Everyone knows that a child, being in the womb, is connected with her through the umbilical cord, and thanks to ultrasound machines, this can even be seen with your own eyes. But not many, alas, understand that after the umbilical cord is cut off, the connection between mother and child still remains. The truth is invisible. But the fact that this connection cannot be seen does not make it less significant.
Two in one
It all starts with new life according to the laws of nature, it originates in the body of a woman. This phenomenon is natural and at the same time surprising. Agree, this is, in fact, an ordinary miracle, when two people suddenly begin to live in one person.
For the period of pregnancy, a mother and child have a lot in common for two: blood circulation, nervous and endocrine systems, respiratory system, metabolic processes. The mother's body removes all the waste products of the fetus, performing the function of the kidneys and digestive tract for it. Through the mother's body, the child is provided with oxygen, proteins, fats, carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals and all other vital substances. Mom and fetus have one common immunity for two. And what strong emotional, psychological and energy connections are established between
mom and baby during pregnancy!
In such an inseparable unity "two in one", mother and baby spend 9 months.
Think how long this is! It's 40 weeks!! Whole 280 days!!! Naturally, during this time, mother and baby develop not just physical unity, but also the habit of being connected into one whole, and a huge need for this inseparability. Can this whole complex of relationships really disappear in an instant, thanks only to the fact that during childbirth the umbilical cord connecting the mother with the baby is cut off?! Of course no.
Two as one
At the long-awaited and happy moment of birth, another ordinary miracle occurs, when mother and baby, previously connected together, are separated, and life within life turns into a separate life of a newborn child. Have you ever thought that the phrase “the baby was born” does not reflect the beginning of the baby’s life as such (after all, the beginning was in the womb), but precisely the beginning of his other life, separate. However, despite this, the attachments formed over 9 months of intrauterine life make the baby still crave the presence of his mother, expect her care, seek security in her, demand that she provide him with everything vital. A newborn, although it may already exist outside the mother's body, nevertheless cannot yet exist without a mother. This feeling underlies the attachment of the baby to the mother, which persists after birth. And do not forget that the emotional closeness of the mother with the newborn, their psychological and energy relationship is preserved. All this is the components of that very invisible umbilical cord. This is how it turns out that mother and baby are once again inseparable after birth. True, in a new capacity - two as one.
Let's take animals for example...
There is such a special term "imprinting", which is called the process of the relationship between mother and newborn in the animal world, namely, the fact that females do not part with their cubs after childbirth. And they don’t just not part, but are in close (in the literal sense of the word) contact: they press, warm, lick, “envelop” themselves and feed them with milk almost immediately after childbirth.
It turns out that instinct tells animals a 100% correct decision. As a result of a series of experiments on animals, scientists have found that the artificial removal of a cub from its mother has a very harmful (even, one might say, detrimental!) effect on its development, including that it can lead to any mental abnormalities.
A natural question arises: why, when talking about imprinting, only animals are mentioned? Moreover, a variety of animals: monkeys, dogs, birds, lions, foxes, wolves and even fish ... But what about people? Why is the concept of "imprinting" not typical for them? Why is everyone actively discussing the problem of freeing mothers (with the help of artificial feeding and nannies) from the need to be near the child around the clock? Why does attachment to a child become a burden for women, but not for females? Maybe because animals act instinctively, and people tend to reason: “I want this, I don’t want this. So it’s convenient for me, but it’s not convenient.”
Animals are closer to nature, and the laws of nature push them to imprint. Watch your pets. Cats, for example. What do you feel when you look at a cat with kittens? Doesn't their image evoke a feeling of complete harmony, without any additional scientific justification for this phenomenon? So maybe it’s worth just taking an example from animals in this matter ?!
All by science
The postpartum period for both mother and baby is called for both a period of biologically heightened sensitivity of perception. This is understandable, because during pregnancy their biological rhythms were synchronized, consonant. The mother responded to the actions of the child, the child - to the actions of the mother. The moment of birth disrupts the usual course of these rhythms. And first of all, this is a shock for the newborn, as a result of which he finds himself in an unbalanced state. The presence of a mother nearby helps to restore the lost balance. It is the mother who can help the baby overcome the so-called “birth stress” and return it to a state of harmony. Scientists compare the role of the mother in this process with the action of a magnet, leading to the ordering of iron chips scattered on the surface.
Many experts who have studied the problem of the relationship between mother and baby agree that 3 stages of such a relationship can be distinguished:
- The first 2 hours of a child's life (primary bonds).
- 24 hours after childbirth (secondary bonds).
- 9 months after childbirth (tertiary bonds).
Primary Bonds
This is undoubtedly the most significant period for a newborn. It is most favorable for the complete neutralization of generic stress. What is important at this stage?
Firstly, the feeling of maternal warmth, which helps to maintain the optimal temperature for the baby. Secondly, the first touch to each other. That is why, immediately after birth, you need to put the baby on the mother's stomach, give him the mother's breast. At the first feeding, the connection broken by cutting the umbilical cord is instantly restored. The child, as in the womb, feels tremendous protection - on an emotional level, on a psychological and biological level, absorbing with mother's milk, as well as through the umbilical cord, everything that he needs for life. I'm not talking about how important this first feeding is for the mother's health. Stimulation during feeding of the nipple causes the production of a hormone that activates uterine contractions, which reduces the likelihood of postpartum complications and accelerates the production of milk. Everything in nature makes sense.
During this period, the first external contact is established. You need to look into each other's eyes, not forgetting only that the newborn sees best at a distance of 20-25 cm, which, by the way, corresponds to the distance from the nipple to the mother's eyes during feeding. You need to talk to the newborn. It has been proven that the sound of a mother's voice immediately calms the child. And of course, at this stage, the manifestation of love and tenderness is important. It is necessary to stroke, caress the entire body of the child, gently touching it with one fingertips. The manifestation of love and tenderness, in addition to pleasure, brings invaluable benefits to the baby. In the first minutes after birth, the child adapts to breathe air, and caressing his skin, where there are many nerve endings, we stimulate the breathing process.
Secondary Bonds
At this stage, the immediate (inseparable) closeness of mother and child is of great importance. In the first 24 hours, the mother and the newborn are establishing all the relationships in new, yet unusual for both conditions of coexistence.
They used to say: “Do not take the child in your arms!” Now they allow: “Take it!” They used to say: “The child should sleep in a separate bed!” Now they say: "Let the child sleep with his mother, next to her, feeling her warmth and breath."
Precisely in order to ensure the possibility of finding mother and child together, maternity hospitals are now organizing mother and child wards. A newborn is more comfortable not with a stranger, even if he has a medical education, but with his family, with his mother.
Tertiary bonds
At this stage, the most important requirements for a full and harmonious development baby is peace, security and a sense of home. Therefore, the shorter the period of stay of mother and child in the hospital, the better. In principle, now they don’t try to keep them in the hospital for a long time, as before.
Having got home with the baby, mothers should not forget that their motherhood is just beginning. No need to assume that now, at home, you can rely on the help of loved ones, and devote less time to the baby. The baby needs a MOM. The invisible umbilical cord binds you more strongly than you think.
The stage of tertiary bonds is the longest. It lasts approximately 9 months. Exactly like pregnancy. The coincidence of these two periods in duration, of course, is not accidental. How long mother and child existed as "two in one", the same amount of time is needed to get used to the new conditions of existence - "two as one".
