Our modern culture began to lose its former social framework. The old stereotypes were replaced by new rules. The public has also undergone both external and internal changes. Surely on the streets you had to meet young people with an extraordinary appearance. Youth groups have emerged. Youth subcultures are various associations with common values, attitudes, and traditions.

Is the emergence of such groups good for our society? And what to do if your child himself is a supporter of one of the subcultures? You will find the answers by reading this article.

How are youth companies formed?

Man is a social being. Each of which has its own hobbies, interests, views on life. And at some point he wants to communicate with those people who share them. So, there are children's companies based on a common view of life that is significant for them. With its own rules, values ​​and attitudes.

Already in early age, when a child leaves the family, first in kindergarten, and later to school, contributes to strengthening the role of communication with peers. The first companies based on common interests, the similarity of the character of children, appear. As a rule, they are unstable, temporary.

IN primary school first friends appear. Companies acquire a more permanent composition, the main activity of which is a common game, interest, hobbies. In high school, groups are built on respect, understanding for each other, and common views on life. Their composition is more permanent and it is very difficult for a teenager to get into an already formed group.

Age groupings and companies, closed and isolated from adults, arise because children begin to worry and be interested in those issues that they can openly and without hesitation discuss only with people very close to him in spirit.

Why does a child need company?

The grouping of people into groups according to interests, worldview is called a subculture. Main functions:

• socialization;
• stress relief;
• stimulation to creativity;
• compensation.

The company is simply necessary for every person for a normal harmonious development and existence. It allows self-actualization, to show themselves and their capabilities. Great role and communication, which is necessary for the formation of personality. Every teenager needs support and understanding.

A teenage company is able to give confidence to each of its members, to make them stronger.

Household chores and duties, study take a lot of energy from a teenager. Overexertion, accumulated fatigue can lead to nervous exhaustion. Restoration of strength and stress relief contributes to a good rest. Namely, doing what you love, discussing it with friends in the company.

Companies that bring together people with the same interests contribute to the development of creativity and talents of each of its members. When discussing or implementing their ideas, they act as a team. They voice their ideas, discuss and develop them.

Even trusting relationships in the family do not give the freedom of speech that a teenager feels in his company. In it, he can calmly discuss all the issues that concern him, which he would not dare to discuss at home. And if this is a company formed on the basis of common interests, then in it he feels at ease, while at home they may simply not understand him, or not approve of his hobby.

A teenager who did not receive warmth, love, and attention in the family rushes to the street in search of them.

How does the company affect the child?

The influence of the company on the child is unambiguous. However, an adolescent group can contribute both to the successful socialization of a teenager to life and to lead to antisocial behavior. In adolescence, the formation of the values ​​and attitudes of the child for life is actively taking place. His authorities and idols are determined. Often it is during this period that parents lose their influence on children.

The company gives new emotions, adventures. The child, wanting to maintain his position in the group, adapts to its rules. As a rule, each group has its own leader or “leader”, who is distinguished by imperiousness, categoricalness, self-confidence and self-confidence, impudence, rudeness, and cruelty.

The common ideas and goals that unite children into groups sometimes have different views on how to achieve them. However, not every child is able to decide to resist his company, their influence. The fear of being rejected, expelled makes the child do reckless, rash acts. Sometimes even against their will.

Informal groupings

Today there are many different informal subcultures. Youth subcultures are:

• goths;
• skinheads;
• graffiti artists;
• rockers, punks, metalworkers, rappers and others.

All informal youth subcultures have their own distinctive ideas and values. They have their own attributes, clothing style. For example, representatives of the Emo subculture define their life through three values: emotions, feelings, reason. Everything that happens in their life they deeply and defiantly experience. Rockers, punks, metalheads and rappers are informal groupings formed on the basis of musical preferences.

The main feature of informal subcultures is their association, which manifests itself in the negative attitude of group members to generally accepted norms and rules. Often their life goals and values ​​contradict universal ones. And illegal or criminal actions are used to achieve the goals of the group.

What are parents worried about?

There is a lot of anxiety for parents when their child reaches adolescence. They worry about whether their child will find his company, whether he will be rejected, an outcast. And if he finds, then how the company will influence him, whether it will undermine the authority of his parents.

Parents are also worried about how the company will affect school performance. Will his behavior, attitude to life, parents change? Often the grouping captivates the child so much that he changes not only his way of life, but also appearance. Informal groupings can completely change a person.

It is in companies that a child first tries alcohol, smokes, and in some, drugs. Every adult worries about whether their child will be able to resist the group, defend their views

Help a child

A common mistake many parents make is a categorical ban on communicating with a company that they do not like for their child. This does not protect the child from the influence of this company, but, on the contrary, repels him from his parents.

