“AT SESSION #8 1. Adaptation of a foster child and a foster family. OBJECTIVES: General characteristics of personal problems and ... "
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ACTIVITY #8
1. Adaptation of a foster child and a foster family.
GOALS:
General characteristics of personal problems and crises experienced by
foster parents in connection with the appearance of a foster child in the family.
Peculiarities of expectations of foster families. Adult fears, anxieties and disappointments
different periods of adaptation. Preparing relatives for the arrival of a foster child.
Stages adaptation period. Features of the adaptation process for a child in the first year of his residence in a foster family. Feelings and experiences of a child coming to the family. Ways to overcome the difficulties of adaptation.
The tasks of the foster family in the process of adaptation of the family and the child (redistribution of roles, taking into account the individual characteristics of the child, familiarizing the child with the rules and traditions of the foster family, organizing everyday life, study, recreation, health care, contact with relatives and peers).
Changing the family system after the child is placed in the family and the child passes through the age stages of development. Predicting such changes..
2. Typical mistakes of upbringing in a foster family.
Problems of differences in the perception of the actions of a native and adopted child
GOALS:
Familiarization of foster parents with the most common problems in the upbringing of foster children and the reasons for their occurrence; familiarity with techniques that help to overcome the difficulties that arise.
Problems of differences in the perception of the actions of a native and adopted child. Differences in the management of the behavior of a child who grew up in a family and a child placed in a foster family.
The attitude of the foster family to the biological parents and blood relatives of the adopted child and their interaction.
3. Real and imaginary advantages and difficulties of the secrecy of adoption. Possible consequences preservation (non-preservation) of the secret of adoption. How to tell a child that he is adopted?
GOALS:
The need to maintain the secrecy of adoption. Its real and imaginary advantages and difficulties. Possible consequences of the preservation (non-preservation) of the secrecy of adoption. How to tell a child that he is adopted
DESIRED RESULTS.
As a result of the lesson, parents and adoptive parents should:
Clearly represent the process of the device of the child.
To understand that the “bad” behavior of a child who has survived a break with one family and placed in another is natural, and conflicts in the process of adaptation are inevitable.
Understand the feelings of all participants in the process of placing a child in a family.
Be aware of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities as a parent.
HOMEWORK TASKS:
1. Compile, as complete as possible, a list of all known methods and techniques of education.
3. Write a letter to a child who can come to the family.
4. Fill out the questionnaire "Profile "Family. My family now""
LESSON MATERIAL
POSTERS:
STAGES OF ADAPTATION OF THE CHILD IN THE FAMILY
Idealized expectations "Honeymoon"Installation conflicts
CARDS:
CARD "PAVLIK"
Pavlik, 7 years old. Raised by a single mother. When the boy was four years old, she died in an accident. Since that time, Pavlik lives in an orphanage. Of the other relatives - a grandmother, 79 years old, lives in the village, due to health reasons she is not able to raise a child, sometimes she writes letters to him. Family custody is excluded. Recommended for placement in a family, adoption is desirable.
CARD "VANYA"
PHOTOS:
Two identical photographs of a boy of 7-8 years old with the most ordinary appearance.
FORMS OF HOMEWORK (according to the number of students)
MATERIAL FOR HOME READING.
HANDOUT
SESSION 8
1. INTRODUCTION. Facilitator's message Explain to the group that the change of habitual environment and environment is difficult for each of us, and even more so for the child. This lesson deals with the problem of a child entering a new family - the problem of accepting a child, as well as the problem of accepting inevitable changes in life by one's own family.
Remind the group of the material from the last lesson and say that children who enter a new family face many serious problems at once: they were torn out of the family or deprived of friends, because of this they may experience a sense of loss, grief. These emotions can manifest themselves in different ways in the behavior of children, ranging from inappropriate behavior, rudeness, aggression to depression, isolation and withdrawal. Sometimes these emotions do not have an external manifestation and very often are not recognized by the child himself. Therefore, you need to be able to see what is behind such behavior. The best way to do this is to get in touch with your own experiences and feelings.
Getting into a new family, children find themselves in an unusual environment. They are surrounded by households who, on the one hand, want the children to feel at home, on the other hand, they expect that they will not violate the usual way of the family. As a result, children may feel completely disoriented.
The decision to take an adopted child into your family is not an easy and very responsible step that requires a lot of strength and patience from parents. Fortunately, today there are organizations that help the future foster parents in solving many psychological and social problems that may arise after its adoption.
Psychologists pay special attention to the adaptation period, which sometimes lasts about a year: from the moment when the child sees his foster family for the first time, and before he begins to feel like a full-fledged member of it.
It is difficult for a child not only to learn the norms of behavior accepted in the family, but also to understand the ways in which parents try to control his behavior. For example, all the children in the family know that if a mother asks to do something several times, and then silently and sternly looks at them, it means that she is angry, and her request must be fulfilled as soon as possible. The adopted child does not know such nuances. How long do you think it will take him to learn the whole system of interaction in the family? And if he is used to obey, only when they shout at him? It may take a lot of time, you need to understand this and not be angry with the child, do not scold yourself if something does not work out. On the contrary, praise for all small achievements.
Another difficulty for parents is the difference in the perception of the actions of a natural and adopted child, while the fears of foster parents often emerge. For example, if a blood child breaks someone's doll, he will, of course, be scolded, but in general, this incident will be forgotten rather quickly. A doll broken by an adopted child can give rise to a whole range of negative thoughts and fears: what is the reason for this aggression? In general, substitute parents tend to look closely at the behavior of a foster child, and it may be important to find an approach to him, to understand in time what he needs, how to help. But you should not focus only on negative points, it is equally important to note all the positive things in the development of the child, his small successes and achievements, his strengths - this attitude will help you look at things differently, feel a surge of strength and a desire to move on.
Situations where a child has done something really terrible are extremely rare. As a rule, parents worry and scold the child because of actions that, in all honesty, are not so terrible. On the other hand, if the child is at fault, it is important not only to achieve a change in his behavior, but also to maintain a trusting relationship with him, to support him if necessary.
BEFORE THE CHILD IS PLACED IN THE FAMILY. Work in subgroups. Discussion PURPOSE: To think about the feelings of children, foster parents and birth parents that they have during this period.
Show that the feelings of all people at critical moments in their lives are the same, regardless of their age and social status.
Explain that these reasons affect the relationship of all participants in the device process and cause them different feelings. Understanding these feelings can help you avoid misinterpreting other people's behavior. Awareness of one's own feelings can also help the adoptive parents themselves respond adequately to emerging difficulties.
Give each 4 large sheet and markers.
Ask each subgroup to title the sheets:
about the feelings of children.
o Feelings of foster parents.
O Feelings of blood parents.
О Feelings of the workers of the orphanage.
Ask each group to answer the question:
What feelings can arise in all participants in the process before placing a child in a new family?
Ask them to list and write down on each of the sheets the feelings of the participants in the process of placing a child in a family.
Offer to choose a speaker from each subgroup to report in a large group.
Speakers report on the results of the work of the subgroup.
Divide the poster into four parts, title them in the same way as the participants' sheets, and write down the listed feelings, bringing together the results of the work of both groups.
Ask the group to complete the lists. To do this, you can ask leading questions. For example, after drawing the attention of the participants to the fact that there is “fear” in the “Feelings of children” list, ask whether blood parents can also experience fear? future foster parents? Orphanage workers? If necessary, give examples: foster parents may be angry at blood parents, a child may feel guilty towards his family, an employee of an orphanage may be jealous of a child to whom he has become attached to new parents, etc. Thus, after a series of questions, almost all of the above feelings will be repeated in all four parts of the poster.
©@© LARGE GROUP DISCUSSION.
Feelings are not "bad" or "good". All living people have feelings, and in a critical life situation, such as the transition of a child to a new family, all participants experience approximately the same range of feelings, and this range is very wide - from love to anger, from hope to despair.
Common to all participants in the process are primarily feelings of anxiety and fear.
The first step in coping with your own anxiety is to become aware of it, to accept that it is completely appropriate and natural in this situation.
The child experiences everything even more acutely and deeply than an adult, it is his life that changes most dramatically at this moment, it is he who is the most dependent and helpless participant in the process. At the same time, children usually do not know how to recognize and name their feelings, and it is up to the parent to help them in this.
From the point of view of a child, he loses his birth family not at the moment when he enters "neutral territory" - in an orphanage, but when he comes to another family. For him, it is this event that symbolizes the "burning of bridges." Very often, children feel like “traitors” at the same time, they believe that it is they who are to blame for everything. The adoptive parent should be able to support the child, be with him, without demanding ardent reciprocal feelings and gratitude.
Unconscious and unexpressed feelings of guilt, loss, grief, despair, helplessness in a child often manifest themselves in behavior that may seem inadequate to a parent, inappropriate for age. Sometimes such behavior was not characteristic of a child in an orphanage, and therefore the employees of the orphanage could not warn the parent about it. All this can cause a feeling of despair in a parent, lead him to the conclusion that he got the “wrong” child, that he cannot cope with the child. The parent takes responsibility to the child, he should not easily give up or demand to "replace" the child, like a substandard product. No matter how hard it is for a parent and his family during this period, it is almost always much harder for a child, and this must be remembered.
FIRST IMPRESSION. Exercise. Subgroup work and group discussion.
TARGET:
Show how the stereotypes of perception of the environment from which the child came out affect the perception of the child himself.
Divide the group into two subgroups.
Give each subgroup a photo of the child and one of the cards: one group "PAVLIK", the other - "VANYA".
CARD "PAVLIK"
Pavlik, 7 years old. Raised by a single mother. When the boy was four years old, she died in an accident. Since that time, Pavlik lives in an orphanage. Of the other relatives - a grandmother, 79 years old, lives in the village, due to health reasons she cannot raise a child, sometimes she writes letters to him. Family custody is excluded. Recommended for placement in a family, preferably - adoption.
CARD "VANYA"
Vanya, 8 years old. Withdrawn from the family six months ago. Parents drank, did not care for the child. Now the question of depriving them of parental rights. Of the other relatives - a grandmother (59 years old), also a drinker, an older brother (21 years old) - in places of deprivation of liberty. Family custody is excluded.
Ask each group to look closely at the child in the photo and describe their impression of him: like or not, what kind of character he has, how their relationship will develop, what difficulties may arise, etc. Ask the participants to briefly write down the answers on a piece of paper.
Ask a representative from each subgroup to read aloud first the card and then the subgroup's impression of the child. Ask the subgroups how difficult this child seemed to them, how they feel about the prospect of raising him in their family. Show both photos to the whole group - they are the same child.
Discuss with the participants how their perception of the child was influenced by information about the birth family.
Was there a difference in the description of the impression of the child and in the predictions for his development?
Draw the attention of the group to the fact that the descriptions did not say a word about the child himself, his qualities and characteristics. Ask how the participants think: what was in their impressions from carefully looking at the photo, and what was from the card that accompanied it? Stereotypical expectations prevent you from truly seeing and knowing a person, and from the very beginning have a distorting effect on relationships.
The accuracy and fidelity of the first impression is most often exaggerated. You can recognize and understand a person only after a long communication, and even then only to a certain extent. Invite participants to recall cases from their lives when the first impression turned out to be completely wrong or when a long-term and well-known person suddenly surprised them with some act of theirs. Ask them to turn to a neighbor and briefly talk about these experiences.
ENTER THE CIRCLE Exercise OBJECTIVES: To help feel the feelings of the child entering the family.
Show that family members may experience conflicting feelings at this moment.
Content: Several participants (volunteers) go out the door, then are invited one at a time. The group forms a circle, tightly holding hands. The incoming participant is invited to enter this circle. At the same time, the group has an agreement on how a person should behave in order to be let in (polite greeting, request, fulfillment of some condition, etc.). A participant trying to fulfill the conditions and enter the circle tries various forms behavior, trying to guess the unknown arrangement of the group. Some may attempt to enter by force.
©@© LARGE GROUP DISCUSSION:
Ask a volunteer who had to get into the circle how he felt when he looked at these people holding hands? And what did he experience during his attempts?
Ask members of the circle what feelings they had for each other and for the newcomer?
Did they transmit resonance from physical impact on other links of the circle? Draw the attention of the group to the fact that usually when a newcomer appears, people begin to hold hands more tightly, and ask if this is the case in their case.
Tell the group that children entering a new family behave differently, but in any case, their appearance affects all family members and their relationships with each other, even those in which the child is not directly involved.
Features of the adaptation of children in a foster family
Adaptation is a process of active adaptation of a person to environmental changes using various social means. When a child finds himself in a foster family, he begins the process of adaptation.
Adaptation to new family is a two-way process, during which the child gets used to the new family, and family members get used to the adopted child. Usually, the adaptation period lasts 1.5 years from the moment the child is accepted into the family.
The integration process requires a lot of effort and patience from the family and the child. Foster parents and foster child evaluate each other's actions in terms of previous experience.
Adaptation is especially difficult if the child is placed in a family on a permanent basis (adoption) or until the age of majority (guardianship, foster family).
The foster family, for reasons beyond its control, while taking the child into care, has already missed an important stage of early relations with him, that is, the period of formation of the adult's primary attachment to the child. Thus, the foster family always faces the problem of accepting a child. In addition, in relations with an adopted child, parents tend to be more wary than with a blood child. This is often associated with the notion that all orphans and children left without parental care have a “bad heredity”, so even the usual behavior for children of his age is interpreted as an inevitable manifestation of “genetics”. Such an attitude undermines the parents' faith in the positive result of their educational efforts. In a child, primary attachment begins to form in contact with the mother even at the prenatal stage of development and in the first hours after birth. But the child is also able to form a secondary attachment - to love his foster family, consider it his own, and this can happen at any age. The author of the attachment theory, the English psychologist John Bowlby, proved for the first time that attachment in such a child is often formed through aggression. Getting into a family and not yet experiencing love for new parents, the child at first behaves quite adequately. At the same time, the family experiences a certain euphoria about the fact that everything is going so well.
But as soon as the child begins the process of forming attachment to the family, his behavior changes:
he breaks his toys and things of adults, deceives and can commit petty theft, and from those family members to whom he treats best. It is explained simply. Such a child is used to attracting attention to himself by any means, usually with the help of negative actions - this was exactly the case in the orphanage. In a new family, trying to get the exclusive attention of adults, he, as a rule, goes the same way and, as a result, provokes parents to punishment.
If parents do not have special training, then with a harsh reaction they only reinforce violations in the child's behavior, which can lead to the most sad consequences, up to the abandonment of the child.
Stages of adaptation of a child in a foster family
Some general patterns of mutual adaptation/deadaptation of the family and the child can be traced. We can say that the integration (entry) of the child into the family took place when the child and family members begin to identify themselves with each other. That is, the pronoun “we” is confidently pronounced by all family members, and by facial expressions and reactions to the situation, it becomes difficult to distinguish between blood and adopted children.
"Honeymoon"
This stage begins even before the final arrival of the child in the family: during his first visits. Such an intermediate stage is convenient for the development of relations between the child and parents, since it does not involve great responsibility. At this stage, everything usually goes just fine: parents try to make the child feel good, cheer him up, give gifts, and the child, in turn, tries his best to please.
During the "honeymoon" adoptive parents should be careful about the feelings of the child: you should not call him a son or daughter, apply for parenthood, try to get closer as quickly as possible. Also, do not load the child with new experiences - his psyche may not be able to cope with a large amount of fresh information.
It happens that new experiences negatively affect the child. As a result, he begins to experience anxiety, sleep poorly, and undergo mood swings. In such a situation, you need to be as attentive to the baby as possible.
Another important point that must be taken into account: from the point of view of a child, he loses his birth family not at the moment when he enters the "neutral territory" - in a children's institution, but when he comes to a foster family. Often the child feels guilty, feels like a traitor. In any case, he needs the support of his new parents. This is how the adoptive parents describe the condition of the children and their own experiences at this stage.