During childbearing close contact is established between the mother and the fetus, which is carried out mainly through the umbilical cord. Already in the second trimester, the child drinks, according to estimates, from 15 to 40 ml amniotic fluid, the smell of which is similar to the smell of a secret secreted by the areola of the mammary gland. This diet prepares the baby for further breastfeeding. Thus, the child learns to recognize his real mother literally by smell. Of course, the baby feels the mother's biorhythms, her emotions and experiences, the beating of her heart. After the baby leaves the womb and loses the last connection with the mother at the moment of cutting the umbilical cord, the “birth crisis” sets in. The baby enters a whole new world.
The aquatic environment is being replaced aerial not so warm and humid. Gravity begins to act on a small organism and a large number of antigens - bacteria, viruses, fungi - fall upon it. A newborn is exposed to many stimuli at once: sounds, light, touch and many others that did not disturb him in the womb. All this is a huge stress for the child, and in order to smooth it out, it is necessary to make the transition from one environment to another as smooth as possible. This is achieved through maternal warmth, smell, voice, touch and, of course, breastfeeding.
The relationship of the child with the mother in the first hours after birth
The first hours after the appearance child into the world - one of the most important periods in the formation of the bond between mother and child. Experts have established a direct parallel between how often a baby cries and how much time the mother spent with him in the first hours after birth. Weak contact between mother and child can result in further psychological problems in the development of the baby and lack of attachment to the mother. Touching the mother for a child is necessary not only from a psychological, but also from a physiological point of view. Body contact helps the newborn to regulate its own body temperature, the amount of hormones and enzymes released, and all metabolic processes in general. Communication is established already in the first minutes after birth. When the child is placed on the mother's stomach, his unconditioned reflex is turned on, he finds the nipple and gives rise to the lactation period.
However, maintaining close connection With newborns important not only to him, but also to the mother herself. Experts concluded that crying and the amount of contact with it also affect the process of milk production. In addition, the first 30 minutes of contact immediately after birth turn on the maternal instinct, which is inherent in every woman to one degree or another. The formation of a strong bond between mother and child is facilitated by the fact that both of them are in a state of strong emotional outburst. The child is due to the transition to another environment and the loss of physiological connection with the mother. Mother - due to the loss of communication with the child and a feeling of euphoria, joy due to the fact that the baby was born. Feeling in unison, mother and her baby unite under the influence of strong emotions.
Mother-child bonding during breastfeeding
Breast-feeding is a very important aspect in the process of normal psychological development child because it is a kind of form of communication. At this moment, the baby feels the familiar smell of a loved one, the mother's heartbeat, her breathing, hears a voice, feels gentle touches and feels completely protected. Therefore, it is so important in the process of feeding to talk with the child, stroke him, cuddle him.
Mom-to-baby bonding while breastfeeding
There are situations when child yourself refuses . Many mothers experience a certain sense of guilt because of this, exposing themselves to stress and psychological distress. It is important to remember that in such a situation, the mother is not at all to blame. In this case, you have to resort to feeding with expressed milk. Of course, all the benefits of feeding still take place, and at the same time, the baby receives the substances and protective agents he needs, strengthens his immunity. But the connection with the mother, present at the time of breastfeeding, disappears if the baby is given a bottle by the father, grandmother or nanny, and this is observed quite often.
It should not be forgotten that over time the process feeding completes already faster, and if a newborn baby feeds for 30-40 minutes, then by three months 15-20 minutes are enough for him. And bottle feeding can take even less - just 10 minutes. In addition, the contact is not so strong if the child is fed without taking it out of the crib. In order not to lose touch, the mother needs to feed the baby with expressed milk as often as possible, while taking him in her arms, as in breastfeeding, touching and talking. Always remember that the process of feeding has a communication function to about the same extent as nutrition, so do not neglect it in order to have strong contact with your child.
Communication between mother and child with artificial feeding
If self-feeding milk for some reason, it became impossible, the task of the mother again comes down to not losing the connection with the child that appeared during pregnancy. Undoubtedly, the selection of a suitable nutritional formula plays an important role, a pediatrician will help you with this, and we partially touched on this issue in previous articles, considering what to feed children with digestive problems.
However, if breastfeeding feeding was not at all, this can cause a total lack of maternal attention. To avoid this, the mother should bottle feed the baby herself, stroking him, and looking into the baby's eyes. It is important that the baby's hands remain free so that he can touch his mother on his own. Do not forget that bottle feeding takes much less time than breastfeeding, so after the baby has eaten, you need to hold him in your arms for a while. This is important to comply with certain temporary rules while maintaining communication.
Thus, feeding- an act of communication between mother and baby, which affects the further development of parent-child relationships, the harmonious development of the child's personality.
SYMBIOTIC ASPECTS OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD
N.V. SAMOUKINA
In the unstable conditions of the transition period and crisis, people need values that they can "lean" on and that do not collapse under any political and socio-economic breakdowns. Such eternal values, undoubtedly, are in the sphere of personal relationships - friendships, love and family. And in this area, the core that carries the main burden of people's value expectations regarding love and support, of course, is the relationship between mother and child. The life goals of a generation can radically change, the state in which a person was born can disappear, the usual names of the streets on which he lived, met with loved ones and walked with children can be lost, the institution in which he worked ceases to exist, but the mother’s love given to him from the beginning of life, will remain with him forever, nourishing him with his life-giving warmth.
"Pumping" the main "array" of internal energy of a value and emotional order from professional, social and other relations to the "most eternal" and "purest" relations, which are the relations between mother and child, no matter how sad it sounds, begins to deform and destroy precisely these are the most important relationships. Desperate to find her life niche in a collapsing world, the mother transfers all her strength to the child, trying to become a "wall" for him, protecting him from the difficult problems of his current existence. In turn, a child (of any age), faced with the aggressiveness and danger of the outside world, seeks to find a "quiet refuge" and protection in maternal love. As a result, both of them make their relationships excessively saturated, intense, interdependent and even painful, trying to realize themselves in them and only in them, since a full-fledged realization in a distorted external world is difficult or impossible. They live for each other and do not let go of each other, thus creating the only opportunity mutual love and warmth and at the same time mutual lack of freedom and an incomprehensible, unnaturally closed circuit.
X In one of the southern cities, after a seminar, a respectable man of mature years approached me. He asked to receive his elderly mother, who began to show sclerotic phenomena. When talking with him, it turned out that he holds the post of vice president of a large bank in the city, was twice married, divorced and now lives with his mother. They have common money, they shop together, watch TV, walk, relax in the country. And so for several years. When I asked if he had a woman, he replied: "It's useless, with women I have
nothing works: they do not want me, but my money. Mom doesn't want anything from me, she just loves me."
X At the reception - a mother and her son, a teenager. The boy does not go to school while being homeschooled. One does not leave the house, always and everywhere - only with his mother. During counseling, he sits next to her, holding her hand.
There is a father in the house, but, being the owner of a large company, he works hard and rarely communicates with his son. In relations between spouses - the distance that the husband experiences as natural, and the wife does not accept it and suffers. The son became for her the only person on whom you can "pour out" your love and whom it was scary to let go of yourself, because the work and constant overload of her husband cause her rejection: "I don't want my son to be the same as her husband".