The correct tactics in the behavior of an adult can not only help the child, but also regain their authority for him. It is important to always be ready to help. Know how to listen to your child. Do not allow condemnation against him, pointing out his shortcomings, as teenagers are very vulnerable and susceptible to criticism.

It is important to correctly and imperceptibly switch his interest from the "bad" company to something new. Engage the child. Fully satisfy his craving for adventure. Alternatively, you can sign up for sports sections that enhance the image of the child. For example, boxing, karate, karting, tourism or archeology. With the advent of a new hobby, perhaps the emergence of a new company.

Establishing the true reason for the child's departure to bad company will allow, when it is eliminated, to return it to the family. Perhaps he is not accepted or humiliated in class, he feels like an outcast, so in order to compensate, he seeks protection on the side.

Youth subcultures are not always bad. After all, many groups in our country are created to help and benefit humanity. As in the famous work of Arkady Gaidar "Timur and his team."

It is very important for us as parents to direct the activities of a teenager precisely to the accomplishment of good deeds. And instill a love for the beautiful and the good. Motivated phrases that children should hear will help us with this.

The late 80s and early 90s were a tough time. Ideology was collapsing, an era was ending, and young people who had grown up in the conditions of the deposition of former values ​​did not know what to do with themselves. Again, a division into microdistricts appeared, teenage cruelty flourished, and numerous convicts also tried, who glorified thieves' romance in every way.

As a result, in the early 90s, it was simply unrealistic to walk through a foreign area and not be beaten, and meeting a girl from another part of the city was real heroism. What were the teen gangs of the 90s like?

In big cities, multi-storey Khrushchev houses and a good birth rate of past years provided the country with a huge number of young people who huddled in flocks and proudly called themselves gangs. They were called differently, some were named after the name of the district (Zarechensky, Nizovsky, factory), who took the name of the leader, or as they used to say "helms" (Golubtsovsky, bulls), someone was called by the type of hobbies (sports, metalworkers, informal ).

The composition of the detachment or gang consisted of starshaks - young men 17-18 years old, youngsters, 15-16, and shkets, sixes - 14 and younger. The most authoritative of the Starshaks always stood at the head: he had to have good physical data and be a good speaker and organizer.

The candidacy of the person joining the group was discussed at gatherings, usually they were held "behind the garages" or in the gazebos of kindergartens. The candidate had to go through a baptism of fire - go through the territory of an enemy gang, and cripple a member of a hostile group.

They usually shot from self-propelled guns, “set on fire” in the buttocks, or they watched in the evening and beat them with rebar or iron bars from the fence. The newcomer was watched and evaluated without having the right to participate: he was a coward or held the test with honor, after which he was enrolled in the appropriate age group.

Each teenage gang aspired to be like an adult mafia group. Separate large gangs of youngsters tried to control the markets, but they were very quickly kicked out of there by real mafia gangs, explaining what was what, however, taking especially talented people into their ranks. So, historically, gangs of teenagers "roofed" dance floors and clubs.

It was impossible to come to see a movie or to a disco if you were not from your area and there were not a few strong guys behind your shoulder. Everyone in the city knew that the dance floor in such and such an area would be guarded, and appearing on it meant giving a reason to unleash a bloody massacre.

The brutality of the battles varied in different cities, the larger the city, the more districts and gangs, the tougher the competition and fights were. In the early 90s, there were up to 15-20 different gangs in millionaires, they united in alliances, fought and arranged "arrows", on which sometimes up to 500 participants fought on each side. Weapons and ammunition for such battles were made together.

"Gunsmiths" - teenagers who worked or studied at technical schools, were locksmiths, and in general had access to machine tools and factories, were especially valued. They could steal the missing, and simply make weapons after hours. They made copper pipes of incendiaries, filling them with bearings that pierced a two-centimeter board, stuffed sampopals with pieces of nails and shot, made grenades from industrial fuses, stuffing them with sulfur, which they scraped off from matches.

As a rule, only the elders had access to such weapons. The younger members of the detachment at the meetings fought with bats, pipe cuts, fittings, wound bicycle chains around their hands. At that time, it was impossible to bring to criminal liability for serious injuries or even death - in the Russian police, firstly, there were enough “adult cases”, and secondly, there was simply no appropriate legislative framework, according to which it was possible to attract a teenager under 18 years old.

Teenage gangs were financed by extortions from schoolchildren and vocational school students. Every teenager in his area, who was not a member of a gang, had to give "lunch sums" daily if he wanted to get to and from his place of study safe and sound.

Although girls and adults were usually left alone, there were cases of brutal beatings of adult men who thought they would deal with "impudent brats" or who felt they needed to be "suggested." In addition, teenage gangs surrounded "lumps" - tents, which were numerous in the 90s, they stole from food depots and wholesale warehouses, reselling the stolen goods to real bandits.