“The happiness that came to the house with an adopted child. I am a novice mother and the main thing is probably still ahead, but - honestly! - the last days I walk with the thought pulsating in my head: “So this is what Happiness is!” And this is me , which before that was not crushed by life:
beloved husband, adored work, amazing friends, numerous trips around the country, around the world ... And I experience the peak of this Happiness when I see my husband with tears in his eyes, fiddling with our Mixer (sorry, this is our Yulia: she, with her mobility, which intensifies in moments of joy, which, in turn, simply overwhelms her almost every minute, just begs for such a comparison) or teaching our little boletus Leshka to pull himself up in his arms ... We all love each other so much! And it's so scary to lose all this ... No, we don't caress each other, we don't lisp and weep on each other's shoulders from emotion - we live! And sometimes we’ll quarrel at Leshka, who always gets into all the holes, and we’ll freak out: “Well, where is the remote again (phone, floppy disk, pen, spoon, etc., etc.)”, and then we’ll all fight together, leave each other with all sorts of objects ( crumb cubes super suitable for this) And - honestly! From time to time I completely forget that children are not born by us. Sometimes (well, this happens, but very rarely) it will be said that "wow, poor kids, left orphans ...", and I sit and rack my brains: who is this about ?!. And then - God, this is about mine - and I giggle slowly: wow poor ... "
Families face adoption challenges often very different from what they expected. Some adoptive parents begin to feel helpless or upset that they have a child in their family that is not at all what they imagined.
“It would seem that the adoption took place, a good deed was done, cheers! Yes, it wasn’t there! habitual environment, behavior patterns, I force him to change, raise my voice, spank (I confess, it happened too). I get tired of him, unlike the teachers who work in two days for the third and are more patient with children. I feed him worse, otherwise why he eats so selectively very little and dry, hardly agrees to fit in a quiet hour, rejects any proposals.If it sounds more firm "no", then he throws tantrums, spits, shows figs, sits on the floor, sways and beats the back of his head against the wall. it seemed that I couldn’t control the situation, my hands gave up, I didn’t know what to do. It seemed that it would always be like this, and that instead of giving a happy childhood to an orphan, I ruined the life of all my relatives. what I wanted to offer him, and it is not necessary, because he has his own life, his own priorities and needs that I am unable to satisfy. Instead of affection, he has pinches and bites; instead of communication, he has lowing and sharp gestures. How can you love a child who does not know how to love? He rejects everything that I wanted to do for him, he even told me that I am not a mother. Fortunately, I was not alone. My mother periodically replaced me and with fresh forces, at ease and playfully, managed to relieve tension.
The first stage can also be called the period of the "basic trail". At this time, the process of the child's entry into the family is “slowed down” due to unresolved problems of the birth family and the problems of the child himself, due to the consequences of his traumatic experience. These problems are aggravated under the influence of stress experienced by all participants in the situation. For example, when a foster child appears, a blood child can survive and occupy a place near the leader (most often the mother, since in foster families, as a rule, the leadership belongs to women). As a result, the emotional burden on the family and especially on the mother increases. During this period, the state of euphoria among family members is replaced by shock. Families that are really able to integrate the child (most often these are carefully selected and trained by the social support service parents who regularly receive specialist help) cope with the situation. Understanding the reason for their behavior, they allow the child to "react" their traumatic experiences and contribute to the fact that in the future the relationship between them becomes more balanced.
Example. Foster family N: parents - forty-year-old Natalia and Pavel, their children
- student Elena and teenager Pavel. Natalia always dreamed of having large family and when her daughter entered the university, she seriously thought about her adopted daughter. Doctors did not advise her to give birth herself. As a result, five-year-old Masha got into the family, who at first accepted new parents very easily. However, her behavior soon changed - she became capricious, lied, constantly complained about her new brother. Before going to bed, the girl got on all fours, swayed her whole body, made strange sounds. She constantly, in the same terms, talked about the sexual promiscuity of the biological mother and about her terrible death. At that time, Paul began enuresis, which was observed at an early age. The family with difficulty, but survived the first stage of adaptation. Masha took her space in the house and felt more relaxed. A survey of the level of her intellectual development showed that she was significantly ahead of those children with whom she was brought up in an orphanage. The girl got stronger, grew up and, in all respects, practically caught up with her peers.
Families unable to "accept" the child begin to rally, building invisible barriers between blood family members and the adopted child.
Example. Family C: 60 year old mother and 30 year old daughter. My daughter was diagnosed with infertility, and the question arose about foster child. Women dreamed of a boy of seven or eight years old, bright (both creative personalities) and courageous - one who could stand up for women when he grows up. In the beginning, everything went well. But the first manifestations of the boy's masculinity frightened the family.
Grandmother began to see in him some parallels with her ex-husband. The daughter, whom the child called mother, was frightened by every cry of the boy and expected from her mother that she would somehow cope with the situation. The child became more and more uncontrollable, as a result, mother and daughter united in a coalition and abandoned the "unsuccessful" child.
"No longer a guest"
The second stage of adaptation is characterized by a relationship crisis. It may seem to foster parents that a good and sweet child has suddenly been replaced. He ceases to obey, behaves differently than adults want. At such a moment, adoptive parents may be afraid if they made a mistake? Did they do the right thing by taking this child into the family? It should be noted here that such situations are a natural process. Moreover, in most cases, it indicates that relations in the family are developing correctly.
The main causes of the crisis
1. The emergence of trust in foster parents and the weakening of the "emotional spring" As strange as it may sound, but the deterioration of the child's behavior should be considered as a good sign. The fact is that the child tried very hard to please adults during the entire period, which we conditionally called the “honeymoon”. However, it is impossible to restrain oneself for a long time - and at some point the baby “lets go” of emotional tension, begins to react to stressful situations in the usual way, formed in the “past” life. In fact, from that moment on, the child trusts the family with his true, not entirely attractive sides - this is a sign of closeness in a relationship. The child feels that he will "no longer be driven away."
deterioration
2. The child's unpreparedness for the emerging requirements and expectations of the child's behavior may be facilitated by the mistakes of his adoptive parents. You should not demand gratitude from the child - he, of course, is grateful, but does not yet know how to express his feelings.
“The child has yet to master this skill in a foster family,” psychologists of the Doctors for Children organization explain the difficult situation. Also, one should not attribute more knowledge and skills to the baby than he has. We must not forget about the difficulties of the child associated with emotional and intellectual problems.
3. The growth of children's anxiety due to an incomplete understanding of their place and their role in the host family. This circumstance can additionally disturb little man. The child needs clarification from adults about his future. But before starting such a conversation, it is necessary to coordinate this issue with a social worker.
4. The child's previous traumatic life experience When a child trusts the family, he begins to symbolically talk about his intra-family relationships in his "former" life. He just needs to go through his past experience with the help of emotions and actions in order to develop normally further. How does it happen?
For example, yes.
The foster mother of six-year-old Anya says: “For the first month, Anya was just a golden child, we could not get enough of her - kind, affectionate. And suddenly something strange happened. One morning I went into her room and found that she was sitting and intently breaking off the hand of the doll. Two more dolls were lying on the floor, already without arms and legs. Strange, it would never have occurred to me that this girl could have such aggressive impulses.
It is possible that in this way the girl tried to show the cruel treatment of children, accepted in her blood family. Do not be afraid of such manifestations. Together with the child, you need to feel sorry for the doll, while saying: “How is it? Maybe you can treat her? Let's not hurt the doll anymore." However, if this recurs, it is best to seek the advice of a child psychologist.
Why is a crisis necessary for a foster family?
A crisis helps parents discover a child's problems.
It is impossible to move on to the next stage of adaptation in a foster family, bypassing the crisis period. Unresolved emotional problems will again and again remind of themselves and pull the family back.
Having gone through the crisis, adoptive parents gain the necessary confidence, become educators of higher qualification, which undoubtedly helps them to achieve great success in strengthening the family.
The child also begins to feel more confident in the family: he knows for sure that he will not be driven away, even if he does something wrong.
With the successful passage of the crisis, the child's anxiety level decreases and self-esteem increases, which allows him to build more harmonious relationships with family members.
After all, nothing brings a family together better than overcoming hardships together!
The second stage can also be called the “perestroika” stage. Adopted children find their own space in the home, and it is recognized by other family members. This reduces the overall level of conflict, blood and adopted children begin to observe neutrality. The relationship between mother and adopted child becomes closer. The child's level of emotional well-being is significantly increased, internal tension is reduced. A secondary attachment begins to form, and this gives a new surge of aggressiveness, which can be expressed in theft, deceit, stubbornness, etc. Successful families cope with these problems.
Example. This is how the second stage proceeded in family N. First Pavel and then Masha passed enuresis. Pasha felt more mature. It was funny for him to remember how he and Masha shared a place in front of the TV. He was now fond of radio work, and Masha spent more time with her new mother. Often their father joined them. The girl remembered her biological mother less and less, but the memory of her prevented her from accepting new parents. And during this period, Masha committed theft from her parents. The family was shocked by this act.
The mother experienced conflicting feelings:
resentment, his guilt for this offense, pity for Masha (the child has experienced so much). At the family council, the question of what to do with Masha was decided, but it never occurred to anyone to send her back to an orphanage. “Unsuccessful” families, even if they survived at the first stage, will face new disappointments at the second stage, which may result in a refusal to continue the relationship with the child.
Example. In a quite prosperous family D, the mother of two children, Tatyana, was a teacher in an orphanage. She decided to take her brother and sister, Sasha and Natasha, into foster care. Tatyana flatly refused the help of specialists, relying on her own experience.
The first stage took place according to the usual scheme, and the family survived it. The second stage of adaptation brought many problems. The blood daughter avoided communication with the family, the son developed skin rashes, both complained of a bad mood and a decrease in academic performance. At the same time, adopted children made extraordinary progress in school - classes with their father, communication with older, successful and learning-oriented blood children were not in vain for them. But the situation in the family remained difficult. Sasha and Natasha called their mother by her first name and patronymic, and she, as before, by her last name. Any of their misconduct caused a violent reaction from family members.
When the children stole their mother's wallet, the family immediately abandoned them. According to the survey, despite the failure in the process of adaptation, the experience of family life benefited the children. They moved from the correctional class to the regular class, became more self-confident, and their academic performance improved. After that, the brother and sister lived for a short time in the orphanage, and were soon transferred to another family, where they live for about four years.
"Getting in"
At this stage, the foster family may also experience some problems. It often happens that parents do not pay enough attention to blood children, if they are in the family.
Increased attention to the adopted child can irritate blood children, cause rejection, jealousy, rebellion. They, like a foster child, can also start to behave badly, their mood and school performance may decrease. However, problems with an adopted child will help parents better understand the problems of natural children.
Nevertheless, at this stage, as a rule, both the adoptive parents and the child breathe freely. The child begins to feel really at home, accepts the rules of behavior that have developed in the family. The appearance of the child also changes: he gains weight, the condition of his skin and hair improves, and allergic reactions stop. The child becomes more independent and self-confident. And yet it should be remembered that any change that occurs in the family can have a traumatic effect on a child just starting to get used to it.
Here is what the situation looked like in the last example a month later: “The boy is taking root well, we are trying to make it easier for him to move from his old habits to new ones.
But almost from the first days we had problems with food. They told me in the DR, and I also read in the medical record that the boy had a good appetite. But when he began to visit home, I didn’t feed him, but fed him with sweets (cookies, fruits, juices, sweets). I'm afraid this gave him the wrong idea that you should eat this at home. For a month now he has not eaten normally (soup, porridge, noodles, mashed potatoes, meatballs, fish, etc., what we eat). He also refuses milk, kefir, cottage cheese, even sweets. Eats cheese, brown bread, crackers. This is "alive". He grew by 1.5 cm, lost weight. Often asks for sweets. His lunch is bread and cheese, and then candy for dessert.
For an afternoon snack - biscuits with juice. Eats a lot of fruits. However, in recent days he began to demand exclusively sweets. Since it was his birthday, we let him eat as much as he wanted, in the hope that his stomach would hurt and he would realize that this was wrong. His stomach, of course, did not get sick, but the problem remains. He sees that we all eat differently, and the two-year-old brother eats with appetite and normally, at the same table with him. He tastes our food with his tongue, but he never swallows, not a spoon."
Here is how an adoptive mother, who has more than 2 months of experience, responds to one of the previous letters. “It just takes time. A little more time. Don’t pester your son: firstly, such an age is not for long, and secondly, stress will pass soon. Do not be offended by him - try to treat him with humor and translate into a game and a joke. was at that time terribly capricious. I always tried to help her in her whims, because I saw that she understood that she was wrong, but she couldn’t help herself. And I sympathized with her, really treated her with the understanding that she was good, very, but only now some whim appeared.And she never got hung up on the conflict, tried to turn it off right away, i.e. agreed to wear what she wants, etc. Then everything went away and, by the way, the daughter became just golden : not just any, but absolutely no whims. And it even came to the ridiculous. We come to the store for toys (we really liked to come to the Children's World). We choose toys, go to the departments (we loved this business ), then I notice that I choose all the toys, and the children follow me with a satisfied look. I told them: "Children, we came for toys for you. Maybe you still choose something for yourself? Choose." And they answer me: "What are you, what are you, mommy, whatever you choose, that's good!" Here's to you! And in no way: they refuse to choose for themselves - and that’s all, no matter how much they persuaded .... That is, they were 100% sure that mom would choose what she needed. I have always been on their side on all issues, and they probably already perceived me as an equal member of their team."
The third stage is characterized by the unification of blood and adopted children, who begin to feel like a single group. Many problems are already being solved without the intervention of parents.
The behavior of all children becomes more independent. The adopted child continues to develop a sense of attachment. If at the previous stage he was afraid to "betray"
biological parents, is now going through a stage of "renunciation" of them. He may refuse to meet with blood relatives, even the closest, becomes a "fighter" for the integrity of the family to a greater extent than its "basic" members. The level of aggression within the family decreases, but conflicts with others become more frequent. Adopted children are increasingly beginning to complain about their peers.
Example. In the successful N family at the third stage, Pavel and Masha often used the pronoun “we”. "That's mine younger sister”, - the boy proudly introduced his foster sister, she herself called herself only by the name of the foster family. The girl no longer ran after her mother with a “tail” - she had no doubt that she would find her at home when she returned from school. Masha refused to talk on the phone with her own aunt, all her efforts were aimed at making her adoptive mother proud of her. To this end, she tore out pages with complaints from the teacher from the school diary.
"Relationship Stabilization"
At this stage, the family finally becomes a family. Everyone knows what place they occupy in each other's lives, everyone is satisfied with the state of their family. An adopted child behaves in the same way as blood children, he is calm for himself and for his future, although he may be worried about the fate of his blood parents and other problems. At the fourth stage, the family begins to realize its integrity. This means a transition to a qualitatively new level of development. All family members become unusually similar to each other - both externally and in their reactions. We can also talk about the formed attachment to the family of the adopted child. The child feels his identity with the foster family, is able to "accept" the birth family.
Example. In the N family at this stage, Elena receives a lot of support from Masha, although, of course, problems remain. “If I feel bad, then Masha is ready to do everything for me, bring food to bed,” she says proudly. Cases of theft are no longer repeated. By the end of the second year, no one has any doubts that they are one, loving friend friend's family. Do not forget that the adaptation of the child in this family was successful due to the fact that there were specialists next to the parents who helped to cope with all the problems of the adaptation period. The upbringing of a foster child is an unconditional blessing from the standpoint of true human values, an honorable thing - from the point of view of social significance, and difficult - in terms of the psychological tasks that have to be solved on the way to uniting a child, whose fate is often crippled, and a family that is used to living by its own rules, into a single whole - a substitute family.
Adaptation of adoptive parents
“In no case should foster parents forget about themselves and their feelings!” reminiscent of the psychologists of the Doctors for Children organization. After all, adaptation in a new family occurs from two sides. It must be remembered that, be that as it may, being a foster parent is work that requires certain costs: emotional, temporary, and others. And, like any other job, it requires rest.