X In the family - grandfather, grandmother, divorced mother and her twelve-year-old daughter. For about three years, the girl does not go to school, being home-schooled. Reason: the mother is afraid that at school her daughter will contract a viral infection, learn profanity, be subjected to violence, and finally try drugs. The mother's fears for the health and upbringing of her daughter became apparent during her divorce from her husband, which occurred after the husband lost his job. "Another life", which arose in Russia, remained for the young woman incomprehensible, terrible and causing only destruction to her and her family, and it was from this life that she sought to protect her child.
X At the consultation - a mother with her son, a second-grader. She carefully takes off his coat, straightens his clothes, smoothes his hair and leads him into the office. Complaint: the boy is passive in the lessons, does not answer the teacher's questions, although he prepares homework well. In front of me is a child with open and trustingly open eyes, almost not entering into communication. Every time he asks a psychologist, he turns to his mother, as if asking her how and what to answer. And the mother is responsible for the son.
The family consists of a father, mother and two sons. A few years ago, the eldest, who was brought in for a consultation, almost died due to the fault of his father: they were crossing the street in the wrong place, and the boy was hit by a "new Russian" car. The mother spent a long time in the hospital, nursing her child, and the father went to work in the company of a man whose car hit his son. The family continues to exist, but the mother has a constant fear for the life of the child, and the father is completely removed from education.
The article offered to the reader does not contain a fundamental theoretical analysis, it is written in order to make the strange, contradictory and, in a psychological sense, unnatural relationship between a mother and a child - not only pre-adolescent, but already grown up and become an adult - become clearer.
How does the emergence and formation of such a relationship between mother and child in their everyday life every day, for many months and years? What influences does the mother make and what responses does the child take? How can a psychologist react to this? What to take as a point of internal support in a conversation with a mother and her adult child? How can a consultant psychologist approach the correction of these relations, shrouded for people living in Russia with an aura of holiness? What actions of the mother should be classified as positive and developing, and which - as negative and destructive? Can a child who has become an adult, first with the help of a psychologist, and then independently, rebuild his relationship with his mother, or is he forced to come to terms with her powerful maternal instinct?
Let us turn to some works in which the search for answers to these questions was carried out. So, in his monograph "Mother's Right" I.Ya. Bachofen singled out not only the positive aspect of the attachment of the child to the mother, but also the negative one. The first aspect is manifested in the unconditional love of the mother, because she loves the child not for something, but precisely because he is her child. All mother's children have equal rights to her love and care.
because they are her children. The negative aspect of attachment is manifested in the fact that it can interfere with the development of a person's individuality, since he remains for her (and, as a result, for himself) a child at a time when, in fact, he has already become an adult.
E. Fromm also described the positive and negative aspects of maternal love, conducting a comparative analysis of fatherhood and motherhood in this regard. Many of the things he said come up in modern psychological counseling. It must be remembered that for E. Fromm, maternal love was all-preserving, all-protecting and all-encompassing, while father's love was associated with submission or rebellion. Attachment to the mother is a natural, natural attachment (unconditional love), attachment to the father is an artificial system of relationships based on power and law (conscience, duty, law, hierarchy, oppression, inequality, submission).
The "positive" relationship with the father lies in the possibility, depending on the child's own activity: the father's love can be earned, it can be achieved. "Positive" maternal love - in its unconditional, given at birth. The negative aspects of father's love are connected with the fact that it is precisely obedient child(continuity is evident, but there are also limitations in innovation). The "negative" of maternal love is that it cannot be won in any way and by nothing: either it exists or it does not. And this is the tragedy for the child: if the mother does not show her unconditional love for him in "healthy" ways that make him develop (even in obedience), he cannot achieve her love, he has only neurotic ways: regression, infantilization, decline from the level of its development to the state of the child.
The tragedy of the relationship between mother and child lies in the fact that even in the case of receiving unconditional maternal love at the time of birth and accepting it as protection and support, in the process of growing up the child becomes (and should become!) Independent and autonomous from the mother, must separate and leave from her into "my life". The ringing sadness and longing of the mother's loneliness during the period of separation of her child and the deep feeling of the beginning "orphanhood" of the child himself, his constant and far from always satisfied, and in recent years most often unsatisfied, the need for emotional acceptance, support and security - this is the "fee" for growing up and autonomy, and now in Russia - for the destroyed values of human relations.
Accepting the fact that there are not only positive, but also negative aspects in parent-child relations, A.I. Zakharov describes cases of a mother's overprotection of her child (overcare, overprotection, overprotection) associated with control of a permissive or restrictive nature. A.V. Chernikov writes about the "double clamp" phenomenon, E.G. Eidemiller and V.V. Yustitsky describe violations of the mother's role behavior in the family and her feelings about this. V.V. Stolin fixes the presence of suggestion on the part of the mother and considers cases of mystification when the mother communicates with the child and behaves as if he had certain qualities. At the same time, more often it seems to imply qualities of the child that have a negative characteristic.
So, the negative aspects in the relationship between mother and child were described earlier by foreign and domestic researchers. But we do not find a detailed analysis of the process itself, in which at first imperceptible, and then destructive
internal changes, as a result of which these relations from positive and developing turn into negative and overwhelming.
In order to understand how the relationship between mother and child is actually formed, it is necessary to find a logical scheme of analysis that allows one to "grasp" the dynamics of the emergence and implementation of progressive and regressive tendencies in their relationship. In our opinion, one of these logical schemes can be found within the framework of the design approach. Despite the fact that the theoretical and methodological possibilities and heuristics of this approach are shown in works devoted to the construction of a cultural-historical concept and the theory of developmental education, nevertheless, in our opinion, the methods of thinking of the researcher developed in its "layers" can be constructively applied in the analysis of problems of parent-child relationships.
It is important to separate the concepts of "design" and "projection". Projection is a transfer by a person of his own unacceptable and unconscious motives to an explanation internal causes actions and deeds of people around. When explaining their personal difficulties by external causes, a person relieves himself of responsibility and achieves calm in a non-constructive, neurotic way.
Designing is the process of forming certain qualities in a child or an adult, in which there is always a model that acts as the beginning of the formation process and at the same time its goal. The projection that the mother carries out in the process of building her relationship with the child and cultivating certain qualities in him may or may not contain projection, but is never exhausted by the latter. Social norms and stereotypes, social and economic conditions of life, the personal history of the mother in her relationships with men in general and with the father of the child in particular, the level of education and personal development, the ability for constructive reflection and self-awareness, finally, the ways of interaction with her parents learned by the mother , - all these and many other components, except for the projection, saturate the process of designing by the mother of the psychological characteristics of her child.
Psychological design in the relationship of mother and child. When pregnancy occurs, a woman goes through the path of not only physiological preparation for childbirth. Together with her husband, she begins to think about who will be born - a boy or a girl, what kind of child will be and what kind of mother she will be. She discusses the birth of a child with relatives and friends, walks down the street and pays attention to babies, looks at her childhood photos, asks her mother about what she herself was like as a child...
In a word, a living, pulsating and changing image of her unborn child arises and forms in her mind, gradually taking shape from fragments of her childhood memories and adult impressions, her preferences, desires and aspirations. Just as a developing fetus in her body is pierced by blood vessels that feed it, so in her mind the image of an unborn child is pierced by living "threads" of her soul and character, her past experience and the experience of her parents.