The culture of the teenage gangs was up to the mark

It was supposed to listen to Viktor Tsoi, Nautilus Pompilius or the Status Quo. Wear long hair, being a metalhead, an informal, a rapper, was considered “zapadlo” and if a member of the group was seen in a similar way, he was beaten and driven away. It was considered honorable to be engaged in any sports section, to study somewhere else, to attend music schools or other circles - it was considered a fierce "zashkvar". They were called "cormorants" and "schmyrs" and mocked such especially zealously.

Surprisingly, the real mafia did not approve of such a teenage movement. It was considered humiliating to get on the “bunk” under a hooligan or drug addict article; in prison, a member of a teenage gang did not rise above the “six” and the hierarchy, unless, of course, he sat down for something more serious.

With the improvement of the economic situation in the country, the gangs began to gradually erode and lower their age threshold. Unfavorable teenagers aged 17-18 could already find a sane job, the level of youth employment has risen, and where it was previously impossible to calmly walk, they began to walk without fear.

Part of the aggressive youth, which undoubtedly remained and grew into football fans, skinheads. These movements still arrange their actions and battles, but fortunately, they are far from the mass character and scope of the 90s.

The wave of child aggression that has swept all countries of the world raises on its crest a global question for humanity: “Why did we give our children to be brought up by the Internet and mass media?”

And again Naples, beautiful and terrible. Mafia again. Again unjustified cruelty. This time, young members of the Camorra gangs enter the stage of organized crime. And again, tongue-tied journalists are right there. The phenomenon was called "gangs of children" (baby gangs). It seems that Italian society pays more attention to the refinement of definitions than to intervention in the process of the inevitable dehumanization of adolescents.

The great son of Italy, Sandro Botticelli, who wrote The Birth of Venus and illustrations for Dante Alighieri's Inferno, dreamed of becoming a skilled jeweler at the age of 13, and a little later, an outstanding artist. The incredible Michelangelo Buonarotti, the author of The Creation of Adam and The Roman Pieta (Lamentation of Christ), at the age of 14 studied hard at an art school, where he was noticed by the great Lorenzo Medici, ruler of Florence.

Lamentation of Christ by Michelangelo Buonarotti 1499

The current teenagers in Italy, and especially the city of Naples, do not have to dream of high. All needs and dreams are crumpled to the banal: beat the weak, steal money, eat delicious food and pick up beautiful girls. But everything became simple and understandable, albeit primitive, as if in an article about the basic, base human needs: the needs for dominance, for profit, for sex.

Recently, a march was held in Naples, the purpose of which was to show the position of society condemning the aggression of minors. By the way, Italians love marches and demonstrations, for any reason. This is a great opportunity to meet up with friends you haven't seen for a long time. Let the march not solve all the problems, as the “KVN team of Camorra” would sing, but everyone will become happier, everyone will become happier.

There are enough reasons for such processions in Naples. Over the past two months, children have committed more than 20 store robberies, more than 5 attacks on peers, more than 30 acts of disorderly conduct.

The "Great Solidarity March" gathered everyone who was outraged by the murder of 17-year-old teenager Arturo, who was stabbed in the throat by gang members near the metro station, and by many children around the city who were beaten for no reason. At such mass actions, people, holding “Stop Violence” posters in their hands, do not lose their good mood and are quite smiling, which may surprise an involuntary witness.

Manifestation against teenage aggression in Scampia, Naples.

We have already written in previous articles that teenagers from the Camorra are not afraid even of the military with machine guns when they interfere with the passage of their scooters. At the end of 2017, things began to escalate, and young Camorrists began to probe the zone of what was permitted, committing daring and strange crimes.

Tradition thieves.

On new year holidays in the Galleria Umberto I shopping gallery, a tourist-favorite symbol of beauty, art and leisure, a beautiful fir tree is set up, to which residents and guests of the city come to hang notes with their secret desires on a branch. A wonderful tradition that was barbarously violated just a few days after the installation of the spruce. Several teenagers cut down a spruce with a chainsaw at night and dragged the tree to the next block, where they simply abandoned it. And in December 2017, this happened twice! Thus, one of the "children's gangs" declared itself, intimidating competitors with the level of its serious attitude. The bar for absurd antisocial behavior has been raised. The socialist competition for barbarism has been won.

Remains of tradition in the center of Naples

By the way, teenagers have chosen this beautiful area inside the gallery for their nightly events - after 22:00 it is used as a field for night football or as a track for racing on motor scooters, or as a place for demonstrative humiliation of homeless people. The reader may have a question, “Where are the police looking?” (and wrinkles over the bridge of the nose may frown). For Italian reality, this is an open question - apparently, the police have more important things to do. Although one of the municipal officials said that closing the gallery for the night would be an insult to the city. Such statements, strange from the point of view of order in the city, are woven into a special Italian reality, which is difficult for a foreigner to understand. In our opinion, it would be easier to arrest all violators and close the gallery for the night. Or maybe it's not so simple...