BEHAVIOR AND FEELINGS. Exercise:
PURPOSE: to teach participants to understand the feelings of the child, to correctly interpret his behavior and respond accordingly.
Materials: cards describing the behaviors of children MASHA, 4 years old. Vanya does not allow himself to be hugged, 3 years old. Refuses to take a bath DIMA, 2 years old. When he is offered to take something, NADIA, 4 years old, snatches it out of his hands. "Hangs" on all adults MASHA, 4 years old. Does not allow himself to be hugged ANTON, 7 years old. When it's time to do homework, ANDREY, 6 years old, throws tantrums. Refuses to change before bed. Sleeps in trousers and socks NASTYA, 5 years old. She takes other people's things and puts them on her shelf VERONIKA, 3 years old. Refuses to go hand in hand with KOLYA's parents, 6 years old. Eats only pasta, rolls and sweets.
What does the child feel?
What does an adult feel?
How should an adult react?
Given some time for individual work(or work in pairs), approximately 5 minutes. Then all situations are discussed in turn in a general circle.
Summing up, the facilitator draws the attention of the participants to the fact that the success of the adaptation process is closely related to the readiness of adoptive parents to analyze problem situations, think about the feelings of the child and accept them, designate these feelings for the child. You can remind the participants of such an important skill as the reflection of feelings.
2. Typical mistakes of upbringing in a foster family. Problems, differences in the perception of the actions of a native and adopted child.
NATIVE-NON-NATIVE. Role-playing game.
PURPOSE: To show the difference in the perception of the actions of your child and the adoptive one.
To show that the behavior of a child who has been known for a relatively short time and is still poorly understood is more difficult to control than the behavior of a child who was born and raised in a family.
You are the mother of a thirteen-year-old girl, Marina. You are getting ready to go to a school meeting and leave the house in a hurry. Suddenly, you return, remembering that you left your wallet behind. Entering the kitchen, you see that Marina is trying to shove a fifty-ruble banknote back into her purse, which is on the kitchen table.
Invite those who wish to play the roles of mother and Marina, as the situation develops, introduce other characters, for example, Marina's father.
Ask participants how they felt at the time, why they said or did what they did.
Invite the performers of the roles of mother and girl to switch places and listen to each other's last remarks from new positions. Ask about their feelings.
Invite the participants to play this situation again, but slightly change the conditions: instead of a mother, a guardian, Marina is an adopted child who has been living in the family for a little over a month. As the situation develops, other characters can be introduced, such as the guardian's spouse.
©@© LARGE GROUP DISCUSSION:
Therefore, the parent may think that this behavior is uncharacteristic for his daughter, that this is just an episode that will not happen again. The child, too, may be more calm about the reaction of his parents: “She lost her temper, but usually this does not last long. Tomorrow she will calm down.
In the case of a foster parent and a foster child, they do not have the opportunity to draw on a common past experience. There is still no trust between them, no mutual understanding, so it is difficult for each of them to explain the behavior of the other. It is easier for a foster parent to decide that Marina stole the money because she is “like that”, “so used to it”, “and has done it before”. In turn, the adopted child can be much more offended or frightened by the emotional reaction of the parent - he does not know what to expect next.
How to prepare a blood child for the arrival of a foster child.
You need to start with a sincere conversation with the child, explaining to him in an accessible language why you want to take in an orphaned baby. Then you can go with your daughter or son to an orphanage or an orphanage.
Despite the fact that they are closed institutions, with a strong desire, you can get there. This can be done through acquaintances, or honestly explain the reason for coming to the children's institution to the head doctor (people work everywhere, and if you were told "no" in one institution, this does not mean that you will not be allowed to go to another). You can bring things, toys, books (used or bought) to the children's institution and thus get there and show your child how orphans live. A visit to a children's institution will only benefit the child.
First, it develops in children a sense of mercy and compassion, qualities necessary for a person to become a Human.
Secondly, the child compares his own life and the life of orphans. He begins to understand that he is very lucky, he has parents, his own home. He learns to appreciate what he has, to treat his relatives with great respect.
Thirdly, by giving gifts to orphans, the child is doing a good deed. It boosts his self-esteem. (Ask the children what good things they have done in their lives. Many will have no answer.) The child, even at an unconscious level, understands that giving gifts to another person is just as pleasant as receiving them.
Fourthly, visiting a children's institution forms a real picture of the world in a child. In it, in addition to happiness, there is also pain, and betrayal, and injustice, and some parents try to hide the child from this, not realizing that the child will still face reality.
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Recommendations for the adaptation of a foster child in the family.First days at home
If you took a child who was brought up in an institution, then the first days and weeks of his stay in the family, he may experience seemingly strange behavioral patterns.
The fact is that in almost all children's orphanages, in connection with the peculiarities of their organization, a stream method of education is used for children, which suppresses the individuality of the child and develops the habit of strict norms and rules. Another factor is the almost complete absence of men in such institutions and, accordingly, the experience of children communicating with them. A sudden change in routine, expansion of the circle of contacts, separation from the usual environment can provoke anxiety, sleep disturbance, appetite, the appearance of motor disorders and inadequate reactions to your actions and words.
To make it easier to imagine what happens to a child during the first days of settling in a new home, try to imagine that you suddenly found yourself on an alien planet, where there is a sea of new incomprehensible sensations, and every unfamiliar rustle contains a threat and the only one who can help him feel safe it is you.
Possible reactions of the child:
In the first days or weeks of being in your home, where you, his new parents, surround the child with care and attention, he will announce that he wants to go back. He will demand to take him "to the old house" and sob. You will be confused and decide that you have not coped and will never be able to make his life happy, but you will be wrong. Any person gets used to his home, "that house" was the only one possible for him until recently, even if he was waiting for his dad and mom. He was a reality, and so quickly to change him and his stay in him, to forget and delete a whole big piece from life is not an easy task. But the main thing is not even that. The child must remember what happened before. He had a past, albeit not the kind that usually happens in happy families, but his own story is important, and not a picture invented by someone.
Once in your apartment, he will find that people are washing in a bathtub that can be filled with water. Before that, there was only a shower in his life. He bathed on strictly defined days - Tuesday and Friday or Wednesday and Saturday. And he did it in the company of other kids. Then there will be variations on the theme - does he know about the existence of shampoo or shower gel, or was he washed before coming to your house only with soap. But one thing is for sure - bath foam was irrelevant for him, a bath in which you can sit, lie down and splash with toys, he definitely never had in his life.
The first night will also bring him surprises, and it's not about the new, bright bed linen (versus his old official ones) or a cozy bed with a canopy. A surprise for him will be such a simple thing as pajamas. Previously, he slept in panties and a T-shirt, and did not assume that there were special clothes for sleeping. "Why do I have to sleep in these pants and shirt?" - such questions baffle what to say to a person who has never changed into clothes for sleep.
If the baby is still small, and he came to your family from the Orphanage (children under 4 years old live there), then he probably did not try many fruits and vegetables, did not eat sweets and ice cream, but this is understandable. Products in such establishments are hypoallergenic, children are not given anything that can cause an unpredictable reaction of the body. Porridge and jelly, mashed boiled zucchini puree and cottage cheese casserole - this is an approximate daily menu. This will not be unexpected, you will be informed about what the child was fed in the institution. But they will not say that no one there ever drinks with straws. Yes, such a simple thing for an ordinary person as a drinking straw will surprise a new family member.
Foster parents should be prepared for the fact that the baby's vocabulary does not correspond to the norm that is accepted in your family. If the child is large enough, then his speech will probably be full of curses, which are widespread in orphanages. Everyone knows bad words at a certain age, but they are not spoken aloud, in front of parents and adults. It's taboo. But for an orphanage, such restrictions in speech are incomprehensible. If his old house was not located in the center of a large city and was not patronized by volunteers from some university-conservatory-institute with the ensuing trips to the theater and concert hall, then simple and unpretentious speech can be not only among pupils, but also among those who works with children. And curses are not perceived by him as something out of the ordinary. Obscene language is not the only thing that may cut your ear. Colloquialisms and incorrect accents, illiterately constructed phrases and a very limited set of words - this is what you will have to work with for many months so that your adopted child's speech does not differ from the speech of all other family members.
It will take a little time, maybe a few months, he will stop asking back, get used to the new routine of life, and it will seem to you that the main difficulties are behind you. But it will soon become clear that only the first stage of addiction has passed. The child will suddenly realize that it is time to check the authenticity of your words. “They say they love me, but I won’t always be as good as I am now. Will they be able to love me differently - bad, naughty, unpleasant, ”- this is approximately how a small person subconsciously decides inside himself. And after that, a new period begins in your life. Perhaps you are ready for his whims or disputes, you understand how difficult it is for him now. But it is unlikely that you will calmly accept the fact that suddenly, at some point, he will stop going to the toilet, his pants will regularly be wet and the bed too. You will suffer once, twice, and a third time. But then you explode: “You are such a big child, you know how to use the toilet perfectly, why ...” He will silently look at you, unable to explain that this is just a test of your ability to accept him as anyone.
Someday you will take him to a toy store and he will ask you to buy a toy motorcycle (or a doll, or a designer). You will be delighted - this is such a natural desire for a normal domestic child. And buy him whatever he wants. But, when he brings new toys home, most likely he will not want to play with them. It can't be his thing, he never had anything personal. He brought it "to the group", everyone can use these toys, and when they get bored, he will break them. Because they are not sorry, they are nobody's.
If the adopted child is not the only one in your family, then you must be prepared for the fact that, one way or another, he will begin to push your blood children away from you. He will subconsciously create situations where your attention should be paid only to him and no one else. For the sake of this right to sole ownership of mom and dad, he will be ready to misbehave, disobey and quarrel with other children. For example, he will take new toy your blood child and break it. But this is not enough. He will shift his guilt to another, and will balk even when the evidence of his guilt is undeniable. Can you find that calm and correct tone in relations with children, which will help the blood to understand that they are still loved and in no case will they be preferred to anyone else, but to the adopted one, that he is equal to others in the family.
Of course, not immediately, but sooner or later you will start to bring him "to the light" - you want to show him the animals in the zoo, paintings and sculptures in the museum, rare plants in the botanical garden. He will be very pleased, and not only you will understand this, but all those who will be with you within a radius of 200-300 meters. The child will shout out the names of animals that he had seen only in cartoons before, and out of excess of feelings he will call a camel a giraffe, and a pony an elephant. It is worth getting used to and stop noticing the condemning views of the “right” parents, who, of course, taught their children not to confuse such simple things.
When people decide to adopt a child, they consider everything that can happen. Difficulties in raising a foster child that adopted children require more careful attention, as they are more vulnerable, because all of them had to experience a lot that many do not experience in their entire lives. The ability to correctly overcome all difficulties in the process of education can prevent the formation of many problems and help in raising a healthy and happy child.
Sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to punish the child because of the fear that he might perceive them as strangers to himself. Sometimes, on the contrary, they fall into despair because they do not know how else to punish him, because all punishments are useless - nothing affects him. If we clearly understand that the educational impact of punishment is based on a temporary break in the emotional connection between a child and an adult, then it is easier to understand that there is no need to be afraid of this. It is important that punishment be followed by forgiveness, reconciliation, the return of past relationships, and then, instead of alienation, the emotional connection only deepens. But if the emotional relationship in the foster family is not yet set up, then no amount of punishment will have the desired impact. Many children who are placed in foster families have simply not yet learned to love anyone, to be emotionally attached to anyone, to feel good in a family environment. And what is usually considered a punishment, they perceive quite indifferently, just like natural phenomena - snow, thunderstorms, heat, etc. Therefore, first of all, in the family it is necessary to build emotional connection, and this requires time, patience and indulgence on the part of the adoptive parents.
Adoption should not be viewed as a sacrifice made to the child by the new parents. On the contrary, the child himself gives a lot to his adoptive parents.
The adopted child came to a new family. This significant and joyful event is at the same time a serious test. If there are other children in the family, then parents usually do not expect complications, they are calm, as they rely on their existing upbringing experience. However, they can also be unpleasantly surprised and disoriented by such, for example, the fact that the child does not have hygiene skills or he falls asleep badly, wakes up the whole family at night, that is, requires great patience, attention and care from parents. At this first critical moment, some parents, unfortunately, react inadequately, comparing adopted children with relatives not in favor of the adopted ones. To sigh and say such things in front of children is very dangerous for all future life together.
If the parents do not have children, then the situation is somewhat different. Usually, foster parents who have never had their own children, before taking on a foster child, study many articles, brochures, but they look at everything only “theoretically”, with a certain concern for practice. The first adopted child poses much more tasks for parents than the first natural child, since the adopted child surprises with its habits, requirements, because it has not lived in this family since the day of its birth. Foster parents face a difficult task: to comprehend the individuality of the child. The smaller the child, the sooner he gets used to a new family. However, the attitude towards the family of the adopted child is initially wary, primarily because of his anxiety to lose the family. Such a feeling arises even in children of that age at which they cannot yet fully realize this sensation and speak about it in words.
The process of getting the adopted child into the family depends on the personality of the adopting parents, on the general family atmosphere, as well as on the child himself, primarily on his age, character and previous experience. Young children, up to about two years of age, quickly forget their former surroundings. TO little child in adults, a warm relationship develops faster.
Children from two to five years old remember more, something remains in their memory for life. The child relatively quickly forgets the environment of the orphanage, social rehabilitation center (orphanage). If he became attached to some teacher there, then he can remember her for a long time. Gradually, the new teacher, that is, his mother, in her daily contact with the child becomes the closest person for him. A child's memories of his family depend on the age when he was taken from that family.
Currently, most of the foster parents, in addition to raising other people's children, are engaged in some other type of activity. However, at the same time, they should not forget that the upbringing of children should be considered as a kind of professional activity that requires special training. Therefore, when training foster parents, they should be oriented to the fact that such training cannot be superficial and short-term and immediately give practical results. They will have to learn the parental profession all their lives, because the child grows, changes, and therefore the forms of interaction with him, and the types of pedagogical influences must change. In addition, the adoptive parent, when adopting someone else's child, must understand that he will simply need to share his experience with other interested parties, including social workers. Foster parents, planning their activities in accordance with the needs of the child, should be able to work together with counselors, doctors, educators and other professionals in order to learn how to solve the problems that they will encounter in raising foster children and eliminate the difficulties that naturally arise in any family
The severity of the difficulties that a child will have at the stage of adaptation in a host family depends on a number of factors: the age when he was left without a family, the type of family in which he grew up, and the length of stay in the orphanage. The longer the child was in a prosperous home family and the less he was in the orphanage, the easier it will be for him to adapt. However, if the child was in a dysfunctional family, then it is important that the gap between staying in the family of origin and getting into the host family is minimal. The best forecast for effective adaptation will be if the child spent the first two years of his life in the family and practically was not in state institutions.
Even the most prosperous orphanage contains dysfunctional children. Children quickly lose initiative, acquiring "learned helplessness", which is extremely difficult to eliminate from behavior. If the orphanage is, on top of everything else, dysfunctional, the children acquire additional life skills in the conditions of hazing, accepting it as an inevitable condition for coexistence due to their age. And later they carry these behaviors into the life of the host family. Thus, it can be said that a family with extensive experience in receiving children can take any children (but only one at a time, in extreme cases two if it is a brother and sister), while novice adoptive parents will be better able to cope with children who have had experience of living in a birth family.
At the moment, the following stages are distinguished in the development of a host family.
A state of euphoria, when for the first time after accepting a child into a family, everyone - both the child and family members - is actively trying to show their best side. It looks as if the child came for a short visit, and the whole family dressed up and prepared a festive dinner.
The period of the "basic train". At this time, the process of integrating the child into the family is “slowed down” due to unresolved problems of the basic (blood) family and the problems of the child himself, due to the consequences of his traumatic experience. These problems are aggravated under the influence of stress experienced by all participants in the situation. For example, in the near future, when an adopted child appears, a blood child may experience a state of regression, that is, “present” to parents the behavior characteristic of a younger age (he may have symptoms of long-past enuresis, his speech and ability to perform intellectual tasks will worsen). The same regression can be observed in an adopted child.