It is important to emphasize that long before the birth of a child, the mother treats him in a certain way: she loves and wants him to be born, or perceives his future birth as an extra burden and gives birth to a child under the pressure of circumstances (for medical reasons, you cannot have an abortion, "We have been living without children for a long time and sometime you have to give birth, then it will be too late, "etc.). Exactly:
the child has not yet been born, and his psychological "project" already exists in the expectations of the mother, by her attitude towards him, she already assumes that he has certain personality traits, character and abilities. And after birth, consciously or unconsciously, the mother begins to communicate with him in accordance with her original project.
Of course, a child is not a "blank canvas" on which only the mother paints his portrait. In the course of development, he himself also strives to create his own self-portrait. He leaves some paints imposed by his mother, in some shades he changes them, but he refuses some maternal touches. But the fact is that he is approaching a "psychological canvas" on which there is already a portrait of himself painted by his mother.
Transfer and assimilation of the psychological project. So, in the process of daily care for the child and communication with him, the mother "puts on" the "psychological shirt" sewn in advance, even before birth, on her child. This transfer of the project takes place in a direct and indirect form.
The direct form of the transfer of the project is the words in which the mother's assessment of her child and her attitude to what he is doing or has done are expressed. The indirect form is the views of the mother, the intonations of her voice, interjections, touches, her actions and deeds. Quite often, in the process of direct transmission of her expectations, the mother acts consciously, and in the case of an indirect form of projection, unconsciously. But the boundary between active consciousness, volitional striving, spoken words, on the one hand, and spontaneous movement, accidentally sounded intonation, unexpected look or act, on the other, is extremely thin and plastically changing, therefore, the selection of these two ways of designing by the mother of her child is very conditional.
This transfer of the project can be expressed by the mother in positive or negative ways that create the emotional background in which the child lives and develops throughout the many years of his childhood, adolescence and adolescence. The positive way of transmission is expressed as follows: "you are good", "I love you", "you will succeed". Negative way: "you are worse than I would like", "if you are better, I will love you", "if you are the way I want, you will be fine".
In the first case (with a positive way of transferring the project), the child receives from the mother - as a spiritual inheritance - the opportunity to treat himself well, initially and, without any doubt, positively accepting himself ("I respect myself because I am a Human") . In the second case, he rushes about and painfully doubts his own self-worth, as if rejecting his human being ("I am the worst of all", "I have nothing to respect myself for").
Assimilation of positive or negative self-esteem by a child occurs not only at the level of formation of his acceptance or rejection of himself, but also at the level of his dominant emotional mood (activity, energy or depression, apathy), general life philosophy (optimism or pessimism), orientation and attitudes (struggle for oneself or submission to the influence of circumstances). These unspoken "contents" of emotional background states are "recorded" into the unconscious sphere of the child's psyche, as files are recorded in the computer's memory, and act either in the form of a "system block" (background state), or in the form of psychological "files" opened by life (actions performed by a person , sometimes unexpected for him).
Units of transmission and assimilation of the psychological project. Transmission by the mother
a positive or negative attitude towards their child and, accordingly, the formation of their self-attitude - acceptance or rejection of themselves - can be decomposed into certain "units" of their verbal or non-verbal communication.
Thus, one can observe how the child is assigned positive or negative qualities that he does not have or that have not yet manifested in his behavior.
Positive attribution is, in essence, assignment to the child of the nearest "development zone" as a progressive perspective of his inner movement. In this case, the mother communicates with the child as if he had positive, “strong” sides of his personality and character (“Why did you take this toy in kindergarten? I know you are kind and honest. Tomorrow take it to the children, they also want to play ").
Negative attribution is the programming of a regressive lifeline for a child. The mother "sculpts" the negative aspects of her child's personality and character, calling him "bad words" ("Why did you take this toy in kindergarten? You are bad! You are a thief!").
Let's analyze this example. The child took a toy in kindergarten. He took action. For himself, a child is still "no"! He is neither bad nor good! The mother makes him good or bad - through her assessment of his actions. In her own words, she denotes not so much his action as his own: "You are kind and honest" or "You are bad and a thief". The child's action is situational and transient, but the mother's assessment is "recorded" in his internal system in the form of self-assessment and his emotional background state: "I am good" or "I am bad".
Let's think about it: after all, such attribution occurs daily, several times a day and for many years ...
Projection also occurs through the exaltation or humiliation of the child by the mother. Ascension: "You're doing great! You know more than me! You know how to do what I can't! You speak correctly, perhaps I will heed your advice." Humiliation: "Still small, listen to what adults say! But what do you understand! Live with mine, then you will understand!"
The exaltation of the mother of her child gives him self-confidence ("If mom praises, then I'm worth something!"). This quality is accompanied by an internal state of active vitality, the desire for self-affirmation and unfolding of one's vitality.
And, on the contrary, humiliation programs his self-doubt ("If mom scolds, then I'm not worth anything, I'm a nonentity!"). Such a quality as uncertainty goes "in parallel" with the internal state of over-anxiety, reduced vitality, and a tendency to depression.
The transfer of the psychological project by the mother occurs through the creation of a zone of freedom and opportunities or restrictions and prohibitions for her child. Freedom (“Do what you want and see fit”) is the mother's transmission of her trust to the child. And, as you know, you can trust a good, smart and strong person. It is this message that the child "reads" through the channels of the unconscious in communication with his mother.
The consent of the mother with the freedom of the child is also the recognition of his right to his own life. The mother conveys to the child approximately the following content: "I live the way I was able to organize my life. But you can live your own way, the way you can make yourself and your life". Here the mother assumes the psychological equality of herself and her child: "I am a man and I live as I want. And you are a man and you can live as you want."
Assuming the freedom of her child, the mother programs the need for him to rely on himself, on his own independence. It is at this moment that the child arises and develops the ability to be "himself" and build his own life as he wishes. Such a mother's attitude towards her child is extremely useful for him also in terms of the formation of his psycho-physiological system of self-control, self-regulation and reasonable self-discipline.
Restrictions, prohibitions and countless "no" - this is a mother's deep distrust of her child, non-recognition of his right to equality with her. Restrictions and prohibitions hinder or completely block the successful development of the child's self-regulation system, because they force him to constantly and intensely maintain a relationship with his mother ("What is possible and what is not?").
This allows the mother to control and manage her child, because it is she (and only she!) who acts for him as the main forbidding or allowing authority: the child relies on her and believes her, does not rely on herself and does not believe herself. In this case, the mother becomes an externalized, subjectivized "system of regulation" for the child, in which he feels the need now and will need for a long time later. And during periods of drastic changes in society and crises, he will need it all his life.
The transfer of the project also occurs through the rehabilitation or disability of the child. Despite the fact that this unit of communication between a mother and a child concerns, first of all, his physical health, there is also a psychological “lining” of his self-confidence or self-doubt, the formation of his idea of himself as a person capable or unable to protect himself.
Recovery is often expressed in this way: "You can walk through puddles, just make sure that the water does not reach the edge of your boots", "You can walk without a hat, but when it gets completely cold, put on a hood". You can see that gradually, in the second part of her appeal, the mother shows her child that he can protect himself ("... make sure that the water does not flood the edges of the boots", "... put on a hood"). It is important to emphasize that the mother here relies on the activity of the child and programs this activity: "Act, defend yourself!"