The governor of the Campania region, Vincenzo De Luca, spoke out in favor of tougher punishment for teenagers and announced a reduction in the punishment threshold to 16 years. There is a norm called repression, which becomes indispensable when a person wants to guarantee the peace of the community, therefore, De Luca concluded, we must also go to this level. But have not yet gone, while only thinking.

The phenomenon of children's gangs. Evolution of the Camorra

According to the "expert on the Camorra mafia" Roberto Saviano, children's gangs are not a spontaneous phenomenon. This is the evolution of the mafia - power from the elders, the so-called "dons", is transferred to children who approach the puberty period of their lives, 14-16 years old. The Camorra is getting younger by empowering its young members. The elders, like the aristocracy, go into the shadows, managing the process from their palaces. It's safer and more stylish, like in a movie.

We can observe evolutionary processes when the mafia strives to be like the heroes of films about the mafia, the directors of which are ahead of each other in terms of “closeness to reality”, drawing the Camorrists more aggressive and angrier, which actually makes the real Camorrists even angrier and more aggressive. The vicious circle of the great of the arts! This is a very wake-up call for those who confidently insist that the mass media does not manipulate people's minds...

Is it curable?

The other day, Marco Rossi Doria, a teacher who has been working with difficult teenagers for 35 years, an expert from the Ministry of Education, arrived in Naples. Its task is to analyze the origins of child aggression and suggest ways to solve the problem.

Marco Rossi Doria

This is how Marco Rossi described the problem and suggested ways out of the emerging madness. The reader is invited to read the thoughts of an Italian parenting expert and represent the schools of Perm and Ulan-Ude.

Expert opinion

The picture is complex and must be seen. In Naples, there is the problem of having a state. This Big city with high rates of social exclusion and a strong influence of organized crime. We don't know exactly what it is, but this phenomenon matches the Camorra model, making it easier to find a solution.

From a descriptive point of view, these are groups of young children whose families are not only poor, they are “broken”, incomplete, they have one parent and he either does not work or is at the lowest level of the hierarchy of organized crime. They live on the edge of already marginalized areas and communities, and even within these communities are considered marginalized.

The parents of these children have no understanding of how to raise a child.

Children don't go to school, they sit without any action, ride around the neighborhood on scooters, and at some point it occurs to them to do something, to get on an adventure, and in a few minutes they make a terrible disaster against anyone, who happened to be in front of them. These guys don't have to have , they are ready to fight with their bare hands or kick the weak with their feet. These children were not intercepted in time by any adult figure: a sane grandfather, a caring grandmother, a pastor or a volunteer ... At some point they become a ticking time bomb.

Violence is reduced if a system is created that unites local educational communities. But it is very important - for a long time, with a constant effect.

In addition to schools, youth centers are needed where teenagers will work, live "adventures" and the problems of their city, and be useful to it.

We need regular sports, social projects, support for youth entrepreneurship. The risk group includes adolescents from 10 to 25 years. And all the listed strategic actions, which were known before, should not be stopped for at least the next 10 years. Only then will there be a result.

We need a more flexible, closer school, real vocational training. Strong alliances are needed between teachers and street educators who are able to have proximity to territories that are at the limit and act as antennas, who understand what children who seek to go beyond are and who are able to intercept them, suggesting alternative activities where they can explore and test themselves. Obviously this offer cannot last one semester, it should last 5-10 years.

If the state policy supports investments in the educational community, in the territorial unit, in the medium term it will be possible to count on saving children. In addition to all this, there should be not so much a change in the law as confidence in sanctions, even non-criminal ones: the educational program must be implemented, its implementation must be strictly observed and controlled. And if a teenager needs special help due to social problems, this needs to be listened to.

conclusions

The great skill is to learn from the mistakes of others. When you try to understand the origins of aggression among Italian teenagers, you immediately begin to remember the latest events in Russia, in schools where teenagers took up arms to tell the world something.

The analysis of the phenomenon by Marco Rossi Doria is quite realistic. And if you put together all his conclusions, only one judgment comes out: children whom their parents stop loving take knives in their hands in order to regain love and respect.

Children should remain children - in all the charm of their desire to develop and comprehend the world. When on the way of this aspiration are those verified by psychologists according to all the canons of the development of addictions computer games and social networks, children who have not received the love of their parents as an alternative, go into the virtual world created by evil geniuses, fully accepting its rules.

Why did we give our children to the education of the Internet and mass media? Because we are afraid to make mistakes and because giving a tablet with the cartoon "Masha and the Bear" into the hands of a three-year-old child is easier than captivating him with a game or live communication.