A foster child can win the attention of parents in all acceptable and unacceptable ways (including through negative behavior). The emotional burden on the family increases sharply. The state of euphoria experienced at the very beginning of the reception of the child is quickly replaced by shock. Families that are really capable of integrating the child (most often those families in which parents have been carefully selected and trained by the social support service) cope with the situation.
The stage of "perestroika". Adopted children find their own space in the home, and it is recognized by other family members. This reduces the level of conflict, blood and adopted children begin to observe neutrality. The relationship between mother and adopted child becomes closer. The child's level of emotional well-being is significantly increased, internal tension is reduced. A secondary attachment begins to form, and this gives a new surge of aggressiveness, which can be expressed in theft, deceit, stubbornness, etc. Such behavior can be explained by the fact that the child “tests” his adoptive parents, in his own way diagnosing their ability to love him and accept him as he is (and even worse). We can also say that at this stage, the whole picture of the world of the child is undergoing serious changes. Fearing structural adjustment, the child unconsciously clings to his established ideas about himself and about possible relation to him, despite their negative nature. In "successful" families cope with these problems. “Unsuccessful” families, even if they survived at the first stage, will face new disappointments at the second stage, which may result in a refusal to continue the relationship with the child.
Inclusion. The stage is characterized by the unification of blood and adopted children, who begin to feel like a single group. Many problems are already being solved without the intervention of parents. The adopted child continues to develop a sense of attachment. If at the previous stage he was afraid to “betray” his biological parents, now he is going through the stage of “renunciation” of them. He may refuse to meet with blood relatives, even the closest, becomes a "fighter" for the integrity of the family to a greater extent than its "basic" members. The level of aggression within the family decreases, but conflicts with others become more frequent.
Integrity. At this stage, the family begins to realize its integrity. This means a transition to a qualitatively new level of development. All family members become unusually similar to each other - both externally and in their reactions. We can also talk about the formed attachment to the family of the adopted child. He feels his identity with the host family, but at the same time is able to "accept" and blood.
FIRST DAYS AT HOME
It is difficult to predict what foster parents may face when taking a child into the family: all children are different. The main thing is not to wait for everything to go smoothly, and not to give up when it is difficult.
Imagine that you were suddenly moved to a new, completely unfamiliar place, and this happened against your desire and without prior preparation. What will you experience with this? Confusion? Shock? How soon will you come to your senses? How soon can you get comfortable in an unfamiliar environment?
Getting into new conditions, the adopted child and his new parents go through a period of getting used to each other and changing circumstances, which is called adaptation. Adaptation in a new family is a mutual process, since both the child who finds himself in a new environment and adults have to get used to each other to the changed conditions. Think about who is easier to adapt: the one who stayed in the familiar environment, or the one who got into the new conditions?
ADAPTATION IN CHILDREN
Children adapt differently. We will make a reservation right away that a lot depends on the age of the child: what older child, the more serious this process can proceed. Past experience also plays a big role. If the child lived in the family before adoption, the problems will be the same. A child who lived his short life in a children's home, and then in an orphanage, will react differently to new conditions. At the same time, the first reactions and well-being will be different for everyone. Someone will be in an elevated state and strive to see everything, touch it, ask questions. And someone in a new environment will be frightened, will cling to an adult, trying, as it were, to shield themselves from the surging stream of impressions.
Adults really want the addiction process to go as smoothly as possible. In fact, in every new family there are periods of doubt, ups and downs, anxiety and unrest. We have to change the original plans to some extent. No one can predict in advance what surprises may arise.
But, despite the differences, some common patterns can be noted in the behavior of children. The behavior and well-being of the child does not remain constant, it changes over time as he gets used to the new environment. Psychologists distinguish several stages in the adaptation of a child to new conditions.
"HONEYMOON"
The first stage can be described as "acquaintance" or "honeymoon". Parents want to warm the child, the child enjoys his new position. He happily does everything that adults offer. Many children immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they only want to fall in love with new parents.
You can see that the child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This brings many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, grab hold of a lot. A child can forget who mom and dad are, confuse names, family relationships, ask "what's your name?", "What is it?" many times. And it's not because he has a bad memory or he's not smart enough. It’s just that his brain is not yet able to remember and assimilate the mass of new impressions that fell upon him, and also because he really needs to talk once again, to confirm that these are really his new parents. During this period, some children can quite often and unexpectedly recall episodes from a former life, spontaneously share their impressions. But questions on this topic may be answered reluctantly or not answered at all.
As a rule, at this stage, the child almost unquestioningly obeys the rules that exist in the family. It seems that in the family there is complete peace and harmony that will never end.
"REGRESSION"
The second stage can be defined as "return to the past" or "regression". The first impressions subsided, the euphoria passed, a certain order was established, the painstaking and lengthy process of grinding begins. The child is trying to understand what his parents like and dislike, how to draw attention to himself - of course, resorting to the methods that he used before. Naturally, parents perceive many old habits with hostility. Often a painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior begins.
As psychologists note, at this stage, children may experience symptoms such as a sense of helplessness or a sense of dependence; exaggerated complaints, hypersensitivity, rejection of new things, inexplicable fits of anger, crying, fatigue or anxiety, signs of depression, etc.
Return is noted bad habits. Sometimes during this period the child regresses in his behavior to a level that does not correspond to his age. Some become too demanding and capricious, preferring to play with younger children and dominate them. Others show hostility to their new surroundings. To get attention, the child may change behavior in unexpected ways. Therefore, you should not be surprised that cheerful, active child suddenly became capricious, cries often and for a long time, begins to fight with his parents or with his brother, sister, if any, does in spite of what they do not like. A gloomy, withdrawn - shows interest in the environment, especially when no one is watching him, acts on the sly or becomes unusually active.
Many adults who are faced with these problems lack the strength, and most importantly, the patience to wait until the child does what they need. Lack of knowledge about the characteristics of age, the difference in views on parenting, the influence of authoritarian pedagogy, the desire for an abstract ideal, overestimated or, conversely, underestimated requirements for the child lead to the fact that the upbringing process is seen as the correction of innate defects. The naturalness of relationships, the joy of communication disappears. Instead of natural acceptance of the child, his dignity is downplayed. Instead of a sensitive response to the slightest achievements of the child, comparison with peers begins, which is often not in favor of the adopted child.
Parents should clearly understand that each seemingly inadequate act has its own psychological background. For example, a child has become very aggressive towards others, and you no longer know what to do about it. And you are simply “checked”: the fear that they will “give you back” pushes the little man to act according to the principle “the worse, the better.”
Understanding, patience, endurance are the main principles of behavior during this period. And one more thing: do not hesitate to contact specialists with your problems, meet with those who, like you, are raising an adopted child. You will understand that there are no hopeless situations.
The change in the appearance of the child testifies to the successful overcoming of the difficulties of this period: the facial expression changes, it becomes more meaningful, a smile and laughter appear more often. The child becomes lively, more responsive, "blooms".
"ADDICTIVE"
The third stage is "addiction" or "slow recovery". You may notice that the child somehow suddenly matured. If earlier he was attracted to kids, now he chooses companies that are close to him in age. Tension disappears, children begin to joke and discuss their problems and difficulties with their parents. The child begins to behave as naturally as a child behaves in a birth family, takes an active part in all family affairs. Behavior corresponds to the characteristics of the character and is adequate to the situations.
Having adapted to new conditions, children are less likely to remember the past and do it without stress. If the child is well in the family, he almost does not talk about his former way of life, having appreciated the advantages of the family. Children preschool age they can ask adults where they have been for so long, why they have been looking for him for so long. If a child feels good about himself, attachment to parents and reciprocal feelings arise. He easily follows the rules and adequately responds to requests. He himself notes the changes taking place with him, recalls his bad behavior (if it was), not without irony, sympathizes and empathizes with his parents. Children and parents live the life of an ordinary normal family.
Foster (adopted) children in their behavior no longer differ from a child brought up by biological parents. If there are problems, they usually reflect the stages of the crisis. age development through which every child goes.
If the parents could not find a way to the heart of the child and establish a trusting relationship, then the previous personality flaws (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition), unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, striving for vagrancy), vindictiveness or a demonstration of helplessness, demanding excessive attention or stubbornness are aggravated. , negativism. That is, each child is looking for his own way of protection from adverse external influences.
Adaptation of adoptive parents
So, he entered the family new baby. Before his appearance, adults were confident in themselves, that they were ready to solve all problems, they were ready to love the child the way he would be. Illusions and some euphoria, confidence that there will be enough strength to overcome all obstacles and overcome difficulties are typical states that are characteristic of most new parents. Almost everyone is confident in their educational abilities and that they can successfully use these abilities for the benefit of someone else's child. This is especially true for those parents who were successful in raising their own children and were able to create an atmosphere of warmth and love in their family. But the appearance of someone else's child is a serious test for the whole family. After all, foster parents have neither vacations nor vacations, they cannot rest and relax at home. In addition, when a new family member appears, the family balance is disturbed, which is often quite fragile. This happens even when your own child is born. And what can I say when an unfamiliar child appears in the family, and a rather difficult fate and difficult character.
Therefore, after about a month, the picture of the family changes somewhat. In response to the question: “How different is the real situation from the expected?”, Most of the adoptive parents express explicit or implicit dissatisfaction with their new role. Negative emotions are mainly associated with an increase in the volume of homework, the expenditure of additional forces, energy and time, the emergence of unforeseen situations that affect the well-established life of the family.
Many parents who have had children of their own are upset that the new child is different from their own children, that other disciplinary measures should be applied to him, and new ways of influence should be sought. They don’t like a lot in the behavior of children, they are shocked by the manners of behavior (scattering things, lack of hygiene skills, food culture). In those families where there are children of their own, it turns out that they cannot treat the child as well as their own. They are forced to indulge him, pity him and indulge his whims.
Basically, after the first month of cohabitation, parents express a positive attitude towards the current situation, but about half note that addiction was not easy.
After three months, many adoptive parents begin to feel more confident and comfortable, they positively evaluate their experience and describe the situation in the family as “very good”. They are more confident in their abilities, they managed to find their own ways of trusting communication with an adopted child. There are also significant changes in the child's better side.
But there are families in which the relationship with the child has not changed for the better. They have disappointment in the child and in their own strength; the realization of one's own failure is accompanied by a stressful state of the mother.
The appearance of a new child negatively affects the relationship between family members. For example, the child gets on the nerves of the husband, and he refuses to have any relationship with him. The child may show selectivity, give preference to one family member, for example, the father, rejecting the mother. An adopted child can provide Negative influence on children in the family or contribute to the emergence of conflict relations between children (jealousy, rivalry).
In general, after 3 months of the existence of such a family, a rather contradictory picture emerges. The mothers are still enthusiastic and feel some satisfaction in their new role. Fathers are less optimistic, which is explained by the different roles of parents in family life.
The 6-month period is decisive in the life of families. Satisfaction with their new role to a large extent depends on how adults were able to understand and accept the child. After 6 months, many parents experience much less optimism and note that it has become more difficult for them than in the first days.
Optimism wanes because most parents begin to understand the seriousness and depth of children's problems, as well as the complexity and not always effective result of their attempts to change the child's behavior for the better. As they get to know the child better, they become more aware of the impact of previous life experiences on him.
An important stage in the life of a family is the first anniversary of its creation.
Most foster families begin their activities with complete confidence that they can make the child happy. They believe that under their influence the child will change for the better, but when changes do not come as quickly as they would like, they are lost and need support and an explanation of the reasons. They must understand that such slow and not very obvious progress is a completely natural phenomenon, that there is nothing wrong with the fact that they will not always be able to resolve conflicts and cope with difficulties on their own.
After a year and a half, it can be said that families that have “lasted” for such a long time will be able to exist for an arbitrarily long time. Parents are satisfied with their role and the situation in the house, many are satisfied that the child has taken root well in the family.
But even very successful parents need encouragement and a return on their efforts. Such a "give" may be the feeling of love expressed by the child; the happiness of the child and his desire to live in this house; confidence that they have done everything necessary to help the child.
"Center for Psychological - Pedagogical and Medical - Social Support"
Saratov.
Developed by: Teachers - psychologists of the Department of Psychological, Pedagogical and Medical and Social Assistance to Foster Families, Families of Guardians and Adoptive Parents:
Vitruk Evgenia Vladimirovna, Glukhova Maria Yurievna.
Adaptation of adopted children in new families.
A foster family, like any other, can face a number of problems with the advent of a child. The ability to solve them without loss largely depends on the willingness to accept a small person and on the competence of foster parents. The more clearly people understand what they are going through when they decide to raise a foster child, the better. Of course, in most cases, it will be more difficult for foster parents to cope with their functions than for relatives. The reason is simple - children who have experienced a tragedy (whether it be the death of loved ones, the destruction of a family, or the deprivation of mom and dad of parental rights) experience a deep emotional drama. Staying in an orphanage, where there is not a single relative, causes no less damage to the child's psyche. There is no one to count on and no one to share experiences with.
Getting into new conditions, the adopted child and his new parents will experience a condition called adaptation- the process of getting used to, grinding people to each other, to changed conditions, circumstances.
Adaptation in a new family is a two-way process, since both the child who finds himself in a new environment and adults have to get used to each other to the changed conditions.
Adaptation varies from child to child. Here much depends on the age of the child, and on the traits of his character. Past experience plays a big role.
A child who lived his short life in a children's home, and then in an orphanage, will react differently to new conditions than a child who previously lived in a family. At the same time, the first reactions and well-being will be different for everyone. Someone will be in an elevated, excited state and strive to see everything, touch it, and if someone is nearby, ask to show it, tell about what is around. Under the influence of new impressions, overexcitation, fussiness, and a desire to frolic may occur. And someone in a new environment will be frightened, will cling to an adult, trying, as it were, to shield (protect himself) from the surging stream of impressions.
From the moment when the child sees his new family for the first time, and until the moment when he begins to feel like a full-fledged family member in it, a lot of time passes.
Everyone adapts differently. This is a rather complicated and lengthy process, sometimes it can take about a year or longer.
It can be difficult for foster parents to accept the child as he is, to adapt to his habits, behavior, character traits; it is difficult to explain to oneself and forgive actions that seem inadmissible (rigidity, rudeness, aggressiveness). The main thing is patience, restraint, the desire to understand the problem ourselves and help the child understand himself. It is very important to accept the identity and independence of the child, to give him the opportunity to be himself. It should be remembered that the achievement of the desired result does not occur immediately. Need time.
At each stage, both the child and the parents face certain tasks, difficulties arise that are characteristic of this particular period in the development of relations. Parents should know that there are patterns in the behavior of a child who has fallen into a new family. Some stages of adaptation must be completed, and the problems that sometimes arise indicate that the development of relations is going in the right direction.
The first stage - "Honeymoon"
This stage begins even before the final arrival of the child in the family - during his first visits. This is a convenient intermediate stage in the development of the relationship between the child and parents, as it does not involve much responsibility. At this stage, everything usually goes just fine. Parents try to make the child feel good, cheer him up, give gifts, give him all the accumulated affection and tenderness. The child, in turn, tries his best to please. He enjoys the situation, he likes his new family, cozy apartment, good attitude, new toys. Some kids may start calling you "Mom" and "Dad" right away.
Take care of the child's feelings, be restrained towards him at this stage. It is not worth it, especially at the first stage of building relationships, to call him a son or daughter, to claim parenthood. Remember that both adults and the child report to the head of the institution in which the child was located and coordinate their actions with the social worker. This makes it easier to manage contentious issues in your family's life.