Disability is expressed in the fact that the mother evaluates the child himself as in advance not capable of self-defense: “You are so pale, are you sick?”, “You are weak, take a rest, I will do it myself”. Pay attention: "Pale - sick", "Weak - rest". This is the mother's programming of her child's passivity, his inability to defend himself. As we have already said, such programming is often done unconsciously by the mother, she really wants to protect her child, close him with herself, protect him from everything, and from illness too. In this moment is the key to the maternal formula, common in our culture: "A mother wants only good for her child."
Unfortunately, such a mother does not take into account that it is simply impossible to protect her child "always and from everything": the child can only protect himself from the adverse effects of the external environment, through his own activity and through his own actions. Therefore, a reasonable maternal formula should sound something like this: "I will teach you how to defend yourself so that you can protect yourself without me".
Psychological design extends not only to the area of interactions between mother and child, but also to his social status, the position occupied among friends and peers,
in relationships with people. I mean situations in which a mother makes positive or negative comparisons of her child with other children.
In the first case, she positively highlights her child: "You are doing the best", "You are my most beautiful". In the case of a negative comparison, the mother makes a choice in favor of other children: “Everyone is children, like children, only you are so crazy with me”, “Look how smart Lena is! She does everything: she studies better than anyone, well-mannered and neat And I have you - I don’t know what ... "
In the positive and negative comparison of the mother of her child with other children, the projection mechanism is manifested: if the mother is a self-confident person, then, as a rule, she praises her child and positively distinguishes him from other children. If a mother is an insecure person who feels inferior to other people in some way, she will treat her child in the same way, passing on her own insecurity to him.
A psychological project that a mother transmits. You can often hear: "A mother always wants only good things for her child" and "A mother will never advise bad". But the transfer of a negative project is really happening - this is a fact! Let's see what the mother seeks to convey and why she consciously or unconsciously "chooses" negative ways of transmission.
Let's first answer the question: "What?" In our culture, parents want their child: "to be a good, decent person"; "was honest"; "studied well"; "was smart" (usually this means: "remembered the educational material well"); "brought things to a close", etc.
In addition, often a mother wants her child to be able to do what she herself could not do, or to achieve what she herself could not achieve. For example, if a mother had musical abilities, but due to certain life circumstances she was unable to learn music, she seeks to send her child to a music school and expects success from him.
The mother can express her wishes not only regarding the child's activities, but also the level of his claims and desire for success, the desire to have a certain social status, communicate in a certain circle, stand at a certain level of the social hierarchy.
Thus, the mother wants the child to learn the cultural norms of inner life and outer behavior. Of course, positive norms.
Now let's answer the question: "Why?"
Why, despite her desire to make her child good and smart, does the mother still carry out negative projection? There are several reasons for this, let us first dwell on those that determine the mother's conscious choice of negative influences on her child.
First: she was treated the same way by her parents, in particular her mother, and, having no other experience, she believes that with a child "you need to be strict", "keep him under control" and "he needs to be scolded, not praised "("I will praise - the egoist will grow").
Second, if the child is a son, externally and internally similar to his father, with whom the mother divorced, the negative projection can be conscious and quite intense. The woman survived the life drama, is offended, and the son reminds ex-husband. She consciously wants him "not to become what his father was" and puts her efforts to ensure that this does not happen.
Third: the mother is fast and mobile, and her child is slow and inhibited. When interacting with him, she often experiences irritation:
"Well, let's go faster!", "You always dig, because of you I don't have time!" She tries to "remake" the child's temperament, constantly pushing him, because she believes that "in life he will not have time to do anything" .
The unconscious choice of negative projection methods is most often associated with a woman's general dissatisfaction with a difficult life. And this kind of dissatisfaction, being now a fairly common occurrence, is "dumped" on the child ("I feel bad, everything around is bad, and you are bad, unsuccessful").
Quite often, a mother yells at her child and scolds him because of chronic fatigue, nervous exhaustion, or lack of time to explain her demands: "I said, and that's it!", "Do as I said, and don't argue!", "Put your toys away , you always scatter, you can’t do anything yourself! "
If a husband suppresses his wife, she, in turn, can unconsciously suppress her child, involuntarily manifesting her difficult inner state in interaction with him and transferring to communication with the child the style of relations that the husband implements with her.
The attitude of the child to the psychological project of the mother and the ways of its transmission. It should not be thought that the attitude of a mother towards her child should always be positive and gracious. Whether the mother's negative project regarding the formation of a strong, autonomous son and a free, self-confident daughter will "work" or, on the contrary, will make them super-dependent social "cripples", largely depends on the "irradiation dose" and the degree of activity of the mother, as well as on the strength and activity of the child.
In the "force field" of overcriticism and overcontrol, a potentially weak child really becomes "erased", passive and submissive, as if giving his life and himself to his mother. strong child will fight for the opportunity to independently build himself and his life, overcoming the mother's attitudes, and, having matured, leaves her.
A weak child can also leave his mother, asserting his adulthood and desire to "live his own life". But often such care is associated not so much with internal development how much with finding a strong partner and accepting this leadership instead of the leadership of the mother.
However, both strong and weak children inside their consciousness, in the hidden "bowels" of their psyche, can reject themselves. But if the weak often put up with this, then the strong either build a rational program of protection at the level of mind and duty ("I must be strong and independent"), or in turn become over-critical and over-controlling parents for their children. Let us note in passing that authoritarian, dominant and rigid leaders are, in the vast majority of cases, the sons and daughters of precisely authoritarian and powerful mothers.
There is another, rarer "option" for the child to overcome the negative maternal project: escape from reality into the symbolic world of creative self-expression. If in real life in interaction with the mother - complete dependence, control and prohibitions, then a talented person consciously or unconsciously seeks an area of \u200b\u200boccupation in which he would feel free and significant. Such an area can be artistic or musical creativity, scientific work, writing and other activities in which you can freely express your individuality and which are not available for controlling actions on the part of the mother.
Contradictions in the psychological design of the mother. Mother's negative projection is a test for
child, which he can still experience constructively, strengthening his individuality or showing himself in creativity. More serious difficulties arise for the child when the mother behaves with him in a contradictory, ambiguous way. Often this is expressed in the fact that in statements addressed to the child, she expresses a positive attitude towards him, and in her actions and deeds - negative.
So, a mother can speak to her child arbitrarily long and eloquently about her maternal love and how good he is, but her eyes will be cold and distant, and her voice will be alienated and devoid of warm, loving intonations. She can inspire him with the idea that "She is a mother and only wants good for him", but in reality she will be guided only by her own goals in her actions, neglecting the goals of the child. As a result, a contradiction arises between the positive content that is spoken by the mother and which the child hears and understands, and the negative general atmosphere of the relationship, as well as the expression of the mother's face and the sound of the voice that the child sees and hears. The child can also feel the contradiction and discrepancy between the spoken and demonstrated content when observing the actions and deeds of the mother. Doing something, she says: "You need this", but in reality he sees and understands that it is not for him, but only for her.
The inconsistency of the mother's psychological projection can be expressed not only in the discrepancy between what is said and what is demonstrated in relation to her child, but also in the instability of these relations. Today, mom is calm and loving, understands everything and forgives everything. And tomorrow mom is nervous, alienated, does not want to understand and forgive anything. Such sharp swings in the mood and attitudes of the mother are always unexpected for the child, he gets scared and, not understanding the reason, often blames himself for this ("I did something wrong and badly, so she stopped loving me").