What can we do to save our children? It's simple - learn to love them!

To be your own in a children's company means to be able to play by certain rules.

In September, two new twin girls came to the seventh grade, where three friends studied: Anna, Sarah and Melanie. After a couple of weeks, all five were already sticking together. But one Monday in November, Anna found a crumpled note in her locker that said: "You think you're cool, but we know your secret. Club." That day became a real nightmare for Anna. She tried to talk to the twins after class, but they defiantly turned away from her and began to whisper to each other. At dinner, her friends said: "We don't want to sit with people like you!" Anna sat at another table, but could not talk to anyone - she watched in a panic as her friends whispered, laughed and looked at her slyly. The girl felt terrible. What did she do?

After school, she called Sarah to find out what was wrong, but she coldly replied: "Don't call me anymore. I can't talk to you." A couple of days later, a girl blabbed to Anna about what the twins had said in class: whoever spoke to Anna would not be accepted into their group. That same evening, Anna's mother entered the nursery and found her daughter weeping bitterly in bed.

Why companies emerge

Groupings have always existed in any children's team. But they bloom especially luxuriantly in middle and high school. Between the ages of 11 and 13, almost all boys and girls begin to form companies and secret societies. Instead of playing today with one and tomorrow with another, as was the case in lower grades, they are divided into groups. There is also a hierarchy among the school's companies - your schoolchild can probably tell who belongs to which group and what level he occupies in the school "value system".

A typical example. I walk into a regular school and immediately pay attention to a group of pretty sixth graders - probably the most popular girls. Anna, Becky, Julia, Christina, and Cathy are seated at the center table in the school cafeteria, each wearing a red sweater, gray clogs on their feet, brown nail polish, black velvet ribbons on their wrists, and French braided hair. It is clear that the day before they discussed this whole form - their expression of solidarity - over the phone for several hours. The conversation of beauties is interspersed with special words ("major"), discussions of your favorite rapper and peremptory statements about the importance of vegetarianism. And of course, they condescendingly say that many classmates are no match for them.

Do not sit here, - the girls say sarcastically, when someone wants to sit down at their table, - we are talking.

During recess, they gather near Julia's locker, whisper secrets and laugh, then suddenly form a circle, turning their backs on the girls who are trying to approach them. Many girls would like to be part of this company, but it's hopeless. After all, the main goal and the main meaning of the group is to keep others at a distance. If anyone can join a company, then what is the use of it?

To the displeasure of parents, children in the same company strive to be as much like each other as possible. Cathy, for example, has always done a ponytail, and now she diligently French braids every morning, because Julia, Anna, Becky and Christina want all five to look the same. They also made a pact that neither of them would smoke alone. We ourselves behaved in exactly the same way. Only in my time we wore straight hair with bangs, plaid skirts, said "cool" and listened to the Beatles, but in everything else we behaved the same way.

Compliance with the rules - the so-called concessions to the group - is necessary. This helps children to determine exactly who is with them and who is against them. At times, rules are enforced in very harsh ways, because children do not yet have the experience of social communication. Usually group members agree on how they will reject outsiders - which is why often the most violent children can end up in the same company.

Why do children want to be in the company?

Remember how difficult and confusing life seemed to us as a child. Surely at some point you had the feeling that the rules of friendship are changing for some reason? Indeed, in secondary school, boys and girls become more resourceful in their choice of friends. For friendship, a casual acquaintance is no longer enough - a coincidence of interests and values ​​\u200b\u200bis necessary. This similarity gives the child a familiar sense of security, but at the same time allows them to separate from the family and feel part of the generation. Children's cliques have much in common with families: they usually consist of three to six people who spend a lot of time together and share their most personal problems with each other. Children often form groups under the influence of the environment of adults. This happens when teachers and parents constantly compare children and divide them into groups based on ability, appearance and age. In such an atmosphere, children tease each other much more, react more sharply to insults. For example, often in prestigious and expensive private schools, children with lower grades they start showing off to each other about haircuts, satchels, stylish designer things. Those who have nothing to boast about experience all the "charms" of contemptuous attitude of their peers.

Despite the difficulties and concerns of parents, the division of children into groups helps children. Firstly, they are aware of their place in the school hierarchy, and secondly, they master the most important principles of friendship - for example, that they do not share the most intimate with the first person they meet. Thirdly, communication in a company gives life experience and skills for solving the most important problems: how does a person who is rejected feel; how much you can yield to the interests of the group; what is loyalty and betrayal; why friendship ends.

What are parents worried about?