Another important point that must be taken into account: from the point of view of a child, he loses his birth family not at the moment when he enters “neutral territory” - in a children's institution, but when he comes to a foster family. Often the child feels guilty, feels like a traitor. Either way, he needs your support. Remember that new experiences can negatively affect the child. The child may experience anxiety, sleep poorly. He may have ups and downs in his mood, he may try to do everything at once. Please be as attentive as possible to him. For this period, it would be better if one of the family members takes a vacation to help the child, even the big one, get used to the new place.
Imagine yourself in the place of a child: he, who has lived in a children's institution for a long time or in a dysfunctional environment, suddenly finds himself in a new place, in a prosperous family, where he still knows little. Show him how household appliances work, how to turn on the TV. Do not forget that a child may not be able to perform the simplest actions, not know how to cut his nails, peel potatoes. Gradually, you can expand the new space. Walk along the street together, show your child the future kindergarten or school, bakery, post office, clinic, park. Do not try to load the child with new experiences! His psyche may not be able to cope with a large amount of new information. Also, remember not to get too close to your baby very quickly at this stage. Both he and you need time.
The second stage - "No longer a guest"
The second stage of adaptation in a foster family is characterized by a relationship crisis. It may seem to you that an obedient and sweet child has suddenly been replaced. He ceases to obey, behaves not the way you want. You, in turn, may wonder if you did the right thing by taking this child into your family? Have you made a mistake? Are you really not able to find a common language with the child? Calm down - what is happening to you now is a natural process, and in most cases it indicates that family relations are developing correctly. Consider the main causes of the crisis.
1.
The emergence of trust in foster parents and the weakening of the "emotional spring". No matter how strange it may sound, but the deterioration of the child's behavior should be considered as a good sign that pleases both specialists and trained (understanding what's the matter) parents. The fact is that the child tried very hard to please adults during the entire period, conventionally called the “honeymoon”. He tried to restrain in his behavior those manifestations that, as he assumed, others might not like, he was afraid that he would “not suit” new parents and he would be returned to the shelter. However, it is impossible to restrain yourself for a very long time. What is compressed will open at the first opportunity. An even, friendly and caring attitude in the family is permission for the child to “let go” of emotional tension, give it free rein, begin to respond to stressful situations in the usual way, formed in the “past” life. In fact, from that moment on, the child trusts the family with his true, not entirely attractive sides, which is a sign of closeness in a relationship. The child feels that he will "no longer be driven away." The emergence of trust in relation to a parent is a very important moment in the life of a foster family, on which she can congratulate herself.
2.
The unpreparedness of the child to the emerging requirements and expectations. Perhaps your own mistakes contributed to the deterioration of the child's behavior. Perhaps you, without even realizing it, expect gratitude from the child. The child, of course, is grateful to you, but so far he does not know how to express it. The ability to thank is something that a child will have to learn in a foster family.
Maybe you attribute to the child more knowledge and skills than he has. If your ten-year-old doesn't wash his feet, it's not because he's ungrateful and sabotages your demands. He's just not used to doing it. It must be taught - just like we teach kids. In addition, you should not immediately expect success from the child in school.
3
. The growth of children's anxiety due to an incomplete understanding of their place and their role in the host family. This circumstance can additionally disturb a small person. The child needs clarification from adults about his future. But before starting such a conversation, it is necessary to coordinate this issue with experts. The conversation might go something like this: “Your parents can't take care of you right now. We will take care of you. We'll try our best to make you feel good." In some cases (in agreement with specialists), it is also necessary to inform the pupil, depending on the real situation in his birth family: “When your parents get better (they find a job, repair housing, collect the necessary documents, etc.), you can return to him."
4.
The child's previous traumatic life experience. When a child trusts the family, he begins to symbolically talk about his intra-family relationships in his “former” life. He just needs to go through his past experience with the help of emotions and actions, which will make it possible to develop normally further. How does it happen? For example, yes.
The foster mother of six-year-old Anya says: “For the first month, Anya was just a golden child, we could not get enough of her - kind, affectionate. And suddenly something strange happened. One morning I went into her room and found that she was sitting and intently breaking off the hand of the doll. Two more dolls were lying on the floor, already without arms and legs. Strange, it would never have occurred to me that this girl could have such aggressive impulses.
It is possible that in this way the girl tried to show the cruel treatment of children, accepted in her blood family. Do not be afraid of such manifestations. Just take pity on the doll together with the child, saying: “How is it? Maybe you can treat her? Let's no longer offend the doll, but rather sew her a new dress. However, if this recurs, it is best to seek the advice of a child psychologist.
In addition, there are cases when an adopted child at the stage of crisis has an excessive fixation on cleanliness or, conversely, on dirt. Some children suddenly become overly concerned about their health. For an unprepared parent, the behavior of the child at this stage of adaptation can cause a feeling of despair, which can lead to false conclusions: I got the “wrong” child, I can’t cope with the child, I am a bad teacher, etc. To get through this difficult period, you need to remember that you, as a foster parent, have a lot of responsibility, so you should not give up easily. Relax, remember that life is like a zebra and after dark stripes there are light ones (and vice versa), and this is normal both in the life of a foster family and in ordinary life.
Do not forget that a child is almost always much more difficult in the process of adaptation than an adult. Well, if difficulties arise, you must remember that you can always (and should!) Call a specialist. Well, in the most difficult moments (although we hope you will not have those!), Repeat to yourself: the crisis is necessary for the foster family! You still don't believe in it and don't understand why? We explain:
A crisis helps parents discover a child's problems. You have a great opportunity to better understand the child and, with the help of specialists, find ways to solve problems.
It is impossible to move on to the next stage of adaptation in a foster family, bypassing the crisis stage. Unresolved emotional problems will again and again remind of themselves, and pull the family back.
Having passed through the crisis, you will gain the necessary confidence, become a teacher of higher qualification, which will undoubtedly help you achieve greater success in strengthening the family.
The child also begins to feel more confident in the family: he knows for sure that he will not be driven away, even if he does something wrong.
With the successful passage of the crisis, the child's anxiety level decreases and self-esteem increases, which allows him to build more harmonious relationships with family members.
After all, nothing brings a family together better than overcoming hardships together!
The third stage - "Voyage"
So, congratulations, you got through the difficulties of the crisis period! Now you understand the problems of the child much better, and yours too. When a child encounters difficulties (he still has a lot of them), you support him, remind him: we are together, we can handle it. You no longer present an avalanche of requirements to the child, knowing his capabilities. In the case of "failures" in the child's behavior, you (often with the help of specialists) look for and find the causes of the problem, as well as ways to mitigate or overcome them.
At this stage, your family may also experience some problems. It often happens that parents do not pay enough attention to blood children, if they are in the family. Increased attention to the adopted child can irritate blood children, cause rejection, jealousy, rebellion. They, like a foster child, can also start to behave badly, their mood and school performance may decrease. However, problems with an adopted child help parents to better understand the problems of biological children.
As a rule, at this stage, both the adoptive parents and the child breathe freely. The child begins to feel really at home, accepts the rules of behavior adopted in the family. The appearance of the child also changes: he gains weight, the condition of his skin and hair improves, and allergic reactions stop. The child becomes more independent and self-confident. However, it should be remembered that any change that occurs in the family can have a traumatic effect on a child just starting to get used to it. In case of any changes in the family (death of a family member, departure on a business trip, illness and hospitalization, birth of a child, long-term guests, etc.), you should call a social worker who has more experience in dealing with problems of foster families and will help you to experience this situation more calmly. So, it's time to move on to the last step.
The fourth stage - "Stabilization of relations"
At this stage, the family finally becomes a family. Everyone knows what place they occupy in each other's life, all family members are satisfied with family life. An adopted child behaves in the same way as blood children, he is calm for himself and for his future, although he may be worried about the fate of his blood parents and other problems. He is happy to start going to kindergarten or school. Child: “I used to collect bottles, but now I go to the second grade!”
If a child is happy in a new family, he may be less likely to talk about his previous life, remember troubles. He will have new interests and new attachments, which he lacked so much. Blood children acquire invaluable life experience of helping the weak and pride in their parents. The foundations for the successful functioning of their future families are being laid. The quality of life of all family members and the family as a whole improves. At this stage, it is already possible to judge whether the new family has succeeded.
In no case should foster parents forget about themselves and their feelings! After all, adaptation in a new family occurs from two sides - the child gets used to the new environment, but you should get used to it too! Therefore, it is imperative to remember that you are also experiencing stress, you also need help - from your spouse, other family members, social workers, psychologists. Do not hesitate to ask for help, this will save you from emotional breakdowns and psychosomatic illnesses!
Often, candidates for foster parents ask experts for advice on the optimal age of a foster child so that his adaptation to the family takes place more successfully and painlessly. It should be noted that here much depends on the state of health, personal qualities of both the child himself and the candidates for substitute parents.
As practice shows, it is best to take on the upbringing of children who, by age, could be the children of candidates.
In addition, it is desirable that adopted children be younger than relatives (if they live with the candidates). Thus, firstly, the native child becomes an ally, who will have to take on the rights of the elder to take teaching in education, and secondly, the possibility of worsening the position of the native child is excluded (it is more difficult for the younger to offend the older).
Adoptive parents need to be aware that at the haste and speed of the child getting used to new conditions depends on his age. How earlier child will be placed in a family, the less the consequences of orphanhood will affect him. However, there are pros and cons to adopting a child of any age.
Child from 1 to 3 years old.
Pros:
— features of appearance are visible, you can assess the state of health, notice developmental pathologies (if any);
- the child is malleable to external influences, it is possible to effectively influence the development of intelligence and character traits;
- the child begins to speak, the speech is peculiar and funny;
- He moves a lot, is interested in the world around him.
Minuses:
- you need to devote a lot of time to caring for a child; there is no time left for yourself and other family members, because all the time is occupied by a curious and inquisitive baby;
- the child is prone to various diseases, colds, infections.
Child from 3 to 7 years old.
Pros:
- the child is already independent and independent;
- you can determine individual character traits, temperament;
- his abilities, inclinations and interests are manifested;
- he gets sick less often;
- he is reasonable, almost not capricious, you can talk to him like an adult, talk on various topics.
Minuses:
- he remembers individual episodes from his past life, relatives and other people;
- more work and care is needed to even out the behavior of children of this age.
Child from 7 to 12 years old.
Pros:
- the child is independent and does not require much time for care;
- visible features of character, behavior, habits, inclinations, abilities, level of intelligence;
- the child really wants to have a good family; I am ready to call any adult who has shown attention to him and taken care of him a parent;
- the child can appreciate the desire of adoptive parents to replace his relatives.
Minuses:
- it can be difficult to adapt to the peculiarities of behavior, habits, character traits and accept it as it is;
- if something is not pleasant, the child shows character;
- you need patience, the ability to restrain yourself, not to get annoyed, to understand that the child is a product of the environment and circumstances, became so not of his own free will, but through the fault of the adults around him.
Children over 12 years old.
Orphans can also be helped. With them, of course, it is very difficult. Even children from quite prosperous families at this age give their parents a lot of problems. And even more so for orphans. However, they are not so much more difficult as more unusual. It is impossible even to roughly imagine what their life experience is made of: what things an orphan teenager does not know familiar to foster parents, and what he learned from what a person of his age should not have known. Therefore, it is difficult to imagine the crippled spiritual world of this person, to predict his behavior, which may not necessarily be unbearable.
Many character traits and some personal qualities are already difficult to correct, but it is possible to change certain life attitudes and aspirations even at this age. And most importantly - you can prepare children for independent living.
Usually, children who go into foster care tend to develop remarkably quickly. Simultaneously with the formation of a sense of confidence, with the development of interpersonal relations, their speech develops significantly, their horizons expand.
Foster parents need to keep in mind that adaptation is an inevitable and difficult period for every family. Children find themselves in a completely unfamiliar environment. Most of them lose interest and activity.
To facilitate the process of adaptation of adopted children in a new family for them,pay attention to the following note :
1. Help the children realize during this period that the world around them is safe and secure. Strive to be with the child as often as possible, talk to him about what he is interested in. Listen carefully to him.
2. Try to adhere to the regime of the institution from which the child was taken for the first time.
3. Find out his eating habits. Do not insist if the child will refuse some products. Don't worry, over time he will start eating on his own.
4. Do not give him mountains of toys. They do not necessarily cause a storm of delight. Unusual toys can scare the baby.
5. Do not rush to give the child all the pleasures in maximum quantities. He needs to feel safe at home. The main thing is stability and the absence of excessive novelty, there will be plenty of it anyway. Do not rush to overload the child with impressions.
6. It is not necessary to make trips to museums, clubs, and holidays at first. First, it would be nice to get acquainted with the house.
7. Don't expect your child to immediately show positive emotional attachment to you. Rather, he will experience anxiety in your absence.
Be patient. The spiritual wounds of a child are healed by time, attention and love.
TOpsychological and pedagogical difficulties and problems, arising in connection with the appearance of a foster child in the family, include:
- jealousy or selective attitude of one of the parents to the adopted child;
- selective attitude of the child to family members, aggression towards some of them;
- inadequate, incomprehensible or uncontrollable behavior of the child in certain life situations;
- conflicts between children;
- building inadequate relationships between educators preschool institutions and teachers to the child;
- questions of the origin of the child: when and how to tell the child that he is not native, what to talk about dysfunctional parents;
- Difficulties in building relationships with blood relatives.
Each such situation requires special attention, skills pedagogically expedient to overcome it.
Organizational difficulties and challenges include:
- passing medical examinations, obtaining a compulsory medical insurance policy;
– registration and registration of the child at the place of residence of the adoptive parent;
- placing a child in a kindergarten, school;
- change of a child under guardianship or in a foster family, last name, first name (in a situation where they were assigned in an institution);
- issues arising from the implementation of the requirements of supervision procedures by the guardianship authorities, the need to write reports, for what and how to report;
- the need to find information about the child's relatives, data about his previous life in a family or state institution.
Baby's first days at home
If you took a child who was brought up in an institution, then the first days and weeks of his stay in the family, he may experience seemingly strange behavioral patterns. Many manifestations are associated with the peculiarities of children living in orphanages, which were dominated by a streaming method of education that suppresses the individuality of the child and develops the habit of rigid norms and rules.
Another factor is the almost complete absence of men in such institutions and, accordingly, the experience of children communicating with them. A sudden change in routine, expansion of the circle of contacts, separation from the usual environment can provoke anxiety, sleep disturbance, appetite, the appearance of motor disorders and inadequate reactions to your actions and words.
Remember:
1. The child had a strict regime, try not to change it immediately and not much. Find out what regime was for THIS child in THIS institution. What reactions did he show when changing the regimen, as well as what tendencies in violation of the regimen were typical for this child. If he liked to fall asleep later than the others, then let the regime shift in your house in this direction, but not much.
2. Find out the food preferences, what he ate, do not insist if the child refuses some of the most valuable foods in your opinion, such as fish, fruits, greens. Don't worry, over time he will start eating it all by himself.
3. You should not dump mountains of new toys on him, they will not necessarily cause him a storm of delight, unusual toys can scare a small child. Ask the caregivers to bring with them the toy that he is most used to. Try to recreate in the house some elements that are familiar to him from the institution and make him feel familiar and pleasant.
4. Do not overload your child with emotional experiences. At first, limit meetings with other adults and children. Guests and relatives may well wait a week or two until the child adapts a little and feels more confident in the house.
5. Eliminate new for the child sharp and loud sounds, strong odors. Remove strong-smelling plants and cosmetics from his room.
6. If you have pets, be especially careful and try to make the acquaintance go smoothly and in a friendly way, with good mood all participants in the process.
7. If your child especially likes something in food or pleasure, do not try to give it all at once and in maximum quantities. The principle of "once and to waste" does not work here, but can lead to serious disorders or allergic reactions in the child. Moderation and gradualness at this time for the child is much more important than measures to compensate for his lack of something.