In this regard, one can speak of a situational and constant contradiction in the psychological projection of the mother. We spoke above about the form of the relationship between mother and child, in which she constantly shows inconsistency and ambiguity. The action of situationally contradictory psychological projection takes place only in some situations that are super-significant and frustrating for the mother. In these cases, she loses her inner balance and becomes contradictory for the child. In other, more "calm" situations, it can manifest itself more clearly. I'll give you a specific example.
X In one family, it was customary for a ten-year-old daughter to walk in the courtyard of the house in the field of view of her mother and that every time she looked out of the window, the mother could see her child. But one day, with the onset of evening, the mother did not see the girl and began to look for her. The search yielded nothing, and the woman became seriously worried.
When it was completely dark, and she already despaired of finding her daughter, a girl appeared in the back of the yard, running towards her mother. She played with her friends and began to get ready to go home when it began to get dark. The girl rushed to her mother, trying to snuggle up to her, because she herself experienced the fear of getting lost. In turn, the mother also extended her hands to her, but instead of affection and love, she suddenly began to loudly scold the girl for deviating from the agreement and leaving the courtyard of the house.
As you can see, in this case, a situational contradiction arose between maternal love, the joy that the girl was found, and the mother's desire to protect herself from unrest. Such a mother really loves her child, but she has problems in maintaining inner balance in
difficult, stressful situations, as well as in adequate expression of their own experiences regarding the safety of their child. As a result, instead of the joy of meeting her mother, the daughter experienced bewilderment and, possibly, emotional shock from the outburst of irritation from the mother.
The attitude of the child to the contradictory psychological projection of the mother. The contradictory and ambiguous attitude of the mother to the child significantly hinders his personal development. So, there may be certain violations in the emergence and development of his inner image of the Self, as well as in the formation of an attitude towards himself. The child, included in conflicting relationships with his mother, subsequently does not find a place for himself between the definitions of himself: "What am I - good or bad? Smart or stupid? Strong or weak?" Inwardly, he seeks to build his positive portrait - good, smart and strong, but, not receiving support and reinforcement from the mother as the most significant person in this period of his life, he doubts his movement and stops, without molding himself into anything concretely effective and concretely self-perceivable.
If we return to the topic of "psychological portrait", which we touched upon at the beginning of the article, then we can say that the child cannot fully accept the image that the mother offers him because of the ambiguity and inconsistency of the means of influence implemented by the mother in relation to him. But he also cannot "draw" his portrait on his own, because he does not know in what psychological "paints" - light and bright or dark and faded - to dip his "brush".
This contradiction in relations with the mother is especially acute for a teenager who enters the period of formation of his personality. If at this age stage, with her conflicting attitude, consciously or unconsciously, the mother blocked the formation of his image of the Self, self-relationship and self-esteem, he may not build his personality and remain "none", without an internal core, as if an unformed piece of plasticine, amenable to any external influence.
During this period, in his relationship with his mother, a teenager rushes between the desire to have close, trusting relationships with her and the fear of being misunderstood and humiliated by her. In the future, in his later life, without having a stable self-image, he will also rush in a vicious circle: striving for emotional closeness in relationships with other significant people and experiencing fear of the possibility of having emotional closeness with them. He will accept and at the same time reject himself, desire and at the same time fear his partner.
Most clearly, this internal contradiction, which can be defined as "aspiration of fear", manifests itself in the son of a young man in relations with girls. Perhaps less clearly and directly, but still taking place, such a contradiction is also visible in a girl who had an ambiguous relationship with her mother during the periods of childhood, adolescence and adolescence. With all the strength of their souls, both of them strive to love and be loved, but they can also actively or unconsciously avoid close and stable relationships, experiencing incomprehensible anxiety and inexplicable fear.
How does an adult, a man or a woman, who grew up in conditions of contradictory maternal influence, behave?
Overdependence. Unable to build their own image I, son or daughter, as you know, can stay with their mother and live with her all their lives. Wherein
consciously or unconsciously, the mother will tie them to herself, experiencing fear of loneliness and old age, especially if she is a woman who raised a child without a husband. Such children may make attempts to build their own life and their own family, but these attempts are often unsuccessful, and they return "under the wing" of their mother.
Tying her son or daughter to herself, the mother is supercritical about their love interests, always finding certain shortcomings in their chosen ones. By influencing her child, the mother gradually "tears" him from his loved one, creating in him the illusion that "he (she) can find better".
As a result, a lonely son stays with his mother, making up with her a kind of married couple. Without physical incest, such a family is a case of psychological incest. We can say that such a mother, not finding a husband among adult men, grows a husband for herself from her son.
Overdependence on the mother can also be shown by a daughter who returned with a child after an unsuccessful marriage to her mother or who did not marry at all. In these cases, the mother gets the opportunity to organize a kind of family in which instead of one child (daughter), she already has two children (daughter and grandson or granddaughter). She begins to patronize and control not only her daughter, but also her child.
When the daughter returns to her parental home after a divorce, the mother begins "life anew". She again feels young and necessary, active and caring. But, unfortunately, this surge of the mother's vitality is "fuelled" by the daughter's vital energy, the mother, as it were, takes away her life, once again becoming a family leader. And it is not always clear why the daughter could not get along with her husband and was forced to divorce: because she was initially dependent on her mother, infantile and not ready for independent family life, or because the dominance and authoritarianism of the mother in conflict with her son-in-law did not allow her daughter to have a prosperous family?
Both the grandson and the granddaughter, who grew up in such conditions, may not develop their personal lives either. It affects the lack of real experience of full-fledged female, male, love and family relations, in which the boy gets the opportunity to "read" the forms of purely masculine behavior, and the girl - feminine. A young man brought up in such a female family still has certain chances to organize his own family, if only because in Russian conditions he has a fairly wide choice due to the numerical predominance of women over men. A girl from such a "three-story" female family, who observed a lonely grandmother and mother, is practically doomed to loneliness. In the people, this phenomenon is defined as "crown of celibacy".
Becoming lonely people, such grown-up children experience increased anxiety in front of the world, acutely feeling their own insecurity and vulnerability. They are tormented by fears, they are suspicious and suspicious, expecting from the people around them any unseemly acts towards themselves. Often such negative expectations are exaggerated and are not related to the real attitude of people towards them. Fears and experiences of danger make them withdrawn, as if "withdrawn into themselves". They strive to find protection from their mother, who, it seems to them, reliably, like a "wall", closes them from the aggressive and unpredictable outside world.
Addiction. If, however, a child, a young man or a girl, who grew up with such a mother, nevertheless built his own family, typical for such
cases of psychological difficulties. Thus, a son often remains dependent on his mother, being physically an adult, and psychologically an immature and infantile child. People usually call such a young man a sissy. If he married a girl who is soft, emotional and weak in character, the older woman (mother-in-law) will retain and even increase her influence over her son. He will be guided by her opinion, ask her advice, give her money, etc.
But most often, such a son chooses as his wife a woman who is strong and transmits a maternal position in love relationships in order to unconsciously end his relationship with his mother. In his family, he manifests himself contradictory and ambivalent: on the one hand, such men express a demand that they accept their male leadership, on the other hand, they really act as dependent on their wife. As a result, a woman is forced to "play along" with her husband: to pretend that he is the main one in the family, but to really make decisions, earn money, take care of family affairs, raise children, i.e. be a family leader.