It is more difficult for girls to exist within the children's group. Dr. Thomas J. Berndt, a child relationship psychologist, identified the main differences between boy and girl cliques:

Girls are more selective. If a girl tries to enter a company of four girls, she will most likely not be accepted. In the same situation, the company of boys will be more favorable to the beginner;

Girls are much more worried than boys about being kicked out of the company and about others betraying the interests of the group;

Since girls spend more time with one friend, they are more likely to be jealous and competitive in the company;

Both girls and boys love gossip, but girls prefer to discuss the thoughts and feelings of others, while boys prefer actions.

All parents hate to hear when their children say nasty things about those who are not part of their company. However, Thomas Berndt believes that this has its own benefits: children use gossip as a means of strengthening relationships within the group. This is just an attempt to set their own standards.

Another problem that worries adults is the fear that the company will have a bad effect on the child. Indeed, at any age, a child can begin to behave disgustingly just so as not to be left alone. When two best friends decide to go up against someone, they tend to get carried away and try to outdo each other in terms of teasing, kicking, pushing and slapping everyone in a row.

Instead of forbidding such friendships, teach your child to keep his own line of behavior. And until you are sure that he can withstand the next nasty trick of his friends, try to ensure that they spend time only in your house or under your supervision.

Gangs and companies appear much more often in large schools than in small ones. But this does not mean that it will be easier for a child in a small school - after all, those who are not accepted into the group remain outcasts here and cannot organize another company. Despite the seeming cohesion, children's companies quickly disintegrate. Someone is jealous of someone, someone quarrels with someone, and soon the children discover that there is much less in common between them than they thought at first. One of the reasons why groups are so fragile is that between the ages of 8 and 14, children change rapidly, both physically and emotionally. That's what happened to Sam: in eighth grade, he best friend suddenly grew by 10 cm, began to play for the basketball team and found new friends there. And Sam, fascinated by the computer, joined other boys with similar interests, among whom one turned out to be a real computer genius!

IN school years time is perceived differently. Even two weeks can seem endless to a child who is not accepted into the company. And in general, except in rare cases, companies rarely exist for more than one school year.

How to help a child

Some children themselves cope with the search for a suitable company and self-affirmation in it. Others need help from their parents. For example, such as Gary, who came to new school and soon found himself the object of persecution by one guy. Since Gary did not have time to make friends, no one supported him. Parents helped their son feel less vulnerable. His father enrolled him in a drumming studio, and on weekends he coached his son on the football field. Soon Gary was accepted into the football team, and he had his own group of friends. Being new to the school community is a stressful situation for your child. In the groupings that have existed at the school for several years, certain relations have already developed. If children in such companies feel insecure, they are likely to be suspicious of the newcomer. They think: what if he will change the relationship in our company? What if he takes my best friend away from me? That is why, if possible, you should not change schools in the middle of the school year - especially when the child is over eight years old. By this point, the children have already broken up into companies, and your child may remain an outsider for a long time, until the end of the year.

But what if your son or daughter has to come to new class? You can help a child in this situation if you remember your own childhood. Adults underestimate the importance of "correct" clothing for a child's status. Take your son or daughter to school before he starts studying there. Look at how other children dress and what hairstyles they wear - if certain shoes or jeans of one model are especially fashionable, try to buy them for your child. Of course, make sure that he himself wants this, because some people really like to be different from others. Teach your child to respond calmly and with humor to possible comments and ridicule in their direction - how they react to this from the very beginning depends on their attitude towards them in the future.

Many children cannot find friends because they do not know how to make friends, they are too timid and shy. Of course, if a child is a loner by nature, it is not necessary to force him to join any children's group. But you need to be sure that he will not hesitate to turn to the help of friends in a difficult situation.

All of us from time to time meet adults who do not know how to get along with others - they argue too much, or impose their point of view, or are not interested in anyone but themselves. We say in such cases: "He does not know how to communicate at all." Similarly, children may lack communication skills. But, unlike adults, children instantly become victims of their peers - they are rejected, teased or ridiculed. Therefore, between the ages of five and thirteen, a child needs to learn how to communicate and make friends, sometimes with the help of parental prompts. The process of joining a group is always the same. Here seven-year-old Robbie sees a group of boys playing ball during recess. Robbie really wants to join them, but he doesn't know how. The result depends on what he does now - whether or not he will be accepted into the game and into the company. What should Robbie do? Take your time and pay close attention to what is happening. Sit at the edge of the group and observe the behavior of others. Then slowly and unobtrusively try to enter the game. Here Robbie began to run along with the others along the edge of the field, not trying to grab the ball. Then he exchanged a few words with a boy who was running around, and finally, when everyone seemed to accept him in the game, one of the boys shouted: "Hey, Rob, catch!" And only after playing for a while, Robbie dared to propose a new rule of the game. If the boy tried to unceremoniously get into someone else's company, immediately challenge the rules and try to control the situation without understanding the relationship between the children, he would most likely not be accepted into this group. Direct question "Can I play too?" could help only if it was addressed not to the team, but to one child.