8. Do not rush to increase cognitive loads. Try not to overload the child at the very first stage, it is necessary that the child feel secure in the house, and most importantly, there is stability and the absence of excessive novelty, and so the child will have plenty of it. Even older children, no matter how much you want to give them as much as possible and as soon as possible, do not rush to overload with new impressions. It is not necessary to make long walks or trips to clubs, museums and holidays. Let them get to know the house enough first.
9. Don't expect your child to immediately show positive emotional attachment; rather, he will show more concern in your absence.
10. At first, try to be with the child as often as possible together, talk to him, turning "eye to eye". Talk to him about what he is interested in, listen carefully to everything he says, but try not to react sharply to scary stories, inappropriate words. Do not stop him if he tells the horrors of his former life, plays games where he presents himself as a victim. The accumulated negativity requires an exit and cannot be forgotten in one day. Be patient. Heals time, attention and love.
The further movement of the family system through the stages of the life cycle is similar to an ordinary family with growing children.
V.V. Barabanova identifies the problem areas of the foster family:
Features of the development of blood children in a foster family, their emotional and personal well-being and development;
Psychological compatibility of all members of the new family;
The emergence of a guilt complex in parents due to dissatisfaction with the results of education;
The right of the child to leave the family and the right of parents to leave the child;
Changing relationships in the family, family roles;
The problem of marital relations.
Psychologists have identified the main problems of parents of foster families:
Feelings of insecurity and fear in parents : they are afraid that they are doing something wrong, that they cannot return the children to the children's institution, "if they do not cope with the upbringing", they are afraid of condemnation.
Increased responsibility of parents for adopted children: often parents are not ready to take responsibility for a foster child. When a foster child falls ill, a doctor is called to the house, even if their child is treated by the parents themselves for the same illness.
Inconsistency of the adopted child with the ideas of the parents: expectations often do not coincide with the reality of behavior, development of a foster child.
Degree of acceptance of the child: a positive attitude towards the child with an adequate perception of his strengths and weaknesses. This process is extremely important because it forms the basis for the formation of the relationship between foster parents and the child.
The position of the child in the foster family: difficulties with mastering a new role position: family member, son, daughter.
Relationships between natural and adopted children . The experience of many families shows two clear types of relationships between natural and adopted children.
- The separation of their own and adopted children is very noticeable, parents compare their children with adopted ones. At the moment of comparison, the "bad" child is forced to be bad. Parents are wary, they begin to forbid, threaten - hence again the child's bad deed because of the fear that he will be abandoned.
- Parents treat all children equally, all have equal living conditions.
The difficulty of the situation of native children is also noted.: they lose some of the attention and love of their parents. Therefore, it is very important to make them supporters of parents, partners in helping and caring for adopted children. In practice, this is expressed in joint decision about the adoption of the child in the family. If native children are sure that their position in the family is strong, that is, they are still loved, then they can help their parents in many ways. Through the example of their own children, foster children learn how to interact with their parents. The presence of anxiety, stress of native children is a clear indicator of the trouble of the whole family, the lack of psychological security of all family members.
There are two opposite strategies of parental behavior: 1 - foster parents allow children to do everything and pamper them; 2 - others, on the contrary, are strict and demanding towards foster children (the majority of them).
The conditions conducive to the adaptation of the child and the foster family are : awareness by the child of the long-term stay in the family, established relationships and connections; formation of attachments; child's consent to placement in a family; preparation of the child and family for life together and psychological and pedagogical support; creation by adoptive parents of an atmosphere of confidence and security, ensuring the equal position of brothers and sisters.
Adaptation of the child in a new family
Getting into new conditions, the adopted child and his new parents will experience a condition called adaptation - the process of getting used to, grinding people to each other, to changed conditions, circumstances.
Adaptation in a new family is a two-way process. both the child, who finds himself in a new environment, and adults, to the changed conditions, have to get used to each other.
Adaptation varies from child to child. Here much depends on the age of the child, and on the traits of his character. Past experience plays a big role. A child who lived his short life in a children's home, and then in an orphanage, will react differently to new conditions than a child who previously lived in a family. At the same time, the first reactions and well-being will be different for everyone. Someone will be in an elevated, excited state and strive to see everything, touch it, and if someone is nearby, ask to show it, tell about what is around. Under the influence of new impressions, overexcitation, fussiness, and a desire to frolic may occur. And someone in a new environment will be frightened, will cling to an adult, trying, as it were, to shield (protect himself) from the surging stream of impressions. Someone quickly glances at objects and things, being afraid to touch them. Having received one thing from the hands of an adult, he will press it to himself or hide it in a secluded place, afraid of losing it.
First of all, you need to make sure that nothing frightens the child, does not cause negative emotions or alerts. It can be an unusual smell in the apartment, or a pet that the child has never seen. Most likely, the reaction to family members in the child will be different. Someone will not give preference to anyone and will treat both dad and mom equally. Most often, the child first prefers someone to one. Some will prefer dad and will pay little attention to mom, while others, on the contrary, out of habit will cling to a woman, and someone will reach out to grandmother. But, despite these differences, some general patterns can be noted in the behavior of children. The behavior and well-being of the child does not remain constant, it changes over time as he gets used to the new environment. As psychologists note, when a child adapts to new conditions, there are several stages.
first stage can be described as "Acquaintance", or "Honeymoon". Here there is an anticipatory attachment to each other. Parents want to warm the child, give him all the accumulated need for love. The child feels pleasure from his new position, he is ready for life in the family. He is happy to do everything that adults offer. Many children immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they only want to fall in love with new parents.
The child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This brings many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, grab hold of a lot. Families come face to face with problems often very different from what they expected to see. Some adoptive parents begin to feel helpless or upset that they have a child in their family that is not at all what they imagined.
Adults really want the addiction process to go as smoothly as possible. In fact, in every new family there are periods of doubt, ups and downs, anxiety and unrest. We have to change the original plans to some extent. No one can predict in advance what surprises may arise.
The second stage can be defined as "Return to the Past", or "Regression". The first impressions subsided, the euphoria passed, a certain order was established, a painstaking and lengthy process of rubbing, getting used to each other by family members begins - mutual adaptation. The child understands that these are other people, in the family there are other rules. He can not immediately adapt to a new relationship. He obeyed the rules almost unquestioningly while it was new. But now the novelty has disappeared, and he tries to behave as before, looking closely at what others like and dislike. There is a very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior.
As psychologists note, at this stage, children may experience symptoms such as: fixation on cleanliness, neatness, or, conversely, dirt and untidiness; feeling helpless or dependent; excessive concern about one's health, exaggerated complaints, hypersensitivity, rejection of new things, inexplicable fits of anger, crying, fatigue or anxiety, signs of depression, etc.
During these months, psychological barriers are often found: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, your habits and the habits of the child.
Children brought up in orphanages develop their own ideal family during their stay in them, everyone lives in the expectation of mom and dad. This ideal is associated with the feeling of a holiday, walks, games. Adults, busy with everyday problems, do not find time for the child, they leave it alone with itself, considering it big (“Go, play, do something ...”). Or they overprotect the child, controlling his every step.
Many adults who are faced with these problems lack the strength, and most importantly, the patience to wait until the child does what they need. Particularly pronounced during this period are: lack of knowledge about the characteristics of age, the ability to establish contact, trusting relationships and choose desired style communication. Attempts to rely on their own life experience, on the fact that they were brought up that way, often fail.
There is a difference in the views on parenting, the influence of authoritarian pedagogy, the desire for an abstract ideal, overstated or, conversely, underestimated requirements for the child. The process of education is seen as the correction of innate defects. The joy of communication, the naturalness of relationships disappears. There may be a desire to subordinate the child to himself, to his power. Instead of natural acceptance of the child, his dignity is downplayed. Instead of a sensitive response to the slightest achievements of the child, his comparison with peers begins, which is often not in favor of the adopted child.
Sometimes during this period the child regresses in his behavior to a level that does not correspond to his age. Some become too demanding and capricious, preferring to play with younger children and dominate them. Others show hostility to their new surroundings. Some children may experience unexplained bouts of anger, crying, fatigue, or anxiety. There is a return of enuresis, bad habits.
Having got used to the new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. This search is not always successful. To get attention, the child may change behavior in unexpected ways. A cheerful, active child suddenly becomes capricious, often cries for a long time, begins to fight with his parents or with his brother, sister (if any), does in spite of what they do not like. And gloomy, withdrawn - to show interest in the environment, especially when no one is watching him, acts on the sly or becomes unusually active
It is very important to observe the behavior of the child and understand its causes, it is useful to turn to specialists, psychologists or the same adoptive parents.
The successful overcoming of the difficulties of this adaptation period is evidenced by a change in the appearance of the child: the expression and complexion of the face change, it becomes more meaningful, a smile and laughter appear more often. The child becomes lively, more responsive, "blooms". It has been repeatedly noted that after a successful adoption, “new” hair begins to grow in children (from dull they become shiny), many allergic phenomena disappear, enuresis stops, weight gain is obvious.
The third stage is "Addiction", or "Slow Recovery". If before the child was attracted by kids, now he chooses companies close to him in age. Tension disappears, children begin to joke and discuss their problems and difficulties with adults. The child gets used to the rules of behavior in the family. He begins to behave as naturally as a natural child behaves in a blood family. The child takes an active part in all family affairs. Without tension, he recalls his past life. Behavior corresponds to the characteristics of the character and is fully adequate to the situations.
He feels free, becomes more independent and independent. For many children, even the appearance changes, the look becomes more expressive. They become more emotional; disinhibited - more restrained, and clamped - more open. If a child feels good about himself, there is attachment to parents and reciprocal feelings.
If the parents could not find a way to the heart of the child and establish a trusting relationship, then the previous personality flaws (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, striving for vagrancy), as well as vindictiveness or a demonstration of helplessness, demanding excessive attention or stubbornness, negativism. That is, each child is looking for his own way of protection from adverse external influences.
After a year and a half, it can be said that families that have “lasted” for such a long time will be able to exist for an arbitrarily long time. Parents are satisfied with their role and the situation in the house, many are satisfied that the child has taken root well in the family.
So, building any relationship takes time. Joint classes, games, conversations; giving the child the opportunity to express what is on his mind; understanding of his problems and insight into his interests; help and support if the child is upset, care and concern if he is sick. All this, over time, will certainly create an emotional closeness between the new parents and the adopted child.
Ways to overcome the difficulties of adaptation.
It is important to see what the child expects from you the most, what is most necessary for him. Watch how the child expresses his love to you. It may very well be that he communicates with you the way he wants you to communicate with him. That is, he speaks in a “language of love” that he understands. For example, if a girl constantly tells her foster mother about how beautiful her mother is, how good she looks, then it may turn out that she herself needs the same words of encouragement. If she often expresses her feelings with hugs, kisses, then, most likely, she herself wants more. bodily contact, touch. If a child fills you with postcards, gives you his drawings and crafts, then it may well be that it is important for him to receive present. When your child demands all your attention to himself: “Let's play, read, take a walk,” then the response attention on your part and the time you spend communicating with him will mean a lot to him. In addition, the same expression of love can be your help child in what he himself cannot yet do on his own.
In order to determine what is most important for your child as a confirmation of love, you can:
- think about how the child expresses his love to others;
- remember what he asks for most often;
- pay attention to what your child complains about most often;
- give him the opportunity to choose from several options.
You can, for example, say: “I want us to have the most interesting time possible. I have almost nothing to do today. What would you like - to walk together (attention, time) or cook a delicious family meal together (help)? Or: “I will be very busy in the coming days, I will not be at home much, I want to do something nice for you. I can bring you something present or compose a poem in your honor (encouragement)».
In addition, the game "Because ..." can become an assistant in confirming parental love. It is played like this: you have to take it in turns to come up with the continuation of the phrase: “I love you because ...” It is fun, takes almost no time, and instills confidence and peace in the child.
The further movement of the family system through the stages of the life cycle is similar to an ordinary family with growing children.
Baby's first days at home
A reminder to novice parents - some recommendations.
If you took a child who was brought up in an institution, then the first days and weeks of his stay in the family, he may experience seemingly strange behavioral patterns. In this memo, we will try to explain their causes and give some recommendations on how to smooth out possible problems and make it easier for the child to get used to the family and its way of life.
The fact is that in almost all children's orphanages, in connection with the peculiarities of their organization, a stream method of education is used for children, which suppresses the individuality of the child and develops the habit of strict norms and rules. Another factor is the almost complete absence of men in such institutions and, accordingly, the experience of children communicating with them. A sudden change in routine, expansion of the circle of contacts, separation from the usual environment can provoke anxiety, sleep disturbance, appetite, the appearance of motor disorders and inadequate reactions to your actions and words.
1. The child had a strict regime, try not to change it immediately and not much. Find out what regime was for THIS child in THIS institution. What reactions did he show when changing the regimen, as well as what tendencies in violation of the regimen were typical for this child. If he liked to fall asleep later than the others, then let the regime shift in your house in this direction, but not much.
2. Find out the food preferences, what he ate, do not insist if the child refuses some of the most valuable foods in your opinion, such as fish, fruits, greens. Don't worry, over time he will start eating it all by himself.
3. Do not dump mountains of new toys on him, they will not necessarily cause him a storm of delight, unusual toys can scare a small child. Ask the caregivers to bring with them the toy that he is most used to. Try to recreate in the house some elements that are familiar to him from the institution and make him feel familiar and pleasant.
4. Do not overload the child with emotional impressions. At first, limit meetings with other adults and children. Guests and relatives may well wait a week or two until the child adapts a little and feels more confident in the house.
5. Eliminate harsh and loud sounds, strong smells that are new to the child. Remove strong-smelling plants and cosmetics from his room.
6. If you have pets, be especially careful and try to get acquainted smoothly and in a friendly manner, with a good mood of all participants in the process.
7. If a child especially likes something in food or pleasure, do not try to give it all at once and in maximum quantities. The principle of "once and to waste" does not work here, but can lead to serious disorders or allergic reactions in the child. Moderation and gradualness at this time for the child is much more important than measures to compensate for his lack of something.
8. Do not rush to increase cognitive loads. Try not to overload the child at the very first stage, it is necessary that the child feel secure in the house, and most importantly, there is stability and the absence of excessive novelty, and so the child will have plenty of it. Even older children, no matter how much you want to give them as much as possible and as soon as possible, do not rush to overload with new impressions. It is not necessary to make long walks or trips to clubs, museums and holidays. Let them get to know the house enough first.
9. Don't expect your child to immediately show positive emotional attachment; rather, he will show concern more vividly in your absence.
10. At first, try to be with the child as often as possible together, talk to him, turning "eye to eye." Talk to him about what he is interested in, listen carefully to everything he says, but try not to react sharply to scary stories, inappropriate words. Do not stop him if he tells the horrors of his former life, plays games where he presents himself as a victim. The accumulated negativity requires an exit and cannot be forgotten in one day. Be patient. Heals time, attention and love.
To make it easier to imagine what happens to a child during the first days of settling in a new home, try to imagine that you suddenly found yourself on an alien planet, where there is a sea of new incomprehensible sensations, and every unfamiliar rustle contains a threat and the only one who can help him feel in security, it's you.
Adoption mystery. Its real and imaginary advantages and difficulties. Ways to tell a child that he is adopted.
Should I tell my child that he is not native? This question is asked by all parents who have adopted a child. If you still say, when and how to do it as painlessly as possible?
Bitter truth or sweet lie?
This question begins to torment adoptive parents even before the baby comes to the family and stays with them all the time while the truth about the biological parents is hidden along with the adoption documents in forgotten corners of the house.
Your main desire is not to hurt your child. It seems to you that the bitter truth can poison his life forever. You seem to be trying on this situation for yourself, you are thinking about how you would feel if suddenly the parents you love turned out to be non-native. Surely that would be a blow. And first of all, this is a crushing blow to self-esteem: "I'm not needed, they rejected me, I'm bad, worse than others."