Unconsciously still experiencing pressure from his mother, such a son can "dump" his irritation on his wife, striving to "finish" himself with her and become an adult and mature. Such a desire is often expressed in unjustified aggression towards his wife, a focus on personal self-affirmation, and even some male tyranny. The aggressiveness of such a dependent husband is often enhanced by the fact that he subconsciously feels guilty towards his mother for having to leave her for another woman - his wife.
There may be another solution to the problem - the husband's conscious acceptance of the leadership of his wife. Often such men call their wife "mother", and she does not have to be older than her husband. But families in which a woman is physically and psychologically older than her husband and in which she leads, and he unquestioningly obeys her, are built according to the type of parent-child relationship in which the husband acts as if the "son" of his wife.
Such families are stable and stable if the wife is an active, energetic woman, formed according to the type " older sister". He seeks to receive care, she seeks to take care. But families break up if next to an immature husband, a child is the same immature wife, a child. People call such daughters mother's daughters. The wife's infantilism is manifested in the fact that she retains her dependence on her mother, who begins to lead in the family of young spouses: make decisions, distribute money, raise grandchildren as their children, and so on.
If a young husband seeks independence, he will fight for his family, conflict with his mother-in-law, and strive to "tear" his wife from her mother. In case of success, the family will survive, in case of failure, the husband leaves, and the daughter with the children remains with her mother.
Who is guilty? Considering the sad personal stories of lonely people, one often asks the question: who is to blame - the mother, son or daughter? Professional experience shows that this typically Russian question can be answered as follows: everyone is to blame - both the mother and the children.
the head of the family, in which her partners are a son or daughter, she acquires the illusion that she lives a family life.
Therefore, the mother commits two life mistakes. The first mistake is that she does not know how to overcome the relationship style she has learned, not understanding and not feeling that incomplete family, in which she grew up, is rather not a rule, but a sad exception. A mother who lives, repeating the experience learned in her parental family, usually argues like this: "My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And my son (daughter) will live alone (alone)." For comparison, here is the logic of the reasoning of a mother who seeks to overcome the stereotype of dysfunctional relationships in which she was brought up: "My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And I will be happy if my son (my daughter) has a family".
The second mistake of a mother is that she was unable to "set free" her child, son or daughter, at that age period when they needed it. This is primarily adolescence, when the child goes through the path of personal maturation, as well as the period of youth, when a son or daughter develops their own love attachments.
Thus, during adolescence, a mother must necessarily recognize the autonomy and independence of her child, despite the fact that she may experience difficult and painful experiences. At this time, mothers usually say this: “I completely stopped (a) obeying. She does everything in her own way!” In fact, every teenager wants to be independent and independent, since such a desire is the main life task of his age development. The child will not pass this period successfully - for the rest of his life he can remain dependent and infantile.
When a son or daughter has the first love affections, the mother usually says this: “I gave my whole life to him, and he, ungrateful, only thinks about her!” (“I gave my whole life to her, and she, ungrateful, only thinks about him !") or: "And what did he find in her!?" ("And what did she find in him?!"). During this period, the mother does not take into account the life task of her son and daughter, who begin to go through a happy and at the same time difficult path of mastering the role of a man and a woman, in the future, respectively, of a father and mother.
It is impossible to be one-sided, blaming only the mother, who in her motherhood is looking for a way of salvation from loneliness. Of course, this search for a mother carries the features of inertia, an inability to be creative in life and maternal egoism, but the relationship of the two is always bilateral, both participants make their “contribution” to their content: both the mother and the child. It is quite justified to speak here of the fault of the child.
A son or daughter entering the period of adolescence and youth can be accused of not fighting for themselves, for their growing up and for their independent life. In a sense, they use the mother, her life force and experience, experiencing fear of growing up. After all, to become an adult is to take on obligations, to learn social norms and prohibitions, to accept the duty of love, motherhood or fatherhood. All this is hard daily work, performed not so much at will and in accordance with the principle of pleasure, but out of a sense of duty and in accordance with the principle of objective necessity.
So, a teenager striving for independence and independence must learn to communicate, understand
people, set their own goals and strive to achieve them. In addition, a teenager must understand himself, "draw" his individual psychological portrait, form his inner image of I. Solving these life tasks is difficult, but necessary.
A young man or girl, entering into a love relationship, should gain experience of caring for another person, forgiveness and self-sacrifice. At the birth of a child, they must learn not so much to take as to give - themselves, their strength, energy and life time - to a small creature. Obviously, it is incredibly difficult to do this physically and psychologically, and the always existing temptation to hide from life's problems "under the mother's wing" is very great.
The guilt of a son or daughter who has not become truly adults can be briefly formulated as follows: the rejection of life's work and the choice in the direction of an easier life path, free from obligations, debt and self-sacrifice, building one's life according to the principle "I want, and give".
Despite the fact that outwardly such adult children live simpler and easier, not burdening themselves with worries and expenses, they "pay" for it incredibly dearly - by their rejection of their own future. Indeed, sooner or later, the mother will complete her life and leave her grown-up son (or grown-up daughter), and the latter will have an empty house and a lonely old age.
Alas, sad fate!
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Received 5.X.1999
source unknown
The concept of bonding was proposed by Drs. M. Klaus and J. Kennell in their classic book, The Ties Between Mother and Child. These scientists argue that in humans, as in animals, there is a "perceptual heightened period" immediately after birth during which mothers and newborns are programmed to connect with each other and care for each other. Comparing mother-child pairs, who were inseparable immediately after the birth of the child, with those who did not contact, they concluded that later the former turned out to be more attached to each other.
When this idea made its way into the delivery rooms, it was met with mixed reactions. Parents and pediatricians were enthusiastic about it, mostly because it made sense. Behavioral researchers were skeptical that the first hours spent together by mother and child could have a long-term effect.
We have carefully studied the concept of communication. We studied the work of other researchers and made observations ourselves and came to conclusions that, we hope, are quite reasonable.
Communication between mother and newborn
Emotional closeness is essentially a continuation of the relationship that began to take shape during pregnancy, it was strengthened by the constant awareness of a new life growing inside the mother. The physical and chemical changes that take place in your body remind you of the presence of a child. Birth cements the connection, turns it into reality. Now you can see and talk to the little man who used to be just a "bulge", whose movements you felt inside you, whose heartbeat you heard with the help of medical devices. Emotional intimacy transforms your life-giving love for a being within you into caring love for a being outside of you. When the child was inside, you gave him your blood; when he is outside, you give him milk, your eyes, your hands, your voice - your whole self.
The emotional closeness of mother and newborn unites them again. The study of the mother-child bond has been a catalyst for family-oriented delivery management in hospitals. Newborns were transferred from children's rooms to mothers' wards. Mothers have once again regained their central role in the care of newborns.
The inextricable bond between mother and child does not arise immediately and forever. While there is little evidence to suggest that weaning a mother from a child at birth has a negative impact on future parent-child relationships, we believe that the emergence of emotional intimacy during this period of biologically heightened perceptual sensitivity provides a good start for the formation of further relationships. But one cannot think that these initial relationships once and for all cement the relationship between parents and the child. Overestimation of the initial period causes a feeling of hopelessness in mothers who, due to complicated births, were temporarily separated from their babies. The spread of this misunderstanding of the role of the initial period in the formation of further relationships has caused an epidemic of melancholy in mothers who underwent caesarean sections and in mothers of premature babies transferred to intensive care units.