By the way, a positive attitude and a good mood is an excellent "pill" that helps the child establish relationships with other children. In my childhood, when I went to a new school, my father would tell me to be friendly with everyone, to smile more often and not to impose my opinion too much. And it has always worked!

To be at home in a children's company means to be able to play by certain rules.

In September, two new twin girls came to the seventh grade, where three friends studied: Anna, Sarah and Melanie. After a couple of weeks, all five were already sticking together. But one Monday in November, Anna found a crumpled note in her locker that said: "You think you're cool, but we know your secret. Club."

That day became a real nightmare for Anna. She tried to talk to the twins after class, but they defiantly turned away from her and began to whisper to each other. At dinner, her friends said: "We don't want to sit with people like you!"

Anna sat at another table, but could not talk to anyone - she watched in a panic as her friends whispered, laughed and looked at her slyly.

The girl felt terrible. What did she do? After school, she called Sarah to find out what was wrong, but she coldly replied: "Don't call me anymore. I can't talk to you."

A couple of days later, a girl blabbed to Anna about what the twins had said in class: whoever spoke to Anna would not be accepted into their group. That same evening, Anna's mother entered the nursery and found her daughter weeping bitterly in bed.

Why companies emerge

Groupings have always existed in any children's team. But especially lush color they bloom in middle and high school. At the age of 11-13, almost all boys and girls start to form companies and secret societies. Instead of playing today with one and tomorrow with another, as they did in elementary grades, they break into groups. There is also a hierarchy among the school's companies - your schoolchild can probably tell who belongs to which group and what level he occupies in the school "value system".

A typical example. I walk into a regular school and immediately pay attention to a group of pretty sixth graders - probably the most popular girls. Anna, Becky, Julia, Christina, and Cathy are seated at the center table in the school cafeteria, each wearing a red sweater, gray clogs on their feet, brown nail polish, black velvet ribbons on their wrists, and French braided hair.

It is clear that the day before they discussed this whole form - their expression of solidarity - over the phone for several hours. The conversation of beauties is interspersed with special words ("major"), discussions of your favorite rapper and peremptory statements about the importance of vegetarianism. And of course, they condescendingly say that many classmates are no match for them.

Do not sit here, - the girls say sarcastically, when someone wants to sit down at their table, - we are talking.

During recess, they gather near Julia's locker, whisper secrets and laugh, then suddenly form a circle, turning their backs on the girls who are trying to approach them. Many girls would like to be part of this company, but it's hopeless. After all, the main goal and the main meaning of the group is to keep others at a distance. If anyone can join a company, then what is the use of it?

To the displeasure of parents, children in the same company strive to be as much like each other as possible. Cathy, for example, has always done a ponytail, and now she diligently French braids every morning, because Julia, Anna, Becky and Christina want all five to look the same. They also made a pact that neither of them would smoke alone.

We ourselves behaved in exactly the same way. Only in my time we wore straight hair with bangs, plaid skirts, said "cool" and listened to the Beatles, but in everything else we behaved the same way. Compliance with the rules - the so-called concessions to the group - is necessary. This helps children to determine exactly who is with them and who is against them. At times, rules are enforced in very harsh ways, because children do not yet have the experience of social communication. Usually group members agree on how they will reject outsiders - which is why often the most violent children can end up in the same company.

Why do children want to be in the company?

Remember how difficult and confusing life seemed to us as a child. Surely at some point you had the feeling that the rules of friendship are changing for some reason?

Indeed, in secondary school, boys and girls become more resourceful in their choice of friends. For friendship, a casual acquaintance is no longer enough - a coincidence of interests and values ​​\u200b\u200bis necessary. This similarity gives the child a familiar sense of security, but at the same time allows them to separate from the family and feel part of the generation. Children's cliques have much in common with families: they usually consist of three to six people who spend a lot of time together and share their most personal problems with each other.

Children often form groups under the influence of the environment of adults. This happens when teachers and parents constantly compare children and divide them into groups based on ability, appearance and age. In such an atmosphere, children tease each other much more, react more sharply to insults. For example, often in prestigious and expensive private schools, children from elementary grades begin to brag to each other about haircuts, satchels, and stylish designer items. Those who have nothing to boast about experience all the "charms" of contemptuous attitude of their peers.

Despite the difficulties and concerns of parents, the division of children into groups helps children. Firstly, they are aware of their place in the school hierarchy, and secondly, they master the most important principles of friendship - for example, that they do not share the most intimate with the first person they meet. Thirdly, communication in a company gives life experience and skills for solving the most important problems: how does a person who is rejected feel; how much you can yield to the interests of the group; what is loyalty and betrayal; why friendship ends.

What are parents worried about?