However, some refused, while others agreed. Here they are, people who love, care and wish only good. If you look at this situation through the eyes of a child, you see only the fact of refusal. And if you look at her through the eyes of an adult, then you understand that those who abandoned the baby for some reason were not ready for his appearance or could not raise him safely. You have such an opportunity, your actions were realized, you are ready to love and raise this person. So, he did not lose anything, but only gained from the change of parents. And you, having life experience, are able to convey this idea to your child and prove that the refusal of biological parents has nothing to do with his personality. That he personally did not become worse from this.
With this position, you not only do not hurt him by revealing your secret, but add respect and gratitude to your relationship.
Imagine yourself in the place of a teenager who is informed that his mother and father, whom he remembers from childhood, did not give birth to him, but took him from an orphanage. One of the first questions that comes to mind in such a situation is "Why didn't they tell me sooner?". For most people, the bitter truth is really more expensive than the sweet lie, because the realization that the people closest to you in life have been deceiving for a long time is very painful, sometimes even unbearable. After all, up to a certain point, a child perceives his whole life through his parents, their words are the truth in the first instance. And if suddenly such a fundamental stone is knocked out of the foundation of trust, then every word ever uttered by loved ones is called into question. This can permanently undermine the child's trust, both in their parents and in people in general.
Of course, there are people who prefer to live in an illusory world, but life, as a rule, tends to knock off their rose-colored glasses sooner or later. In this case, chatty neighbors, doctors and other people who will be aware that your child is not native can become your executioners. And then it will be the worst possible option.
When the time comes?
Most adoptive parents deliberately delay the moment of revealing the truth, because they believe that children are not able to understand at an early age what an orphanage is, the difference between biological and adoptive parents. Most often, this is not the case, and parents try to deceive themselves, hiding behind the unpreparedness of the baby for a difficult discovery. It's just that parents are afraid that, having learned that they are "not real" parents, the child will no longer consider them as family people, and harmony in the family will be broken. If a child began to wonder about his birth, then he is ready for any information that his parents will give him, the main thing is that it be as close to the truth as possible. He should not feel cheated.
If from the very beginning you do not make a secret out of this and talk about its appearance in your family as something natural and positive, then the reaction of the baby will be appropriate. So the best age to solve the mystery is the age of the first questions from the "Where did I come from?" series.
If you tell your child that he is adopted even before he can speak, this word will become so firmly established in the lexicon that it will not cause any negative emotions. Judge for yourself, is it possible to resist the confession: "How glad we are that we adopted you! After all, we have been waiting for you for so long, we missed you..."
But situations are different, and children are different. Someone starts asking questions about their birth earlier, someone later, and someone already started telling a lie some time ago and only then they realized that no matter how much the rope twists, the end will still be.
Choosing the right words
Children under the age of four are little interested in the details of their birth, they still have almost no past and no ideas about the future at all. They only live in the now. And therefore it is important for them that at this moment everything is easy and harmonious. Very sensitive to the state of mind of their parents, the kids at this time will accurately identify topics that you do not want to talk to them about, and will not ask questions. And this is not because they are not interested, but because the parents do not want to answer questions. During this period in the life of babies, the most important thing is not what you will say to them, but what you yourself will feel in your heart when you raise the issue of adoption. Learn and feel once and for all that this is not a shameful, painful secret under seven locks. Perhaps you saved the life of this child, and there is nothing to worry about if instead of a stork or a cabbage in your story, a house already appears where children are brought, in which you have chosen a wonderful baby.
At this age, you can already begin to lay a favorable foundation for the future understanding of the child that there is nothing wrong with adoptive parents. Regardless of his personality, you can tell him a story about foster parents or act out such a scene while playing with dolls. Well suited, for example, the story of Mowgli, where the adopted child became a forest hero. And, accordingly, try to avoid fairy tales with evil stepmothers who mock their stepdaughters. Thus, you lay in the baby experience and a certain attitude towards the status of a foster child. So it will be much easier for him to accept this news in the future.
For a child under the age of four, all the words of mom and dad are taken literally. Bypassing the stories about cabbage, you can say that you adopted a child, i.e. have a son or daughter. Not understanding the true meaning of this process, he will calm down on this, having learned the truth, but, as before, considering you to be the real mom and dad.
Another good thing for the future is to collect information about the part of your child's past that he did not spend with you. You can take a picture of the orphanage and you and your baby in front of it. And if you have information about his first home, then you should take a picture of him too. Collect all the information, even the most insignificant in your opinion, because, most likely, when the baby grows up, he will want to know the whole truth, and then you will have the opportunity to help him.
Between the ages of five and seven, children begin to be overwhelmed by hundreds of questions, including about their birth. Here they themselves will make it easier for you, with genuine interest, finding out the meaning of each word you utter, because it is already important for them to know not only that everything is in order, it is important for them to really understand how it happened. This is the most suitable period for discovering the secret of his birth.
It is necessary to answer the questions of the baby calmly, clearly, simply and as clearly as possible for his level of development. Do not try to talk to him about this as with an adult, and motivate the departure of his parents with global social problems or something else that is difficult to understand at this age, but you can be scared. But there is no need to tell good positive fairy tales that have nothing to do with reality either. Choose the path of plain truth accompanied by a kind, loving smile.
Do not forget to mention in your story that there are parents who can give birth and raise a child. And there are those who can give birth, but cannot bring up. And there are, finally, those who cannot give birth, but can bring them up. Then those who gave birth give their children to those who can raise them, and then everyone is happy - both parents and the child.
Be prepared for the fact that the child may ask you more than once or twice about the history of his appearance in your family. It happens that children need to hear the same story several times in order to fix their ideas on a topic in their memory. At such moments, you can check how correctly the baby understood you. You can ask him to tell the story of his birth to his toys and correct him if necessary. Such a check is very important, because very soon he will run to tell the same thing to his peers in the yard. And his little friends may have very different ideas about adoption. The child should have a clear, objective and positive picture in his head, which cannot be displaced by extraneous information from the series "but I heard somewhere ...".
During this period, children often have problems attending kindergarten. The kid will be afraid that his parents will not come for him and leave him there forever. In order to avoid this problem, or at least mitigate it, it is necessary to clearly separate in the child's head the reasons why he once ended up in an orphanage, and the reasons why he goes to kindergarten. Emphasize what is in kindergarten he will be fun and interesting, there he will play, walk, eat and sleep during "quiet time" with other children, and then he and other children will go home to their fathers and mothers in the evening. And you yourself would go with him with great pleasure, but adults are not allowed there.
Pre-teenage and adolescence (i.e., from 12 and older) is the most difficult and inappropriate for such news, because at this moment everything and everything is called into question by the child, mood and self-esteem jumps, any words and actions of parents are perceived with hostility. The child often experiences a feeling of loneliness, he does not understand many social phenomena, the world seems to him hostile and unpredictable. At this moment, the message that he was once abandoned and then did not tell the truth for a long time will be very painful, so at this age you need to choose your words as carefully as possible.
When you decide to tell your child that he is adopted, it is very important to choose a moment in your relationship when there are no misunderstandings, because. your message may seem to him a suitable rationale for ongoing family conflicts. It is worth immediately emphasizing the fact that all this time you loved and love him, and the biological origin has not affected, and will not affect your attitude towards him.
Undoubtedly, it is worth apologizing to the child that you did not reveal the truth to him earlier. Explain your decision to hide the truth by the fact that for you he has always been and will be dear, and that you did not want to hurt him. And say it now because he has become an adult. And therefore you can talk to him as an adult, hoping for complete understanding and support.
Often in adolescence, adopted children have a desire to find their biological parents. At this age, adolescents are closely occupied with self-determination, awareness of their role in society, etc. It may seem to them that by finding their real mom and dad, they will be able to find answers to many questions concerning themselves. Do not interfere with starting the search, even help by providing all the information you have. However, it is worth warning the child that the likelihood of disappointment is high. Perhaps the biological parents do not want to make contact, they may be sick, etc. Be prepared to reassure and support your child with all possible strength in case of failure. Do not forget to also tell him that each of us chooses his own path, that the child is not obliged to follow in the footsteps of both adoptive and biological parents. And if, nevertheless, the child decides to leave you, tell him that you will wait for him, love and miss him.
Children end up in someone else's family different reasons. They may have different life experiences, in addition, each of them has their own individual needs. However, each of them is experiencing the psychological trauma caused by parting with native family. When children are placed in foster care, they are separated from people they know and trust and placed in a completely different environment. Getting used to a new environment and new living conditions is associated with a number of difficulties, which a child cannot cope with without the help of adults.
How a child copes with separation is influenced by the emotional bonds that develop in early childhood. Between the ages of six months and two years, a child develops an attachment to the person who encourages him as much as possible and most sensitively responds to all needs. Usually this person is the mother, since it is she who most often feeds, clothes and cares for the child. However, not only the satisfaction of the physical needs of the child contributes to the formation of certain attachments in him. An emotional attitude towards him is very important, which is expressed through a smile, bodily and visual contact, conversations, i.e. complete communication with him. If attachments are not formed in a child by the age of two, the likelihood of their successful formation at an older age decreases (a vivid example of this are children who have been in special institutions since birth, where there is no constant individual contact with an adult caring for them).
If a child has never experienced any affection, he, as a rule, does not react in any way to parting with his birth parents. Conversely, if he has developed a natural attachment to his family members or people who replace them, he is likely to react violently to being taken away from his family. A child can experience real grief for a while, and everyone experiences it in their own way. It is very important that adoptive parents can anticipate the child's reaction to separation from relatives and show sensitivity.
Foster parents can help children deal with their bitter feelings by accepting them for who they are and helping them put their feelings into words. Often this may be due to an ambivalent attitude towards their parents. On the one hand, they continue to love them, and on the other hand, they feel disappointed and offended by them, because it is their fault that they have to live in a strange family. The feeling of confusion that children experience because of feelings of love and longing for their family and hatred of parents for their imaginary or real actions is very painful. Being in a state of prolonged emotional stress, they may aggressively perceive the attempts of adoptive parents to get closer to them. Therefore, adoptive parents need to foresee the appearance of such reactions on the part of adopted children and try to help them get rid of their negative experiences as soon as possible and adapt in a new family.
It is very important for foster parents to understand that children experience no less difficulties than adults when they get into new living conditions. At the same time, due to age-related characteristics, they quickly adapt to changed circumstances and often either do not realize or simply do not think about the complexities of a new life.
The process of adaptation of a child in a foster family goes through a number of periods, each of which social, psychological, emotional and pedagogical barriers.
The first period of adaptation is introductory. Its duration is short, about two weeks. The most pronounced during this period are social and emotional barriers. Particular attention should be paid to the first meeting of potential parents with the child. Preliminary preparation for the meeting of both sides is important here. Even small children are worried about this event. On the eve they are excited, cannot fall asleep for a long time, become fussy, restless. Older children experience fear of meeting their intended adoptive parents and may turn to adults around them (caregivers, medical workers) with a request not to send them anywhere, to leave them in an orphanage (hospital), although the day before they expressed their readiness to live in a family, to leave with new parents in any country. Older preschoolers and schoolchildren have a fear of unfamiliar speech and learning a new language.
At the time of the meeting, emotionally responsive children willingly go towards their future parents, some rush to them with a cry of “Mom!”, hug, kiss. Others, on the contrary, become overly constrained, cling to the adult accompanying them, do not let go of his hand, and the adult in this situation has to tell them how to approach and what to say to future parents. Such children with great difficulty part with their familiar environment, cry, refuse to get acquainted. Such behavior often confuses foster parents: it seems to them that the child did not like them, they begin to worry that he will not love them.
It is easiest to establish contact with such a child through unusual toys, objects, gifts, but at the same time, adoptive parents need to take into account the age, gender, interests, and level of development of the child. Often, in order to establish contact with a child, adults have to “give up principles”, as if following the child’s lead, indulging his desires, since it is difficult to win the favor of a small person with prohibitions and restrictions during this period. For example, many children from the orphanage are afraid to sleep alone, to stay in a room without adults. Therefore, at first, you have to either take the child to your bedroom, or stay with him until he falls asleep. Disciplining educational restrictions, punishments will have to be applied later, when such a child gets used to new conditions, accepts adults as his own. It is necessary to accustom the child to the regime, the new order in these conditions tactfully, but persistently, constantly reminding him of what he forgot. This is natural for any person, even an adult who finds himself in new conditions. Therefore, at first, the child should not be overloaded with various rules and instructions, but one should not deviate from one's requirements either.
In the environment of the child there are many new people whom he is not able to remember. He sometimes forgets where dad and mom are, does not immediately say what their names are, confuses names, family relationships, asks again: “What is your name?”, “Who is it?” This is not evidence of a bad memory, but is due to the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to assimilate in a short time spent in a new environment. And at the same time, quite often, sometimes quite unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the most inopportune time, children remember their former parents, episodes and facts from their former life. They begin to share impressions spontaneously, but if specifically asked about their former life, they are reluctant to answer or speak. Therefore, one should not focus on this and allow the child to splash out his feelings and experiences related to his former life. The conflict that the child experiences, not knowing with whom he should identify himself, can be so strong that he is unable to identify himself with either the former family or the current one. In this regard, it will be very useful for the child to be helped in the analysis of his own feelings underlying such a conflict.
Emotional difficulties the child is that finding a family is accompanied by an experience of joy and anxiety at the same time. This brings many children into a feverishly excited state. They become fussy, restless, grab onto a lot and cannot concentrate on one thing for a long time. During this period, curiosity and cognitive interests awakened in the child by circumstances become a gratifying phenomenon. Literally, questions about everything that surrounds him spill out of him like a fountain. The task of an adult is not to dismiss these questions and patiently explain everything that interests and worries him at an accessible level. Gradually, as the cognitive need associated with the new environment is satisfied, these questions will dry up, as much will become clear to the child and he will be able to figure out something on his own.
There are children who in the first week withdraw into themselves, feel fear, become sullen, have difficulty making contact, hardly talk to anyone, do not part with old things and toys, are afraid to lose them, often cry, become apathetic, depressive, or adults' attempts to establish interaction are met with aggression. In international adoption at this stage, a language barrier arises, which greatly complicates contacts between the child and adults. The first delights from new things, toys are replaced by misunderstanding, and, being alone, children and parents begin to be weary of the impossibility of communication, resort to gestures, expressive movements. Meeting with people who speak their native language, children move away from their parents, asking not to leave them or take them to themselves. Therefore, foster parents should take into account the possibility of such difficulties in mutual adaptation and prepare in advance to find the necessary means to eliminate them as soon as possible.
The second period of adaptation is adaptive. It lasts from two to four months. Having mastered the new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. At first, he almost unquestioningly obeys the rules, but, gradually getting used to it, he tries to behave as before, looking closely at what others like and dislike. There is a very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior. Therefore, adults should not be surprised by the fact that a previously cheerful and active child suddenly becomes capricious, often cries for a long time, begins to fight with parents or with an acquired brother and sister, and a gloomy and withdrawn child begins to show interest in the environment, especially when no one is behind him. observes, acts on the sly. Some children experience a regression in behavior, the loss of positive skills they had: they cease to follow the rules of hygiene, stop talking or begin to stutter, they may resume their previous health problems. This is an objective indicator of the significance for the child of previous relationships that make themselves felt at the level of psychosomatics.
Foster parents should keep in mind that the child may clearly show a lack of skills and habits necessary for life in the family. Children stop liking brushing their teeth, making their bed, putting things in order if they have not been accustomed to this before, as the novelty of impressions has disappeared. An important role in this period begins to play the personality of the parents, their ability to contact, the ability to establish a trusting relationship with the child. If adults have managed to win over the child, then he refuses that he does not receive their support. If the wrong educational tactics were chosen by adults, the child slowly begins to do everything to spite them. Sometimes he looks for an opportunity to return to his former way of life: he begins to ask for the guys, remembers the educators. Older children sometimes run away from a new family.
In the second period of adaptation in the foster family are very clearly detected psychological barriers: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, habits, memory problems, underdevelopment of the imagination, narrowness of outlook and knowledge about the environment, lag in the intellectual sphere.