What can be said about children who, by virtue of different reasons(For example, premature birth or caesarean section) were temporarily separated from their mothers? Can the damage caused by the loss of the early contact period be repaired? Without any doubt, it is possible, especially if you do not succumb to despondency. The concept of creating emotional intimacy at an absolutely critical time, now or never, is misguided. Birth, infancy, childhood - there are many periods during which the contact between mother and child is strengthened. If we follow our method of rapprochement, which creates an inextricable bond between mother and child, then after their reunion, the loss of such a significant period of early contact is gradually compensated. We know parents who have adopted children of one week of age, who, after the first contact with them, showed such deep feelings, such care, which were in no way inferior to the feelings of biological parents at the time of the birth of the child.
Newborns and fathers
Most of the studies dealt with the mother-child relationship, while only mentioning fathers with due respect. In recent years, fathers have also come under scrutiny and even earned a special term for the relationship with the baby at the time of birth - "all-consuming attention." We used to talk about the help provided by fathers, now we are talking about all-consuming attention, which means the highest degree of involvement in parental duties and joys. This new term means not only what the father does for the child (holds him in his arms, soothes him), but also what the child does for the father. Close contact with the child after birth develops subtlety in the father.
It is believed that fathers, when they are entrusted with children, do not so much nurse them as guard them. They are on the sidelines, helping the mother while she is busy with the child. This is not entirely true. They have their own approach to the child, and the child needs them.
A study of fathers' behavior shows that when they are given the opportunity to actively participate in the care of newborns, they become just as caring nannies as mothers. They may be a little less quick, slower to open up than mothers, but capable of deep affection for very tiny children.
Communication with the child after caesarean section
A caesarean section is a surgical operation, but it is primarily childbirth, do not forget about it. If a caesarean section is necessary, this does not mean a loss of connection with the child; it just shifts a little in time and the roles change. Fathers are now allowed to be present at births by caesarean section, and it is nice to see a father with a newborn during such a birth. Here are opportunities that help to establish early contact with the baby.
Mother's advice. When using local anesthesia, the so-called epidural anesthesia, you lose sensation from the navel to the fingertips. Unlike general anesthesia, which puts you to sleep during childbirth, epidural anesthesia allows you to stay awake during a surgical procedure and, despite the operation, enjoy the birth of a child. The time of contact with the newborn will be limited, as you are still very weak. You will be able to hold the baby with only one hand, as the other will be occupied by the dropper. Just a few minutes you will spend with the child cheek to cheek, looking at each other. It is important that you felt each other immediately after the birth of the child. Although contact with the baby is established differently after a caesarean section, it nevertheless took place. (On how to establish breastfeeding after a caesarean section.
Father's advice. During the operation, you will be able to sit at the edge of the table and hold your wife's hand. At the moment of birth, you will be able to look behind the sterile sheets and see your baby being removed. The baby will immediately be placed in a special heated box, the amniotic fluid will be sucked out if necessary, they will give oxygen and make sure that all systems are working properly. After everything is done for him (which usually takes much longer than in a normal birth), you or the doctor bring the baby to the mother so that she can be with him for a while and feel his closeness. When the operation is completed and your wife is transferred to the recovery room, you and your child can go to the nursery and work with him. Hold the child, lull him, talk to him, sing a song. If a child needs special assistance, you can sit near the isolation ward - you will be called when it is possible. You can touch your child, the baby will hear your voice. You will find that he will respond to your voice, which he heard all the time in the womb. I have noticed that fathers who have the opportunity to touch and nurse a newborn with their hands immediately after birth have an easier time bonding with the baby later on.
In my time as chief physician of the neonatal unit at the University Hospital and chief physician of the neonatal unit at the local hospital in San Clemente, California, I have repeatedly attended cesarean sections and personally accompanied many fathers (some willingly, others not so much) from the operating room to the ward for newborns. Here is the story of Jim and his child. I met Jim and his wife Mary during the prenatal period, and Mary shared with me that her husband was indifferent to her pregnancy and did not want to be present at the birth. She had no doubt that he would be one of those fathers who does not become interested in his child until he is old enough to throw a soccer ball. Jim believed that childbirth was purely a woman's business, and he could wait in the waiting room. When it turned out that Mary needed a caesarean section, I convinced Jim that he should be in the operating room and be present at the birth of the child. After the baby was born and all his systems were working properly, I wrapped him in two warm blankets and made sure that while the operation was being completed, Mary, Jim and their eldest daughter, Tiffany, talked to the newborn. I then asked Jim to come with me to the neonatal ward. It didn't surprise me at all that his initial reluctance to take part in the birth had completely evaporated. Jim was still under the impression of the operation, but willingly followed me.
In the ward, I told Jim, "I have to be present for the other births. Someone needs to be with the baby, because newborns breathe better when they are petted and talked to." I told Jim what he should do - touch the baby, stroke the back, purr a song, i.e. Treat with the love and care that he is capable of. He looked around, as if making sure that none of his friends could see him, and agreed to these "feminine" tricks. I returned half an hour later, Jim humming a song and stroking the baby as if they had finally found each other. I told him that such a beginning means a lot for the future. The next day, when I was making my rounds and approached Mary, she exclaimed, “God, what happened to my husband? He won’t leave the baby. He just stuck to him. He would breastfeed him if he could. I never I thought this big guy could be so gentle."
Some more tips
Ask to delay routine processing. Often, the nurse who delivers, immediately after the birth of the child, begins to deal with it - she gives an injection of vitamin K, injects a disinfectant into the eyes, and only then passes it on to the mother. Ask your sister to postpone these procedures for about an hour so that the baby can enjoy the first motherly caresses. After disinfection of the eyes, the child temporarily sees less or closes his eyes. The first impressions of the mother are important to the child, he needs to see her.
Stay together. Ask the doctor and nurse to place the baby on your abdomen and chest immediately after birth or after cutting the umbilical cord and suctioning amniotic fluid if everything is fine with you and him.
Let the baby suckle at the breast immediately after birth. Most children just lick the nipple, but there are those who immediately begin to suckle greedily. As already mentioned, this stimulation of the nipple causes the production of the hormone oxytocin, which helps to contract the uterus and reduce postpartum bleeding. It also stimulates the production of prolactin, which accelerates the appearance of milk.
Touch the child. You are pleased to feel that the baby is good to lie the way he settled down: tummy to tummy, cheek to chest; caress all of his body. We noticed that mothers and fathers showed their tenderness in different ways. Young mothers used to caress the entire body of the child, gently touching it with their fingertips. Fathers often put their palms on the child's head, as if showing their readiness to protect this sprout of life that they had given birth to. Stroking the body, in addition to pleasure, benefits the baby. The skin is very rich in nerve endings. When a child begins to breathe air, at first he breathes irregularly, stroking stimulates nerve endings, makes breathing more rhythmic - this is such a medicine, parental touch.
Look at the newborn. A newborn can see best at a distance of 8 to 10 inches (20 to 25 cm). Surprisingly, this corresponds to the distance from the nipple to the mother's eyes during feeding. Hold the baby in front of you, supporting his head so that your eyes meet. Enjoy this eye contact for a short time while the baby is calmly listening to everything after birth (then he falls asleep soundly). Looking into the eyes of a child, you experience a surge of maternal feelings.
Talk to the newborn. During the first hours and days after birth, a special conversation begins between mother and child. Studies have shown that the sound of the mother's voice calms down the child and begins to breathe more rhythmically.
