal, a goal worth striving for, but which is not achieved immediately.

As I have already noted, a lay doctor can successfully practice psychotherapy without much training if he is capable of true love; Therefore, my comments about the practice of psychotherapy on friends and on my own family apply not only to professionals, but to all people in general.

Sometimes patients ask me when they can finish their treatment; I answer: “Then when you yourself become good psychotherapists.” This answer is most appropriate in the case of group treatment, where patients themselves have the opportunity to practice psychotherapy on each other and, in case of failure, listen to frank criticism of themselves. Many patients don't like this answer and usually say, "This is too much work. To do it, I have to think about my relationships all the time. I don't want to think so much. I don't want to work hard. I just want to be happy." ".

Patients often respond to me in this way when I tell them that all human interactions present opportunities to learn or teach (that is, to receive or give treatment); these patients are unwilling to teach or learn and miss out on opportunities in interactions. Many people are absolutely right when they say that they don’t want to aim so high and work so hard their entire lives. Most patients, even with the most skillful and loving therapists, end treatment at a level where their growth potential is far from being exhausted. They have walked a short - or perhaps a long - section along the path of spiritual development, but they cannot handle the whole journey. It seems too difficult to them; perhaps it is too difficult.

(Psychologist Marina Morozova)
How to overcome love addiction (part 1) ( Robin Norwood)
How to overcome love addiction (part 2) ( Robin Norwood)
Grow to love ( Anna Vospyanskaya)
About “this” - Orthodox ( Hegumen Valerian (Golovchenko))
Is it possible to marry for love? ( Priest Ilya Shugaev)
Is parental blessing required for marriage? ( Elena Chemekova, psychologist)
Why shouldn't you lose your virginity before marriage? ( Priest Ilya Shugaev)
Bride and groom. Engagement. Wedding ( Archpriest Maxim Kozlov)