Children brought up in orphanages form their own ideal family, everyone lives in the expectation of mom and dad. The feeling of a holiday, walks, joint games is associated with this ideal. Adults, busy with everyday problems, sometimes do not find time for the child, leave him alone with himself, considering him large and completely independent, able to find something to his liking. Sometimes, on the contrary, they overprotect the child, controlling his every step. All this complicates the process of a child entering a new social environment for him and the emergence of emotional attachment to foster parents.
During this period, significant pedagogical barriers:
§ parents' lack of knowledge about the peculiarities of age;
§ inability to establish contact, trusting relationship with the child;
§ an attempt to rely on one's life experience, on the fact that “we were brought up that way”;
§ there is a difference in views on education, the influence of authoritarian pedagogy;
§ striving for an abstract ideal;
§ overestimated or, conversely, underestimated requirements for the child.
The successful overcoming of the difficulties of this period is evidenced by a change not only in the behavior, but in the appearance of the child: the expression of his face changes, it becomes more meaningful, lively, “blooms”. In international adoptions, it has been repeatedly noted that the child's hair begins to grow, all allergic phenomena disappear, and the symptoms of previous diseases disappear. He begins to perceive his foster family as his own, tries to "fit" into the rules that existed in it even before his appearance.
The third stage is habituation. Children are less and less likely to remember the past. The child is well in the family, he almost does not remember his former life, having appreciated the advantages of staying in the family, attachment to his parents appears, reciprocal feelings arise.
If the parents could not find an approach to the child, all the previous personality flaws (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, striving for vagrancy) begin to clearly manifest in him. each child seeks his own way of psychological protection from everything that does not suit him in the foster family.
Difficulties in adapting to foster parents can make themselves felt in adolescence, when the child awakens interest in his "I", the history of his appearance. Adopted children want to know who their real parents are, where they are, there is a desire to look at them. This creates emotional barriers in parent-child relationships. They arise even when the relationship between the child and the adoptive parents is excellent. Children's behavior changes: they withdraw into themselves, hide, begin to write letters, go in search, ask everyone who is somehow related to their adoption. Alienation may occur between adults and children, sincerity and trust in relationships may disappear for a while.
Experts say that what older age child, the more dangerous for his mental development is adoption. It is assumed that the child's desire to find his true (biological) parents plays a big role in this. Approximately 45% of adopted children have mental disorders, according to a number of authors, associated with the child's constant thoughts about his real parents. Therefore, families adopting children should be aware of the specific skills that they have to learn in the first place. Adoptive parents need the skills to establish and maintain links with adoption agencies. In addition, they must be able to interact with legal authorities in the course of adopting a child.
What determines the duration of the adaptation period? Are the barriers that always arise in its process so complex and are their occurrence necessary? It is quite natural that these questions cannot but excite adoptive parents. Therefore, they should learn a few immutable truths that will help them cope with the difficulties of the adaptation period in the family.
Firstly, it all depends on the individual characteristics of the child and on the individual characteristics of the parents. Secondly, much is determined by the quality of the selection of candidates for adoptive parents for a particular child. Third, of great importance is the preparedness of both the child himself for changes in life, and parents for the characteristics of children. Fourth, the degree of psychological and pedagogical education of adults about relationships with children, their ability to competently use this knowledge in their educational practice is important.
Peculiarities of upbringing in a foster family.
When adopting a child, adoptive parents will need the ability to create a favorable family environment for him. This means that they should not only help the child adapt to new conditions for him and feel like a full member of the family that adopted him. At the same time, new parents should help ensure that the child can understand his family of origin and not interrupt contact with it, since it is quite often very important for children to know that they still have birth parents, who are, as it were, an integral part of their ideas about themselves. yourself.
Adoptive parents may also need skills to interact with older children if, prior to adoption, they lived in one or another children's institution that replaced their family. Therefore, they could have individual emotional problems, which adoptive parents will be able to cope with only if they have special knowledge and upbringing skills. The adoptive parents and the adopted child may belong to different racial and ethnic groups. Appropriate parenting skills will help adopted or adopted children cope with feelings of separation and isolation from their former world.
Sometimes adopted children may not know how to communicate with foster parents due to poor relationships in the family of origin. They expect to be severely punished for minor infractions or that adults will not care what they do as long as they are not interfered with. Some children may be hostile towards adoptive parents either because they feel like everyone is conspiring to take them away from their family of origin, or because they can't handle the anger, fear, and hurtful feelings they have for their parents. own parents. Or children may be hostile to themselves and do things that harm themselves in the first place. They may try to hide or deny these feelings by withdrawing from their adoptive parents or showing complete indifference to them.
The feeling of confusion that children experience, on the one hand, because of the feeling of love and longing for their family and, on the other hand, hatred of their parents and themselves for imaginary and real actions, is very painful. Being in a state of emotional stress, these children may commit aggressive actions against adoptive parents. All this should be known to those who have decided to take a serious step in adopting a child who has parted with his own family.
In addition, the child may have mental, mental and emotional abnormalities, which will also require specific knowledge and skills from the adoptive parents.
Very often, children, especially those under the age of ten, absolutely do not understand why they are taken from their own family and placed in a strange one for upbringing. Therefore, later they begin to fantasize or come up with various reasons, which in itself is destructive. Often the emotional state of children is characterized by a whole range of negative experiences: love for parents is mixed with a feeling of disappointment, because it was their antisocial lifestyle that led to separation; feeling of guilt for what is happening; low self-esteem; expectation of punishment or indifference on the part of foster parents, aggression, etc. This “trail” of negative experiences follows the child to the foster family, even if the child has been in the center for a long time and has completed a course of rehabilitation and preparation for life in a new environment. It is also obvious that the influence of these experiences on the atmosphere of the foster family is inevitable, requiring a review of the existing relations between its members, mutual concessions, specific knowledge and skills. With a high degree of probability, we can conclude that parents who are able to realize the essence of the new relationships they enter into, who take the initiative in this process, will be able to better predict and analyze the process of education, which will ultimately lead to a creative and successful family life.
Most of the responsibility for the process of social formation of the child, as well as his personal and psychological development lies with the adoptive parents.
Both foster children and foster parents, as well as their own children, also need time to adapt to the habits and characteristics of the child taken into care. At the same time, native children, no less than adopted ones, need to protect their interests and rights. In the development of relations between an adopted child and natural children, it is very important that the latter have a say in the decision to adopt another child into the family. Native children can provide invaluable assistance in caring for him if, firstly, they realize the importance of the task they perform and, secondly, they are sure that they have a strong position in the family. Very often, native children are much better than parents in helping a newcomer get used to the family daily routine, expressing his feelings, getting to know neighbors, etc. Native children can serve as an example of interaction with parents for an adopted child, especially the former family left much to be desired.
A difficult situation develops in a foster family, in which parents constantly compare their children with foster families. At the moment of comparison, the "bad" child is forced to be bad and unconsciously acts badly. Parents are wary, they begin to educate, forbid, threaten - hence again a bad deed because of the fear that they will refuse it.
Therefore, one should dwell separately on the nature of parent-child relations precisely in those families that, for various reasons, after a certain time, abandon the adopted child and return him to the orphanage. The features characteristic of this group of families are manifested primarily in the study of the motives of family upbringing and parental positions.
Can be distinguished two large groups of motives for education. Motives, the emergence of which is more connected with the life experience of parents, with memories of their own childhood experience, with their personal characteristics. And the motives of education, which arise to a greater extent as a result of marital relations.
§ education as the realization of the need for achievement;
§ upbringing as the realization of overvalued ideals or certain qualities;
§ upbringing as the realization of a need in the meaning of life.
§ education as a realization of the need for emotional contact;
§ education as the implementation of a certain system.
This division of the motives of upbringing in a foster family, of course, is conditional. In the real life of the family, all these motivational tendencies, emanating from one or both parents and from their marital relations, are intertwined in daily interaction with the child, in the life of each family. However, the above distinction is useful, as it allows, when constructing the correction of motivational structures, to make the personality of the parents the center of psychological influence in one family, and in another to direct the influence to a greater extent on marital relations.
Consider the situation of parents of adopted children, for whom upbringing has become the main activity, the motive of which is to realize the need for the meaning of life. As you know, the satisfaction of this need is connected with the substantiation for oneself of the meaning of one's being, with a clear, practically acceptable and worthy of the approval of the person himself, the direction of his actions. For parents who have adopted children for upbringing, the meaning of life is filled with caring for the child. Parents do not always realize this, believing that the purpose of their life is completely different. They feel happy and joyful only in direct communication with the child and in matters related to caring for him. Such parents are characterized by an attempt to create and maintain an excessively close personal distance with the adopted child. Growing up and the age-related and natural estrangement of the child from foster parents, the increase in the subjective significance of other people for him, is perceived unconsciously as a threat to his own needs. For such parents, the position “to live instead of a child” is typical, so they strive to merge their lives with the lives of their children.
Another, but no less disturbing, picture is observed in the parents of adopted children, whose main motive for raising them arose to a greater extent as a result of marital relations. Usually, even before marriage, women and men had certain, fairly pronounced emotional expectations (settings). So, women, due to their personal characteristics, felt the need to love and patronize a man. Men, by virtue of the same features, experienced mainly the need for care and love for themselves on the part of a woman. It may seem that such compatible expectations will lead to a happy, mutually satisfying marriage. In any case, at the beginning of their life together, acceptable warm and friendly relations prevailed between the spouses. But the one-sidedness of the expectations of the husband and wife in relation to each other became more and more obvious and gradually led to an aggravation emotional relationships in family.
An attempt by one of the spouses to change the nature of their expectations in relation to the other, for example, to make them reverse or mutual (harmonious), met with opposition. The family begins to "fever". Agreement is broken, mutual accusations, reproaches, suspicions arise, conflict situations. More and more clearly, problems in intimate relationships between spouses begin to worsen. A “struggle for power” takes place, ending with the refusal of one of the spouses from claims to dominance and the victory of the other, who establishes a rigid type of his influence. The structure of relations in the family becomes fixed, rigid and formalized, or there is a redistribution of family roles. In some cases, there may be a real threat of family breakup.
In such a situation, the problems and difficulties that arise in the upbringing of adopted children are in the main social areas the same as those that arise in the upbringing of native children. Some people who want to raise a child judge him by his external data, without taking into account his previous experiences. Adopted children taken from dysfunctional families are usually weak, suffering from malnutrition, uncleanliness of parents, from chronic rhinitis, etc. They have not childishly serious eyes, they are tested, closed. Among them there are apathetic, dumb children, some of them, on the contrary, are very restless, importunately imposing contact with adults. However, in a family, sooner or later, these features of neglected children disappear, children change so much that it is difficult to recognize them.
It is clear that we are not talking about beautiful new clothes, which are usually prepared in sufficient quantities for the meeting of the child. It's about about its general appearance, about its relation to environment. A child after a few months of living in a good new family looks like a confident, healthy, cheerful and joyful person.
Some doctors and psychologists are of the opinion that it is better not to tell new parents a lot about the fate and blood parents of the child, so as not to frighten them and force them to live in anxiety, in anticipation of some undesirable manifestations in the child. Some adoptive parents themselves refuse to receive information about the child, assuming that without it they will become more attached to him. However, based on practical experience, it can be argued that it is better for adoptive parents to learn all the basic information about the child.
First of all, it is necessary to learn about the possibilities and prospects of the child, about his skills, needs and difficulties in education. This information should not disturb new parents and cause them anxiety. On the contrary, these data should give them confidence that nothing will surprise them, and they will not learn something that parents usually know about their own child. Awareness of parents should contribute to the rapid choice of their correct position in relation to the child, the selection of the correct method of education, which will help them form a real, optimistic view of the child and the process of his upbringing.
So, the adopted child came to a new family. This significant and joyful event is at the same time a serious test. If there are other children in the family, then parents usually do not expect complications, they are calm, as they rely on their existing upbringing experience. However, they can also be unpleasantly surprised and disoriented by such, for example, the fact that the child does not have hygiene skills or he falls asleep badly, wakes up the whole family at night, that is, requires great patience, attention and care from parents. At this first critical moment, some parents, unfortunately, react inadequately, comparing adopted children with relatives not in favor of the adopted ones. To sigh and say such things in front of children is very dangerous for all future life together.
If the parents do not have children, then the situation is somewhat different. Usually, foster parents who have never had their own children, before taking on a foster child, study many articles, brochures, but they look at everything only “theoretically”, with a certain concern for practice. The first adopted child poses much more tasks for parents than the first natural child, since the adopted child surprises with its habits, requirements, because it has not lived in this family since the day of its birth. Foster parents face a difficult task: to comprehend the individuality of the child. The smaller the child, the sooner he gets used to a new family. However, the attitude towards the family of the adopted child is initially wary, primarily because of his anxiety to lose the family. Such a feeling arises even in children of that age at which they cannot yet fully realize this sensation and speak about it in words.
The process of getting the adopted child into the family depends on the personality of the adopting parents, on the general family atmosphere, as well as on the child himself, primarily on his age, character and previous experience. Young children, up to about two years of age, quickly forget their former surroundings. To a small child, adults quickly develop a warm attitude.
Children from two to five years old remember more, something remains in their memory for life. The child relatively quickly forgets the environment of the orphanage, social rehabilitation center (orphanage). If he became attached to some teacher there, then he can remember her for a long time. Gradually, the new teacher, that is, his mother, in her daily contact with the child becomes the closest person for him. A child's memories of his family depend on the age when he was taken from that family.
In most cases, children retain bad memories of their parents who left them, so at first in the family that accepted them, they are distrustful of adults. Some children take a defensive position, some show a tendency to deception, to a rude form of behavior, that is, to what they saw around them in their own family. However, there are children who, with sadness and tears, remember their parents, even those who abandoned them, most often their mother. For adoptive parents, this condition causes anxiety: will this child get used to them?
Such fears are unfounded. If a child in his memoirs shows a positive attitude towards his own mother, then it will be absolutely wrong to correct his views or statements in connection with this displeasure. On the contrary, one should be glad that the child's feelings have not become dull, because his mother at least partially satisfied his basic physical and psychological needs.
You can ignore the child's memories of his family. To his possible questions, it is better, without remembering his own mother, to say that he now has a new mother who will always take care of him. This explanation, and most importantly a friendly, affectionate approach, can calm the child. After a while, his memories will fade, and he will become warmly attached to his new family.
Children over the age of five remember a lot from their past. Schoolchildren have a particularly rich social experience, as they had their own teachers and classmates. If from the day of his birth the child was under the care of certain children's institutions, then the foster family for him is at least the fifth life situation. This, of course, disrupted the formation of his personality. If a child lived in his family until the age of five, then the situations he experienced left a certain mark, which must be taken into account when eliminating various unwanted habits and skills from him. From the very beginning, it is necessary to approach the upbringing of such children with great tolerance, consistency, constancy in relationships, and understanding. In no case should you resort to cruelty. It is impossible to squeeze such a child into the framework of his ideas, to insist on demands that exceed his capabilities.
School performance usually improves after moving into a family, as children want to please their parents. One can observe in adopted children who like to live in a new family the ability to suppress their memories of their own family, of the orphanage. They don't like to talk about the past.
Foster parents usually face the question: to tell or not to tell the child about his origin. This does not apply to those children who came to the family at an age when they remember all the people who surrounded them in early childhood. With respect to completely small child foster parents are often tempted to keep quiet about his past. The views of specialists and the experience of adoptive parents clearly show that it is not necessary to conceal from the child.
Awareness and understanding of an informed child can subsequently protect him from any tactless remark or hint from others, save his confidence in his family.
It is also necessary to answer openly and truthfully to children who want to know about the place of their birth. A child may not return to this topic for a long time, and then suddenly he has a desire to find out details about his past. This is not a symptom of a weakening relationship with foster parents. Still less does such curiosity act as a desire to return to one's original family. This is nothing but the child's natural desire to link together all the facts known to him, to realize the continuity of his formation as a person.