It is more difficult for girls to exist within the children's group. Dr. Thomas J. Berndt, a child relationship psychologist, identified the main differences between boy and girl cliques:

• girls are more selective. If a girl tries to enter a company of four girls, she will most likely not be accepted. In the same situation, the company of boys will be more favorable to the beginner;
• girls are much more worried than boys about being kicked out of the company, and that others will betray the interests of the group;
• because girls spend more time with one friend, they are more prone to jealousy and competition in the company;
• both girls and boys love gossip, but girls prefer to discuss the thoughts and feelings of others, while boys prefer actions.

All parents hate to hear when their children say nasty things about those who are not part of their company. However, Thomas Berndt believes that this has its own benefits: children use gossip as a means of strengthening relationships within the group. This is just an attempt to set their own standards.

Another problem that worries adults is the fear that the company will have a bad effect on the child. Indeed, at any age, a child can begin to behave disgustingly just so as not to be left alone. When two best friends decide to go up against someone, they tend to get carried away and try to outdo each other in terms of teasing, kicking, pushing and slapping everyone in a row.

Instead of forbidding such friendships, teach your child to keep his own line of behavior. And until you are sure that he can withstand the next nasty trick of his friends, try to ensure that they spend time only in your house or under your supervision.

Despite the seeming cohesion, children's companies quickly disintegrate. Someone is jealous of someone, someone quarrels with someone, and soon the children discover that there is much less in common between them than they thought at first.

One of the reasons why groups are so fragile is that between the ages of 8 and 14, children change rapidly, both physically and emotionally. This happened to Sam: in the eighth grade, his best friend suddenly grew 10 cm, began to play for the basketball team and made new friends there. And Sam, fascinated by the computer, joined other boys with similar interests, among whom one turned out to be a real computer genius!

In school years, time is perceived differently. Even two weeks can seem endless to a child who is not accepted into the company. And in general, except in rare cases, companies rarely exist for more than one school year.

How to help a child

Some children themselves cope with the search for a suitable company and self-affirmation in it. Others need help from their parents. For example, such as Gary, who came to a new school and soon found himself the object of harassment by one guy. Since Gary did not have time to make friends, no one supported him.

Parents helped their son feel less vulnerable. His father enrolled him in a drumming studio, and on weekends he coached his son on the football field. Soon Gary was accepted into the football team, and he had his own group of friends.

Being new to the school community is a stressful situation for your child. In the groupings that have existed at the school for several years, certain relations have already developed. If children in such companies feel insecure, they are likely to be suspicious of the newcomer. They think: what if he will change the relationship in our company? What if he takes my best friend away from me?

That is why, if possible, you should not change schools in the middle of the school year - especially when the child is over eight years old. By this time, the children have already broken into companies, and your child may remain an outsider for a long time, until the end of the year.

But what if your son or daughter has to come to a new class? You can help your child in this situation if you remember your own childhood. Adults underestimate the importance of "correct" clothing for a child's status. Take your son or daughter to school before he starts studying there. Look at how other children dress and what hairstyles they wear - if certain shoes or jeans of one model are especially fashionable, try to buy them for your child. Of course, make sure that he himself wants this, because some people really like to be different from others.

Teach your child to respond calmly and with humor to possible comments and ridicule in their direction - how they react to this from the very beginning depends on their attitude towards them in the future.

All of us from time to time meet adults who do not know how to get along with others - they argue too much, or impose their point of view, or are not interested in anyone but themselves. We say in such cases: "He does not know how to communicate at all." Similarly, children may lack communication skills. But, unlike adults, children instantly become victims of their peers - they are rejected, teased or ridiculed. Therefore, between the ages of five and thirteen, a child needs to learn how to communicate and make friends, sometimes with the help of parental prompts.

The process of joining a group is always the same. Here seven-year-old Robbie sees a group of boys playing ball during recess. Robbie really wants to join them, but he doesn't know how. The result depends on what he does now - whether or not he will be accepted into the game and into the company.

What should Robbie do? Take your time and pay close attention to what is happening. Sit at the edge of the group and observe the behavior of others. Then slowly and unobtrusively try to enter the game. Here Robbie began to run along with the others along the edge of the field, not trying to grab the ball. Then he exchanged a few words with a boy who was running around, and finally, when everyone seemed to accept him in the game, one of the boys shouted: "Hey, Rob, catch!" And only after playing for a while, Robbie dared to propose a new rule of the game.

If the boy tried to unceremoniously get into someone else's company, immediately challenge the rules and try to control the situation without understanding the relationship between the children, he would most likely not be accepted into this group. Direct question "Can I play too?" could help only if it was addressed not to the team, but to one child.

By the way, a positive attitude and a good mood is an excellent "pill" that helps the child establish relationships with other children. In my childhood, when I went to a new school, my father would tell me to be friendly with everyone, to smile more often and not to impose my opinion too much. And it has always worked!